A post about me

I love to talk. I get in trouble for it at work all the time and in school my report cards always said "Good student, but talks too much." I can talk your ear off about Aidan and trust me I plan to. :-) So why is it when people ask how I'm doing I clam up and just say fine? It's kind of like pregnancy, people know that that it's rough and they don't really want to hear all the horror stories so we give the response fine. Granted I had a wonderful pregnancy and didn't have any horror stories I still usually responded with fine.

I decided to be honest on here. If you don't want to know then don't read on. I'm not going to know. When I'm sad, I'm really really sad. Like almost to the point of depression. I get sad when I think about the things we won't have with Aidan. I got sad yesterday seeing a picture of a friend who gave birth yesterday. Seeing her baby made me so happy, but she gave birth at the same hospital that I did and seeing the maternity room made me so sad. Again I'm super excited and happy for my friend! Thankfully I don't have those moments very often and when I do they only last for at most 10-20 minutes. I'd say 80% of the time I'm in a normal mood. Not happy, but not sad. When I'm happy, I'm usually talking about Aidan, and I'm really happy. I could sit and stare at his pictures all the time. I love that handsome little boy so much. So when you ask how I am, I will probably answer with fine or okay because it changes all the time. If I'm bad I probably won't talk or let you know that I'm not doing so well and it's not a good time for me.

When we found out about the bleed I shut down. I wanted to stop pumping because I didn't want my milk to come in. Then we got 5 more days and I pumped every day and became the "wet nurse" of the floor. No I didn't nurse any other babies, but I had plenty of milk to go around. When we found out that Aidan wasn't going to make it the lactation consultant told me about a milk bank where I could donate all the bottles I had already made as well as the milk from me weaning my supply down. I wanted to wean right away, like that night and be totally finished with pumping. I'm still pumping so I can donate and because stopping right away could have caused me to get sick. I'm a freak, but I love pumping. I love knowing that because of Aidan I can help other babies. At first I would cry every time because I was supposed to be doing it for Aidan. Very bittersweet.

My incision is healing nicely, but my stomach is still so sore. It's not painful, but sore. I'm going to the dr on Monday afternoon to make sure everything is healing correctly. Hopefully we'll get an answer as to why my cord failed. We'll also discuss when we can start trying again and what my next pregnancy will be like appointment wise. I'm going to answer the question that everyone has been asking or afraid to ask. The dr is going to tell us when we can medically start trying again and then we're going to decide when we are both emotionally ready to try again. My mother instinct is 80 bazillion times worse than baby fever so if it was up to me we'd start right away, but it's not about me. We have to do what's right for us.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs