3rd Christmas

Yesterday was our 3rd Christmas without Aidan. It still isn't any easier. We got up late, 9:30 when we had to be at the inlaws at 10. I'm so glad I slept in. I hate being alone Christmas morning while I wait on Chris and Lucas to wake up. I got a little teary eyed while we were there. When we were done there, we went to visit Aidan. It was really cold and I was not dressed properly for standing outside for as long as I did. I just stood there sobbing. I just miss him so much. Scratch that, we all miss him so much. Lucas was worn out from playing with his toys, but we woke him up to go with us. As we were leaving his sleepily said "bye bye Aidan". Cue more sobs. I love that Lucas can say Aidan's name.

When we got home, Lucas and Chris took a nap while I went to the NICU to pass out books for Aidan's Book Corner. It was very bittersweet. I'm so thankful that Ingrid and Amber were working. I needed them, a lot. All the nurses are so wonderful and really appreciate what I created for them. It makes my heart happy to give the books out and to see the appreciation on the faces of parents and staff.

I left the hospital and went home to snuggle Lucas. He, however, wanted nothing to do with me because there were more gifts to open. With us sleeping in, we did Christmas before we went to my parents house. Speaking of my parents. My mom has been sick for a couple of weeks and this past Friday she ended up getting admitted to the hospital. She was diagnosed with pneumonia, critically low sodium and potassium. She also had a staph infection. She was release on Monday so we were able to spend Christmas Eve with my entire family. Christmas afternoon/evening we hung out with my parents. I can't be alone for too long on Christmas. I know that it's okay to cry and I do that often, but the deep feelings of sadness I don't like. Of course no one likes that, but my way to avoid it is to stay busy.

I asked Chris, while standing in the cemetery, "When will the pain stop?" Of course we don't know the answer. Every day is easier, but there are and will always be triggers. I know the pain won't stop on certain days like Christmas, his birthday and his death day. I love him so incredibly much that the pain is from my desire to love him the way a mother is supposed to love her son. So I know every Christmas will have a moment or moments of hurt. It will also be filled with The Christmas Spirit, love and the sound of laughter coming from my families.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs