Sunday, March 21, 2010

I won't let this define me

As many of you know I'm part of an online message board.  A lot of those ladies have helped me so much during all of this.  Just 2 months ago I was blissfully sitting on the 3rd trimester board getting excited/nervous that I only had 3 more months to go until I would have an outside baby.  I've always known that just because I'm pregnant it doesn't mean that I automatically will have a baby. Secretly I thought that since I knew that, I would be one of the masses that had a healthy baby in the end.  Now I post between a loss board and trying to conceive after a loss. No we're not trying and won't for awhile.  I also read posts on pregnant after a loss and there is a board for parenting after a loss. All of these boards have made me feel like I'm now just Maggie after a loss and honestly I don't want that.

Yes part of me died when Aidan died and I will never get my innocence back, but I am determined to enjoy future pregnancies just as much and just as quickly as I did when I found out I was pregnant with Aidan.  I couldn't have done anything differently and I don't want to be terrified every day of my future pregnancies.  I also don't want to become that paranoid mom that won't let her child have any freedom. 

I will never ever EVER deny Aidan's life or my insane amount of love for him! I love you Aidan Christopher and I'm so happy that I'm your mommy.



  1. I really don't know how to say what I want to I'm sorry if it comes out all wrong. I'm glad that you're not letting this define who you are. You are still Maggie, just a different Maggie. It's not a bad is about changes, and people change and become a little different with all sorts of things life throws at them. I'm so glad that you're able to handle this so well. You may not feel like you are, but to me it seems like you're doing much better than I would be in your place. I hope that today has been an okay day for you. *hugs*

  2. You are so much more than just Maggie after a loss. You are a wonderful mommy to Aidan, a wonderful wife to Chris, a wonderful friend to all of us on the boards, and you will be a wonderful mommy to your future children.

  3. I'm part of the sucky after a loss club. I plan to enjoy every second of being pregnant whenever it happens again. I hope you find some comfort hanging out on those boards, I know I have.