Wednesday, December 26, 2012

3rd Christmas

Yesterday was our 3rd Christmas without Aidan. It still isn't any easier. We got up late, 9:30 when we had to be at the inlaws at 10. I'm so glad I slept in. I hate being alone Christmas morning while I wait on Chris and Lucas to wake up. I got a little teary eyed while we were there. When we were done there, we went to visit Aidan. It was really cold and I was not dressed properly for standing outside for as long as I did. I just stood there sobbing. I just miss him so much. Scratch that, we all miss him so much. Lucas was worn out from playing with his toys, but we woke him up to go with us. As we were leaving his sleepily said "bye bye Aidan". Cue more sobs. I love that Lucas can say Aidan's name.

When we got home, Lucas and Chris took a nap while I went to the NICU to pass out books for Aidan's Book Corner. It was very bittersweet. I'm so thankful that Ingrid and Amber were working. I needed them, a lot. All the nurses are so wonderful and really appreciate what I created for them. It makes my heart happy to give the books out and to see the appreciation on the faces of parents and staff.

I left the hospital and went home to snuggle Lucas. He, however, wanted nothing to do with me because there were more gifts to open. With us sleeping in, we did Christmas before we went to my parents house. Speaking of my parents. My mom has been sick for a couple of weeks and this past Friday she ended up getting admitted to the hospital. She was diagnosed with pneumonia, critically low sodium and potassium. She also had a staph infection. She was release on Monday so we were able to spend Christmas Eve with my entire family. Christmas afternoon/evening we hung out with my parents. I can't be alone for too long on Christmas. I know that it's okay to cry and I do that often, but the deep feelings of sadness I don't like. Of course no one likes that, but my way to avoid it is to stay busy.

I asked Chris, while standing in the cemetery, "When will the pain stop?" Of course we don't know the answer. Every day is easier, but there are and will always be triggers. I know the pain won't stop on certain days like Christmas, his birthday and his death day. I love him so incredibly much that the pain is from my desire to love him the way a mother is supposed to love her son. So I know every Christmas will have a moment or moments of hurt. It will also be filled with The Christmas Spirit, love and the sound of laughter coming from my families.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander


Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from my family to yours.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

*This was scheduled to post last night, but clearly it didn't.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Fort Lauderdale

Over Thanksgiving we flew down to Fort Lauderdale for Chris' work. He had to be in the area for Black Friday so we went a few days early and stayed a few days longer. It was a nice workcation. Lucas went on an airplane for the first time and did an amazing job! He slept for most of the flight and when he wasn't asleep he was quietly playing with some toys and the tray in front of us.


 While Chris was working, Lucas and I spent some time with Chris' Aunt and Uncle. We went to a ginormous mall and walked around. We also spent Thanksgiving with them and it was wonderful! We didn't participate in Black Friday this year (would have added more luggage to bring on the plane) so instead we went to the beach.
 Of course Aidan went with us. :-) We only planned on putting our feet in, but the ocean had other plans.

 On Saturday we spent time with my Aunt and Uncle. Those pictures are on my phone and currently nugget has my phone. We drove down to Miami on Sunday and decided to drive towards Key West.

 We made it halfway to Key West and then it started getting dark so we turned around. We stopped in Key Largo and ate at Hobos Cafe and it was amazing!
 On our last night, we walked around Ft. Lauderdale. It was incredibly beautiful.

The flight home was just as easy. Lucas slept and played. We got a lot of comments on how wonderful he was.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander.


Monday, December 10, 2012

Shocking, I didn't follow through

I didn't get around to posting pictures of our trip to Florida this weekend. We went to visit Santa and then put up our tree on Saturday. Yesterday, Lucas wasn't feeling well so we snuggled all day. I also didn't post because I have the holiday blues. I keep thinking I should be "better" by now since this is our 3rd Christmas without Aidan, but I'm not. Yes things are going great with our family and Aidan's Book Corner and I try to focus on that, but it doesn't make the hurt go away in the mornings before anyone gets up. I'm trying to make Christmas magical for Lucas and I'm doing a good job at it, but I don't feel like I am. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I talked to my mom last night and she told me to just get it out there and write on my blog. :-) I think that's more because she wants me writing on here more often. I just miss my baby. I miss the what could/should have been. I hate that Lucas doesn't know his brother. I know for the next couple of months it will be rough. I'm just ready for it to be mid February. 

Yes mom, I do feel a little better after writing this out. 

I love you and miss you so much Aidan Christopher. I wish you were here. I love you Lucas Alexander. I'm so glad you're my baby and you always make my days brighter.


Saturday, December 8, 2012


I'm running in a 5k this morning. I won't be running the whole thing, but my goal is to run as close to 2 miles of it as I can. I haven't done a 5k since spring and that was just walking. I just want to see what my body can do. I have motivation by doing it with my friend Nicki. I haven't been running with any type of consistency like I was back in April/May. It's noticeable in my lack of weight loss the past few months. I'm not gaining anything back, but I'm certainly stuck at a plateau. I'm hoping that the 5k today will help motivate me to keep running. I do enjoy running when it's cold outside and it's a nice break for me. It's the time where I can just focus on me.

Sometime this weekend I plan on posting pictures from our recent trip to Ft. Lauderdale...hopefully. :-)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander.


Monday, November 19, 2012

To make my mom happy

Every time I see my mom she tells me to either post more or to post that I'm done blogging. I'm kind of over blogging. Let's be honest, I don't really have that much time to sit at the computer and write. Yes I know there are plenty of moms that do and that's great! As soon as Lucas sees my computer he runs over and starts pressing buttons or trying to close it. I could stay up after he goes to bed, but he goes to bed around 8:45 and darn I want to go to bed too. I'm going to give this blogging thing another try and reevaluate at the beginning of the year. If I'm not posting more by then, I will write my farewell blog.

So lets see, what has happened since my last post? Well we had Halloween. Lucas was a monkey and a very cute one at that. We only took him to 4 houses, but he doesn't eat candy and we didn't need the candy in our house. I'm still doing Weight Watchers, albeit not as well as I was. I'm currently losing very slowly/maintaining. I'm not a weight were I just want to maintain so I'm trying to find the motivation again. Lucas is talking more. Still not a lot of understandable words, but he's working on it. He has an odd way of saying thank you, BUT he's saying it. We just make sure that he hears us using please and thank you often. Snoopy is doing great. He's finally accepted that Lucas is sticking around and is more playful with him. Lucas absolutely adores Snoop. He runs to him in the morning to give him hugs. Okay, every time Lucas sees him he runs to give him hugs. They often both stare out the front door when we have it open and it's so incredibly sweet.

Aidan's Book Corner is doing amazingly well. We've stopped receiving donations sent directly to us, but Barnes and Nobles of Carmel and Noblesville both picked up the program as their charity this holiday season. When a customer buys a book, the cashier asks if they want to donate. I think, combined, we have over 200 books so far! We're waiting to hear from a couple of companies as to whether they will donate money to help keep the program alive. I've taken the cart around the NICU several times and it's so rewarding every time I see a smile on the faces of the parents when they pick out a book.

Lets see, lets there anything else I'm forgetting? Probably, but that pretty much sums up what's been happening over here.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Almost a month

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. I have a bunch of updates, just not enough time. Let's see...Lucas is a crazy 19m old. I love watching him explore and learn new things. He's still a picky eater, but we're working on that. We went to St. Louis with my parents for Chris' work. My parents and I took Lucas to the zoo where he had a blast. He certainly loves animals! We also took him to Grant's Farm where I took him in the pin to pet baby goats. He did not want to leave. Ummm what else. Oh Aidan's Book Corner has been presented to the NICU and the cart is amazing. I will post more on that soon. ABC has been taking up a lot of my time, along with Lucas.

The 3 of us right before we got on the Riverboat

Gotta go back to work now.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I have a badge!

I'm now officially a volunteer with Open Arms! I'm overly excited about the fact that I have a badge now. :-) I'm so happy (odd word in this situation) that I'm more available to loss families now. If they want to talk to a mom that's been there, I'm able to go right to them. I'm also able to help out "behind the scenes" with my bereavement coordinator. 

It means a lot to me that I'm able to take our tragic loss and turn and help someone during their tragic loss. Aidan taught me a lot and he will continue to help me grow during my grief journey. There are times that it still shocks me that I'm a loss mom. Before it made me mad that I kept having those shocking moments, but now they are a reminder of my little boy and of where I'm at.

ABC is coming along nicely too. We've got about 85 books (which will go fast once the program starts) the library cart is being painted and word is getting out in the community. It's amazing that my little boy's name is being said by so many people. I'm truly so incredibly happy where my life is right now. I, of course, would rather have Aidan here with me, but I can't so I'm making the best of it. I finally have a passion, a drive for helping other loss families and getting Aidan's Book Corner going. It's a great feeling.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander.


Sunday, August 12, 2012

State Fair

Picture is from here

We took Lucas to the state fair yesterday. 

I think his favorite part was the train ride down there.
 Once we were on the train he was a happy camper, but when the whistle was blowing he was terrified. He practically jumped out of Chris' arms to get to mine.
He stood, waved and said bye bye to every tree branch that we passed.

The lady sitting across from us kept commenting on how tired he would be. That he was. He slept through a lot of the fair.

We had awesome weather for our trip. It was in the upper 70's and the sun was shining. I didn't take any other pictures while we were there because it would have just been a lot of the same picture up there. We did see the world's largest boar and a couple of pigs with their piglets. We also saw a lot of cows. Lucas had some of our old fashion root beer float. It was his first taste of soda. We don't plan on letting him have soda until he's much older so this was a special treat for him.
Snack time
What I love about the fair is that we were able to bring in our own food and drinks. Lucas is very picky on what he'll eat so I was nervous he wouldn't eat. Well he did snack on his "swim swims" (that's what momo calls goldfish) a Gerber pouch of veggies and some applesauce. It was nice to not spend money on food that we'd just throw out due to desperation to get him to eat.
Lucas was a little less excited for the train ride home. He was very very sleepy.

As soon as we walked in the door, we went right upstairs to take a family nap before going out to dinner with friends. I'm so glad we went to the fair. It was awesome spending time together with no tv and essentially no phones, except to take pictures. Looking forward to next years fair.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

More on ABC

It's official! Here's our logo! I love it! I'm so thankful that my friend and fellow BLM was able to help design this with me. Things are really taking off with ABC and it's overwhelming. The support that I'm receiving all over the country is amazing! There are other times that it's overwhelming because I think wow, all of this is because of my baby. It's like I get hit over again that we lost a baby. It's an odd feeling. I'm also making sure that setting this up and running it doesn't take away my time with Lucas. I want him to grow up with the desire to help others and to volunteer so I hope this helps him. I just have to make sure that he doesn't feel like 2nd best or trying to compete with Aidan for my attention. I know that whenever we have another kid there will be competition.

I'm looking forward to going back to the NICU again with Susan before I start volunteering up there. If it's possible, I would like to go into Aidan's room as long as there isn't another baby in there. That way if I have a family in *his* room, I won't associate it with that being his room. 

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!


Saturday, July 14, 2012

Aidan's Book Corner

I'm so excited for this. Aidan's home, Community North hospital is going to be the new home for Aidan's Book Corner (ABC program). We read to Aidan every time we went to visit him and thankfully my mother in law had a bunch of books, but not everyone has family close by. With the stress of recovery from childbirth and the stress of having a NICU baby, books aren't usually at the top of the list to have. Well this is where ABC comes in. I'm collecting donations of NEW children's books, such as board books or the Little Golden Books, to give to parents in the NICU. For those babies that don't survive, the book will be something else tangible that was for their baby. I know for me, my copy of Goodnight Moon is very important to me.

We passed a couple of GIANT hurdles, but still have a long way to go. I wouldn't be this far if it wasn't for my friend Susan (Bereavement coordinator/L&D nurse/superwoman) and I give her a lot of credit for this getting off the ground.

If you would like to donate and are local, you can e-mail me for more information: or if you would like to mail them, the address is:

Community Hospital North
Maternity Services
Open Arms
7150 Clearvista Dr
Indianapolis, IN  46256

I also have a facebook page  and I'll be posting updates on here too.

*Please remember that the books have to be new due to the nature of the NICU. Also parents will keep these books long after their baby's time in the NICU and we want them to have a nice book.*

Aidan Christopher, I hope you are proud of your momma. I'm doing this for you sweetheart because I never want anyone to forget you. I love you so incredibly much. 

Lucas Alexander, I hope you are proud of your momma too. I hope this will teach you to give back, to love someone you've never met and to never give up when faced with something highly tragic.


Sunday, July 8, 2012

More Myrtle Beach

Lots and lots of pictures

We had such an amazing time!