Too fast?

I had a friend say to me today that she's impressed with my strength and how well I'm doing even though it's only been 3 weeks since Aidan passed. So that made me wonder.... Am I grieving too quickly?  I miss Aidan more than I can ever express, but that won't bring him back. When I'm feeling down and crying I get this feeling that everything will be okay and that it's normal to be sad. I also feel like someone has their arms wrapped around me. We went out with friends last night and we got to laughing so hard that we all were crying. At one point I almost started crying because I was having so much fun and I thought maybe I shouldn't be. But, that's not me. I love to have a good time and I love to laugh. Besides talking, Aidan heard me laugh more than anything else. While we were in his NICU room doing his hands on care we were constantly laughing. Even on his last day I was laughing while talking to him. Mostly because we were having such a difficult time changing his diaper. :-)

Basically I just want people reading this to know that even though I seem like regular Maggie, I'm not. I know that this is normal and no one is expecting Chris or I to "get over it" by a certain time. I am weak, but I have such an amazing support system that gives me the strength I need to take the next step.

We went to visit Aidan today. We made sure to say hi to Kern, the old guy who's next to Aidan.  I told Aidan that if he gets bored to go hang out with his uncles and all of the other angel babies. I like to vision him up there playing with everyone and then snuggling up with his great grandparents. It's thoughts like that, that make me smile.   

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

Sometimes I feel alone

I feel like no one really knows what I'm going through. No one knows this kind of pain, but then I'm reminded of my new friends that I've met because of Aidan's passing.  They've gone through similar losses and are still waiting for answers. I also have my parents who lost twin boys when my mom was 6 months pregnant. We didn't talk much about Matthew or Francis (he is a jr so I'm not going to post my dad's full name) growing up. They are my sister's younger brothers and my older brothers.  Even though I don't know them, I talk to them regularly and ask them to take good care of their nephew.

I know that all of us will be okay and one day soon we'll have our healthy babies in our arms. Love you : Mom, Jillian's mommy, Mary's mommy, Katie's mommy, Olivia's mommy, Hudson's mommy, Nolan's mommy, Lilah's mommy and all the mom's to angel babies.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

Got a call from Dr. B

Dr. B called Dr H. (The NICU pediatrician) and the preliminary autopsy came back.  Once again we got no new information. The bleed and the "profound" anemia are what caused Aidan to pass, which we already knew. If Dr. B gets anymore information before our next appointment on the 16th she'll give me a call.

It sucks that we're getting the answer of it was a fluke or just happened because that doesn't give us a plan for the next pregnancy.... I can't pop a pill to keep the blood flowing in my cord. I'm just so terrified to try again, but my desire to be a mom and to have a baby very much outweighs that fear. Plus I have my little man watching over me.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

I got some results back

Nothing from my dr, but I did find out yesterday that my blood work all came back negative for donating my breast milk. I went to the milk bank today to donate about 54 more oz and while I was there they gave me a tour. They showed me where they pasteurize the milk and she told me the supply that I dropped off last week and what they picked up from the hospital was in the process of being pasteurized.  It was really neat to see it and it made me happy to be doing this in Aidan's memory. She let me know that my milk will be going to premature babies to help them grow strong.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I'm so happy to be helping other babies in your name

Maggs

First day driving

I'm going to lunch today with my co-worker, Donna. Of course it's snowing today and it's my first time driving in a month. I've always loved the snow and I love it a lot more because it snowed a lot during Aidan's short life. I'm nervous to see everyone because I know I will cry, but I want to get the awkwardness out of the way before I go back for a full day. As long as I have my two pictures that Natalie took of Aidan for us I'll be ok. Yes, those pictures are my security blanket. I have them on my phone as well in case I can't take the actual pictures with me. 

I can tell that I'm starting to get better. I actually asked my mom if we can go to Michaels, I want to pick up a memory box. I don't know if I'm ready to take the diaper and goggles out of my purse, but when I am I want to have a place to protect them and show them off. I also need to pick something up to protect the impressions of Aidan's hands and feet. Oh and I'm also excited that the 3 plants that we got are still alive! Woo hoo. Normally plants and flowers die the day after I get my hands on them.

Yesterday my mom and I went to Steak n Shake and talked. We were there for about an hour and a half. I cried while telling some stories, but we laughed a lot. We laughed about Aidan raising his hand when Dr. B made the first incision and the fact that the nurses had to "tie" him down because he would wiggle so much. It was really nice. I also talked to my best friend, which is normal because I talk to her every day, but she kept reminding me that I didn't do anything to cause the cord to fail. I already know, but it's nice when a nurse reminds you.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

Home from the Dr

I was absolutely terrified as we got closer to the hospital.  It felt like a big scary building that was going to eat us up. Yes I watch far too much Cartoon Network. When I told Chris that he said hun, it's the place where we got to meet and get to know Aidan for 8 great days. Yeah....I love that guy! We passed Dr. O'Donnell's office, Aidan's neurologist. Part of me wanted to stop by and say hi, but we had things to do people to see. I was afraid that there was going to be a bazillion happy glowing pregnant woman in the waiting room, but there was only one other couple there. I think she was newly pregnant, she just had that look.

Dr B told us that all of my tests have come back negative. Which is good, but I wish we had answers as to why this happened. I go back in 3 weeks for my 6 weeks postpartum and I will get an u/s to make sure everything is healed. We'll also discuss what our steps will be in our next pregnancy and I'll get more blood tests. Hormones can alter the results, so why did I get stabbed in the arm 80 bazillion times while I was in the hospital? She still doesn't have the results of the autopsy, but she's going to call Dr. H, Aidan's dr, to talk to him and see if he has any results. She told us that we can start trying to conceive again in 6 months. She did tell me when I can go back to work, but I need to talk to my boss and HR before posting that on here.

She cried with us and is impressed with our attitudes and strength. When we started talking about the next pregnancy she said that it will probably be scary and I just said we have Aidan as our guardian angel this time. We also stopped at the NICU and I got to see Amber, the nurse that we had the day we found out that Aidan wasn't going to make it. While she was Aidan's nurse, she took care of me too. It was really nice to see her!

We also went and ordered Aidan's grave marker. We got Our Baby Aidan Christopher lastname Feb 1, 2010- Feb 9, 2010. There is an emblem of "In God's Hands" We went to put the temporary marker down and saw that my in-laws had been there. His mom got the book Goodnight Moon and covered Moon with Aidan. They love us so much and most importantly they love their grandson.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

Hope to get some answers today

I have a follow up appointment today to make sure I'm healing okay. I hope that we can get some answers and find out what our next steps are.  I'm terrified that we'll be told that we have to wait a year before we can start trying again. I'm also hoping that this week I'll find out if all the milk I've pumped can be used at the milk bank. Once we finish up with the dr we're going to the NICU to drop off all the disposable cameras that Michelle got and a couple nicu approved outfits.  I have a few preemie outfits, but I'm not ready to donate those. I think I'll donate those around my due date. After we get done with that we're going to the cemetery to see Aidan, pay the bill and pick out the grave maker.  I really can't believe my life is right now involves picking out a grave marker for my son. It was supposed to be washing all the clothes I got at my shower yesterday and putting everything together.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

I've been awarded

Thanks KC, of course! I would love to have a little "speech" for this, but she knows how much it means to me.

The rules:
1. Put the logo in your post or within your blog.
2. Pass the award onto 12 fellow bloggers.
3. Link the nominees within your post.
4. Let the nominees know they have received this award by leaving a comment on their blogs.
5. Share the love and link to the person who gave you the award!

My 12 nominees are:
1. Molly
2. Betsy
3. Jennifer
4. Michelle
5. Wrensmommy
6. Sandy
7. Bio
8. Crystal(Dragonspice)
9. Elaine
10. Erica
11. Ashley
12. All the anonymous people on here. You've all have given me strength when I'm feeling weak, courage, support and love for family.

not a good night

Aidan was a nice inside baby when it came to sleeping. I rarely had to get up in the middle of the night, but when I did it was always at 4:30. This morning I woke up from a nightmare rolled over and saw that it was 4:30. I couldn't go back to sleep because I kept replaying the dream over and over. I finally went back to sleep around 6:30 and I had more nightmares. They all involved different ways that I lost Aidan. I decided that I just needed to get up because I couldn't stop crying. I hate that during the day I'm fine, really I'm fine. Yes I have my bad moments, but it's just normal mourning. Yet at night I can have nightmares. I don't have them every night, but when I do they are nasty.

Thankfully I have Aidan's pictures to look to put me in a better mood. Speaking of pictures, I hope to be able to post Aidan's pictures on here. He's so handsome and I want to show him off, but it scares me. I know that it's all in my head, but I promise one day I'll be comfortable with sharing his pictures.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

A post about me

I love to talk. I get in trouble for it at work all the time and in school my report cards always said "Good student, but talks too much." I can talk your ear off about Aidan and trust me I plan to. :-) So why is it when people ask how I'm doing I clam up and just say fine? It's kind of like pregnancy, people know that that it's rough and they don't really want to hear all the horror stories so we give the response fine. Granted I had a wonderful pregnancy and didn't have any horror stories I still usually responded with fine.

I decided to be honest on here. If you don't want to know then don't read on. I'm not going to know. When I'm sad, I'm really really sad. Like almost to the point of depression. I get sad when I think about the things we won't have with Aidan. I got sad yesterday seeing a picture of a friend who gave birth yesterday. Seeing her baby made me so happy, but she gave birth at the same hospital that I did and seeing the maternity room made me so sad. Again I'm super excited and happy for my friend! Thankfully I don't have those moments very often and when I do they only last for at most 10-20 minutes. I'd say 80% of the time I'm in a normal mood. Not happy, but not sad. When I'm happy, I'm usually talking about Aidan, and I'm really happy. I could sit and stare at his pictures all the time. I love that handsome little boy so much. So when you ask how I am, I will probably answer with fine or okay because it changes all the time. If I'm bad I probably won't talk or let you know that I'm not doing so well and it's not a good time for me.

When we found out about the bleed I shut down. I wanted to stop pumping because I didn't want my milk to come in. Then we got 5 more days and I pumped every day and became the "wet nurse" of the floor. No I didn't nurse any other babies, but I had plenty of milk to go around. When we found out that Aidan wasn't going to make it the lactation consultant told me about a milk bank where I could donate all the bottles I had already made as well as the milk from me weaning my supply down. I wanted to wean right away, like that night and be totally finished with pumping. I'm still pumping so I can donate and because stopping right away could have caused me to get sick. I'm a freak, but I love pumping. I love knowing that because of Aidan I can help other babies. At first I would cry every time because I was supposed to be doing it for Aidan. Very bittersweet.

My incision is healing nicely, but my stomach is still so sore. It's not painful, but sore. I'm going to the dr on Monday afternoon to make sure everything is healing correctly. Hopefully we'll get an answer as to why my cord failed. We'll also discuss when we can start trying again and what my next pregnancy will be like appointment wise. I'm going to answer the question that everyone has been asking or afraid to ask. The dr is going to tell us when we can medically start trying again and then we're going to decide when we are both emotionally ready to try again. My mother instinct is 80 bazillion times worse than baby fever so if it was up to me we'd start right away, but it's not about me. We have to do what's right for us.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

Had to take off the hospital bracelet

I told Chris that I wanted to wear the bracelet forever. It's been cracking and finally yesterday it started to scratch my wrist. I had Chris cut it off and I cried, a lot. I asked him if he wanted me to cut his off and he said nope, it's not bothering me. That made me cry even more and I want it back on so bad. Thankfully some of my friends got the frame that I had registered for. It has a spot for the hospital bracelet and I put mine in there. Thanks MaCers I love you!

Today my mom and I are going to get a memory book for Aidan. I have lots of stuff laying around the house that we were given that I want to keep forever. I'm going to do a memory box for his bigger items like the hospital blankets, but I want a book for his little things. A friend found a nice one online for me and if I don't find any other ones today I'll buy that one.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

Egg shells

Yes I am still grieving and missing Aidan more and more each day, but I am getting better every day. I've said it before that I'm afraid people are going to forget Aidan. I know that my close friends and family never will, but I think my fear stems from the fact that everyone has gone back to the real world while I'm stuck here recovering. I love talking about Aidan and I'm very open to answering any questions about everything that happened.

I just feel like people are walking on egg shells around me and I'm writing this post to let everyone know that you don't have to. If I get uncomfortable I'll let you know, but really I haven't. Sometimes I will start to cry, but please don't let that stop you for talking to me.

I just wanted to put this out there so no one feels uncomfortable around me or Chris.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

It's been a week

It's been a week since we said goodbye to our sweet Aidan Christopher. I can't believe it's already been a week and I also can't believe it's only been a week.

Aidan,

Hey buddy, it's mommy. Yes I'm still talking to you and about you. I warned you that I'm like this. I miss you more and more each day. More importantly I love you more and more each day. I've met a lot of wonderful people because of you and they've all reminded me to be thankful for the 8 amazing days that I had with you. Daddy and I tell our stories about you to each other every night. I smile when I think about daddy changing your diaper. It was so difficult with those wires, but he did a great job. I also smile thinking about massage time. Watching you stretch out your toes as you enjoyed your massage let me know that you are my son. I love having my feet rubbed too. I caught myself the other night singing yummy yummy yummy you've got mommy in your tummy as I was pumping and it made me sad and happy all at the same time. I loved doing your mouth care time because that was my way of helping you. You always opened wide and moved your tongue around like it was the tastiest thing. I have not tried it so I'm going to trust you and your actions of liking it.

I miss you Aidan, but mommy and daddy are getting stronger each day. While we'd rather have you here, we can't wait to see each and every day the adventure that you'll take us on.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Mommy

Throat punch

Yesterday we went to lunch with our best friend's from OH. We went to Red Robin and for once Chris and I got there a little early. That's a huge shock for us. :-) When we got there the hostess asked how we were. I thought eh, she doesn't want to know how I'm really feeling so I went with the generic fine. I didn't look up just followed her to the table and hoped that she would leave it at that. Here's what ended up happening

Hostess: So are you guys doing anything fun for Valentines Day?
Me: (still not looking up to make eye contact) Nope
Hostess: Oh why not? It's such a romantic day!
Me: nope not doing anything
Hostess: Well that's sad, you should do something fun.

I'm very proud of myself for just walking to the table, but I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "LOOK LADY MY SON JUST PASSED AWAY, I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO THINK ABOUT THEN THIS STUPID HALLMARK HOLIDAY!" I also wanted to throat punch her, but instead I just sat down, grabbed my phone and prayed that she walked away soon. Chris was very proud of me for the way I handled that. It was hard to see the 80 bazillon babies at the restaurant, but it was nice to get out.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I miss you more and more each day!

Maggs

The services

I'll start with Friday's burial service. My in-laws picked us up and I was fine during the car ride to the cemetery. When we started getting closer I could feel the tears starting. Then I saw the tent that was up and I lost it. I've always hated seeing the tents because I knew someone was being buried and when I saw it up for Aidan it was 10 times worse.

There were 4 chairs sitting in front of his little casket. Chris and I were lead to the chairs before the rest of the family so that we could have some alone time. I once again started talking to Aidan like it was the most normal thing to do. For me it is though, I talk to him every morning and every night. It feels right to me and that's what important. The funeral director said that he normally doesn't do it, but offered to let us put two roses in Aidan's casket. We accepted and I held my breath while he opened the casket. I was sure that seeing Aidan in the hospital would be the last time I saw him so I was nervous. When it was open and I saw my little boy it put a smile on my face. He was wearing a very sweet elephant outfit and wrapped up in a blanket.

The service was about 10 minutes long and after wards we went to my in-laws because I didn't want to be alone.

Saturday's service was hard for me. I've kept myself pretty secluded since we found out the severity of the bleed in Aidan's head. I kept people out of the hospital and I haven't seen people since Aidan was 2 days old. I also haven't shown very many pictures of Aidan and I had a few there and it made me nervous. There were so many people there to support us and it was amazing. Most of those people were there because they love us, but most importantly they all love Aidan even though they didn't get to meet him. Aidan really did touch many lives and helped rebuild bridges to a few relationships. Our best friends from Ohio came and of course they brought their 4 month old, Bryson. Seeing Bryson helped me so much and while it was bitter sweet to meet him this way I'm so happy that they could come.

The service lasted about 30 minutes and was perfect. Aidan's name was said a bunch and that makes me so happy. After the service a small group of us went to the cemetery and then to my in-laws. It was really nice to spend that time with friends and family. After everyone left I was talking to Chris and his parents and I told them that since the services are over that I'm afraid people are going to forget Aidan. I was reminded that I talk about him all the time and that will prevent people from forgetting about him. Chris also reminded me that all of my plans for donations, volunteering and fundraisers for the March of Dimes in Aidan's name will make sure the his name is said forever.

Thank you to all of our friends and family for all of your support. We still need it and I know that we will get it unconditionally. We love you so much for that!

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

Today we say our final goodbye

Aidan,

Today we say our final goodbye. I love you sweet sweet baby boy. I know that you will be at the church with us because you are in mommy and daddy every moment. I look at your daddy and I see you. Please know that when I cry it's because I miss you every second of every day. I couldn't be more proud to have you as my son.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Mommy

My in-laws

I started this post to talk about how the service went today, but it went in this direction instead. I'll post about the service later.

I would be lost without them. They stayed with us most days in the hospital and just sat with us. When I was feeling guilty for my cord failing Aidan they comforted me and told me it wasn't my fault. Of course they were there at the end and got to say goodbye to their beautiful grandson. After Aidan passed I curled up and didn't know what to do. They made phone calls to the funeral home and just helped us so much. I knew that they loved me when I became a part of the family, but the past two weeks they have made it very well known. They bought a beautiful flower arrangement to put on his itty bitty casket and I'm so happy they did because I wouldn't have thought about it.

After the service I didn't want to go home and be alone. I wouldn't have been alone because I have Chris, but I didn't want to think. They invited us over to their house to have pizza and just be together. What was really nice is that Nancy's sister, Kathy, flew in from Florida to be here for us. I hadn't met her before and while I wish we didn't meet in these circumstances it still really helps that she came. So I got to know her a little bit and I got to introduce her to Aidan. She could tell that I was getting ready to have a breakdown she came over and asked me to tell her stories about Aidan. It helped me so much.

I'm so happy to be a part of this family and I'm so happy that Aidan was a part of this amazing family too. I'm glad that he got to know their love for 8 days and I'm glad that they got to know him too.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

I know that I've asked for a lot already

Tomorrow at 3pm we will be burying Aidan with a small graveside service. On Saturday at 3pm we will be having a memorial service at our church for family and close friends. We had to do it this way due to the funeral home not having any directors that would be available to be at the church with the casket. We need lots of prayers the next two days to help us cope.

Thank you

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

Slowly

I'm slowly changing the look of the blog. I need to find out a new name for it, but nothing is coming to me. I know that Aidan will help me pick the right title.

I also wanted to say something that I've said so many times the past week. Thank you, thank you for the love, thank you for the support and thank you for loving Aidan. I know most of you never got to meet my handsome little boy, but that didn't matter. You still loved him and I appreciate that so much.

I'm having a very good night tonight because I've spent so much time tonight talking about my favorite subject, Aidan. I love talking about him and I can't wait for the day when I have a few bad moments, but a lot of great hours of the day. I know that talking about Aidan will help that.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

numb/lost

I'm so numb right now. I miss Aidan so much, but I know he's in a better place. I feel like I'm going through all the grieving stages every five minutes. I'm bawling my eyes out, then pissed off and then happy knowing that Aidan is in a place where nothing can hurt him.

I just don't know what to do next. All I want to do is sleep and cry, but that won't help. Chris and I recall all our happy moments with him and smile. We laugh when we think about how Aidan would wiggle around and kick his feet out from the blankets. We laugh harder when we think about Aidan peeing on us during our diaper changes. It's those memories that help me get out of bed. It's also knowing that we have to take care of Aidan's brother, Snoopy. Snoop knows that something is wrong and he's been very good at giving kisses and snuggling lots with us.

Eating right now is difficult for me and we all know how much I love food. It takes me awhile to finish my food because I get lost in thoughts. I'm 1.8 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. It's weird to think that it took me 28 weeks to gain 15 lbs and a week and a half to lose it.

I know that Chris and I will be fine and we'll get through this together. I know that we will have a stronger relationship and stronger marriage because of Aidan.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

RIP Aidan Christopher

Aidan you were the most amazing son we could have asked for. You fought so hard for us and we love you so much for that. We had the most amazing 8 days with you and we will never forget them! We got to change your diaper, give you massages, hold you skin to skin, hold you in our arms. To be able to hold you and your kiss your head since it was protected by the hat was the most amazing thing ever. Being able to do your mouth care treatments was 2nd best. The way you moved your tongue around right before I put the milk in there was so sweet. You'd open up real wide, well as wide as you could so you could get every last drop. I would hold your hand with my other hand and you would squeeze as tight as you could. Daddy and I both cherish those moments with you. While we wanted so many more moments we know how tired you were. You weren't as wiggly as you had been for so long. You didn't open your eyes with the mask off and we knew the damage from the bleed was too severe.

We promise to keep all those promises that we made to you. We promise to be happy again some day, we promise to read you Goodnight Moon every night. We promise to give you brothers and sisters to watch over and protect. We promise to never forget about you and we promise to live our lives so that we will see you again.

Aidan you were our little fighter and we're so proud of you! You made us parents and you made us better people in your 8 short days.

RIP Aidan Christopher- Feb 1st 4:44pm to Feb 9th 3:05pm.

I love you Aidan you are forever in our hearts and minds!

Maggs

PS. Instead of sending any flowers, please make a donation to the March of Dimes in Aidan's name. Flowers will die, but that donation will help other preemies.

Nervous

Chris is going back to work tomorrow. My mom is staying with us for the week so I have a ride to see Aidan whenever I want, but I'm still nervous. I've always known that Chris is my rock, but since Aidan's birth I've missed Chris when he's gone upstairs to work on the computer or other silly times. I have to try to not bug him too much since he will have a lot of work to catch up on. Plus we'll be hanging out with Aidan from noon until about 5. Then we'll come home and then Chris and I will be going back for our bedtime hands on time.

After this week I've learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought so I know that I'll be ok when he's at work. As long as he remembers my code text that means I need to talk to him right away I'll be fine.

Aidan had another good day today and tomorrow he'll be a week old.

Maggs

A first

I realize that every day we have a ton of firsts, but last night we had a huge first! Aidan had tummy time, meaning that they placed him on his tummy for awhile. I'm not sure how long it was, but the nurse said he handled it really well. He is still very close to breathing room air and they were able to turn the numbers down a little bit on his ventilator. His jaundice also went from 13.3 yesterday down to 10 something. Which is great and that means that they were able to take the bili lights and just have a bili blanket on him. These are great steps in the right direction and while I know that we are going to have set backs I'm very grateful for these steps.

We may see the neurologist tomorrow or she may just pop in to check on him. His head is still measuring the same which makes them believe there is no more bleeding. They just don't know what the pool of blood is doing in there now. His chest x-rays are looking good and the RT's are very pleased with how they look.

We still need all the prayers that you can give to us. Our little man is fighting and we know that with all of your prayers and help from God that we are able to have this time with him.

Lots of love
Maggs

Small update

Well actually there isn't an update. Which is great! Aidan is still critically stable and fighting very very hard for his life. His levels are all staying about the same with minor fluctuations. I've changed a few diapers and I almost got peed on today. I opened up the diaper right at the end of a pee. I'm getting better at it and when he gets home I'll be a pro since I won't have wires to worry about. The nurses have been fantastic in helping me make all of these wonderful memories. Chris hasn't changed a diaper yet, but I think that will be coming soon. He has though, been putting lotion on Aidan and tonight he got to wipe down his eyes and nose.

This afternoon when we were doing hands on time they took off Aidan's awesome shades (I wrote Go Colts on them!) he was looking around. His eyes can't focus, but he would look in the direction of either Chris or I talking. We are so proud of him for being such a fighter! If he doesn't like something that the nurses are doing he lets them know! He is still active even though he is on a constant drip of pain medicine. The medicine is more to sedate him than him being in pain. Since he does wiggle so much they want him sedated to be able to relax and fight.

Ok well I meant for this to be small because I have to go to sleep, but it's hard for me to stop once I start talking about my little man. My mom and I are staying at a hotel tonight right across from the hospital because I couldn't go home. I didn't want to risk getting stranded at home if he needed me. My room faces the hospital which is what I saw when I would look out the windows going to visit Aidan. I miss him so much and I can't wait for tomorrow when I go back and snuggle on him again.

Everyone keeps asking if I need anything and honestly we need the prayers to continue. We can buy anything that we should need, but we can't buy prayers.

Thank you again for all the love and support!!!

Maggs

What a roller coaster day

Aidan had his CT scan this morning. The bleed is still there and they decided that there isn't really anything they can do. He's too young and too small to be able to handle surgery. We were told to wait to speak to the neurologist about the test to get more information. The head guy of the NICU tried to explain the pictures and told us that he is very sick and may not make it. Well that crushed my world. I know that there is that possibility, but hearing him say that made it seem like it would be today. I shut down and just cried non stop. I couldn't function and it hurt to breathe. I decided to stop pumping because I didn't want to deal with having my milk come in and having no one to give it to. I honestly thought I only had hours left with Aidan and all I could do was cry.

I decided that I needed to go be with him because he is so active and I want to see him like that all the time. The neurologist met us up there and brought back the hope. She is pleased with his lack of change because that means he's not taking steps back. He has had a few steps back, but everything they do to correct it he's accepting it. She said that we are taking it day by day and that the next 4 days are critical. So much better than the hours that I had in my head. While I know it could be hours it was nice to hear days.

I went from 98% hope to zero and now I'm at a more realistic area of about 60%. I know that's still probably too high, but I have to have that for my son. I'm not giving up on him and I will continue to fight with him. I'm back to pumping because it's what he needs and I have to do this for him.

Thank you for all the prayers and please continue them. I really feel God's presence right now and we are holding on to that very tightly.

Maggs

Update on mommy

I met with a grief counselor today and I'll be talking to her some more tomorrow. I had almost enough courses to get a minor in psychology so I know that none of this is my fault. The only problem is that I feel like I failed. Well I feel like my body failed. It wasn't able to make an umbilical cord that would supply Aidan with all the nutrients he needed. I wasn't able to protect him all the way up until he was full term. I feel like I failed Chris because I couldn't do this one job and to give him a healthy son. Same with failing his parent's for not being able to give them a healthy grandson. But logically I know that there is nothing that I did wrong.

I am grieving the loss of my pregnancy because it ended so fast. I'm sad that I won't be able to hit those milestones that I've been so looking forward to. I'm also grieving the fact that our future kids will all have to be repeat c-sections and I really wanted the opportunity to deliver vaginally. While I am mourning these things I'm also so lucky to be able to go to the next floor to see this amazingly handsome boy that Chris and I created. Yes he's bruised and tiny, but my God I never imagined that we would have such a cute boy. Speaking of God, I am extremely calm right now. I know that is because of all of you praying for Aidan and God carrying us through this difficult time. It's been a very long time since I've had this feeling and to know that he is there for us right now is making this a little easier.

I've been asking what I'm supposed to do now since I'll be going home on Thursday (probably) and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I've been told to eat, sleep, pump and relax. I can eat and pump, but I haven't mastered sleeping and relaxing. There is a good possibility that my milk will be coming in within the next couple of days because of all the pumping I'm doing. It's nice to see that one part of my body is working.

I have more that I want to write, but my meds are really screwing with my head so I'll post another update tomorrow. I haven't deleted a single e-mail that I've received the past day and a half because they are all so helpful. So once again, thank you from the bottom of our hearts that you are pouring so much love and faith towards our son. I know that I will never be able to repay you, but it is so very much appreciated!

Maggs
1 day postpartum and feeling super crazy due to the meds.

Update on Aidan

First of all I don't remember if I explained the spelling of his name in my first post. I was all set to spell it Aiden, but Chris said no I want it spelled Aidan because that is the Gaelic spelling and that was just too cute to listen to him say.

I spent a lot of time with Aid up in the NICU. He has some blood clotting issues and some other things. They have given him a few blood transfusion to replace the blood that they are taking out for getting samples. They are also giving him platelets and honestly I have no idea why.

They are very very impressed with his activity because he's constantly moving his arms or kicking his legs. This morning I got to see him open his eyes for the first time and they are the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. I have no idea what color they are, but they are amazing. We also got to see his peach fuzz hair, but have no idea what color it is. He is very bruised from delivery and the light therapy that he's getting make it nearly impossible to tell the color. All I know is that he is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. He knows my voice and my touch because his numbers improve a lot when he's holding my fingers. He also starts to kick more when he hears daddy's voice.

Now onto the problem. It's a good thing I have to type it and not say it because you would have no idea what I'm mumbling. Aidan has a significant pool of blood on the left side of his brain that is pushing some tissue to the right side of the brain. Tonight's goal is to make it to the next hour and then tomorrow morning they will take a CT Scan to know the full extent of it and what their course of action will be. We have the head of the NICU on our case and one of the best neonatal neurosurgeons working on Aidan. They can't even try to figure out how severe this is due to his amazing movement. Chris and I haven't really stopped crying since we had the meeting to discuss this and thankfully they allowed our parents to be in the room. The good news is that the pool looked to be the same size this afternoon as it was this morning so it isn't getting larger.

I'm sooooo blown away by the amount of love and support that we've received the past day and a half. We have more people praying for our little guy than I could ever imagine. If you don't mind, could you spare a few more prayers for him for the next 24 hours. Tonight is a very critical one and we need all the prayers we can get. Shortly we'll be making our way upstairs for bed time story.

Maggs
1 day postpartum

More on me in the next post, but I wanted to get all of his information written down before my pain meds make me forget again.

He's here! Please pray a lot for him

Aidan Christopher H was born at 4:44 pm on 2/1/10. He weighs 2 lbs and is 13 in long. I'm not comfortable putting his picture on the internet though.

Talk about interesting day! Chris and I got to my 8:30 appointment right on time (for once) I had an u/s since he didn't want to cooperate at the 20 week appointment. She said that he measured small, about 26 weeks, and that my dr would check everything out.  Dr. B was concered and had me stay to be monitored for his heart rate.  She wasn't impressed with it so I was sent to L&D to have a high risk ob monitor me.  Basically he started to show signs of stress and they found out that the cord was restrictred and was pushing the blood back. Hence his small size. They determined that he needed to come out right now and would be better on the outside than on the inside.

I was all set up in the OR where Barb, my drug nurse, was amazing and really kept me calm.  When she made the first cut Aidan popped his little hand out. :-)  When he was born they had to jump start his heart for a moment, but that's all better now. He is on a resperator and a feeding tube.  I'm pumping to start the process of getting my milk to come in. When he is strong enough they will start to feed him my milk.

He's a fighter and sooo beautiful! He was squeezing mine and Chris's fingers when we were visiting.  I'm recovering pretty well. I'm pretty sore, but not in horrible pain.  I had such an amazing amount of love and support through visitors and my e-friends.  you have all been so amazing and I thank you!  Aidan has a long road ahead of him and I'll be visiting him every day once I get released.

Maggs