I met with a grief counselor today and I'll be talking to her some more tomorrow. I had almost enough courses to get a minor in psychology so I know that none of this is my fault. The only problem is that I feel like I failed. Well I feel like my body failed. It wasn't able to make an umbilical cord that would supply Aidan with all the nutrients he needed. I wasn't able to protect him all the way up until he was full term. I feel like I failed Chris because I couldn't do this one job and to give him a healthy son. Same with failing his parent's for not being able to give them a healthy grandson. But logically I know that there is nothing that I did wrong.
I am grieving the loss of my pregnancy because it ended so fast. I'm sad that I won't be able to hit those milestones that I've been so looking forward to. I'm also grieving the fact that our future kids will all have to be repeat c-sections and I really wanted the opportunity to deliver vaginally. While I am mourning these things I'm also so lucky to be able to go to the next floor to see this amazingly handsome boy that Chris and I created. Yes he's bruised and tiny, but my God I never imagined that we would have such a cute boy. Speaking of God, I am extremely calm right now. I know that is because of all of you praying for Aidan and God carrying us through this difficult time. It's been a very long time since I've had this feeling and to know that he is there for us right now is making this a little easier.
I've been asking what I'm supposed to do now since I'll be going home on Thursday (probably) and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I've been told to eat, sleep, pump and relax. I can eat and pump, but I haven't mastered sleeping and relaxing. There is a good possibility that my milk will be coming in within the next couple of days because of all the pumping I'm doing. It's nice to see that one part of my body is working.
I have more that I want to write, but my meds are really screwing with my head so I'll post another update tomorrow. I haven't deleted a single e-mail that I've received the past day and a half because they are all so helpful. So once again, thank you from the bottom of our hearts that you are pouring so much love and faith towards our son. I know that I will never be able to repay you, but it is so very much appreciated!
Maggs
1 day postpartum and feeling super crazy due to the meds.
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I'm thinking of all of you and hoping that Aidan has a good night. I hope you can get some sleep tonight, but I know how difficult that is.
ReplyDeleteIt's perfectly okay to mourn the end of your pregnancy and everything else that's going on. I'm glad that you know that it's not your fault...even if it's only a part of you. You have done terrifically. Even if you can't sleep, try to just sort of let your body rest and hopefully it will help you relax a little. I hope that everything goes well tonight. We're thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your little man!
ReplyDeleteI cant imagine all the emotions you are experiencing! you and Aiden and chris are all in my prayers!!
ReplyDeleteKnow that your feelings are normal among preemie mothers - I'm glad that you are talking to a counselor and our family has been praying for little Aidan. Continued thoughts and prayers. Hang in there Mommy! Let me know if you need anything!
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong you and your son will come out wonderful.
ReplyDeleteLori Krabbe
Maggie, stay strong. I can't get you guys out of my mind and will be praying constantly for you.
ReplyDeleteCarrie P.
Maggie & Chris:
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you both, and you little precious boy. I will pray for him everyday, in hopes that he will recover quickly, and be able to go home with his mommy & daddy soon. I can only imagine what the two of you must be going through. I'm so sorry for the pain, and suffering that all three of you are going through. I hope that God will bless your family with the healing of Aidan to grow up healthy, and become that precious beautiful, amazing little boy that you both love so much. It is truely amazing to have been blessed with such a gift. My best of wishes for all of you going through these rough times. I will pray every day & night that this precious boy gets better soon! I wish that this would have never happend to such a blessed couple. I believe that Aidan is strong, especially when your near him, the sound, touch of both of you, and the power of your love for him will get you all through this. Anything that I can do to help please let me know. I know I don't know you to well Maggie, but I do work in the same company as you, and I'm sure that we have met a few times or more. I wish only the best for your family, and your precious little boy. I really hope you all get to go home soon. So, you can all enjoy the miracle of this beautiful baby boy, that you both created into this life. Congradulations to all of you! Welcome to Motherhood Maggie & Fatherhood Chris. There is nothing else like it. I have two kids of my own, and they are my two little miracles. It's amazing how children can change you, and your life in heartbeat. it's amazing how two people can bring into this world another life with the power of their love. Keep your faith, and don't lose hope! Lean on one another for support, and remember all the people who are praying for you, and love you. We all are hoping and praying for a fast recovery for your son Aidan. Maggie, Chris, and Aidan, you are all in my thoughts, and prayers, along with your family, and friends too! Keep the faith!
WHEATON WORLD WIDE MOVING
Donna Gilstrap
Safety Compliance Auditor
Maggie,
ReplyDeleteLots of love and prayers are going your way. Be strong and keep faith in God he is at your side and will always be there. I am sending a special prayer for angels to be with Aidan throught his fight.
Luann
Everyone here at work loves you and is praying for you and your family and for our little Eggplant!!! ( this is the vegetable that Maggies updates described his size to before he joined us ) He is a miracle already in his wiggling and opening his little eyes...He is determined like his parents!!!
ReplyDeleteDonna D
Maggie & Chris - totally praying for you and so is my family. Just wanted to give you a brief bit of hope: just because your first delivery was a c-section does NOT mean you have to do it from then on. Unless there are complications, you have every possibility of having a normal vaginal delivery next time around.
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait to be able to come visit you and your wonderful son! (love the spelling, BTW). And yes, you feel free to call me whenever you need a hand or a friend to help or listen. I'll be there!
Laura Adams
I heard about your story through the Preemie board on thebump and wanted to let you know that I'm praying for your family. As a preemie mom myself I can tell you that I felt very similarly in terms of letting everyone down. Focus on the things you can do for your little sweetheart (like pumping and spending time at his side) and know that God will carry you through this. ::hugs::
ReplyDelete