I’m finally ready to finish this. Please have tissues with you.
After we got done holding Aidan we had my parent’s leave the room. I forgot to mention that when I was holding Aidan, Dr. B came in to see us. She was crying with us and told us how beautiful he is. I asked Ingrid if I could do one more mouth care and she said that we could do one more round of our entire hands on time. We changed his diaper, which had a good amount of pee in it, still not up to his old numbers. I did his mouth care and it was so bitter sweet. He barely opened his mouth at first, but then once I got the swab in his mouth he opened wider. I will never forget being able to give him that. I read him Goodnight Moon and Chris read him a Valentines book. Ingrid and I got prints of his hands and feet.
The foot and hand that are a little smudged because of the IV and the machine that was wrapped around his foot. I love those feet!
We made our promises to Aidan and told him how much we love him and that we would never stop loving him. We held his hand, we held his head and we cried. Chris asked me if I was ready to have the dr come in. I didn’t want to answer him because I didn’t want to be the one to make the decision. I never wanted the dr to come in, but we had to do what was best for Aidan. I knew it was time so I cried and shook my head yes.
We had been told that we would sit on the couch and they would bring him to us. I sat on the couch just crying and crying. I wanted so bad to scream STOP, WAIT, I’M NOT READY!!!! but I couldn’t. I mean I physically couldn’t talk. It was like I was just watching a movie, it didn’t feel real. I texted Michelle and said OMG, it’s time. Ingrid then motioned for me to come sit in the rocking chair. I sat down and she handed me Aidan. He started to open his eyes for the first time in a couple of days. I started to close his eyes, but instead had Chris take a picture of Aidan with his eyes open. It felt like they were opened so wide, but looking at the pictures he barely had them open. Aidan took a few breaths and then I felt him take his last breath. I kept telling Aidan over and over how sorry I was and that I loved him so much. Ingrid came over and told us that he was gone. We just cried and cried. I can’t believe my baby is gone. I kissed him and I just kept stroking him. His muscles did twitch a couple of times which took me by surprise. When he did that I hoped maybe it was a mistake and he was going to stay with us. Then I remembered what I’ve heard about chickens after their heads are cut off, that their bodies can still move. Yes, that’s what I thought about while I was holding Aidan. :-) I just wanted to sit in that recliner and hold Aidan forever.
My damn back was still killing me and so I had to get up so I gave Aidan to Chris to hold on the couch. When he was holding him I said “See Aidan that’s snow.” His blue hat was falling off and I kept trying to put it on him because I didn’t want his head to get cold. I know, I know when you pass your body gets cold, but I was just trying to protect my baby. I got pictures of Chris holding Aidan and Joni, the grief counselor came in to get pictures for us. I really appreciated all the pictures that Jodi was taking for us. We have pictures of us holding him, him holding our rings, his feet and hands. I also got to give him a facial to get the tape residue off. He has the softest blonde fuzzy cheeks and chin. I loved being able to give him a bath. I changed his diaper again and then got him dressed. I wanted to be touching him the whole time, but I hadn’t eaten all day and it was past 3 pm. I was about to pass out so Ingrid got me some food. We have pictures of me trying to put my hand back on him in between bites. Those pictures kind of creeped me out, but I’m so glad we have them. I couldn’t stop kissing Aidan and rubbing his head. I also kissed his hands and feet too. They were getting so cold. It’s amazing how fast a tiny body could get cold. I just kept saying how cold he was and that I wanted to warm him up.
Chris had already packed up all of Aidan’s belongings and Ingrid gave us almost everything out of the drawer under his crib. I wish we would have grabbed the Aquaphor and the thermometer. After Joni was done taking the pictures we knew it was time to go be with our families. It was getting close to 4:44, the time of his birth and we decided to be with our families at that time. Little did we know that down the hall, Uncle Adam told everyone that we would be out at 4:44. Ingrid had left the room, but I couldn’t leave Aidan by himself so we waited until she came back. I very very very very reluctantly left my baby boy laying in the crib. We calmly walked down the hallway of the NICU holding hands. We knew that we had to walk through the doorway together and we wanted to be holding hands. Chris went to his family to cry and I went to mine. I couldn’t cry though. I was numb and happy at the same time. I was happy that Aidan was with God, couldn’t be harmed by the bleed anymore and most importantly that he is and always will be my baby. I smiled as I looked at the pictures that I now call my security blanket pictures. Our Pastor, Dick was still there, and I’m so glad he was. I don’t know if he talked/helped our families, but I’m glad he was there in case they needed to talk to someone. He talked about our next steps, but I was so numb that I didn’t even hear him. Ingrid came out to give us a folder for grieving parents and to get the binder of funeral information. It dawned on me that I had no idea what time Aidan passed. She told us that he passed at 3:05pm.
Once we were done going over everything we all went our separate ways. I still can’t believe my baby is gone. I miss Aidan so much, but I’m so glad we had the 8 days. I can’t believe that we created such a perfect little boy and how handsome he is! Aidan is our first born, the little boy who stole our hearts in an instant, and the love of our lives!
I love you Aidan Christopher