Let’s see where was I? Oh yes I was taking a nap while Chris got some food with his parents. Okay really the nap may have come before we held Aidan, but that’s not the point. :-) I just have to make sure I get the main points written down.
We spent the day going back and forth between Aidan’s room and the waiting room. We were finally got the message that Dr. O was ready to talk to us after looking at Aidan’s scan. I have no idea what was said in the meeting. I just stared at the screen as I realized what was being said. Dr. O was telling us that the bleed on the left side of his brain had drained, but while it was there it pushed tissue over to the right side. She then said this the motor movement part of his brain was gone and that soon his sight would go. She said there bleed caused enough damage that the right side of his brain wouldn’t be able to compensate for the missing left side. I couldn’t look at her or really even breathe the only thing I could do was cry. She told us of miracles that she’s witnessed, but was more telling us that it was almost time. The last thing that we wanted for Aidan was for him to be in pain and to not have a good quality of life. She said that he would stay medicated so he wouldn’t be in pain, but he wouldn’t have any quality of life. Dr. O was willing to explain it all to our family so they would support whatever decision we made, but we knew that they supported us 100%.
Chris and I talked, cried, held each other while we decided what was in Aidan’s best interest. We had to put our selfish interests aside to protect our baby. I told him that I couldn’t let him lose his son on his birthday, but he said that he wanted to share that day with Aidan. We talked about how Aidan wasn’t moving as much and that his organs were starting to shut down since he was unable to fight the jaundice. We talked to Dr. O again and we made the decision to take Aidan off the machines. She held us, cried with us and was extremely supportive. At this point I was very calm and at peace with our decision. I knew it was best for Aidan and I felt that we were being carried by God. We went out to let our families know we had made the decision. Surprisingly I was the one to make the “announcement” because Chris really wasn’t able to speak. I lost it right after that.
We were given the option to sign a DNR if Aidan’s heart went out in the middle of the night, but I told the doctors that I had to have one more night. I had to have my baby to call and check on in the morning. Even though we knew that we would have the next day I wanted everyone to say goodbye to Aidan that night. I told them that I needed them to be calm when saying goodbye. I needed Aidan to know that they all love him and that we were happy to meet him. Of course I didn’t mind people crying, I just didn’t want anyone to be hysterical in the room. The nurses broke the rules and let us have a few extra people in the room. I didn’t want to leave Aidan while Chris’s family was in the room, so they closed the blinds so no other families would see. My very good friend Denice had brought an impression kit earlier in the week and I asked Natalie, Aidan’s night nurse if she could make it for us.
Natalie offered to let us stay the night, but I had to go home. I needed to be able to lose it and I wasn’t going to do that in Aidan’s room or the family room. As soon as we got to the parking garage and the cold air hit my face I almost fainted from everything. Chris held me while I just sobbed in the parking garage. He called his co-worker to let him know what was going on. I just cried. We got home, Chris made pizza and I just cried. I then pumped because once again I was in so much pain from not pumping for hours. We slept on the couches because I still wasn’t able to make it up the stairs to bed. I barely slept that night and when I did I would wake up a short while later just sobbing. To the point where I couldn’t breathe. Snoopy and Chris finally came to snuggle me, but I still couldn’t sleep. How do you sleep the night before you’re baby is about to leave you?
To be continued…..
I love you Aidan Christopher!