Sunday, November 28, 2010

answers to some more questions

Anonymous asked "How does it work when you have a child in the NICU? Do you basically live there, only returning home to sleep? Do they allow you to sleep there? Are you discharged and sent home without him?"

It sucks having a child in the NICU! I spent 5 of Aidan's 8 days in the hospital. We would go upstairs during hands on time because we were told that he needed his rest and to not be over stimulated.  I called up there at anytime to check on him. I also needed rest because I was recovering from surgery.

I was discharged without him and it was the most painful thing I had experienced at that time. There was a huge snow storm coming and the nurses offered to let me stay in the hospital, but without any care or room service. Basically in the parking lot of the hospital is a hotel so my mom and I opted to stay there. We only live about 15 minutes from the hospital, but I didn't want to get stranded at home. I demanded through tears to have a room facing the hospital, I had to be able to look out to see Aidan's "house" whenever I needed to. If any of his nurses still read the blog they can confirm that I called all night long. I was pumping every 3 hours so when I woke up to pump I called. I think Natalie, Aidan's night nurse, took more care of me that night with my calling than my sleeping son. I slept in because we decided that it would have been best for me to and we needed to run some errands before going back for the noon hands on time. I needed new pjs and I wanted to go out and pick them out myself so my mom and I went to Kohls. We were there for his noon and 8pm hands on time. We might have gone in for the 4pm one, but I don't remember. Do I regret not spending as much time there? Yes, but we both needed our rest.

There was a couch in his room and I guess I could have slept there, but I don't think that was really an option. They had said once it got closer for him to go home I could have roomed in because I would have been nursing him. Once we knew it was his time to go and made that decision they offered to let us stay that night with him.  I couldn't do it because I was trying not to cry around him. I wanted him to have a peaceful environment and I couldn't stop crying. I barely slept that night and didn't get up to pump because I wanted to sleep when I could. That was the best decision for us because once we decided to head back to the hospital (after calling all night for fear that he'd leave us) I had taken the time to get pretty. I wanted his last moments with us and with me to be peaceful. To be honest I wanted them to be happy to celebrate his short life. Not happy in a yay it's going to be a great day, but more having my make up and hair done.

Hopefully this answers your questions, if not please write another one and I'll be happy to answer them

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Thursday, November 25, 2010

So Thankful

Woah, 2 posts in 1 day. :-)

Here's my list in no particular order
  • Family
  • friends
  • my job
  • Chris's job
  • the girls on my message boards
  • Nugget (right now he's kicking the snot out of me and I love it!)
  • Aidan Christopher
  • Snoopy and all the other pets in our lives
  • our health
  • support group
  • my amazing support system
  • all the strong, beautiful baby loss moms that I've met
  • the men and women serving and protecting us
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you all have something to be thankful for even if it's a difficult time.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget


Happy Thanksgiving

Dear Aidan,

Happy Thanksgiving baby boy. I remember watching the wrong parade last year (long story sweetie, but it's totally something your mom does) thinking I can't wait to watch this with Wiggle next year. It made me cry a little and now I cry a little thinking how I'll never watch it with you. Don't worry sweetie, I know you're watching the parade with Nanny, Papa, your uncles, Bud and all your baby friends and that makes me smile. I'm thankful for many things this year. I'm especially thankful for YOU. You taught me so many things in your short 8 days. You turned me into a mom and more importantly you're mom. I'm so thankful that I was chosen to be your mom and you my son.  So this Thanksgiving we are going to eat lots, have lots of fun with family and be thankful for so many things. We will enjoy this holiday season while always having you on our hearts and mind.

I love you sweetie, Happy Thanksgiving


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

25 week appointment

If you are on the message board that I post on this directly from that...

We're at the point where my cord started to fail with Aidan. At this point my body was failing him and I had no idea. I felt fantastic, my belly was growing and I thought everything was perfect. So yeah I had a lot of anxiety going into this appointment.

Nugget is doing great and my cord is working perfectly. He's head down, measuring a few days ahead and weighing in at 1lb 13oz. He grew 8 oz in 2 weeks. He has Aidan's nose. He took a practice breath and was "talking"/moving his mouth.

When we saw and heard the blood flow through the cord I started crying because of how wonderful it was. I also cried when I heard that his rate was 140. Aidan's hb was 140 the day he was born. Dr B told me to lay down so we could listen again. He was awake at that point so it was 158. She said she could tell I was anxious by my bp and said that if I want to come in every day for the next two weeks to listen to the heartbeat it's fine with her. I won't take up that offer, but she really helped calm me down.

My mom came with me to the appointment and she was in love. I don't think she'll let Chris go to anymore of them. In 2 weeks I have the gestational diabetes test, which also kind of freaked me out since I took that the morning that Aidan was born. I have to be honest, I'm going to be glad if I make it past all these "milestones"

25w2d with my chunky man measuring 25w5d

Monday, November 22, 2010

25 weeks

Head to heels, your baby now measures about 13 1/2 inches. His weight — a pound and a half — isn't much more than an average rutabaga, but he's beginning to exchange his long, lean look for some baby fat. As he does, his wrinkled skin will begin to smooth out and he'll start to look more and more like a newborn. He's also growing more hair — and if you could see it, you'd now be able to discern its color and texture. 

Can I just say that I hate that it's November 22nd and I'm wearing a t-shirt today. Come on cold weather!  Things are going good on the baby front. I feel great, he kicks all the time and we've been playing push and punch. I push on my belly and he punches me.  Is that mom abuse? lol

Emotionally I'm getting worse. I'm getting closer to when Aidan was born (gestationally) and it's hard. People have commented oh well you're bigger now so that should help. Yeah no, I measured right on with Aidan and I'm bigger this time because Nugget is my second. I feel amazing and I felt that with Aidan too so that doesn't give me any confidence. It does help that Nugget is already pretty chunky and we'll find out tomorrow how much weight he's gained in the past 2 weeks. Hopefully he has gained a lot and that's why my weight will be so astounding. :-) I'm not stressing or even getting worked up, but I'm finding it harder and harder to tell people that I'm doing good. I just want to tell everyone that I'm scared, but who wants to hear that? People (those who know my history, but I've never been open with them about it) want to hear how wonderful pregnancy is.

This is so similar and yet so different from grieving. People would ask how I was and if we were close I'd be honest with them and if we're not it would just be a simple fine. Now when I tell people I'm scared, some of them have told me that I need to get over it.  Throw those people back into the pile of those that I'm not close with. Thankfully I have an amazing support system and they are just pat me on the head and tell me I'm not crazy. That's all I ask, you don't have to agree with me, just don't tell me I'm crazy. lol Okay so that's all

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!


Monday, November 15, 2010

24 week

Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon.

So this is the week of viability. If you remember last time (don't worry if you don't, I barely do) I was over the moon excited that we finally hit viability. It means that babies who are born starting at this point have a 50/50 chance of survival. Well when you're on the losing side of 50/50 you no longer get excited about this "milestone." Yes I'm glad to know that if Nugget had to be born soon that the hospital would work on him, but that's the extent of my excitement. I'm more excited that I now have 98 days until Nugget's birthday. This pregnancy is flying by and it will be February 21st before we know it. I'm not the type anymore where 98 days feels like forever away because I'm more than happy to wait the 98 days patiently while Nugget continues to grow.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Lara's questions

Lara asked "Have you thought about how you'll tell Nugget about his big brother? Are you signing Aidan's name on Xmas cards?"

I've been thinking about how we'll tell Nugget about Aidan since day one. Well to be honest I've been thinking about that since we lost Aidan. Right now I have a "shrine" of Aidan on our mantle and I know that I will have to take that down. The last thing I want is for Nugget to feel second best. So going back to the question, kind of, we plan on putting up a picture of an awesome picture of Aidan's name that a friend took for me, hint it's the header of this blog, a picture of Aidan and a Guardian Angel quote over the crib in Nugget's room. I've already started telling Nugget about Aidan and will continue to talk to him about him. I want Nugget to always answer with "I have a big brother in heaven."  I don't want to overwhelm him though and think that he has to live up to Aidan's name. We will have to make sure to not cross that delicate line

I will be signing Aidan's name on some Christmas cards. For very close friends and family his name will be on there with a halo over the A. For the other ones, I plan on signing the Chris lastname family with a little silver angel. I can't not include Aidan, but at the same time I don't want to seem weird by including his name. We're also going to do a family picture to include and I will be holding a stuffed frog to include Aidan in the picture.

Some might say that I include him too much, but he's a part of our family. I know it's normal with elders who pass to not include them, but Aidan is a baby and babies aren't supposed to die. So there is no right or wrong way of how much he is included. No one has said anything to me to suggest that I'm doing too much, but I still worry that people think that. lol

Thanks for the questions Lara and I'll answer the other ones tomorrow. I've got another post that I need to get out today.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Optimus Prime needs some prayers

I pray every night for my PgAL mommas that this will be their take home baby. Optimus Prime is one of those babies right now and his Mama Prime needs to be in people's prayers. Yesterday she had some pink spotting and is terrified. She's too early for an u/s to see if everything is okay so the only thing she can do is rest, drink lots of water and pray. Thankfully she hasn't had any more spotting, well that is of like 7pm last night. So to all my baby loss moms, please keep Optimus Prime and Mama Prime in your prayers. 

I love you ALL


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

23 weeks

Turn on the radio and sway to the music. With his sense of movement well developed by now, your baby can feel you dance. And now that he's more than 11 inches long and weighs just over a pound (about as much as a large mango), you may be able to see him squirm underneath your clothes. Blood vessels in his lungs are developing to prepare for breathing, and the sounds that your baby's increasingly keen ears pick up are preparing him for entry into the outside world. Loud noises that become familiar now — such as your dog barking or the roar of the vacuum cleaner — probably won't faze him when he hears them outside the womb. 

I had an appointment yesterday and everything went well. My little piggy is weighing in at 1lb 5oz. He was a little sleepy during the u/s, but everything is still looking great. The cord is still behaving and the placenta looks good. My cervix is nice and closed. Oh and he's still a boy!  My weight is still good. I'm gaining 1 lb every two weeks, which surprises a lot of people with the amount of food I eat. :-)


Tuesday, November 9, 2010


I've seen other bloggers do this so I'm going to open this up to my readers too. I know I'm pretty open already, but do you have any questions that you'd like me to answer? Of course I have the right to refuse to answer any questions that aren't appropriate, but again I'm pretty open so who knows.

If I don't get any questions, I promise my feelings won't be hurt. I'll just take it that I'm open enough that no one has any. :-)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget


Monday, November 8, 2010

Talk about being called to go to Church

Chris and I are not normally church goers. We believe and our mind set is that we don't have to go to church to have a relationship with God. I've been feeling extra anxious the past few days even though I feel Nugget kicking all the time. So we decided to go to church.

WOW. We get there and the lady sitting in front of us has the book Waterbugs and Dragonflies. Most baby loss mom's know about this book and it was read during Aidan's service. I knew this was going to be interesting. The sermon was about what happens after death and a little bit of what it's like in Heaven. It just happened to be the day of the month/year where the church acknowledges those who have been lost this year. As soon as we were told that we could come up, light a candle and announce who we lost I broke out into a sweat. My heart started racing and I was feeling light headed. I knew that I had to go up and light a candle for my sweet Aidan, but how was I going to say his name without bawling? Chris was going to say Bud's name and we both knew it would be weird if he went up twice. Once to hold my hand and then again to light Bud's candle. So I took some deep breaths and stood up. Really, giving me a candle when I was already shaking wasn't a good idea. I managed to light the candle and place it in the tin bucket full of sand. Phew one step down one more to go. It was my turn at the microphone... the bright lights in my eyes made it a little less scary, but I was still afraid I was going to start sobbing. So quietly I said my son Aidan Christopher lastname and quickly walked away. Yay I did it! Once I got back to my chair is when I started to lose it. It wasn't a full on ugly cry, but crying none the less. Chris went up a few people after me and just said Bud lastname. I was so proud of him because if you know Chris, you know that he doesn't talk unless he's around a group of people he knows very well.

So yeah, it was a pretty amazing service and I'm so glad we went.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I'm so proud to be your mommy

Friday, November 5, 2010

OMG hold me 22w

I no longer have weekly fruits. It's just month ones. ::grabs paper bag:: I was so excited for this last time and now it's scary that I'm getting so close to 28w. I know it's just a fruit, but still kinda freaking out over here.

Watch what you say -- baby is now able to hear outside noise from down in the womb. Studies show that baby finds gentle music and your own voice most soothing. Nipples are starting to sprout, and that little face is fully formed. And, baby's starting to settle into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when -- just pay attention to those kicks as they start and stop. 

Technically this is 21w5d, but I love it. Below is 22w5d
I've been feeling really good. Nugget is extremely active and I love it. I honestly thought Aidan was extremely active until now. I felt him a few times a day and I already can tell Nugget's sleep cycle. I guess (well I know) it's from the anterior placenta that I had with Aidan. Chris has now felt and has seen Nugget move. He reads him a book about dump trucks, ice cream trucks, cement mixers and a couple other ones. It's about smashing and crashing things. Well after the first time he read it we just sat and watched my belly as Nugget rolled around in there. It was amazing! We never saw that with Aidan. I might have been able to, but I never thought I'd be able to see my stomach move that early. I thought you had to be in the 3rd trimester for more than a couple of days.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

9 months

Woah, how has it been 9 months already?


Hi sweet baby boy. I miss you pumpkin. I know you're up there playing with Bud and all of your friends. I so wish you were here with me, but it's getting a little easier every day. I still only look back on your short life and smile. Of course mommy gets sad, but that's because I miss what we could have had. I read Goodnight Moon to your brother last night. Daddy was taking Snoopy out for his late night potty so I decided to read it. When daddy came upstairs he found me sobbing on the bed. I loved our nightly ritual of reading that and once you were born I got to hold your hand while I read it. I miss that! People have asked mommy if it's easier to handle losing you because your brother is on the way. Same answer as always, nope. He isn't replacing you and I don't want to make my emotions a burden on him. I just tell everyone that I have two different sons who are two different people.

Guess what buddy. I met someone new today who I got to tell your story to. It always brings me so much joy to talk about you. She even said that you are such a handsome little boy. Oh and I have a huge favor to ask........can you give Caleb a giant hug for me and tell him how special it is to watch over his mommy while she cooks another baby? I know you probably already did. :-)

I love you Aidan Christopher!