Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Dear milk supply,
Please come back! You're doing a great job of feeding Lucas when he's breastfeeding, but now that I'm back at work, I need you to do well with the pumping. I'm drinking the tea, eating oatmeal, downing water like it's going out of style and I'm just barely making enough for the babe to eat. I took you for granted during maternity leave and should have built up my stash, but instead I decided to sleep and let daddy feed him. Now I must feed him at night and then pump just to make sure Lucas doesn't starve while I'm working. (I would never let him starve, I'd either take him some or he'd get formula) So let's work together and start making more!

The lady who loves giving her son mommy milk

I know I'm lucky that I'm able to pump enough each day for him to eat at Gma's. I know some ladies that only pump half and they have to give formula for the rest of the day. One of my problems is that my Medela Pump in Style isn't working as well as it should be. I've changed all the parts, made sure everything is plugged in very tightly and yet it still decreases it's sucking power halfway through the session. I have e-mailed the company and will rent the hospital grade pump again if my supply decreases too much. We have boob group tonight so I'll be talking to the LC to get more suggestions.

I have lots more to blog about and now that I'm back at work I'll have time. Bossman, I'll be writing it at lunch, don't worry. :-)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter

Today is not about the Easter Bunny, candy or egg hunts. Today is about Jesus going to Heaven. For me, it gives me peace knowing that Aidan has risen as well and is in Heaven with Jesus to celebrate. We plan on doing the Easter bunny thing with Lucas, but will tell him every year the real meaning of Easter.
 Ohhhh I'm pretty
 Okay mom, enough with the ears

Happy Easter Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander. I love you both very much!


Monday, April 18, 2011

March for Babies

The Indianapolis March for Babies is coming up in 12 days (4/30) and there is plenty of time to either donate or sign up to walk with us. Hopefully the weather will be nicer this year. Last year it was so bad they shortened the walk to get us out of the rain. This year I'm not only walking for my Aidster, I'm walking for all  of his friends: Caleb, Jillian, Katie, Matthew, Oliver, Everett, Colby, Aniah, Ethan, Emma, Nolan and so so so many more babies who are gone too soon.

Here is the link to my March for Babies team If you can't donate or not in the Indianapolis area to join the team, that's fine. Just leave a comment for who YOU are walking for. (Even if you aren't walking, I know you know someone that has lost a baby too soon and I would like to acknowledge those babies too.)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander


Friday, April 15, 2011

Thank you Aidan

I went to a garage sale for a friend of mine this morning. We became friends after she was Aidan's NICU nurse and she was in the OR when Lucas was born. Ah-mazing to have that support and someone who knew our story closely. The NICU had donated a lot of preemie clothes to the sale (which is being held to raise money so my friend can adopt two children) and I was looking through the boy clothes trying to find the bigger sizes. Tucked in the middle of the pile was something that made my heart jump and sink all at the same time. I found the outfit that we put Aidan in after he passed. We were able to bathe him and then we put the outfit on. I have thought about this outfit ever since. Sadly when I see the outfit I see how Aidan looked when he was in it, but I have another piece of him. Another thing that touched my baby is now in my hands. I didn't cry while I was there, but I sure did let loose when I got home this afternoon.
Thank you Aidan for having this outfit be brought back into my life. I miss you baby boy and I love you so much. I wish you were here with us helping to take care of Lucas, but I know you are watching over us every day.

I love you Aidan Christopher


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

just some pictures

I have lots that I want to write, but with only 2 weeks left before I go back to work, I'd rather spend this time snuggling Lucas. Just a quick update. Breastfeeding is a bazillion times better and we're getting pretty good at nursing in public. My anxiety level is still up there, but it's getting better. Lucas is sleeping about 4 hours waking up to eat then going back down for another 2 or 3 hours. That really helps my anxiety to be able to sleep. Okay, here are the pictures...
Abbey holding Lucas with Snoopy keeping a close eye out

 Happy St Patty's day

 Getting ready for a day at the office
 Watching the Butler game very intently
 sooo sleepy
 deep conversation with daddy

We finally took him to the cemetery to visit Aidan, but those pictures are on Chris' camera.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander


Friday, April 1, 2011


I just read this on another blog that I follow and I really like it.

A Different Child

A different child, people notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow surrounded by love
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day you'll understand.
You'll understand there was once another child.
A different child.
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all...
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever:
How infinitely precious,
How infinitely fragile is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost
you will tell them with great compassion:
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here because my parents tried again."

Author Unknown

Feeling better

After posting here and talking to my grief counselor I'm feeling a lot better, anxiety wise. It doesn't help that Chris went out of town and I was "alone" with Lucas. My mom came to stay with me and I went to their house. I still took care of him myself, but it was nice to have my arms free for awhile. I talked to my grief counselor and she reaffirmed that we're doing everything right. She still wants me to talk to Dr. B on Monday about my feelings and a friend of mine has given me a number to a therapist that deals with pregnancy/infant loss and most of my anxiety stems from losing Aidan. Many people suggested that we get the Angel Care monitor. We thought about it while I was pregnant, but decided against getting it. We still have decided that we don't want that monitor. I think the reason my anxiety got so bad was that Chris was going out of town and what if something happened while he was gone. Then it would be my fault and I couldn't handle that fear. Amazingly this week went very smooth and I'm feeling a lot more confident in this whole mom thing.

I'm really looking forward to the weather getting warmer and staying warm! We still haven't taken Lucas out to visit Aidan and that makes me sad but with the weather so unpredictable I don't want Lucas to catch a cold. We talk to Aidan every night, but I still want a picture of my babies "together." I go back to work in 2 weeks :-( so I'm trying to enjoy these last 16 or 18 days (depending on what day I start) snuggling with Lucas all day. My mother in law will be watching him and only lives about 10 minutes from my work so if I need to stop by and see him during lunch I can.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!