Friday, December 31, 2010

Follow up to last week's trip to L&D

I had my normal NST on Monday and I asked to speak with a dr that I have seen and knows my history.  Dr B was scheduled to be in surgery so she wasn't available. Nuggy passed the test with flying colors and I had no contractions. The tech (that I really like) went to show my results to the dr I requested and I could hear Dr. B talking. Imagine my delight and relief when she walked in the room. She told me she was shown my chart and that I went to L&D and then asked why. I was honest with her and told her how upset I was with the way that we were "cared" for by the other dr in the practice. While we were talking she could hear Nuggy moving around and watched his hr and was very pleased.  She told me what happened last week is their normal procedure, but I'm not a normal patient and need extra "hand holding." That's exactly what I was thinking, but I don't want to ask too much.  She said that she'll note in my chart that I always have to see a dr to explain things to me. I only have 2 more appointments where I don't see her and I see the dr that knows my past, so I'm not too worried.

I left that appointment feeling much better and way less terrified. Dr. B called on Tuesday after she did a more in depth look at my results from Thursday. Come to find out, the machines they use are new and are known to pick up the mom's heart beat and so it looks like the baby's hr is going really low.  So their normal procedure is to send mom's to labor and delivery to a longer test with more sensitive monitors. That's fine, but FREAKING TELL ME THAT BEFORE SENDING ME TO L&D!!!! Then she told me that the test for the UTI was never ran. She said to make sure that I don't bill for it because there are no results. That really ticks me off. We waited close to an hour for the dr to call in that test and it was never ran. 

I had my second normal appointment yesterday and Nuggy looked great on the u/s. He was practice breathing the whole time. We just sat and watched his belly move up and down. Man I love that little boy! Then he passed the NST with flying colors. My dad came to this appointment and he loved it. When Nuggy finally woke up, my dad sat on the edge of his seat watching Nuggy's hr and listening to him kick the monitors. Dr. B again is very happy with the results and said everything is going perfectly. Yay!

Only 51 days until we get to meet our Nuggy, and not a day sooner cord or ute!

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget


Thursday, December 30, 2010

Nugget's adventure-trip to L&D

So I mentioned that last Thursday I was sent to L&D after the dr was concerned about Nugget from the NST.  Notice that I didn't say Dr. B was concerned... it was another dr.  Dr. B was out of the office and I was assigned to a different dr.  Nugget was super active that day and kept moving away from the monitors so I would lose his heart rate. After about 5 minutes of trying to find it, I gave up and waited for the tech to come in. I mean it is her job to check on me...about 10 minutes later she finally came back in. I had tried again to find it and I found a heartbeat, but I didn't know who's it was.  She took my chart to this dr that I was supposed to see and when she came back said well it looks like we're going to send you to L&D for monitoring........MY HEART FREAKING SANK! The tech saw that Nugget had stayed on the monitor while she was gone so she took that strip to see if that one passed. Once again the dr said I was being sent to L&D. Okay, minus never seeing the dr, this is exactly what happened with Aidan.  I wasn't told anything and just sent over there.

If you know my family's history, you won't be surprised at the fact that I just shut down. I was staring out the window and couldn't move. Once we walked over to the maternity floor, I had to go through the admissions crap again. The lady couldn't find my previous admittance, when Aidan was born, but then was able to find it right before having to go over everything. I was in the same room, just a floor below.  Not good for the paranoid/anxious/terrified pregnant lady! We kept getting told that the dr who sent us over would be in to see us in a few minutes.  I was put back on the monitors for a better NST and I was laying flat on my back. Nugget still was kicking up a storm and then got the hiccups. About 5 minutes into the nurse comes in and asks how long I've been feeling pressure. I had been feeling pressure, but I assumed it was Nugget balling up because it wasn't all over pressure.  Yeah......not so much, I was having contractions that were being picked up on the monitor.

The nurses rushed me out of my regular clothes so that they could do a test to see if I would go into labor in the next 2 weeks. Well I was rushed out of my clothes, but the test wasn't given for what seemed like 30 minutes later. At that point I was shaking like a leaf! I kept thinking I need the steroid shots in case I have to have my c/s sooner. I have to get that extra little bit to help strengthen his blood vessels in his brain. I know the steroids are to help with lung maturity, but another bleed was a bigger concern of mine.  Now, I was not prepared to be admitted to the hospital. Read, I was not prepared to be stripped down and put in a gown.  Still can't read between the lines? There was no shaveage and I was sooo embarrassed! The nurses said put your heels together and let your knees hang down. Chris and I obviously know how Aidan and Nugget were created, but we're still modest.  Let's just say, it's been awhile since I've seen that man run so fast to get around the corner. lol They did the test and after waiting an hour and a half that came back negative. I was also given a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions and that worked too. The nurse did an internal to see if the contractions were making me dilate, OMG WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD ME HOW PAINFUL THOSE ARE?

The nurse walked in with my discharge papers...notice how I never once mentioned a dr coming to see me? Yeah that's because it never happened, the dr went home and never followed up with me!!!!!!!!!! Pissed is only a small word to describe how we felt about that. We had to wait another 15-20 minutes because they were concerned I might have a UTI, but didn't get the test done. So we had to wait for the Dr to call back in and call for that test.  After I peed in the cup I got dressed and we headed home.  I was so incredibly sore from the contractions, shaking and Nugget kicking up a storm. I was told limited activity and have spent more time laying on the couch the past week than I would like. I'd much rather be laying on the couch instead of in the hospital though!

So that was our first trip to the hospital with Nugget and hopefully we won't go back until 10am on 2/21 for his birthday!


Monday, December 27, 2010

30 weeks!!!

He turned into a squash at 29w, but I didn't realize that until today. Here's what the bump says about this month.  
    Baby’s energy is surging, thanks to the formation of white fat deposits beneath the skin. (Have those kicks and jabs to the ribs tipped you off yet?) Baby is also settling into sleep and waking cycles, though -- as you’ve also probably noticed -- they don’t necessarily coincide with your own. Also this month, all five senses are finally functional, and the brain and nervous system are going through major developments. 

and for this week from baby center:
      Your baby's about 15.7 inches long now, and he weighs almost 3 pounds (like a head of cabbage). A pint and a half of amniotic fluid surrounds him, but that volume will decrease as he gets bigger and takes up more room in your uterus. His eyesight continues to develop, though it's not very keen; even after he's born, he'll keep her eyes closed for a good part of the day. When he does open them, he'll respond to changes in light but will have 20/400 vision – which means he can only make out objects a few inches from hir face. (Normal adult vision is 20/20.) 

I'm feeling pretty good. My ribs are sore and so is my back, but I love it! We had an interesting afternoon on Thursday and I'll blog about that later.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget


Saturday, December 25, 2010

It was hard

Today was much harder than I expected.  I had a really good Christmas, but we all knew something/someone was missing.  I got up kind of early to finish wrapping the Christmas presents. I had the yule log on tv that had some Christmas songs playing. Then I did a very stupid thing... I went to facebook.  There were all these posts from parents with little kids. Going into detail of the twinkle in their children's eyes as they came down stairs and saw that Santa had been there.  I wouldn't want anyone to not post about their Christmas, but I should have avoided facebook.  I just sat and started bawling. I miss my baby and I so badly wanted to pick Aidan up from his crib and see his face on his first Christmas.  Chris came down stairs and found me in a puddle of tears, snot and mascara from the night before. He just hugged me, teared up and wiped the snot/tear mixture.

We then went to his parent's house for breakfast. It was perfect! Chris and I were spoiled and so was Nuggy. Grandma and Grandpa hooked him up with a bunch of froggy stuff for bath time.  I loved that they included Aidan in the presents for Nugget.  I really needed that because it reminds me that he is not forgotten. Of course none of the grand parents could ever forget him, but I really need that reminder.

After breakfast we went home for a nice 2 hour nap. Once we woke up we headed to the cemetery. That's where breakdown # 2 happened.  Grandma Nancy had made an ornament that says Our little star with his name on it. Chris and I just started crying. We hugged while we told our sweet Aidan that we love him and miss him so incredibly much.  From there we went to my parent's house.  We were spoiled again, and so was Nuggy. My parents got us some awesome stuff, but I think my favorite things were the frog garden statue and a dragonfly to hang on our wall.  Nuggy got some blankets and a bottle with my dad's college on it.

Overall, it was a good Christmas, but a lot harder than I was expecting.  Snoopy is all snuggled on daddy's lap and Nuggy is kicking up a storm. Of course we're counting our blessings, but we are missing a huge chunk of us. So tonight, instead of kissing our sweet Aidan as we tuck him into bed, we'll lay in bed being thankful for our short time with him, his little brother who already keeps us on our toes and pray that next year will be a much happier time.

I love you Aidan Christoper and Nugget


Merry Christmas


Merry Christmas baby boy.  What's it like celebrating with the star of the show?  Tell Jesus that we say Happy Birthday.  Mommy and daddy are having a good Christmas this year. It's not exactly what we had envisioned this time last year.  We decided to have minimal Christmas. We didn't send out cards, we didn't put up a tree, and our decorations are very modest. We love it.  You helped teach us the important things in life and we are celebrating that this year.  Next year, we pray, will be filled with our traditions of Christmas past, but this year is perfect.

We love you so much sweetie and miss you just as much.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

He is soo grounded!

I woke up this morning at 6 and normally after I wake up so does Nugget.  I always say he likes to help mommy make sure the bladder is empty.  Well he didn't wake up (or I couldn't feel him) and I didn't think about it. Then when Chris got up to shower at 6:40 I still hadn't felt him move. I started to worry a little. So I rubbed my belly and said Nuggy it's time to wake up....nothing. Not going to lie, I was starting to panic, so I started poking the belly and talking to him more. At 7 I still didn't feel anything. At this point Chris was in bed with me talking to Nugget and trying to coax him to move. I looked at Chris at 7:10 and we both had tears in ours eyes.  Finally at 7:15 I got a nice jab and then I was able to get 10 kicks within 10 minutes. I even was sitting there asking Aidan to help us to get him moving. I.was.scared!

Yes, to some it was probably an over-reaction, but I don't care. I'm paranoid and we were both terrified. We were thisclose to calling Dr.B and heading to labor and delivery. He's been super active this morning and I just keep telling him that he's mom is a freak.

I love you Aidan Christopher and (my pain in the butt) Nugget


Monday, December 20, 2010

29 Weeks!

I seriously typed that with the biggest smile on my face. :-)

Yeah, it's a crappy looking picture, but I was trying to take it quickly because someone else was in there. :-) I'm feeling really good. My ribs are starting to get sore. I thought people were nuts for complaining about that, but dang it hurts.  Nuggy is breech (well as of Thursday) and I can tell. The kicks to the cervix at the same time getting punched in the ribs is an interesting feeling. I love it! Tomorrow, it will be 2 months until Nuggy's birthday (and not a day sooner!). This pregnancy is flying by.  Hopefully everything continues to go smoothly and bring my baby home in 2 months.

  Your baby is growing rapidly now. This week he weighs about 2 1/2 pounds (like a butternut squash) and is a tad over 15 inches long from head to heel. His muscles and lungs are continuing to mature, and his head is getting bigger to accommodate his growing brain – which is busy developing billions of neurons. Every day, about 200 milligrams of calcium is deposited in your baby's skeleton, which is now hardening. With this rapid growth, it's no surprise that your baby's nutritional needs reach their peak during this trimester. 

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nuggy!


Friday, December 17, 2010


We made it passed 28w4d!!!! I have not stopped beaming since the dr appointment yesterday.  Nuggy and my cord are fantastic.  He weighs 2lbs 14oz (2 oz shy of 3lbs) and is measuring a full week ahead.  With Aidan, he weighed in at 2lbs and was measuring a week behind. Nugget is breech right now and took some practice breaths yesterday. It was so neat to watch his little (little? lol) belly move up and down with each breath.  

During the NST he decided to go back to sleep (normal nap time), the tech didn't load the paper right, and the monitors were hurting me because they were so low.  None of that matters because he passed with flying colors! I ended up being monitored for 45 minutes because of the paper not loaded correctly. Ummm okay, I'll sit there and listen to his little heart beat.

Dr. B is very very impressed with his level activity. She said that he continues to amaze her. Well Nuggy does have an awesome big brother who is giving him encouragement. Her eyes started to well up when she was talking about how well Nuggy is doing.  My weight has gone up, but I have no idea how much. It's so freeing to look away from the scale and not care.

I'm now experiencing new things in a pregnancy and while right now it's still the same as what I was's new! It's 1 day longer than last time.  Thank you all for your love, support, thoughts and prayers for the past almost year. I wouldn't have been able to grieve Aidan or celebrate Nugget as much without you.

Oh and speaking of Aidan, because I don't do that 20 bazillion times a day, my mom had a grave blanket made for him. It's like a flat wreath and I love it! My mom has my camera, but we took lots of pictures of it.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget.


Monday, December 13, 2010

Well, we're here....28 weeks

I'm still feeling a lot less scared than I was last Monday for my appointment. Nugget has been kicking up a storm and that helps a ton!  I have a non-stress test (NST) today at 4:30 to check his activity.  I go to the dr twice a week now. On Monday's I have the NST and on Thursdays I have an ultrasound, NST and follow up with Dr. B.  I'm going to miss these people a ton after February 21st (not a second sooner!)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It's the little things...

Two things to be very excited about

1. I passed my glucose tolerance test!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm very excited that I passed the glucose test because I really really like sweets this pregnancy. I'm even more excited that I didn't have a baby that day.  Hey, it's the little things that are getting me through.

I love you Aidan Christopher and my sweets loving Nugget


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

27 weeks

Okay so this is a bad picture of my face, but Nugget looks good. lol  I'm starting with myself this time because I have a lot of updating.  I know that I've said that I was worried the past 2 weeks, but honestly I've been terrified. I was so afraid that at my appointment yesterday we'd find out that my cord was failing again. I was having nightmares every night for a week about it. Everyone kept reminding me that I could feel him move so much and that meant everything was fine, but it didn't to me. Nothing helped calm me down. Chris might even say I was a huge bitch to him (sorry mom), but he knew I didn't mean it.

 I cried all the way to work yesterday and all the way to the hospital before my appointment. I asked Aidan to help calm me down. As I was walking towards the elevators someone was coming the opposite way. This is when I knew Aidan was listening, it was my grief counselor. I just started crying and explaining all my fears. She just held me and then we prayed. Yes she's at the hospital Mondays and Tuesdays, but she's on the 4th floor while my dr is in a different building. I so badly needed her and didn't know it until I saw her.

When I was called back for the u/s Chris and I slowly,nervously, got up and started walking towards the door. The tech could tell we were nervous because she knows me and I'm never like that. When she first put the wand on my belly we saw Nugget head down facing my back. So she quickly got his heart rate before he started getting squirmy and make it more difficult. Shortly after that he rolled over and was facing us. After all the measurements were taken she told us how much he weighs. He weighs about 2 pounds 6 ounces!!!! Such a huge relief because I knew that it meant the cord was still working. Then I started crying because he's bigger than Aidan. Of course I knew he would, but it still made me cry. It was bitter sweet.  Then she looked at the cord, said it was perfect and I started crying again.  She then just sat and let us watch him move around because she knew how emotional this appointment was.  

Dr B said all the results from the u/s and the NST looked great and she was very happy with everything. She said that most babies this small aren't this active on the NST and she said Aidan must be talking to him all the time. That put me in tears too. Then she said the most honest and humbling thing. She said that she's has been nervous/worried this pregnancy and after this appointment she feels more confident. Of course we all know something could happen, but her honesty made me feel so much better!  

I feel like I lost about 10 lbs worth of stress after that appointment and I'm feeling so much better. Speaking of weight, I only gained 1 lb in 2 weeks with Thanksgiving in there. Woot Woot. Total weight gain is now 20lbs

About Nugget
This week, your baby weighs almost 2 pounds (like a head of cauliflower) and is about 14 1/2 inches long with his legs extended. He's sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing her eyes, and perhaps even sucking her fingers. With more brain tissue developing, your baby's brain is very active now. While his lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if he were born now. Chalk up any tiny rhythmic movements you may be feeling to a case of baby hiccups, which may be common from now on. Each episode usually lasts only a few moments, and they don't bother him, so just relax and enjoy the tickle 

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Hello 3rd tri

Our goal is to stay with you all the way to 38 weeks.  We didn't get a chance to get to know each other in the last pregnancy. So bring on the aches and pain and I will gladly accept them.

Yes I'm on a blogging break. I have so much to say, but I can't. I'm just going to leave it at that I'm afraid. Nugget is doing wonderful, but I'm afraid.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget

Sunday, November 28, 2010

answers to some more questions

Anonymous asked "How does it work when you have a child in the NICU? Do you basically live there, only returning home to sleep? Do they allow you to sleep there? Are you discharged and sent home without him?"

It sucks having a child in the NICU! I spent 5 of Aidan's 8 days in the hospital. We would go upstairs during hands on time because we were told that he needed his rest and to not be over stimulated.  I called up there at anytime to check on him. I also needed rest because I was recovering from surgery.

I was discharged without him and it was the most painful thing I had experienced at that time. There was a huge snow storm coming and the nurses offered to let me stay in the hospital, but without any care or room service. Basically in the parking lot of the hospital is a hotel so my mom and I opted to stay there. We only live about 15 minutes from the hospital, but I didn't want to get stranded at home. I demanded through tears to have a room facing the hospital, I had to be able to look out to see Aidan's "house" whenever I needed to. If any of his nurses still read the blog they can confirm that I called all night long. I was pumping every 3 hours so when I woke up to pump I called. I think Natalie, Aidan's night nurse, took more care of me that night with my calling than my sleeping son. I slept in because we decided that it would have been best for me to and we needed to run some errands before going back for the noon hands on time. I needed new pjs and I wanted to go out and pick them out myself so my mom and I went to Kohls. We were there for his noon and 8pm hands on time. We might have gone in for the 4pm one, but I don't remember. Do I regret not spending as much time there? Yes, but we both needed our rest.

There was a couch in his room and I guess I could have slept there, but I don't think that was really an option. They had said once it got closer for him to go home I could have roomed in because I would have been nursing him. Once we knew it was his time to go and made that decision they offered to let us stay that night with him.  I couldn't do it because I was trying not to cry around him. I wanted him to have a peaceful environment and I couldn't stop crying. I barely slept that night and didn't get up to pump because I wanted to sleep when I could. That was the best decision for us because once we decided to head back to the hospital (after calling all night for fear that he'd leave us) I had taken the time to get pretty. I wanted his last moments with us and with me to be peaceful. To be honest I wanted them to be happy to celebrate his short life. Not happy in a yay it's going to be a great day, but more having my make up and hair done.

Hopefully this answers your questions, if not please write another one and I'll be happy to answer them

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Thursday, November 25, 2010

So Thankful

Woah, 2 posts in 1 day. :-)

Here's my list in no particular order
  • Family
  • friends
  • my job
  • Chris's job
  • the girls on my message boards
  • Nugget (right now he's kicking the snot out of me and I love it!)
  • Aidan Christopher
  • Snoopy and all the other pets in our lives
  • our health
  • support group
  • my amazing support system
  • all the strong, beautiful baby loss moms that I've met
  • the men and women serving and protecting us
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you all have something to be thankful for even if it's a difficult time.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget


Happy Thanksgiving

Dear Aidan,

Happy Thanksgiving baby boy. I remember watching the wrong parade last year (long story sweetie, but it's totally something your mom does) thinking I can't wait to watch this with Wiggle next year. It made me cry a little and now I cry a little thinking how I'll never watch it with you. Don't worry sweetie, I know you're watching the parade with Nanny, Papa, your uncles, Bud and all your baby friends and that makes me smile. I'm thankful for many things this year. I'm especially thankful for YOU. You taught me so many things in your short 8 days. You turned me into a mom and more importantly you're mom. I'm so thankful that I was chosen to be your mom and you my son.  So this Thanksgiving we are going to eat lots, have lots of fun with family and be thankful for so many things. We will enjoy this holiday season while always having you on our hearts and mind.

I love you sweetie, Happy Thanksgiving


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

25 week appointment

If you are on the message board that I post on this directly from that...

We're at the point where my cord started to fail with Aidan. At this point my body was failing him and I had no idea. I felt fantastic, my belly was growing and I thought everything was perfect. So yeah I had a lot of anxiety going into this appointment.

Nugget is doing great and my cord is working perfectly. He's head down, measuring a few days ahead and weighing in at 1lb 13oz. He grew 8 oz in 2 weeks. He has Aidan's nose. He took a practice breath and was "talking"/moving his mouth.

When we saw and heard the blood flow through the cord I started crying because of how wonderful it was. I also cried when I heard that his rate was 140. Aidan's hb was 140 the day he was born. Dr B told me to lay down so we could listen again. He was awake at that point so it was 158. She said she could tell I was anxious by my bp and said that if I want to come in every day for the next two weeks to listen to the heartbeat it's fine with her. I won't take up that offer, but she really helped calm me down.

My mom came with me to the appointment and she was in love. I don't think she'll let Chris go to anymore of them. In 2 weeks I have the gestational diabetes test, which also kind of freaked me out since I took that the morning that Aidan was born. I have to be honest, I'm going to be glad if I make it past all these "milestones"

25w2d with my chunky man measuring 25w5d

Monday, November 22, 2010

25 weeks

Head to heels, your baby now measures about 13 1/2 inches. His weight — a pound and a half — isn't much more than an average rutabaga, but he's beginning to exchange his long, lean look for some baby fat. As he does, his wrinkled skin will begin to smooth out and he'll start to look more and more like a newborn. He's also growing more hair — and if you could see it, you'd now be able to discern its color and texture. 

Can I just say that I hate that it's November 22nd and I'm wearing a t-shirt today. Come on cold weather!  Things are going good on the baby front. I feel great, he kicks all the time and we've been playing push and punch. I push on my belly and he punches me.  Is that mom abuse? lol

Emotionally I'm getting worse. I'm getting closer to when Aidan was born (gestationally) and it's hard. People have commented oh well you're bigger now so that should help. Yeah no, I measured right on with Aidan and I'm bigger this time because Nugget is my second. I feel amazing and I felt that with Aidan too so that doesn't give me any confidence. It does help that Nugget is already pretty chunky and we'll find out tomorrow how much weight he's gained in the past 2 weeks. Hopefully he has gained a lot and that's why my weight will be so astounding. :-) I'm not stressing or even getting worked up, but I'm finding it harder and harder to tell people that I'm doing good. I just want to tell everyone that I'm scared, but who wants to hear that? People (those who know my history, but I've never been open with them about it) want to hear how wonderful pregnancy is.

This is so similar and yet so different from grieving. People would ask how I was and if we were close I'd be honest with them and if we're not it would just be a simple fine. Now when I tell people I'm scared, some of them have told me that I need to get over it.  Throw those people back into the pile of those that I'm not close with. Thankfully I have an amazing support system and they are just pat me on the head and tell me I'm not crazy. That's all I ask, you don't have to agree with me, just don't tell me I'm crazy. lol Okay so that's all

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!


Monday, November 15, 2010

24 week

Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon.

So this is the week of viability. If you remember last time (don't worry if you don't, I barely do) I was over the moon excited that we finally hit viability. It means that babies who are born starting at this point have a 50/50 chance of survival. Well when you're on the losing side of 50/50 you no longer get excited about this "milestone." Yes I'm glad to know that if Nugget had to be born soon that the hospital would work on him, but that's the extent of my excitement. I'm more excited that I now have 98 days until Nugget's birthday. This pregnancy is flying by and it will be February 21st before we know it. I'm not the type anymore where 98 days feels like forever away because I'm more than happy to wait the 98 days patiently while Nugget continues to grow.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Lara's questions

Lara asked "Have you thought about how you'll tell Nugget about his big brother? Are you signing Aidan's name on Xmas cards?"

I've been thinking about how we'll tell Nugget about Aidan since day one. Well to be honest I've been thinking about that since we lost Aidan. Right now I have a "shrine" of Aidan on our mantle and I know that I will have to take that down. The last thing I want is for Nugget to feel second best. So going back to the question, kind of, we plan on putting up a picture of an awesome picture of Aidan's name that a friend took for me, hint it's the header of this blog, a picture of Aidan and a Guardian Angel quote over the crib in Nugget's room. I've already started telling Nugget about Aidan and will continue to talk to him about him. I want Nugget to always answer with "I have a big brother in heaven."  I don't want to overwhelm him though and think that he has to live up to Aidan's name. We will have to make sure to not cross that delicate line

I will be signing Aidan's name on some Christmas cards. For very close friends and family his name will be on there with a halo over the A. For the other ones, I plan on signing the Chris lastname family with a little silver angel. I can't not include Aidan, but at the same time I don't want to seem weird by including his name. We're also going to do a family picture to include and I will be holding a stuffed frog to include Aidan in the picture.

Some might say that I include him too much, but he's a part of our family. I know it's normal with elders who pass to not include them, but Aidan is a baby and babies aren't supposed to die. So there is no right or wrong way of how much he is included. No one has said anything to me to suggest that I'm doing too much, but I still worry that people think that. lol

Thanks for the questions Lara and I'll answer the other ones tomorrow. I've got another post that I need to get out today.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Optimus Prime needs some prayers

I pray every night for my PgAL mommas that this will be their take home baby. Optimus Prime is one of those babies right now and his Mama Prime needs to be in people's prayers. Yesterday she had some pink spotting and is terrified. She's too early for an u/s to see if everything is okay so the only thing she can do is rest, drink lots of water and pray. Thankfully she hasn't had any more spotting, well that is of like 7pm last night. So to all my baby loss moms, please keep Optimus Prime and Mama Prime in your prayers. 

I love you ALL


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

23 weeks

Turn on the radio and sway to the music. With his sense of movement well developed by now, your baby can feel you dance. And now that he's more than 11 inches long and weighs just over a pound (about as much as a large mango), you may be able to see him squirm underneath your clothes. Blood vessels in his lungs are developing to prepare for breathing, and the sounds that your baby's increasingly keen ears pick up are preparing him for entry into the outside world. Loud noises that become familiar now — such as your dog barking or the roar of the vacuum cleaner — probably won't faze him when he hears them outside the womb. 

I had an appointment yesterday and everything went well. My little piggy is weighing in at 1lb 5oz. He was a little sleepy during the u/s, but everything is still looking great. The cord is still behaving and the placenta looks good. My cervix is nice and closed. Oh and he's still a boy!  My weight is still good. I'm gaining 1 lb every two weeks, which surprises a lot of people with the amount of food I eat. :-)


Tuesday, November 9, 2010


I've seen other bloggers do this so I'm going to open this up to my readers too. I know I'm pretty open already, but do you have any questions that you'd like me to answer? Of course I have the right to refuse to answer any questions that aren't appropriate, but again I'm pretty open so who knows.

If I don't get any questions, I promise my feelings won't be hurt. I'll just take it that I'm open enough that no one has any. :-)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget


Monday, November 8, 2010

Talk about being called to go to Church

Chris and I are not normally church goers. We believe and our mind set is that we don't have to go to church to have a relationship with God. I've been feeling extra anxious the past few days even though I feel Nugget kicking all the time. So we decided to go to church.

WOW. We get there and the lady sitting in front of us has the book Waterbugs and Dragonflies. Most baby loss mom's know about this book and it was read during Aidan's service. I knew this was going to be interesting. The sermon was about what happens after death and a little bit of what it's like in Heaven. It just happened to be the day of the month/year where the church acknowledges those who have been lost this year. As soon as we were told that we could come up, light a candle and announce who we lost I broke out into a sweat. My heart started racing and I was feeling light headed. I knew that I had to go up and light a candle for my sweet Aidan, but how was I going to say his name without bawling? Chris was going to say Bud's name and we both knew it would be weird if he went up twice. Once to hold my hand and then again to light Bud's candle. So I took some deep breaths and stood up. Really, giving me a candle when I was already shaking wasn't a good idea. I managed to light the candle and place it in the tin bucket full of sand. Phew one step down one more to go. It was my turn at the microphone... the bright lights in my eyes made it a little less scary, but I was still afraid I was going to start sobbing. So quietly I said my son Aidan Christopher lastname and quickly walked away. Yay I did it! Once I got back to my chair is when I started to lose it. It wasn't a full on ugly cry, but crying none the less. Chris went up a few people after me and just said Bud lastname. I was so proud of him because if you know Chris, you know that he doesn't talk unless he's around a group of people he knows very well.

So yeah, it was a pretty amazing service and I'm so glad we went.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I'm so proud to be your mommy

Friday, November 5, 2010

OMG hold me 22w

I no longer have weekly fruits. It's just month ones. ::grabs paper bag:: I was so excited for this last time and now it's scary that I'm getting so close to 28w. I know it's just a fruit, but still kinda freaking out over here.

Watch what you say -- baby is now able to hear outside noise from down in the womb. Studies show that baby finds gentle music and your own voice most soothing. Nipples are starting to sprout, and that little face is fully formed. And, baby's starting to settle into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when -- just pay attention to those kicks as they start and stop. 

Technically this is 21w5d, but I love it. Below is 22w5d
I've been feeling really good. Nugget is extremely active and I love it. I honestly thought Aidan was extremely active until now. I felt him a few times a day and I already can tell Nugget's sleep cycle. I guess (well I know) it's from the anterior placenta that I had with Aidan. Chris has now felt and has seen Nugget move. He reads him a book about dump trucks, ice cream trucks, cement mixers and a couple other ones. It's about smashing and crashing things. Well after the first time he read it we just sat and watched my belly as Nugget rolled around in there. It was amazing! We never saw that with Aidan. I might have been able to, but I never thought I'd be able to see my stomach move that early. I thought you had to be in the 3rd trimester for more than a couple of days.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

9 months

Woah, how has it been 9 months already?


Hi sweet baby boy. I miss you pumpkin. I know you're up there playing with Bud and all of your friends. I so wish you were here with me, but it's getting a little easier every day. I still only look back on your short life and smile. Of course mommy gets sad, but that's because I miss what we could have had. I read Goodnight Moon to your brother last night. Daddy was taking Snoopy out for his late night potty so I decided to read it. When daddy came upstairs he found me sobbing on the bed. I loved our nightly ritual of reading that and once you were born I got to hold your hand while I read it. I miss that! People have asked mommy if it's easier to handle losing you because your brother is on the way. Same answer as always, nope. He isn't replacing you and I don't want to make my emotions a burden on him. I just tell everyone that I have two different sons who are two different people.

Guess what buddy. I met someone new today who I got to tell your story to. It always brings me so much joy to talk about you. She even said that you are such a handsome little boy. Oh and I have a huge favor to ask........can you give Caleb a giant hug for me and tell him how special it is to watch over his mommy while she cooks another baby? I know you probably already did. :-)

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

1 appt down 24 to go

Nugget looked perfect today at my appointment. He was kicking the u/s wand the whole time and just being silly. The cord looks wonderful and so does my cervix. Nugget is a little porker, he weighs 15oz and his belly is still measuring a week ahead. In total he is measuring 4 days ahead, my belly however is measuring a week and a half ahead. It's weird because Aidan, until 28w, measured exactly and never ahead. It does help with the anxiety level, a lot actually. We didn't get very good pictures today, but that's because mr active, well very active. We did get a picture of his nose that is difficult to see, but when I saw the shot, I immediately saw Aidan. The first thing I saw before Aidan was taken up to the NICU was his button nose. So seeing Nugget's button nose was sweet, but sad at the same time.

I love you button nosed Aidan Christopher and mr active Nugget

Monday, October 25, 2010

21 weeks

Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot. You may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. In other developments, your baby's eyebrows and lids are present now, and if you're having a girl, her vagina has begun to form as well. 

Yesterday my momma took me shopping and I got 5 new maternity shirts. I think she was getting tired of seeing the same shirts in all my pictures. :-) Well there is a 6th shirt that she ironed for me, but I'll be posting that next week. So here is my 21w picture in one of my new shirts...
Are you happy momma that I didn't cut off my head this time? I was up at 5:30 ( well actually 4:30) and decided to take a shower and do my hair so I could have a decent looking picture. :-)

Oh and for comparison here's what I looked like at 21w with Aidan


Friday, October 22, 2010

2 mini milestones

Okay just 1 mini one and 1 that just kinda makes me feel hmmmm. I don't know how to describe the feeling so I'm sticking with hmmmmmm

1. As of yesterday we 4 months until we meet Nugget. Again cord, it's written down so don't get confused and think it's time 11 1/2 weeks early!

2. There are 8 weeks to go until we've hit the point of when Aidan was born. That's obviously the one that makes me think hmmmmmmm.  My anxiety level is going up, but I'm coping with that.

So there are the 2 mini milestones.
Love you Aidan Christopher and Nuggs


Thursday, October 21, 2010

20 weeks

Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper after birth. And, speaking of the diaper situation... baby's genitals are now fully formed!<--------- yes they are and he's not afraid to show them!

Yeah it's a little late, but I looked weird in my other pictures. That or someone was getting ready to walk into the bathroom and I had to take the picture real quick. :-D

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!


Sunday, October 17, 2010

Funeral was yesterday

Yesterday we said our last good-byes to Bud's body. One thing that helped me with Aidan was seeing him in the casket. He didn't look like the little boy I had stared at for 8 days. That helped again with Bud yesterday. Bud's casket was open for a lot longer than Aidan's was and I was just waiting for him to jump up and say psych. The body looked like Bud, but it wasn't the Bud I know. There wasn't a giant smile on his face like Bud always had. It helped with some closure.

So many people told Chris how much Bud loved him and respected him. "Little Bud" was thrown around a lot to let him know the depth. That touched Chris more than anything else. His daughter told me that Bud adored me and even though I knew that, it was nice to hear. We then got in line to head to the cemetery. That was the first time that I have been a part of it. If you know me personally, one of my ways of coping is with laughter. I kept telling the cars that had green lights that they couldn't go and to sit back and relax. I think that helped Chris also to be able to laugh. Bud is in a beautiful location in the cemetery. The sun was shining and as we were sitting/standing there the wind started blowing. It was like Bud was there with us at that moment.

It was difficult for me. I'm still grieving Aidan and I'm thrown back into the depths of grief for Bud. I know that I will come out of this on the other side again. This time I'm taking care of Chris and also trying to be there for Bud's family.

RIP Bud and thank you for everything you have given us.

I love you Aidan Christopher, Nugget and Bud

Friday, October 15, 2010

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Please visit to donate, upload a picture of yourself, and show support.  They are trying to get 2,000 pictures from 2,000 women who have experienced loss in order to represent the number of women and families who lose a pregnancy or infant every day. Yup, you read that correctly, EVERY DAY.

Tonight at 7pm, in all time zones, light a candle for anyone you know who has lost a baby. Even if you don't think you know someone, light a candle because there is a very good chance that you do know someone. I will be lighting a special candle for my Aidster and a candle for all the amazing mommas that I've met as a part of this awful club. Without the help of many of them I would be in a much different place. I hate that we have this bond, but I'm so thankful they are in my life.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Last night a close family friend lost his battle with cancer. He was diagnosed in March with stage 4 esophagus cancer, so this happened fairly quickly. Bud went to the hospital Tuesday night and passed away Wednesday night at 8pm. Chris and I had a chance to say our good byes, but I wish I would have seen him while he was still conscious. I did most of the talking to Bud yesterday and told him that we love him and we’re so happy he was in our lives. Because of him we were given so many opportunities. Of course I will give back those monetary experience to have more time with him, but we all know that won’t happen.

Bud was a huge part of our support system and now he’s gone. Let me tell you, the 2nd huge loss in one year is not any easier.  It helps slightly that he’s not in pain anymore and lived for 66 years. He left behind a wife, 2 kids and grandkids. Then there is his work family that is struggling along with other friends and family.

I guess life after Aidan has taught me how to handle this type of pain. My little Aidster has a new buddy to play with and I know Bud is up there taking care of all of our babies.

Rest in peace Bud and know that we all love you and miss you so incredibly much.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Bud


Monday, October 11, 2010

19 weeks

Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces, and measures 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato. The hair on her scalp is sprouting. This is a crucial time for sensory development: Your baby's brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Some research suggests that she may be able to hear your voice now, so don't be shy about reading aloud, talking to her, or singing a happy tune if the mood strikes you. 

So we saw Nugget again today and he's looking great. He weighs about 11oz now. Aidan weighed the same at the "big u/s" The tech was a different one. She was very rough and it hurt so badly. I asked if she'd check the blood flow through the cord and even after explaining that my cord failed she said nope. I was not impressed. Apparently my cervix is shorter, but my dr isn't concerned. She said she'll check it again in 2 weeks, but thinks it was a different reading because she doesn't know this tech's way of doing the measurements. Chris and I also thought it was weird the way she measured it. Nugget is still a boy and was very happy to show off the goods. Everything is looking great with him.
We've scheduled out the rest of my pregnancy. I knew that I was going to be monitored much more closely this time, but we didn't think it would be this much. I'm now having ultra-sounds (u/s) every 2 weeks. Starting at 28w I'll be going in twice a week for Non-stress test (NST) and once weekly u/s. Then at 32w I'll have twice a week NST and u/s. I have about 25 appointments between now and February 21st. Dr. B just wants to make sure that if anything happens, they can catch it earlier this time. I'm so thankful for all of these appointments, but I'm nervous about telling work. They are already prepared for it, but I'm still nervous.

Back to Nugget, when I read that he can start to hear us I brought Goodnight Moon back out. I have it memorized so I was telling it to Aidan every once in awhile, but I want to continue reading it to Nugget. I've also started telling Nugget about his big brother. I'm telling the story little by little and will keep telling it to him. I want him to always acknowledge his big brother.

I'm working on another blog post about guilt, but I'm not ready to share it yet. 

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget
19w1d pg

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

18 weeks

Your fetus has become amazingly mobile (at least compared to you), passing the hours yawning, hiccuping, rolling, twisting, kicking, punching, sucking and swallowing. And, baby's finally big enough that you'll be able to feel those movements soon.

Well the biggest update that we have is that Nugget's birthday has been scheduled. I have to have everyone write it down in permanent marker so my cord doesn't think we can evict him any sooner. My mom and I decided that my cord got confused without having a set date and figured it was time. So our little nugget boy will be born on February 21, 2011. The c-section is scheduled for noon, but we all know there is a good possibility it will get pushed back a little. Lara~I tried to get the first one of the day per your suggestion, but no such luck. :-)

If you're wondering why we (well I decided) chose February 21st, here's why. Aidan was born on Monday February 1st. that is 2-1 and the 21st is also a Monday and well....the 2-1 of 21. I really wanted to have the date have a special meaning and how much more special could that be.  When I told my ob why I wanted that date she started to tear up a little and said it's perfect and meant to be.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

8 months

Dear Aidster,

Hey sweetie. I can't believe it's been 8 months. Daddy and I were talking about how quickly the time has gone. Thinking of all the things you could be doing at 8 months shocks me. We went to visit Dave and Michelle for Bryson's 1st birthday party. The party was the same day as the walk to remember at home. The local hospitals have a walk similar to the March for Babies every fall. They release balloons and I'm told it's an incredible sight to see all of them go up. Well I didn't want you to be left so Bryson and I sent some balloons up to you. It was extremely emotional to see that little note card being sent up to you. I knew it would be, but I didn't know it would be that much. I couldn't read Goodnight Moon to Bryson because last time it made me a blubbering mess and I didn't want to upset him even more. Poor guy is teething and is sick. :-( Aunt Michelle read it and when we got to your picture she asked him where you were. He pointed right to you. It was very sweet.

As we were driving home, daddy and I both talked about how much we miss you. We miss you every day, but there are some days out of the blue we just get this overwhelming feeling of missing you so much. It's nice that daddy and I are having similar feelings.

I miss you and love you so much sweet Aidan Christopher!

Friday, October 1, 2010

I’d like you to meet someone

I’m pretty sure I haven’t shown any pictures of nugget on here.

2010-07-20 18.25.38

Here’s our blob at 6w

2010-07-31 12.24.13

Our gummy bear at 8w

2010-08-03 16.13.57

This was the first time we saw him dancing around at 9w

I had spotting early on, that’s why I had 3 u/s.



He looks like a pissed off puppy in this picture! The white on his face is his skull. The two black spots on the side of the white is his eyes. Oh and this was taken at 15w


Here he is all tucked up on Wednesday at 17w


Here he is kicking himself in the forehead. The white area is his head, and you can see his foot right in front of it. His other leg is stretched out. See the 2 black areas? That’s his amniotic fluid and that’s where his feet are.


This is my favorite picture. It’s his butt cheeks. Not too surprising that it’s my favorite since one of my favorite pictures of Aidan is his old man butt up in the air during tummy time. He’s on the left side of the picture. His butt cheeks are right next to the big black area. You can see his spine and ribs at the bottom left.

So everyone this is Nugget, Nugget this is everyone.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nuggs!


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

17 weeks


Baby's skeleton is hardening, changing from rubbery cartilage to bone, and fat is finally accumulating around it. The umbilical cord is getting thicker and stronger,*Do you need me to reread that to you cord? You get thicker and stronger and continue to work!!!!!!! and those little fingers and toes are now topped by one-of-a-kind prints.


Picture was taken yesterday at 17w1d.

I had a dr appt today. Chris wasn’t able to make it so that made me anxious. That on top of the horrible weekend I had, my nerves were through the roof. My blood pressure was high and my dr was concerned. I told about everything lately so she quickly put the doppler on my stomach to hear his heartbeat. We heard a woosh and then he moved so it took her a few moments to find it. It was perfect at 150. She then checked my blood pressure again and it was back to normal. Phew. I go back in 2 weeks for the big u/s where they will make sure all of his organs are in the right spot. Plus checking on the cord.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!



Monday, September 27, 2010

It's just not fair!

My friend Susan and her husband, already baby loss parents, lost their son yesterday. No one should have to go through this once, let alone twice. Without going into too much detail, their son Matthew Finley was born at 1:51pm from pre-term labor. He passed away a few hours later in Susan's arms. We all thought this was going to be a miracle story and our entire community is mourning the loss of matthew finley.

Susan and Tim, you are loved so much and so are your sweet angels Katie Jane and Matthew Finley. You are and will continue to be in my prayers. I love you all so much


Saturday, September 25, 2010

weekly updates

I decided that I’m not going to do them anymore until I get to 29 weeks. I’m still taking weekly pictures, but I don’t want to do the updates. We already know I have stretch marks, I don’t care about weight gain, soon I’ll be getting more movement, I’ll never miss the things you can’t have while pregnant and my advice to always love your babies.  I know I don’t have to explain it, but I thought I would put some words instead of just the weekly shot of my belly.

This one was taken on Wednesday. I look like I’m standing straight up, but I was so sore I had to take this one quickly.

Here I am at 16w3d

2010-09-22 15.58.53

I love you Aidan Christopher and nugget



Friday, September 24, 2010

Interesting start to the week

For the record, I’ve been trying to write this for a few days but blogger kept deleting what I wrote.

So if I leave for work before 7:05 I can take the highway. Traffic usually isn’t bad and I get to work early. If I leave later I take the backroads. On Monday I decided that even though I was leaving at 7:20, I would take the highway. I’m a very defensive driver, I constantly assume that everyone is going to cut me off. I was in the middle lane and about 5 minutes from work. Cars were merging over and of course the slow poke going 10 under the speed limit was backing up traffic. The car in front of me put on their brakes and so did I. Then they slammed them on and I was back far enough that I could stop without hitting them. Well….that didn’t stop the chick from behind me from rear-ending me. She was trying to merge, turned to check the fast lane and slammed into my car. She was only going about 10-20 mph. Since we were in the middle lane we both tried to move over to get to the shoulder.

I was terrified! My initial thought was oh my God, is Nugget okay? I called 911 and they transferred me to the State police; side note, why is that when I call 911 they transfer me to someone else. Do they transfer the ones who are in labor or actually help them? I told them I was rear-ended and that I’m 4 months pregnant. I told anyone who would listen that I’m pregnant. 45 minutes later the cop showed up. The girl who hit me started primping before he walked up to her car. We sat there for another 30 minutes, we being Chris, he came up to be with me. The cop was complaining about his computer working slowly so he told us he’d call with the information and to get to the dr.

We went straight to the OB and called the office as we were walking into the building. They got me in quickly for an u/s and nugget was perfect. My placenta and cervix looked fine so they weren’t concerned. I stayed home from work on Monday and Tuesday because I was so sore. I’m feeling a lot better now and we’re currently fighting with her insurance. For some reason, even though they have our cell #’s and were told to call those, her agent is calling us at home when we’re at work……………

So here’s two pictures of the slight damage to my car.

2010-09-20 10.20.44 

2010-09-20 10.20.51

Her car was smashed in on the passenger side.

Oh and right after I kept telling Aidan how scared I was and that I needed him to help calm mommy down. A few minutes later, a song that reminds me of him came on.

I love you Aidan and Nuggs!


Saturday, September 18, 2010

Big step

So if we’re friends on TB, you’ve probably already read this. Chris and I drove around some garage sales today. We decided to take a look a baby stuff. Now from my post a week or two ago, this is HUGE! I’ve been able to look at clothes and stuff online, but wasn’t ready to shop. Well we got a bunch of Old Navy and Carters outfits for $10. I was so proud of myself for not having a breakdown.  I’m still not ready for the stores, but it was nice to buy some stuff for Nugget.

The guy who was selling the stuff asked if Nugget is our first and I quickly responded with no. Then he chimed in with how different it is with two kids instead of one. I didn’t say anything, but then he asked how old our first is. I simply said he didn’t make it. He apologized/gave his condolences and then practically ran away to help someone else. It was comforting for me to say nope, he’s not my first even though it made that guy uncomfortable. Again, it’s all about me. :-D

So here are the outfits that we bought…

IMG_2243 Of course we had to get the frog one, even thought it’s 12m size



IMG_2246 Seriously, how cute is that?





There’s some more, but these are my favorite ones.

I’m just really proud of myself for not having a panic attack and running away. Hopefully one 10/11 we’ll confirm that Nugget is still a boy…if not she’ll be a tomboy for awhile. ;-)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!


Thursday, September 16, 2010

68% of you...

Yes, I know I just said I was going to bed, but I want to post this first. My blog, my rules. :-D

Picture from here
So 68% of you, were wrong. Aidan's going to have a baby brother! Now the tech isn't 100 % sure, but she did say that she's 99% sure. We go back in 4 weeks for another scan and she'll take a looksee around. Nugget doesn't have a name and he won't have one until he's born. We already have 2 out of the 3 names picked out, but we're not telling those. Honestly, just like with Aidan, we don't want other people's opinions. :-)  He's looking great, measuring a few days ahead and the cord is doing it's job. I'm concerned about that, but I'll be more concerned as we get closer to 28w. The placenta is back in the back of my ute so it's not attaching anywhere near my incision, which up until Ashley posted about it, I didn't even think twice about that. The tech scanned him for about 20 minutes and was so patient with me and all of my questions. I apologized for asking so many and her response was "With everything you've been through sweetie, ask anything you want and I will keep scanning him until you're okay." It's so nice to have such an awesome, supportive group of people from my dr's office.

I love you Aidan Christopher and baby boy nugget


2:30 am ramblings

So Chris freaked out this morning after a nightmare. I'm talking grabbed a pillow and started swinging it around. Of course that woke Snoopy and I up. hour later and he's up in bed fast asleep while I'm wide awake. This isn't cool.  It is giving me a chance to write something that I'm finally ready to write. I don't know if I was avoiding it because that would make it not true, but that's never the case. Aidan has been gone longer then he was in my tummy. Ouch, that just hurts to write. I knew this milestone would pass and I knew it would hurt, but it sucks. I miss my little smushy baby so much.

I've had a few people say "well now that you're pregnant with nugget..." and let me tell you, that stings worse then "God has a plan" or "Everything happens for a reason." Of course until you've been in a pair of baby loss shoes, you never fully grasp how a simple phrase can end up hurting someone. Yes, I am pregnant with nugget now, but the baby will never take away my hurt and longing for Aidan. I know as time moves on the pain will lessen as it already has, but I will never look at nugget as the baby that took away the pain. These pregnancies are so similar that it scares me. Not an all consuming, think about constantly type fear, but I think about it as I lay in bed falling asleep. I think about it when I'm sitting in the waiting room, every 2 weeks, getting ready for the dr to try to find the heart beat. So after this short rambling, I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I'm now pregnant with nugget, that's never going to be a phrase that will calm my fears. It's just going to come off, to me as a baby loss mom, as saying well now that you are pregnant with nugget you should move on from your loss. It's not going to happen.

Well it's now 3:45 and Snoopy is snoring next to me so I should probably try to get some sleep.

I love you Aidan Christopher and nugget!