Thursday, July 29, 2010

Taking a break

So I normally post on a few message boards. I've been there since planning my wedding. I've made some amazing friends that have been a huge support for me. While there are losses every day, there have been a few that have really affected (effected?) me. My heart breaks when I read of a new member of this horrible club. I've been feeling down lately so I've decided to step back from the boards and work on my feelings.  It's going to be hard because I've been there so long, but it's something I need to do.

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Monday, July 26, 2010

I started a new job

I'm still with the same company in the same department, but I switched positions. Instead of working 10-7 and making customer service calls, I'm working 8-5 working directly with a military program for moving shipments.  I'm excited for this change! It was getting really hard to not tell people how I really felt when they complained about how their world is coming to an end because their bed was scratched.  No, seriously people have said that to me.  I also had someone tell me that she is more upset about a piece of furniture being damaged then she was when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Normally I say that we all have a different definition of disappointment because of life experiences.  It has helped keep my bitterness away when someone is so disappointed because they are having 2 of the same sex instead of 1 of each. I'm glad they haven't had the same life experience as me, but it makes me side eye them a lot.

ANYWAY, about my new job, I started it today.  It's a lot of busy work and I love it! I've wanted this position for almost a year now, but they just opened up a 2nd position. I know it's only a day, but I'm not nearly as bitter now and I look forward to going to work.  When I first started at this company over 3 years ago I really really looked forward to going to work. I love having that drive back. It will also give me the opportunity to start cooking dinner and improve my skills. I mean, that's the whole reason why my momma came up a couple of weeks ago. So I'm really excited for this!

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

APGAR scores

No one told me Aidan's APGAR scores when he was born. I've often thought about it, but didn't want to call Dr. B to find out.  I finally asked someone what they were.  1 minute after he was born, Aidan scored 0. Not surprising because they had to perform CPR on him.  At the 5 minute test he scored a 6. So what did I do with this information? I ran to the internet. This is what I found

"A baby who scores a 7 or above on the test at 1 minute after birth is generally considered in good health. However, a lower score doesn't necessarily mean that your baby is unhealthy or abnormal. But it may mean that your baby simply needs some special immediate care, such as suctioning of the airways or oxygen to help him or her breathe, after which your baby may improve.
At 5 minutes after birth, the Apgar score is recalculated, and if your baby's score hasn't improved to 7 or greater, or there are other concerns, the doctors and nurses may continue any necessary medical care and will closely monitor your baby. Some babies are born with heart or lung conditions or other problems that require extra medical care; others just take a little longer than usual to adjust to life outside the womb. Most newborns with initial Apgar scores of less than 7 will eventually do just fine.

Soooo since he scored a 6 then that means besides needing something help he was fine. This really upset me until I remembered something. We KNEW he was healthy until the $#@%$ bleed. We know that had he not had the bleed that he would probably still be here. (Of course other things could have happened, but I don't focus on that.) I'm much better now and am so thankful that I have those results. Every little piece of information helps glue the puzzle pieces that we already have. 

*Lori, Are you happy that I'm updating the blog? :-)*

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

My heart is breaking

My friend Ashley, lost her 22 yr old brother yesterday. He was in a horrible car accident.  Ashley's family knows way too much about loss and grief. Last June, Ashely gave birth to her sweet sweet Nolan too early because of pre-e and HELLP. He passed away a few days later in the NICU.  This year, her cousin was on bedrest for pre-e and HELLP. They had to save her and delivered her baby girl, Josie who was born sleeping.

Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Ashley was the first person to reach out to me. I still don't know how she got my e-mail, but I'm so happy that she wrote to me.  That one single e-mail helped me more then I can express. Ashley is such a great friend and my heart is breaking for her.

I love you Ashley

Aidan please take good care of Charlie and make sure to share your toys, baby boy. I love you sweetie


Sunday, July 11, 2010

Is this healing?

2 days ago it was 5 months from when we lost Aidan.  I didn’t think about it until this morning.   When I realized that I “forgot” I freaked out. How could I forget the 9th? Then I thought well, maybe this is healing. I guess it’s better that I’m thinking more about his life then his death. I don’t have this sinking feeling that I’m a bad mom because I didn’t pay attention on the 9th. I never stop thinking about Aidan. Not a day has passed where I don’t beg and plead for him to back safe in my arms. 

My mom and I went to visit Aidster yesterday.  His big boy grass isn’t doing so well.  The entire month of June was big waterfall from the sky and July has been ridiculously hot so his grass has died. Can I be honest and tell you how morbid that is in a cemetery? It really is! I didn’t realize that I need to bring water with me to keep his grass alive. Anyway, his grave is very colorful right now. We put out flowers and a patriotic balloon last week. I kept saying over and over how pretty he looked. My mom reminded me that Aidan is a very handsome boy so of course his grave would be pretty.  God, I wish I was telling him that he’s so pretty and not his grave. Since that’s not the reality, I will continue to make sure that his grave his pretty and to tell him that every time I visit.

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Thursday, July 8, 2010


2010-07-08 20.18.46

(2010 Indianapolis March for Babies Team Aidan Christopher $3,000 + Family Team)

I got this plaque in the mail today from the March of Dimes for raising over $3,000. We actually raised over $4,000.  I have to thank everyone again for your donation.  It humbles me that my little boy has touched so many people to be able to raise this kind of money. Hopefully we’ll continue to get a plaques every year.

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Wordless Wednesday



I love you Aidan Christopher!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Happy 4th of July

Does anyone else notice a trend that I never write on the actual day of a holiday?

My mom and I went to visit Aidan yesterday. We bought him a big beautiful bouquet of Gerber daises. They are very bright and cheery.  We also bought him a patriotic balloon to put around his vase (take that cemetery people who take things off of his marker. It's part of the vase now) When we got there we saw that Grandma Nancy and Grandpa Larry had been there. There were some very pretty flowers in his vase already. I'm assuming they came from her garden. Nancy always has beautiful flowers. So we mixed the two sets of flowers together and it looked really nice.  Chris has my little camera so I didn't get any pictures.

Later my mom and I were watching the Macy's fireworks display and I thought "I hope Aidan isn't afraid of the fireworks." I'm not sure if I'll ever stop wondering such silly things, but I like that I do. I like that I'm still trying to protect him even though he's no longer here.  So of course I was explaining to him what the fireworks are and to just sit back with my grandma and watch the show.

I had visions the past year of our little boy being dressed up in his Old Navy flag tee and taking lots of pictures. I've noticed that I haven't been taking as many pictures of things like I used to.I mean I took probably 20 pictures of Aidan in a 2 minute span. lol I don't know if I did that on purpose, but it's something that I was randomly thinking about.  I know that with future family pictures I'll include a froggie so that Aidan will be in it, but of course it's not the same.

Well I hope everyone enjoyed their 4th of July! Happy Birthday America!

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Saturday, July 3, 2010

5 months

Dear Aidan,

Hi sweetheart. I know that I'm a couple of days late with this post, but let's blame it on daddy.  He's been riding his motorcycle a lot to work and keeps leaving his laptop at work. So he's on mommy's computer at night.  We miss you so much. I sat on daddy's lap last night just rocking while bawling.  I was looking at this picture DSC00304 that nurse Natalie took and it just made me miss you so much. I miss putting lotion on your legs. I miss holding your legs up while daddy changed your diapers.  I miss your gigantic feet that you loved to kick around. IMG_2068 Daddy misses you a lot too.  Daddy’s about to go on a week long motorcycle trip with Uncle Scott. They were planning this trip while you were still in my tummy. Instead of bringing a picture of you, daddy will be taking your hat. Mostly because mommy still has fears of her pictures getting damaged. You and I were supposed to stay with Aunt Erin this week, but instead momo will be staying with me.  We’re going to talk lots about you while mommy learns how to cook. 

Grandpa is getting ready to go back to work again after his surgeries.  Make sure to stay with him because he’s going to need some extra help buddy. 

I love you so much Aidan Christopher and I wish you were here. I would give anything to have you back healthy and in my arms.  You are the light of my life and even though our time was short you are the best thing that has happened to me.

I love you, my little baby boy