Sunday, August 29, 2010

Thank you

to the author of this

There is a blog of bump post secrets where you can submit confessions. A lot of times there are some nasty and hurtful confessions, but every once in awhile there is a sweet on like this. It came at a perfect time for a few of us who have been struggling lately. So thank you.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010


I'm not sure if I wrote about this early. I felt very guilty about everything during the month of July. I don't know if part of it was the new pregnancy, but I felt a lot of it.  I felt guilty that my cord failed, i couldn't protect Aidan and then guilty that i haven't been head over heels in love with this baby. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing my heart again if we have another loss. Shockingly it hasn't been as terrifying as I thought it was going to be, but I'm still afraid. I cried every morning because I was afraid that Aidan would think that we are replacing him. I cried that I'm still mourning him so much that I'm being unfair to nugget.

I was then reminded by one of my bff's, Erin, that all of these emotions are okay. Aidan only ever knew love and up in heaven there isn't jealousy or anger. Aidan only knows how to love his little brother or sister. She also told me that I'm still being a good mom to Nugget, even though I'm still grieving.  She told me that we didn't rush into things and that Nugget is just as loved. 

Grief sucks! Guilt sucks just as much. Thankfully I haven't been feeling guilty anymore or if I do it's just little spurts instead of the entire month. I also have therapy to be thankful for. I can put all of my emotions out on the table (no, I haven't talked about my pregnancy at group, just the guilt) and be reminded that it's normal.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

week 12

The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.

Meanwhile, nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in your baby's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long and weighs half an ounce.

About momma

How far along? 12wk pg

Total weight gain/loss: +5lbs

Maternity clothes? I'm wearing maternity pants

Stretch marks? Just the tiger stripes from Aidster

Sleep: Love it and getting as much as I can

Best moment this week: Telling work

Movement: baby is moving, but it's way too soon to feel

Food cravings: steak or anything that someone mentions

Gender: I'm thinking boy, but everyone is thinking girl

Belly Button in or out? in

What I miss: Nothing and I won't miss anything besides Aidan.

What I am looking forward to: Telling all of you here on the blog

Milestones: Some books say I'm in the 2nd tri now

I love you Aidan Christopher and your sibling Nugget


Monday, August 23, 2010

Doing a little catch up

i'm catching up all the posts that I've written so far.

Comparison picture-written on 7/16

This was taken on April 2

This was taken at 6w1d pg on July 12
Talk about some bloat!

I love you Aidan Christopher and I love you nugget


Week 5-written on 7/5

 About Nugget

Your baby is about the size of a sesame seed, and he looks more like a tiny tadpole than a human. The big development this week: Your baby's brain is beginning to grow! It develops from the neural tube, a structure that will also spawn your baby's spinal cord, nerves, and backbone. Since folic acid * helps prevent neural tube defects such as spina bifida, you can see why it's so important to take it while trying to conceive and early in pregnancy. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord**, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

*Well I'm on extra folic acid so that should help. **Hey umbilical cord, let's not eff up this time, K? Do you need me to read the part of your job description again?

About momma

How far along? 5 wks 1d

Total weight gain/loss: None

Maternity clothes? nope

Stretch marks? Just the tiger stripes from Aidster

Sleep: Love it!

Best moment this week: Everyday that I'm pregnant is the best moment

Movement: Way too soon

Food cravings: Chicken nuggets

Gender: ?

Labor Signs: nada and I better not see any for at least 33 weeks.

Belly Button in or out? in

What I miss: Nothing and I won't miss anything besides Aidan.

What I am looking forward to: Telling our parents-2 more weeks!

Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy your pregnancy. You never know what will happen so love your baby wholeheartedly!

Milestones: Making it to 5 weeks

I love you Aidan Christopher! Keep an eye on your baby Nugget

5wks 1d pg

4 weeks pregnant-originally written on 6/29

In week 4, now safe in your womb, the ball of cells (blastocyst) splits in two, becoming the embryo and the placenta. The amniotic sac and fluid are forming around baby, and will act as a cushion for the next eight months.

How far along? 4 wks 2d

Total weight gain/loss: None

Maternity clothes? nope

Stretch marks? Just the tiger stripes from Aidster

Sleep: Love it!

Best moment this week: Finding out that we're expecting again

Movement: Way too soon

Food cravings: Chicken nuggets

Gender: ?

Labor Signs: nada and I better not see any for at least 34 weeks

Belly Button in or out? in

What I miss: Nothing and I won't miss anything besides Aidan.

What I am looking forward to: Telling our parents

Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy your pregnancy. You never know what will happen so love your baby wholeheartedly!

Milestones: Seeing the PREGNANT on the digital.

I love you Aidan Christopher! Keep an eye on your baby Nugget

4wks 2d pg

Sunday, August 22, 2010


Aidan’s going to be a big brother!!!!

On June 27th while sitting home alone while Chris got his hair cut I got this…

2010-06-27 13.49.49 

I know that there is no safe time, but now we are at the point where I want to share our exciting news with everyone. I know that if something does happen that you will all be amazing to us just like you have been with the loss of Aidan. Today I am 12 weeks pregnant and I love this little Nugget. My bff Michelle picked Aidan’s nickname of Wiggle and chose Nugget for this one.

I love you Aidan Christopher and your sibling Nugget!


12wks pg

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


I'm not posting this to get more comments, I just want to thank those who write comments.  I save every single one of them. When I'm having a bad day I go back and read through them. Just as a little reminder that I'm not alone and that people care about me.

Speaking of comments, I saw this on Jenni's blog today. Who are you? I have a little over 100 followers and would like to know how we know each other. So if you want, write a comment of how we know each other. If you're a BLM leave your angel's name in your comment.

Aidster, I love you baby!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

One year ago today


We found out that I was pregnant with Aidan. Chris and I both woke up late for work that Friday. I was a day late so I decided to test. The second line came up right away and I was shocked. I ran out of my bathroom and started pounding on his bathroom door.  I asked him if he saw the line too and he said “Yeah, what does that mean?” I called my bff Michelle and said I think I’m pregnant. Now we had been on the message board for awhile and knew that a line is a line, but I still didn’t believe it. I got to work around 8:45 and decided to work through my lunch to make up the time.  Well I was feeling nasty so my supervisor told me to take a 15 minute lunch to run and get some crackers at the gas station. (I had been asking everyone for saltines) I couldn’t stop smiling all day.

When I got home I took another test to make sure (that was the second of many)


Before Chris got home I put Snoopy in this…


He was wearing that when Chris got home from work.  We had plans to hang out with our friends Scott and Erin to drive up to Purdue to see Mother Grove play.  Chris and I would steal smiles and no one had any idea why.

That was one of the happiest days of our lives. I loved being pregnant with Aidan. I was for sure at my happiest when he was growing in my belly.  While I was afraid I was so happy taking care of him for 8 days. When I have to get my blood pressure taken, I think of Aidan because he is my happy place.

I love you Aidan Christopher, you are my sunshine!


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Choo Choo

Well the Indiana State Fair is underway. Where there is a state fair, there is a train, and trains bring tears.  Back around Christmas time or maybe it was January I got stopped at a railroad track because a train was going through. I sat there telling Aidan (wiggle at the time) all about trains. I told him how in the summer we'll take a ride down to the fair and I was choo chooing. Last Sunday Chris and I were headed to his parents house and the alarm started going and the arm went down. Here comes the train..... I started to tell Chris the story I just told and it started to make me tear up.  It was very weird to get choked up about a train.  I guess it goes to show that my emotions can pop up at any random time. Oh and I also can hear the train whistle at work, but it hasn't brought back those emotions like the first time I saw a train.

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Monday, August 9, 2010

6 months


Hi sweetheart. I can't believe it's been six months since I held you, kissed you, did your mouth care and changed your diaper. I never thought that August would get here so quickly. Daddy and I have had lots of ups and downs, but more ups in the past few months. We love to sit and retell our silly stories about you. I miss you so much baby boy.  It's almost football time sweetie. That kind of makes mommy sad. We loved taking you to all those Colts games last season. It will be difficult walking into the stadium knowing that you aren't with momo and frampa while daddy and I are at the game. I promise you, Aidan, that we will still have just as much this year as we did last year. I'm making this promise to you not as in us forgetting, but keeping your memory alive. It's a lot easier for me to talk about you then to be sad.  We promised that we would be happy again and I'm so incredibly happy when I'm talking about you.

This is something that you already know, but just because I'm happy doesn't mean I'm not still sad. There are random times when I just start crying. Especially with those stupid iPhone commercials. I so wish that you were still here with us. I wish I was changing your diaper, singing to you and giving you lots of kisses.

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Sunday, August 8, 2010

I am the Face.....

My friend Lara posted on Facebook about a blog called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. It's another place to tell our story. I submitted my story (with a not so flattering picture, in my opinion) and it was posted today.  Most of you have already read Aidan's story, but if you'd like to read it again. It's here.

To my babyloss mommas I really encourage you to send in your story.  As we know, during this time it's so easy to feel alone and think that no one knows what we're going through. This is another way to show and help women that we are not alone. We have a large support system even if it's on the internet. I have an amazing support system in real life. Even in people that I had no idea that they would be there for me. That being said, the amount of support that I've gotten online has blown me away. The comments, texts and messages have meant so much to me. I know that posting my story on that blog will help others as well as helping myself.

I love you Aidan Christopher and thank you for giving me the courage to speak so open and freely about you.


Saturday, August 7, 2010

I need your help

Okay, let me start this off by saying I'm nervous to write this. I think of plans,crafts or activities all the time, but never follow through with it. I'm afraid that I post this idea, not follow through and people will be disappointed. Maybe I'll post it and people will give me tips to start this project. We shall see...

So here goes. I've had this desire to make a significant donation to the NICU at my hospital.  I've made small donations of clothes, cameras and I have some scrap book supplies to give them, but I want something more. I want to give back to the place that gave me a chance to meet Aidan and to create so many memories with him.

I've been trying to think of ways of doing a fundraiser. As I was driving past the cemetery a couple of weeks ago I saw a billboard for a fallen police officers. They were holding a golf tournament to raise money for a charity in his name. Then I remembered a friend of mine who lost her brother a few years ago and they have an annual golf tournament in his name as well. ::lightbulb:: I know a bunch of golfers. Well I know my dad who loves to golf and goes with a group of guys. I know that we will have a good turn out.  However, I have no idea where to begin.  I don't know what to ask the golf course or what exactly it all will happen. 

So here's where I need your help. Does anyone have any good tips for starting something like this?   Or have any stories of a golf tournament that you've been a part of?  I'm looking at the fall of 2011 or 2012 and I would like to make it an annual event. I would change the charity to March for Babies, but that will be after the donation to the NICU.

I hope this isn't another thing that gets pushed to the side and forgotten about, but with me it is a possibility. I mean I still have Aidan's baby book sitting on the tv stand with not a single page filled out. So we shall see what if anything comes out of this.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Happy anniversary

Happy 35th anniversary to my fantastic parents! You guys have set a great example of marriage. Through thick and thin, sickness and health you've always come out of it together and still love each other just as much as you did as the day you got married. I'm so glad that you are my parents!

I love you and Aidan Christopher.