Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

Picture is from here

We have so much to be thankful for. We have our health, jobs, families and friends. We also have the two most amazing little boys. This year is a lot different for me than last year. Last year was okay at best. My mom did her best to spoil me and take care of me. I was pregnant with Lucas and still grieving Aidan. This year we have Lucas and I'm still grieving Aidan. Just the level of grieving has gone down. There is not a day that Aidan's name does not come out of my mouth. My co-workers are amazing and will just let me say his name and understand that I need to say it. Then of course they see new pictures of Lucas almost daily. :-)
In 2 hours Lucas and I will be sitting on the couch watching the Macy's day parade.
Last year I sat at my parent's house and watched it fighting back tears.
Today we won't be with our families on Thanksgiving, which makes me very sad, but Chris has to work
Last year we ate with my parents and they let me cry. They understood...
Today we will be taking Lucas to visit his big brother and put out his Christmas tree. We will let Lucas touch the grass that covers his brother. We will give thanks right there that we were chosen to be the parents to both of these little boys.
Last year we went to visit Aidan and I held up pretty well until I got to the car. That's where I do most of my crying after the cemetery.

I know I've said it twice already, but I'm so thankful to be Aidan and Lucas' mommy. I've held and hold both of my boys. I've loved on both boys. My heart is double it's size for the amount of love I have for both of them. Aidan will never, not be a part of my family. He will ALWAYS be my child and he will always be included in the number of children I have and on cards. This little boy is with me and even though it's just his spirit, he is still with me. Then of course there is Lucas. He continues to amaze me every day with the new things he learns. He still looks a little like Aidan, but nearly as much as he did when he was a newborn. He's getting his own personality now and is an absolute joy. Lucas is honestly my rainbow after the awful storm of losing Aidan.

I love you so incredibly much Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander


Thursday, November 10, 2011

Weight loss update

I posted back in May that I was doing a weight loss challenge with some friends. 
Starting picture (yay for the tampon machine again)

We finished on 10/5, but I forgot to take a picture. However I ended up losing 13 pounds and hit my pre pregnancy weight!

We have started the challenge again to help us lose or maintain during the holidays. This time we're adding in a work out check in to help motivate working out. I don't like to work out. I don't like to sweat, but I need to work out to help tighten things up.

So here's my before for this current challenge. I lost an additional 3 lbs in 3 weeks. I'm now at a weight I haven't been in a long time! Woot

Screw it, I'll put my weight. That might keep me accountable...
Starting weight was 224 ( I was 3 months postpartum)
Ending weight was 211 ( same as what I started my pregnancy with Lucas at)
Starting weight for the current challenge is 209
My goal for this challenge is to be at 195 and the challenge is ending in the middle of January.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander


Tuesday, November 8, 2011


I miss my Aidan. I miss him a lot. I haven't posted much about him recently because I've been trying to hide my feelings. IRL people have been listening to me talk about him every day, but I was hiding it from my blog. Then I realized that my blog is the last place I have to hide my grief. For over the past year and a half you have all been there supporting me during my grief. So why would I think that would stop now. Well I know why, I've had some people (not close people) say well since you have Lucas you should be over it by now. Aidan is not an "it", he is my son and I will never be over losing him.

I don't have the mindset that if Aidan didn't die, I wouldn't have Lucas. I'm greedy and I want both my boys. When I was younger I used to say that if my brothers didn't die I wouldn't be here and now I feel extremely guilty for saying that. I don't want Lucas or any other children to think that or feel like that.
I spent a lot of Sunday looking for Christmas presents for Lucas which turned into a day of being in a funk. I miss him. I want to be shopping for toys for an almost two year old and an almost 1 year old (holy shit, almost 1?). It's not fair. I want my Aidan back.

I love Lucas more than I could possibly imagine and I'm so thankful and grateful that he's my son. He is the bright spot in my day, but sometimes it hurts so much to see him without his big brother. He hasn't filled the hole in my heart that is Aidan shaped (never was supposed to), but he has created his own space in there.

Long story short. I miss my baby and the upcoming holidays suck because I want him back.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Thursday, November 3, 2011

He's starting to crawl!

Lucas is a champion roller and now he's starting to push off to crawl. I'm so excited

This was taken with my phone so it's not the best quality.

Here's Lucas on Halloween in his actual costume. My inlaws didn't know that he would be dressing up so we surprised them in his duck costume.
I love this picture. He looks like he's saying what the %$#@ are you putting in my hands. :-) I'm so glad my inlaws take pictures of him during the day so I can see his cuteness.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!