Monday, May 28, 2012

Month of May

 We met new friends (both mommies have been talking for a couple of years online after we both lost babies)

 We slept
 We had picnics at Qdoba
 We ate frozen custard
 I slept sitting up
 We went on lots of walk. Plenty of room for both
 We went swimming
 We ate (lots)
 He fell down on the driveway :-( I have another post on that coming up soon
 We went to a parade
 He fell asleep at the parade
 Swimming at momo and frampa's pool

 He looked cute
 He haunted grandma and grandpa's house
Snoop slept after a long day at momo and frampa's

We did a lot this month. The past couple of weekends I've sat down at the end of the day and just felt so happy. I love spending time outside (yes, you read that right) with Lucas and just watching him enjoy life.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander


Thursday, May 24, 2012


For the past 2 days I have been in training called RTS. It's "Resolve Through Sharing". It's a bereavement program to help families through a miscarriage, stillbirth, diagnosis, newborn loss and infant loss. I really enjoyed the second day as I had something to learn. The first day was all about what the families go through. Well I lived it so I felt that I could have taught the class. I didn't say much because I was there to learn and not to be the teacher. I did learn more about miscarriages since I don't have any experience with that. They had a parent panel and I wanted to run up and tell my story too. In the introduction I did mention Aidan and his story, but it was super quick. As most people know, I love any opportunity I get to tell his story.
Today was amazing though. I learned how to make mementos (Pinterest people, you'll be seeing my ideas soon) and that was interesting as a mom. Natalie really did put her heart into making Aidan's mold of his hand/foot prints. The pictures that she took were taken with love. The sign that Ingrid made since we didn't have his named picked out has so much more meaning to me. Rather than just seeing "baby boy lastname" she took the time to write out his name. I took the time this morning to send them a message that even 2 years later they are a huge part of my life and that they mean so much to me. Then they started going into the funeral planning and honestly...I barely remember that part. I remember sitting in the waiting room talking to Joni. Okay, I remember her talking and thankfully our parents were paying attention. I couldn't hear anything (and they discussed that the past 2 days) so I did learn about this part. They also went over (quickly) what happens after the parents go home. We know that someone is still taking care of our baby as we walk out the door, but we don't know what happens after that. It was really interesting.
I feel like I had an "Ah-ha" moment yesterday in this is what I want to do when I grow up. I want to help other loss families. For now it's going to be just a volunteer basis, but I would like for this to turn into something greater. What my plan is for right now is to help with NICU losses. That's what I know and that's what I'm "comfortable" with. I envision that what will really happen is that I'll be doing other types of losses too and that's okay. I have a very open mind about this. I'm extremely excited about this opportunity. I'm very excited that I'm being led this way in a way to honor Aidan. I'm doing this FOR him. I'm also doing this for Lucas. I want him to know about Aidan and to also see his mommy helping others.
I have a lot more to say about the training, but I'm going to save that until after I can talk to my coordinator.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander. I hope you boys are proud of your momma


Sunday, May 20, 2012

20 days

It's been 20 days since I've written on here.  I've decided to spend less time on the computer when I'm home and spend that time on the floor playing with Lucas. Speaking of the little monster, he just woke up. He is so much fun. He loves to run around and yell at the top of his lungs. We have a play pen set up and he'll just walk/almost run in circles. He is just so proud of himself with every new thing he does. Lucas goes to the dr on Tuesday for his 15 month check up. I can't believe little dude is 15m. How quickly the past 15m have gone by!

On Wednesday and Thursday I'm going to RTS training with my friend, Melissa. Her daughter, Colby, was born a few days before Aidan and passed away a couple of weeks after Aidan. She was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 when Melissa was around 12w pregnant with her. The RTS training is so that Melissa and I can start volunteering at our hospital. We will be able to bedside with parents during their difficult time of losing their baby. I'm planning on volunteering to help with NICU losses. If this is "my reason" for losing Aidan, I need to hold on tight as this is a sign from him. I know it's going to be hard, but I'm very excited for this.

I started weight watchers a few weeks ago. So far I'm down 5lbs and a few inches. I'm feeling amazing! I also started the couch 2 5k running program. I have a goal of running the Run4Everett 5k. I'm almost done with week 2 and I can already feel stronger in my running. I just want to be healthy for Lucas. I want to teach him to eat properly and exercise. I want to lead by example.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander


Tuesday, May 1, 2012


I went to the dentist yesterday. The last time I was there I was about 26w pregnant with Aidan. I got to the office and sitting in the waiting room I was fine. I actually hadn't prepared like I normal do. As in over think everything. He was running late and I was catching up on People magazine and I was finally called back. I sat in the chair and all of the memories rushed back. They wouldn't x-ray me because I was pregnant and so when she laid the protective sheet over me I just lost it. They were super supportive and kept telling me I was okay, rubbing my back and giving me tissues. Then the dentist walked in and was like why are you crying? I haven't even started working on you yet. That made me smile. They all asked for Aidan's story which I proudly told after the appointment and because my inlaws go there, they asked about Lucas.

I realized last night when I was thinking about writing this post that I'm not doing it to get sympathy, but to show other BLM's that while life has gotten easier my grief hasn't. I'm in a much better place now than I was 2 years ago, but I still hit milestones and I know that I will forever. I know this because I have chosen to not let Aidan's memory go silent.

Oh and after my appointment, I went an chopped off like 5-6 in of hair. I weighed myself this morning and I lost 1/2 lb from yesterday. That's a lot of hair.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!