Saturday, March 17, 2012


As another blogger said something like she doesn't have as much to write about because her words came from her hurt and struggles while dealing with IF. She has beautiful triplets now. Well that's why I haven't written as much as I used to. I'm so happy right now. Of course it has to do with my beautiful Lucas, but more of it has to do with my beautiful Aidan. I've had some semblance of happiness for the past year and a half. I've had fear and anxiety hanging over my head. I've been terrified that Lucas is going to die. I've had grief and guilt. So much guilt. I felt it was my fault that Aidan died. Well...all of that has changed. I'm happy, so incredibly happy. It took me 2 years, but I no longer blame myself for Aidan dying. I blame myself that he was born early because it was MY body. MY body failed him, but I DID NOT cause the bleed or cause his organs to fail. Once I had that guilt finally come off of my shoulders I was so happy again. People have been telling me for 2 years that it wasn't my fault, but I didn't believe that and now I do. Most of my anxiety is gone. I'm still afraid of Lucas' dying, but it's not constantly at the front of my mind. It's more, I assume, the same level as every "normal" mom.

We've been asked when we're going to have more kids. We had originally planned on trying after Lucas' first birthday, but we're not ready. Now that I have this level of happiness I want to really enjoy Lucas while he's little. My next pregnancy will be high risk, full of anxiety again and I won't be able to do much with little dude because my max weight limit to lift is 15lbs and he's above that (thank goodness) and constantly growing. So for now, we have no plans on trying for the next year or two. We are okay with a surprise pregnancy, but we won't be trying.

I love feeling this happiness again. Of course I'm going to have bad days and that's okay. I miss Aidan with every fiber of my being, BUT that's good. That means that Aidan is my son and will always be in my heart and my head. I'm so happy that Aidan is my son and that I have him watching over us. My marriage is great (minus a little hiccup from lack of communication surrounding Lucas' birthday, but that's worked out), Lucas is great and I enjoy my job.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I love you Lucas Alexander.



  1. I think I'm where you are right now. I'm happy. A feeling I didn't know if I would ever get back after all the stuff that's happened in the last few years. It feels good doesn't it?

  2. This post makes me so happy for you, and gives me so much hope.