I've been awarded

Thanks KC, of course! I would love to have a little "speech" for this, but she knows how much it means to me.

The rules:
1. Put the logo in your post or within your blog.
2. Pass the award onto 12 fellow bloggers.
3. Link the nominees within your post.
4. Let the nominees know they have received this award by leaving a comment on their blogs.
5. Share the love and link to the person who gave you the award!

My 12 nominees are:
1. Molly
2. Betsy
3. Jennifer
4. Michelle
5. Wrensmommy
6. Sandy
7. Bio
8. Crystal(Dragonspice)
9. Elaine
10. Erica
11. Ashley
12. All the anonymous people on here. You've all have given me strength when I'm feeling weak, courage, support and love for family.

not a good night

Aidan was a nice inside baby when it came to sleeping. I rarely had to get up in the middle of the night, but when I did it was always at 4:30. This morning I woke up from a nightmare rolled over and saw that it was 4:30. I couldn't go back to sleep because I kept replaying the dream over and over. I finally went back to sleep around 6:30 and I had more nightmares. They all involved different ways that I lost Aidan. I decided that I just needed to get up because I couldn't stop crying. I hate that during the day I'm fine, really I'm fine. Yes I have my bad moments, but it's just normal mourning. Yet at night I can have nightmares. I don't have them every night, but when I do they are nasty.

Thankfully I have Aidan's pictures to look to put me in a better mood. Speaking of pictures, I hope to be able to post Aidan's pictures on here. He's so handsome and I want to show him off, but it scares me. I know that it's all in my head, but I promise one day I'll be comfortable with sharing his pictures.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

A post about me

I love to talk. I get in trouble for it at work all the time and in school my report cards always said "Good student, but talks too much." I can talk your ear off about Aidan and trust me I plan to. :-) So why is it when people ask how I'm doing I clam up and just say fine? It's kind of like pregnancy, people know that that it's rough and they don't really want to hear all the horror stories so we give the response fine. Granted I had a wonderful pregnancy and didn't have any horror stories I still usually responded with fine.

I decided to be honest on here. If you don't want to know then don't read on. I'm not going to know. When I'm sad, I'm really really sad. Like almost to the point of depression. I get sad when I think about the things we won't have with Aidan. I got sad yesterday seeing a picture of a friend who gave birth yesterday. Seeing her baby made me so happy, but she gave birth at the same hospital that I did and seeing the maternity room made me so sad. Again I'm super excited and happy for my friend! Thankfully I don't have those moments very often and when I do they only last for at most 10-20 minutes. I'd say 80% of the time I'm in a normal mood. Not happy, but not sad. When I'm happy, I'm usually talking about Aidan, and I'm really happy. I could sit and stare at his pictures all the time. I love that handsome little boy so much. So when you ask how I am, I will probably answer with fine or okay because it changes all the time. If I'm bad I probably won't talk or let you know that I'm not doing so well and it's not a good time for me.

When we found out about the bleed I shut down. I wanted to stop pumping because I didn't want my milk to come in. Then we got 5 more days and I pumped every day and became the "wet nurse" of the floor. No I didn't nurse any other babies, but I had plenty of milk to go around. When we found out that Aidan wasn't going to make it the lactation consultant told me about a milk bank where I could donate all the bottles I had already made as well as the milk from me weaning my supply down. I wanted to wean right away, like that night and be totally finished with pumping. I'm still pumping so I can donate and because stopping right away could have caused me to get sick. I'm a freak, but I love pumping. I love knowing that because of Aidan I can help other babies. At first I would cry every time because I was supposed to be doing it for Aidan. Very bittersweet.

My incision is healing nicely, but my stomach is still so sore. It's not painful, but sore. I'm going to the dr on Monday afternoon to make sure everything is healing correctly. Hopefully we'll get an answer as to why my cord failed. We'll also discuss when we can start trying again and what my next pregnancy will be like appointment wise. I'm going to answer the question that everyone has been asking or afraid to ask. The dr is going to tell us when we can medically start trying again and then we're going to decide when we are both emotionally ready to try again. My mother instinct is 80 bazillion times worse than baby fever so if it was up to me we'd start right away, but it's not about me. We have to do what's right for us.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

Had to take off the hospital bracelet

I told Chris that I wanted to wear the bracelet forever. It's been cracking and finally yesterday it started to scratch my wrist. I had Chris cut it off and I cried, a lot. I asked him if he wanted me to cut his off and he said nope, it's not bothering me. That made me cry even more and I want it back on so bad. Thankfully some of my friends got the frame that I had registered for. It has a spot for the hospital bracelet and I put mine in there. Thanks MaCers I love you!

Today my mom and I are going to get a memory book for Aidan. I have lots of stuff laying around the house that we were given that I want to keep forever. I'm going to do a memory box for his bigger items like the hospital blankets, but I want a book for his little things. A friend found a nice one online for me and if I don't find any other ones today I'll buy that one.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

Egg shells

Yes I am still grieving and missing Aidan more and more each day, but I am getting better every day. I've said it before that I'm afraid people are going to forget Aidan. I know that my close friends and family never will, but I think my fear stems from the fact that everyone has gone back to the real world while I'm stuck here recovering. I love talking about Aidan and I'm very open to answering any questions about everything that happened.

I just feel like people are walking on egg shells around me and I'm writing this post to let everyone know that you don't have to. If I get uncomfortable I'll let you know, but really I haven't. Sometimes I will start to cry, but please don't let that stop you for talking to me.

I just wanted to put this out there so no one feels uncomfortable around me or Chris.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

It's been a week

It's been a week since we said goodbye to our sweet Aidan Christopher. I can't believe it's already been a week and I also can't believe it's only been a week.

Aidan,

Hey buddy, it's mommy. Yes I'm still talking to you and about you. I warned you that I'm like this. I miss you more and more each day. More importantly I love you more and more each day. I've met a lot of wonderful people because of you and they've all reminded me to be thankful for the 8 amazing days that I had with you. Daddy and I tell our stories about you to each other every night. I smile when I think about daddy changing your diaper. It was so difficult with those wires, but he did a great job. I also smile thinking about massage time. Watching you stretch out your toes as you enjoyed your massage let me know that you are my son. I love having my feet rubbed too. I caught myself the other night singing yummy yummy yummy you've got mommy in your tummy as I was pumping and it made me sad and happy all at the same time. I loved doing your mouth care time because that was my way of helping you. You always opened wide and moved your tongue around like it was the tastiest thing. I have not tried it so I'm going to trust you and your actions of liking it.

I miss you Aidan, but mommy and daddy are getting stronger each day. While we'd rather have you here, we can't wait to see each and every day the adventure that you'll take us on.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Mommy

Throat punch

Yesterday we went to lunch with our best friend's from OH. We went to Red Robin and for once Chris and I got there a little early. That's a huge shock for us. :-) When we got there the hostess asked how we were. I thought eh, she doesn't want to know how I'm really feeling so I went with the generic fine. I didn't look up just followed her to the table and hoped that she would leave it at that. Here's what ended up happening

Hostess: So are you guys doing anything fun for Valentines Day?
Me: (still not looking up to make eye contact) Nope
Hostess: Oh why not? It's such a romantic day!
Me: nope not doing anything
Hostess: Well that's sad, you should do something fun.

I'm very proud of myself for just walking to the table, but I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "LOOK LADY MY SON JUST PASSED AWAY, I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO THINK ABOUT THEN THIS STUPID HALLMARK HOLIDAY!" I also wanted to throat punch her, but instead I just sat down, grabbed my phone and prayed that she walked away soon. Chris was very proud of me for the way I handled that. It was hard to see the 80 bazillon babies at the restaurant, but it was nice to get out.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I miss you more and more each day!

Maggs