Saturday, March 17, 2012


As another blogger said something like she doesn't have as much to write about because her words came from her hurt and struggles while dealing with IF. She has beautiful triplets now. Well that's why I haven't written as much as I used to. I'm so happy right now. Of course it has to do with my beautiful Lucas, but more of it has to do with my beautiful Aidan. I've had some semblance of happiness for the past year and a half. I've had fear and anxiety hanging over my head. I've been terrified that Lucas is going to die. I've had grief and guilt. So much guilt. I felt it was my fault that Aidan died. Well...all of that has changed. I'm happy, so incredibly happy. It took me 2 years, but I no longer blame myself for Aidan dying. I blame myself that he was born early because it was MY body. MY body failed him, but I DID NOT cause the bleed or cause his organs to fail. Once I had that guilt finally come off of my shoulders I was so happy again. People have been telling me for 2 years that it wasn't my fault, but I didn't believe that and now I do. Most of my anxiety is gone. I'm still afraid of Lucas' dying, but it's not constantly at the front of my mind. It's more, I assume, the same level as every "normal" mom.

We've been asked when we're going to have more kids. We had originally planned on trying after Lucas' first birthday, but we're not ready. Now that I have this level of happiness I want to really enjoy Lucas while he's little. My next pregnancy will be high risk, full of anxiety again and I won't be able to do much with little dude because my max weight limit to lift is 15lbs and he's above that (thank goodness) and constantly growing. So for now, we have no plans on trying for the next year or two. We are okay with a surprise pregnancy, but we won't be trying.

I love feeling this happiness again. Of course I'm going to have bad days and that's okay. I miss Aidan with every fiber of my being, BUT that's good. That means that Aidan is my son and will always be in my heart and my head. I'm so happy that Aidan is my son and that I have him watching over us. My marriage is great (minus a little hiccup from lack of communication surrounding Lucas' birthday, but that's worked out), Lucas is great and I enjoy my job.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I love you Lucas Alexander.


Sunday, March 11, 2012

He walks

Not very well, but he's walking a little.

Now we're getting ready to head to the park. :-)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander


Saturday, March 10, 2012

March for Babies

It's that time of year again. I'm certain I've posted already this year, but I can never post too much asking to help babies in need.

I've got the shirts designed, Thanks Allison, and now I'm going to take orders for the shirt. If you want one, please send me an e-mail with your size request. I don't want spammers so my e-mail will look weird. It's magdalina.h @ gmail . com. Once I have an idea of how many people want a shirt, I will know the cost. It will be somewhere around $20. *With ordering a shirt, if I can get a company down to $10 a shirt, the additional $10 will be going to the Team Aidan Christopher.*
This is the front

This is the back.

If you want to make a donation to the MoD you can click on the sidebar image or on the link below. 

I love you Aidan Christopher and I love being able to do this in your honor. I know honor usually means for a survivor, but you are a survivor in my heart. :-)


Monday, March 5, 2012

I did it

*If you don't want to read about my pumping breast milk, stop right here.*

I reached my goal of pumping for a year! I wanted to nurse Lucas for a year, but stopped at 13 weeks because he was just an awful eater. Never would latch correctly unless I was at support group. I decreased my pumping scheduled at 7 months and we introduced formula so I wouldn't be constantly attached to the pump. I was nervous that my supply would go down and I would have to add in more formula than I was comfortable with. When Lucas got croup he couldn't stomach formula so I increased my supply and that was the start of the end of formula for him. He was officially off breast milk when he was 1 year and 4 days old. He transitioned perfectly to cows milk. He is right on track for his curve on the growth chart and I know I did the best thing for him by pumping for over a year.

Weaning was difficult for me. It was on a similar time line of when I stopped pumping to donate in Aidan's name. So a lot of emotions came up. I couldn't remember what OTC I could take to help lower my supply and I ended up having to google what to take after a loss. That really hurt my heart. There were several times that I just wanted to pump again since that was the only thing I could give Lucas that was just me and him. I wanted so badly to give Aidan a bottle to see if that would help, but he couldn't handle it. So I added extra pressure of wanting to hit a year with Lucas. So many little things that I didn't think would bother me after losing Aidan, but it has.

I do have to admit that it's awesome to not have the pump with me every where I go. I can enjoy a couple of drinks on St. Patty's without worrying about it going into the milk. My fridge is now full of healthy snacks for Lucas and I don't have to remember which one to grab first in order of date pumped. lol So to my Medela Freestyle, I will see you again in a few years. For now, enjoy the break.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander


Sunday, March 4, 2012

Bathroom remodel

When we bought our house over 6 years ago we said that we'd take the carpet out and put in tile. Yeah, that was 6 years ago and we just got around to it. So without further adieu, below are the remodel pictures. First set are of the guest bath.

A whole bunch of pictures that I didn't take of the tile guy putting in tile...
The almost finished project. We are going to slowly change out the accessories, but the remodel took a big hit on our account.
Now onto the Masterbath

Chris's parents came over to help Chris rip out the bathroom and then put it back together. I'm so glad they were able to help us. My job was to watch Lucas...perfect job for me. Oh and I put all of the light switch plates back on. :-) Lucas has already worn the tile in, he was having naked time while the bath water was running. So glad we had tile instead of carpet.

Lucas and I passing the time.

Tile is from Big Bobs Flooring
Paint is Tinsel from Menards
Toilets (the kind where you lift up for #1 and push down for #2) and vanity are from Lowes
Vanity top is from Home Depot

I love the bathrooms and I'm so glad we finally updated them! I love you more Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander