Friday, April 30, 2010

I’m doing okay

I’ve had some moments of darkness the past few days.  Just my natural reaction to change and I’ve accepted that this will happen.  What can you expect, the last life changing event was the loss of Aidan.  I’ve also had to deal with the consequences of someone very close to me being treated like dirt. That’s enough to make anyone have some moments of darkness, but today I’m happy. I have a new month on the calendar, yes a day early, and it means we’re one month closer to starting to discuss when we’ll start trying for another baby. I’m much more emotionally ready to begin talking about having another baby.  I’m excited about the idea of being pregnant again and giving Aidan a baby brother or sister to watch over.  I’m looking forward to more tummy time experiences, a different kind of mouth care, sunglass instead of goggles to shield my baby’s eyes from the sun and told my baby as much as I want and when I want. 

I will still have bad days and that’s okay.  I have many triggers that set me off, but the pain is lessening.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t miss Aidan more than anything in the world. It just means I’m allowing myself to heal. I will never ever ever “get over” losing Aidan. I will never ever stop thinking about him daily. I will most certainly love him and tell his story to his siblings until they have it memorized.

I love you Aidan Christopher and thank you for being there to help me heal!


Thursday, April 29, 2010

Updated total for MoD

WE RAISED $4,000 for the March for Babies.  That does NOT include all the money that was donated the March of Dimes in Aidan's name right after he passed.

Thank you all so much for donating and fund-raising.  I've got some ideas in mind for next year to help raise as much or more!!  Thank you for helping to keep Aidan's story going.

I love you Aidan Christopher and so do all your "fans"!


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I know, I know

I need to write how the March for Babies went on Sunday, but my bronchitis is acting up really badly. Enough that I called in sick yesterday. I hate calling in sick and rarely ever do.

So I will talk about my friend M that just found out that she’s pregnant again! She lost her daughter,L, in December and I believe this was their first month trying since the loss. I’m so excited for her. It gives me hope that I will get pregnant again when we are ready. I’m praying for her every night that she has a healthy full 9 month pregnancy and gets her take home baby!

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Do’s and Don’ts for helping grieving parents

*I got this list from the loss message board that I post on now. I'm not sure who wrote this list out first.

Do's  &  Don'ts
*DO Allow them to express as much grief as they are able and are willing to share with you.
*DO allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling and willing to share with you.
*DO allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to.
*DO be available. to listen, to run errands, to help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time.
*DO deal with the grieving individual gently and positively.
*DO encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much of themselves.
*DO encourage them to not impose any “shoulds” or “I should be” on themselves.
*DO give special attention to the child's brothers and sisters at the funeral and in the months to come (they are often in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give).
*DO let your genuine concern and caring show.
*DO offer specific help such as running errands, helping complete tax or medical forms, or helping to go through their loved one’s belonging.
*DO offer to be a friend.
*DO recognize that grieving has no time limit and varies from individual to individual both in the way they express their grief and the time required to stabilize.
*DO talk about your memories of the deceased child and the special qualities that made the child endearing.
*DO tell the family how sorry you are about the child’s death and about the pain they must be feeling.
*DO Acknowledge the death through visits, phone calls, sympathy cards, donations, and flowers.
*DO Remember important days such as birthdays, the death anniversary, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and any other significant day, which may be difficult for the bereaved. A telephone call, visit, or card means a great deal to a bereaved parent.
*DO Make specific offers to help, i.e.
i. I am going to the store. What do you need?
ii. Can I take your kids on Sunday afternoon?
i. On Thursday I will be bringing by dinner for the family.
ii. I will take your child to skating lessons on Sunday.
iii. Can I come and baby-sit tomorrow evening to give you a break.
iv. Do you want to get out tonight to talk, walk, or both.
*DO Offer to take the children to schools, birthday parties, and extra-curricular programs.
*DO Immediately following the loss, take charge of the household and inform family and friends of the tragedy, help answer the phone, help dress and feed the children (if applicable), and set up a meal plan.
*DO Call. Call often. For me I avoided the phone at all cost. I would say e-mail and e-mail often.
*DO When you call the bereaved, ask, "How are you doing today?"
*DO Appreciate that your bereaved relative or friend doesn't always return phone calls right away.
*DO Appreciate that nothing you say will ever make the bereaved parent sadder than the reality of what has happened to their child.
*DO Talk in your natural tone of voice.
*DO Remember that when you phone, even if it is to only leave a message, the bereaved feel comforted by your efforts.
*DO Tell the bereaved family how much you care.
*DO Remember it is usually the simple little things you say or do that mean so much.
*DO Listen.
*DO Continue to support bereaved parents well beyond the acute mourning period, even if it means years.
*DO congratulate the bereaved on good news while appreciating that they still carry a tremendous burden of grief.
*DO Find local support through bereavement groups, church, synagogue, bereavement organizations and forward the information to the bereaved family.
*DO Be sensitive that being in the presence of other children of similar age to the deceased may make the bereaved parent uncomfortable.
*DO Give the bereaved time to resume the activities they participated in before their loss.
*DO Know that effort of any kind is appreciated.
*DO Learn how to give good hugs. The bereaved need every heartfelt hug they can get.
*DO Expect your relationship with the bereaved to change. When you are bereaved, every relationship is affected in one way or another.
*DO Share your own good news with the bereaved. They still want to hear it.
*DO Say any of the following:
i. Call me at any time if you ever need to talk.
ii. I can't begin to imagine how you feel.
iii. I am so sorry for your loss.
*DO Feed and walk the dog who has probably been forgotten about.
*DO Talk to your children about the loss.
*DO Talk to your children about death and the rituals surrounding death.
*DO Find the right time and the right materials to broach the discussion of loss and bereavement with your children.
*DO Consult with your libraries and bookstores for bereavement reading materials for children.
*DO Provide your surviving children with a picture of the departed child as a cherished momento.
*DO Give children the option to attend the funeral.
*DO Give children the option of visiting at the cemetery.
*DON’T avoid mentioning their loss or the child's name out of fear of reminding them of their pain (they haven't forgotten it!).
*DON’T change the subject when they mention their dead child.
*DON’T tell them what they should feel or do.
*DON'T avoid the bereaved parents because you are uncomfortable (being avoided by friends adds pain to an already painful experience.)
*DON'T let your friends, family or co-workers grieve alone. There is a tremendous sense of isolation and abandonment during the grief process. You can help by caring, by being there, and by being the best friend you can.
*DON'T make any comments which in any way suggest that their loss was their fault.
*DON’T point out that at least they have their other children (children are not interchangeable; they can not replace each other).
*DON'T say "Your loved one is waiting for you over there," "God wanted him," "It was God's will," or "God knows best."
*DON'T say “you can always have another child.”
*DON'T say “you should be coping or feeling better by now” or anything else which may seem judgmental about their progress in grieving.
*DON'T say that you know how they feel (unless you've experienced their loss yourself you probably don't know how they feel).
*DON'T suggest that they should be grateful for their other children. Grief over the loss of one child does not discount the parents’ love and appreciation of their living children.
*DON'T tell them not to cry. It hurts us to see them cry and makes us sad. But, by telling them not to cry, we are trying to take their grief away.
*DON'T tell them what they should feel or do.
*DON'T try to find something positive (e.g. a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.) about the loss.
*DON’T Allow your own fears from preventing you from offering support to the bereaved.
*DON’T Fear that bringing up the dead child's name will create sadness.
*DON’T Say, "If you need anything call me" because the bereaved don't always know how to call and ask for your support.
*DON’T Be afraid if you make your bereaved friend or relative cry.
*DON’T Think that good news (family wedding, pregnancy, job promotion, etc.) cancels out grief.
*DON’T Have expectations for what bereaved parents should or should not be doing at different times in their grief.
*DON’T Forget the overlooked mourners (grandparents, uncles, aunt's, close friends etc.) who need your support too.
*DON’T Force bereaved people to talk about their loss. They will engage you when the time is right.
*DON’T Find yourself saying any of the following:
i. It was God's will.
ii. It was meant to be.
iii. He's in a better place now.
iv. Time heals all wounds.
v. I know just how you feel.
vi. You are still young enough to have more children.
vii. Are you not over it yet?
viii. At least you have other children.
ix. Your child is in a better place.
x. It was for the best.
xi. Now you will have an angel in heaven.
xii. It could have been worse...
xiii. It's been ______ amount of time and you have to get on with your life.
*DON’T expect grieving parents to be strong and don't compliment them if they seem to be strong.
*DON’T Tell a grieving parent how they should feel.
*DON’T Be afraid of reminding the parents about the child. They haven't forgotten.
*DON’T Be afraid to cry or laugh in front of the bereaved.
*DON’T Assume that when a grieving parent is laughing, they are over anything or grieving any less.
*DON’T Wait until you know the perfect thing to say. Just say whatever is in your heart or say nothing at all. Sometimes just being there is comfort enough.
*DON’T Underestimate the impact of grief on children. Children understand and retain a lot more than they may show.
*DON’T Think that children are too young to appreciate loss or death.
I love you Aidan Christopher!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Today's the walk!

Thanks to all of our friends, family and e-friends, we were able to raise $3,835 for the March for Babies  for Team Aidan Christopher.  I am AMAZED, humbled and honored that my little boy touched so many lives and that we were able to raise that much money.  My starting goal was $1,000 and I thought I kind of set the bar high, well you all showed me!

*REMINDER* If you have a team Aidan Christopher shirt (and it got mailed to you in time, sorry Megan!) please wear it today even if your local walk isn't today and take a picture of yourself wearing it! I have a facebook photo album started for this.

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Friday, April 23, 2010

Due Date

Dear Aidan,

Hi hunnie bunnie, yesterday was due date. That means you were supposed to be born now or up to late next week. It also means that since you were born early you would be getting ready to come home from the NICU.  I’ve been a wreck for the past couple of weeks and I wasn’t handling it very well.  I talked to daddy about everything and he reminded of what I’ve been saying all along, you were supposed to be born on February 1st and April 22nd is just a random date.  That thought, the prayers and you and God being there for me really made yesterday easier. I woke up and decided that I wanted to celebrate your short life and be happy again.  I was at my happiest when you were in my tummy and I know you felt that! Along with being scared and sad I was also very very happy when you were alive and I wanted that feeling again. 

I wanted to write this letter to you yesterday, but I had a friend come over after work and the next thing we knew it was 11pm. Way past your bedtime and mommy’s too! Aunt Michelle and Denise surprised me with a fruit basket. Well much more than a fruit basket, but that’s not the point.  They knew that yesterday was going to be hard for me.  It was great to sit and talk to Denise for a few hours. Even though daddy was kind of upset that I made him eat a late dinner. oops. We talked about you and I showed off a few of my pictures. Like I always tell people, I’m always happy when I’m talking about you.  You and her little boy Zander would have been great friends, but instead you get to watch over him as he grows up. 

Sunday we’re going to March for Babies in your name and I can’t wait for everyone that walks behind us to see your name.  Oh and sweetie can you work some magic to get the rain to stop from 9-12 Sunday morning? I miss you baby boy and I love you so much! I wish I could hold you again and cover you in kisses.

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

An emotion I'm not used to

I'm angry! I'm so cuss word, cuss word, cuss word, ANGRY! Not at my situation, but life in general.  People are saying stupid comments to me ie I know what labor pains are like. NO I EFFING DON'T! I never will either.  I'm trying to let myself feel this emotion and that makes me angry too.  I've never been one to be sad for days in a row and even after we lost Aidan I never was depressed for days on end. Yes I would have bad moments, but mostly good days.  Now I'm just one big ball of mean.  My co-worker told me what her pastor said about anger.  "You can be angry, just don't sin."  I'm keep reminding myself that making someone else feel bad won't make me feel better.  I know that I'm feeling this way because my due date is tomorrow and I've been told that the day before the due date is usually the worst because of the anticipation. I hope it's true because this sucks!

I love you Aidan Christopher and I'm so thankful that I had you here for 8 days.


Monday, April 19, 2010

Race for the Cure

A few months ago I posted how I was sad that I wouldn’t be able to walk with my dad this year because I would be 39 weeks pregnant.  Apparently I needed to be more specific and that I didn’t want to walk, because I would be 39 weeks pregnant, but I digress. I was nervous about the walk because of my lack of exercise the past 9 months. I was exercising when I was pregnant with Aidan, but not strenuously. My parent’s live on the canal and so we walk a mile there, do the 5k and then a mile back to their apartment. Needless to say I was exhausted and very sore.   We finished in an hour which was 6 minutes slower than last year. I’m very happy with our pace. After we passed the 2 mile mark my legs started to hurt pretty badly, they ended up going numb and I was able to finish the walk.  I did ask Aidan to help me with the last half mile and I did pick up the pace a little. Overall it was a nice “practice” walk to prepare for the March on Sunday.  I know that we’ll go slower for the March.

Emotionally I did okay during the walk.  When we were standing with our 40,000 closest friends I looked around and what did I see? I saw an itty bitty baby boy that was wrapped up in a paw print blanket. It was one of the same blankets that we registered for.  I just fell into my dad’s shoulder and started to cry. I also started to cry when we were walking next to Lucas Oil Stadium, where the Colts play. Aidan and I had such a good time at the Colts games, well I did when I would pat my tummy during the songs or cross both our hearts during the national anthem.

I assumed my legs would be sore after the walk, but I was very surprised that my incision was very sore. I know Dr. B told me last month that I would be sore, but I didn’t think it still would be now.  I’ve decided to look at it as one more reminder of having my little boy. So now with my lessons learned I’ll be prepared for next week when we walk in Aidan’s name.

I love you Aidan Christopher and thanks for helping me finish the walk!


Thursday, April 15, 2010


That doesn't even really express my true feelings.  Last week I challenged everyone to help Team Aidan Christopher raise $500 more for the March for Babies.  I set the goal for $ 3,000 and with 10 days until the March we are at $3,400. We have raised almost $1,000 in 7 days!!!

Thank you all so much. Because we have raised this much money, Team Aidan Christopher is the top team in Central Indiana above $1,000. We have been the top team for the past 3 weeks.  I love the fact that all team leaders who get the newsletter have seen my baby's name for 3 weeks in a row. They will also see us when we show up for the March with 17 walkers wearing Aidan's name!

I love you Aidan Christopher

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Aidan’s last day-Our final moments

I’m finally ready to finish this. Please have tissues with you.

IMG_2206 The view outside of Aidan’s room. Chris wanted to have a picture of the snow so we could remember what the day was like.

After we got done holding Aidan we had my parent’s leave the room. I forgot to mention that when I was holding Aidan, Dr. B came in to see us. She was crying with us and told us how beautiful he is. I asked Ingrid if I could do one more mouth care and she said that we could do one more round of our entire hands on time.  We changed his diaper, which had a good amount of pee in it, still not up to his old numbers.  I did his mouth care and it was so bitter sweet.  He barely opened his mouth at first, but then once I got the swab in his mouth he opened wider. I will never forget being able to give him that.  I read him Goodnight Moon and Chris read him a Valentines book. Ingrid and I got prints of his hands and feet.

IMG_2202  IMG_2205

The foot and hand that are a little smudged because of the IV and the machine that was wrapped around his foot. I love those feet!

We made our promises to Aidan and told him how much we love him and that we would never stop loving him. We held his hand, we held his head and we cried. Chris asked me if I was ready to have the dr come in. I didn’t want to answer him because I didn’t want to be the one to make the decision. I never wanted the dr to come in, but we had to do what was best for Aidan. I knew it was time so I cried and shook my head yes. 

We had been told that we would sit on the couch and they would bring him to us. I sat on the couch just crying and crying. I wanted so bad to scream STOP, WAIT, I’M NOT READY!!!! but I couldn’t. I mean I physically couldn’t talk. It was like I was just watching a movie, it didn’t feel real. I texted Michelle and said OMG, it’s time.  Ingrid then motioned for me to come sit in the rocking chair. I sat down and she handed me Aidan.  He started to open his eyes for the first time in a couple of days. I started to close his eyes, but instead had Chris take a picture of Aidan with his eyes open.  It felt like they were opened so wide, but looking at the pictures he barely had them open.  Aidan took a few breaths and then I felt him take his last breath.  I kept telling Aidan over and over how sorry I was and that I loved him so much.  Ingrid came over and told us that he was gone. We just cried and cried. I can’t believe my baby is gone. I kissed him and I just kept stroking him. His muscles did twitch a couple of times which took me by surprise. When he did that I hoped maybe it was a mistake and he was going to stay with us. Then I remembered what I’ve heard about chickens after their heads are cut off, that their bodies can still move. Yes, that’s what I thought about while I was holding Aidan. :-) I just wanted to sit in that recliner and hold Aidan forever.

My damn back was still killing me and so I had to get up so I gave Aidan to Chris to hold on the couch. When he was holding him I said “See Aidan that’s snow.” His blue hat was falling off and I kept trying to put it on him because I didn’t want his head to get cold.  I know, I know when you pass your body gets cold, but I was just trying to protect my baby. I got pictures of Chris holding Aidan and Joni, the grief counselor came in to get pictures for us.  I really appreciated all the pictures that Jodi was taking for us. We have pictures of us holding him, him holding our rings, his feet and hands. I also got to give him a facial to get the tape residue off. He has the softest blonde fuzzy cheeks and chin. I loved being able to give him a bath.  I changed his diaper again and then got him dressed.  I wanted to be touching him the whole time, but I hadn’t eaten all day and it was past 3 pm. I was about to pass out so Ingrid got me some food. We have pictures of me trying to put my hand back on him in between bites. Those pictures kind of creeped me out, but I’m so glad we have them. I couldn’t stop kissing Aidan and rubbing his head. I also kissed his hands and feet too. They were getting so cold. It’s amazing how fast a tiny body could get cold. I just kept saying how cold he was and that I wanted to warm him up.

Chris had already packed up all of Aidan’s belongings and Ingrid gave us almost everything out of the drawer under his crib. I wish we would have grabbed the Aquaphor and the thermometer. After Joni was done taking the pictures we knew it was time to go be with our families. It was getting close to 4:44, the time of his birth and we decided to be with our families at that time. Little did we know that down the hall, Uncle Adam told everyone that we would be out at 4:44. Ingrid had left the room, but I couldn’t leave Aidan by himself so we waited until she came back.  I very very very very reluctantly left my baby boy laying in the crib. We calmly walked down the hallway of the NICU holding hands. We knew that we had to walk through the doorway together and we wanted to be holding hands.  Chris went to his family to cry and I went to mine. I couldn’t cry though. I was numb and happy at the same time. I was happy that Aidan was with God, couldn’t be harmed by the bleed anymore and most importantly that he is and always will be my baby. I smiled as I looked at the pictures that I now call my security blanket pictures. Our Pastor, Dick was still there, and I’m so glad he was. I don’t know if he talked/helped our families, but I’m glad he was there in case they needed to talk to someone.  He talked about our next steps, but I was so numb that I didn’t even hear him.  Ingrid came out to give us a folder for grieving parents and to get the binder of funeral information. It dawned on me that I had no idea what time Aidan passed. She told us that he passed at 3:05pm.

Once we were done going over everything we all went our separate ways. I still can’t believe my baby is gone. I miss Aidan so much, but I’m so glad we had the 8 days. I can’t believe that we created such a perfect little boy and how handsome he is! Aidan is our first born, the little boy who stole our hearts in an instant, and the love of our lives!

I love you Aidan Christopher


It's like they can read my mind!

Chris and I went to visit Aidan on Saturday. We needed to pick up the dead flowers from Easter and well to visit.  I was saying to him that I wanted to get a pin wheel (is it spin wheel?) and some new flowers.  I haven't looked very hard for for pin wheel, but when we got to my in-laws for Sunday dinner they had two in their front yard. I meant to ask Nancy where she got them but forgot.  Anyway, I went to visit Aidan today on my lunch and there was a pin wheel and new flowers.  I started bawling. We're not very vocal with our emotions (with my in-laws) and so I have no idea how they are doing in their grieving process. Seeing something new at Aidan's grave every time we go out lets me know how much they think about him and how much they miss him. That's what made me cry.  I don't have to hear how much they loved him, I can see it when I visit him.

I love you Aidan Christopher and so do your grandparents!


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Blood work

Back on St. Patrick’s day I had 80 bazillion vials of blood drawn. Okay it was actually only 20, but that’s still a lot.  Dr. B wanted to check for everything under the sun to find out if anything was wrong with me to cause my cord to fail.  I got a call from Dr. B 2 weeks later with the results.  I don’t have any blood clotting disorders and almost everything came back normal. The autoimmune disease test came back positive.  I have an appointment with a rheumatologist on May 3rd to give more blood get more testing done.

Speaking of blood, I asked Dr. B when I can donated blood again. She told me I can donate in June and then not again because we’ll be actively trying to conceive again at some point. She said that she was almost in tears because I’m still trying to do things for others during all of this. I have to though, I want to give back for all the help,love and support that we got with Aidan. After we get done with the March for Babies I plan on figuring out how to organize a blood drive. Aidan was given blood and platelets so I want to help replenish the blood bank.

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Final autopsy report

Dr. B said that we didn’t learn anything new from it. Again, that wasn’t the point of getting the autopsy done. I wanted it done so the doctor’s could possible find a way to prevent the bleeding in the future. Dr. B used a big word that starts with an N that means that he had dead tissue in his brain.  I’m assuming that it means it died before he did because…well…wouldn’t it all be dead after he passed? Anyway, I was going to google that word so I could sound smart on here. The first search result came up as how to perform infant autopsy.  Chris made me put the lap top away because he knows me and I totally would have clicked on the link.  My mom knows what the word is so hopefully she’ll make a comment on here so I can edit the post. :-) Thanks Stephanie and mom. The word is Necrosis

ETA: I forgot that she did say that there were no abnormalities with his chromosomes.  She did then say that since Aidan is such a cutie that we know all of our babies will be cute. :-)

I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but I love Dr. B! She is huge in my support system and it’s rare to find that in a doctor. She checked on me and wanted to find out how I’m doing emotionally. I have to see a specialist because of one of my test results came back positive and Dr. B said that she’ll give me a call with the results to explain how it may affect future pregnancies.
I love you Aidan Christopher!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

A challenge

Right now we’re the # 1 team in Central Indiana for the March for Babies.  My first goal for the team was $1,000. We met that a few weeks into the fund-raising.  I set the next goal for $2,500 and we passed that this week.  We have 17 days left until the March and I would like to challenge everyone that reads the blog to help us raise $3,000. There is no prize as the end except to know that you are helping pre-mature babies.  No amount is too small and any amount is greatly appreciated. 

To donate click on the following link.

Thank you so much for helping other pre-mature babies and for helping me keep my son’s name alive.

I love you Aidan Christopher!



Monday, April 5, 2010

What happened-Aidan’s last day

I’m finally up for writing this. This one will be mostly pictures. I’ll continue the rest of the story on a different day. I can only emotionally handle so much.

I woke up around 8am on Tuesday and I called the NICU to check on Aidan. He made it through the night, but wasn’t doing so good. He went from wetting the bed and filling diapers to barely peeing at all. I told them that we would be there sometime in the morning.  It was Chris’s birthday and he is not a morning person so I let him sleep in a little bit.  I pumped before we left so that I wouldn’t have to take care of getting the milk to the bank. My mom had called our pastor to have him meet us at the hospital. We told him that we’d be there around 11, but like usual we were late. It didn’t help that we had another huge snow storm and the roads sucked. We got a big bag so we could take home all of Aidan’s things because I didn’t want to bring his items home in a clear patient bag. 

We got to the hospital around 11:30 and that was about the time my parent’s arrived. While Chris parked the card my mom and I went to the gift shop to buy Chris a Happy Birthday card from Aidan. We went upstairs and met Dick, our Pastor, in the lobby of the NICU.  Chris and I took Dick back to meet Aidan. He prayed for Aidan and he prayed for us.  I wasn’t sure about getting Aidan baptized so I asked Dick. He told us that it was up to us and that we couldn’t do anything “wrong.” We decided to have Aidan baptized so Dick got things set up.  I’m so glad we made that decision. IMG_2163 I was really glad that Dick could make it because I wanted him there to give us more strength, but we had never been through this before and we didn’t know what to do.  It was also great for him to be there for our families who were waiting in the lobby.  He stayed with us, in the room, while everyone said goodbye.

When we walked into the room we noticed a couple of scrap book pages sitting on the shelves. Natalie had made the pages for us and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to express how grateful I am for those pictures.  By this time both families were in the lobby ready to say their last goodbyes.

The nurses had the top of Aidan’s isolate up so that we could say our goodbyes easier by being able to see him and touch him. Even though I knew his time was short I was still very strict to make sure everyone used hand sanitizer and only touched him. We were told that rubbing hurt his skin. I did not want him in pain.IMG_2164 (Aunt Katie)

IMG_2166 (Momo, Aunt Katie and me)

IMG_2172 (Grandma Nancy and Uncle Adam)

I have a fantastic picture of Aidan with Uncle Adam, but it’s too close up to Aidan’s face and I’m still not comfortable posting that yet. Sorry.

 IMG_2174 (Grandpa Larry)

IMG_2176 (Frampa)

It was time for Chris and I to hold Aidan one last time. Since his parent’s were in the room with us the night before while we held him, I wanted mine in the room this time.


I’m so in love with that boy and having him in my arms was the perfect place for him.  I sleep with that quilt that my mom made every night. It touched my baby.


Not such a great family picture, but that doesn’t matter. It was our last family picture.


My back was hurting so bad and I couldn’t get readjust to get in a comfortable position so I had to let him go. I almost collapsed as I ran to my dad’s arms after the nurses had Aidan.

IMG_2184 My heart melts looking at my husband holding his son.


I’ll continue this later.

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter

Dear Aidan,

Hi baby boy. Today is Easter and you get to spend it with the star of the show! Mommy, daddy and momo are going to church today and we're going to celebrate Easter and we're going to celebrate YOU! I wish you were still in the NICU because I would have decorated your crib with eggs and bunnies. I would have told you all about Easter and we would have had lots of story time.  Momo made you an Easter basket and it's very cute. I told her that your favorite candy is Cadbury creme eggs.  I'm not sure why, but mommy has been eating a lot of those lately. After we get done with church we're going to come visit you. I'm glad that I have a place to go and visit you! I promise that we'll always come to visit.

I love you so much Aidan Christopher! Have a great Easter baby

Love you,