Feeling better!

So the funk that I've been in has finally passed. It was the holidays. It started in early November when I was looking to order a personalized ornament for our family, except I couldn't find anything that worked. I could have included Aidan as one of the kid penguins, but that didn't feel right to me. I also didn't want to just not include him. So I gave up and on the weekends when I didn't have my mind going 80 different ways, I was depressed. Chris was always asking me what was wrong and early December I finally figured it out. Christmas eve we went to visit Aidan and I let it all out. I just stood there and sobbed. It felt amazing. Christmas went fantastic. Lucas was spoiled, Aidan wasn't forgotten and we just had a good day. Ever since then, I've been feeling better. That didn't happen last year so I know it's because I'm healing more.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander. You boys are my heart and soul

Maggs

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from our family to yours



Love,
Maggie

Merry Christmas Lucas

Dear Lucas,
This will probably be the only Christmas when I'm awake before you. You are still fast asleep upstairs while mommy sits here ready to rip open the presents patiently for you to wake up. You are mommy and daddy's Christmas miracle. When I get sad, all I have to do is hold you and I feel better. You stare in amazement at the tree and it's been a joy enjoying this first Christmas through your eyes.

Yes mommy and daddy like to put you in the diaper box and push you around the room

Oh wait, I hear you talking right now. You don't talk in your sleep, but boy do you snore. You are just like daddy in that department! I woke up this morning to find you sleeping like a frog. On your belly with your knees up, but feet wide apart. You are such my little belly sleeper. When you went to visit Santa, you asked for you two front teeth. While you didn't get two, you do have a tooth that has finally popped through. It's not all the way up yet.

Our tree this year is modestly decorated. I see it as an improvement because last year we didn't put up a tree. We have angels for your brother and we have "Baby's 1st Christmas" for you. Of course we had to get ornaments with both of your names on them.

Last night you helped me make sugar cookies for Santa. We also made the frosting. Yummy

Well you and daddy are coming down the stairs. So let's go enjoy your first Christmas.

I love you so much Lucas Alexander.

Love,
Mommy



Merry Christmas Aidan

Dear Aidan,

It's been a long time since I've written to you. I talk to you daily though so that's okay. :-) I miss you so much sweetie. This should be your second Christmas with us. You should be up right now jumping on our bed trying to wake us up. Instead I got up a little earlier so I could spend time down stairs crying. I want to remember your brother's first Christmas as a happy time so I made some time to be alone and cry.

We went to visit you yesterday and saw that Grandma and Grandpa had been out too. Grandpa said that he had to give you a fresh pinwheel for Christmas.

Of course we had your brother with us. He was trying to watch your pinwheel go the entire time we were there. He picked it out for you.

We drove by again last night after it was dark and we could see the lights glowing from candy cane lights. I love that. I love that I can instantly spot you in the darkness now.

I love you so much Aidan Christopher and words can not describe how much I miss you and wish you were still here with us.

Merry Christmas baby,
Mommy

It's not the best quality but

I love this picture

I took this a few weeks ago when I was getting ready to put up the tree. Lucas had fun playing with the lights.

Still here I promise

This holiday season has been hard on me. So I'm trying to focus on Lucas and trying to keep other things (such as this blog)on the back burner while I work through this time. I miss Aidan and I miss being my normal happy go lucky self. While the boys sleep in this Saturday, I'll post some pictures of Lucas and then maybe after the holidays when I'm feeling better ::crosses fingers:: I'll write about what's going on.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I miss you so incredibly much.
Lucas Alexander, I love you with all of my heart and soul. You are my bright spot on dreary days.

Maggs

9 months

Yeah this is a little late and not the normal picture. I will take the normal picture this weekend

Age: 9 months

Weight/Length: He went to the dr on 11/29. He is 17 lbs 13 oz and 27 3/4 inch. He went from the 2nd percentile to the 9th in 3 months. Way to go little dude!

Size: He wears 6m sleepers and 3-6m clothes.

Teeth: Still none

Sleeping: He loves it. He sleeps through the night and takes lots of naps

Eating: Lots. Still 30oz of milk/formula mixture and 2-3 jars of food. We would get 3 in every day except that he likes his pre bedtime nap and sleeps through that 3rd jar.

Movement: He is a champ at rolling. He's crawling a little bit, but prefers to roll

Milestones: He is such much better at changing directions. He uses his feet a lot more to spin around when he's sitting.

Favorite Toys: He loves his remote and football and this new Octopus thing by Leapfrog

Dislikes: He is starting to understand the word no. He is not happy when I tell him not to take of his hat/ socks. If he doesn't get his way, he's starting to throw a fit

Words/sounds: He's saying mama and dada more when looking at us. He's also saying baba when the bottle is around.

 

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

Happy Thanksgiving

Picture is from here

We have so much to be thankful for. We have our health, jobs, families and friends. We also have the two most amazing little boys. This year is a lot different for me than last year. Last year was okay at best. My mom did her best to spoil me and take care of me. I was pregnant with Lucas and still grieving Aidan. This year we have Lucas and I'm still grieving Aidan. Just the level of grieving has gone down. There is not a day that Aidan's name does not come out of my mouth. My co-workers are amazing and will just let me say his name and understand that I need to say it. Then of course they see new pictures of Lucas almost daily. :-)
In 2 hours Lucas and I will be sitting on the couch watching the Macy's day parade.
Last year I sat at my parent's house and watched it fighting back tears.
Today we won't be with our families on Thanksgiving, which makes me very sad, but Chris has to work
Last year we ate with my parents and they let me cry. They understood...
Today we will be taking Lucas to visit his big brother and put out his Christmas tree. We will let Lucas touch the grass that covers his brother. We will give thanks right there that we were chosen to be the parents to both of these little boys.
Last year we went to visit Aidan and I held up pretty well until I got to the car. That's where I do most of my crying after the cemetery.

I know I've said it twice already, but I'm so thankful to be Aidan and Lucas' mommy. I've held and hold both of my boys. I've loved on both boys. My heart is double it's size for the amount of love I have for both of them. Aidan will never, not be a part of my family. He will ALWAYS be my child and he will always be included in the number of children I have and on cards. This little boy is with me every.single.day and even though it's just his spirit, he is still with me. Then of course there is Lucas. He continues to amaze me every day with the new things he learns. He still looks a little like Aidan, but nearly as much as he did when he was a newborn. He's getting his own personality now and is an absolute joy. Lucas is honestly my rainbow after the awful storm of losing Aidan.

I love you so incredibly much Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Weight loss update

I posted back in May that I was doing a weight loss challenge with some friends. 

Starting picture (yay for the tampon machine again)

We finished on 10/5, but I forgot to take a picture. However I ended up losing 13 pounds and hit my pre pregnancy weight!

We have started the challenge again to help us lose or maintain during the holidays. This time we're adding in a work out check in to help motivate working out. I don't like to work out. I don't like to sweat, but I need to work out to help tighten things up.

So here's my before for this current challenge. I lost an additional 3 lbs in 3 weeks. I'm now at a weight I haven't been in a long time! Woot

Screw it, I'll put my weight. That might keep me accountable...

Starting weight was 224 ( I was 3 months postpartum)

Ending weight was 211 ( same as what I started my pregnancy with Lucas at)

Starting weight for the current challenge is 209
My goal for this challenge is to be at 195 and the challenge is ending in the middle of January.


I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander


Maggs

Thoughts

I miss my Aidan. I miss him a lot. I haven't posted much about him recently because I've been trying to hide my feelings. IRL people have been listening to me talk about him every day, but I was hiding it from my blog. Then I realized that my blog is the last place I have to hide my grief. For over the past year and a half you have all been there supporting me during my grief. So why would I think that would stop now. Well I know why, I've had some people (not close people) say well since you have Lucas you should be over it by now. Aidan is not an "it", he is my son and I will never be over losing him.

I don't have the mindset that if Aidan didn't die, I wouldn't have Lucas. I'm greedy and I want both my boys. When I was younger I used to say that if my brothers didn't die I wouldn't be here and now I feel extremely guilty for saying that. I don't want Lucas or any other children to think that or feel like that.
I spent a lot of Sunday looking for Christmas presents for Lucas which turned into a day of being in a funk. I miss him. I want to be shopping for toys for an almost two year old and an almost 1 year old (holy shit, almost 1?). It's not fair. I want my Aidan back.

I love Lucas more than I could possibly imagine and I'm so thankful and grateful that he's my son. He is the bright spot in my day, but sometimes it hurts so much to see him without his big brother. He hasn't filled the hole in my heart that is Aidan shaped (never was supposed to), but he has created his own space in there.

Long story short. I miss my baby and the upcoming holidays suck because I want him back.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander
Maggs

He's starting to crawl!

Lucas is a champion roller and now he's starting to push off to crawl. I'm so excited

This was taken with my phone so it's not the best quality.

Here's Lucas on Halloween in his actual costume. My inlaws didn't know that he would be dressing up so we surprised them in his duck costume.

I love this picture. He looks like he's saying what the %$#@ are you putting in my hands. :-) I'm so glad my inlaws take pictures of him during the day so I can see his cuteness.


I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!
Maggs

Happy Halloween

From my pumpkins to yours

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

Video

In my last post I said that Lucas is babbling more. Besides babbling more, he is also squealing more. Make sure that your volume is on.

8 months

Age: 8 months

Weight/Length: No clue. I'm thinking around 16-17lbs and 26 ish inches.

Size: I have him mostly in 3-6m clothes. He may be moving to 6m sleepers soon

Teeth: Still none

Sleeping: He loves it. He sleeps through the night and takes lots of naps

Eating: Lots. Still 30oz of milk/formula mixture and 3 pouches of food. The pouches are amazing. He loves anything by Plum. He currently is trying broccoli apple and is devouring it!

Movement: Still no crawling, but is getting closer. His rolling is a lot better

Milestones: He's pulling himself up and can stand unassisted for like 2 seconds

Favorite Toys: He loves his remote and football

Dislikes: nothing really. Wait, he hates when I have to get boogers out of his nose. lol

Words/sounds: He has started babbling a lot more. It sounds like he has said "hi dada", "Hey guys" (heard and commented by Stephanie) and "yeah" Very cute!

 The pictures in his room are getting difficult because now he can see out the window

I love you Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day

I woke up this morning thinking about my Aidster, just like I do every morning. Then I thought about the stat "1 in 4". 1 in 4 women have their lives turned upside down by a miscarriage, late pregnancy loss or infant death after live birth. 1 in 4...wow. Now are you ready for this statistic? My mom lost twins in between my sister and I. I lost Aidan and my sister lost a pregnancy in July that was ectopic. 1 in 4? Not for my family.

I love you Aidan Christopher

We will be out tonight at 7 so I took my picture early. A candle for Aidan. A candle for my brothers and my niece Selah. A candle for all the babies who have left us far too soon. Love you all!

Aidan Christopher,
Not a days go by that I don't wish you were still here with us. I love you baby boy.

Maggs

Best friends

Yesterday we took Lucas to go visit our friends Scott and Erin. Their daughter, Cameron, is 2 months older than Lucas. They are really starting to interact with each other.

Still not sure about what's going on

Lucas then heard the camera and quickly struck a pose

The kids had a good time playing and we had a good time hanging out watching movies.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

5 years and 1 day ago

Happy 5th Anniversary to my best friend. Our marriage has been through a lot the past 2 years. I always knew we'd make it to our 5th anniversary, I just never expected the trials and tribulations we would have to go through to get here. I adore you as much as I did the day you walked into CVS and we started working together. I will never forget how you asked for my phone number. He took my keys, locked them in the high dollar lock box and wouldn't give them back until I gave him my number. I'll never forget the night we hung out for the first time. We went to go see Planet of the Apes. I had to leave during the movie because my dad wouldn't let me stay out past curfew. There are so many memories that I will never forget because they brought us to where we are today. I love you Chris.

We "enjoyed" our anniversary by hanging out at the hospital. Chris's dad had to have another stent (happy dad? I spelled it correctly) in so we both took the day off to watch Lucas and to be at the hospital. We then went out to a fancy dinner where Lucas was perfectly content just sitting in his car seat playing with his toys. Chris pre-ordered an iPhone 4S for me (I need a new phone so perfect timing) and I got him a new Browns jersey.

Chris you are an amazing man, husband and father. 5 years (and 1 day) ago, you made me the luckiest lady. I love you and here's to another 60 years

Maggs

Ps. I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander. You boys have such an amazing daddy who loves you both very much.

7 months

 

 

Age: 7 months

Weight: Probably around 14.5/15 lbs

Length: Probably around 26in

Size: He's still mostly in 3m clothes and 3-6m sleepers. I've decided to graduate him out of the 3m clothes.

Teeth: Still none

Sleeping: He loves it. He sleeps through the night and takes lots of naps

Eating: He's eating about 18 oz of breast milk mixed with 12 oz of formula to get 30 oz. He seems to be handling the formula just fine. He also eats 3 jars of food. He loves fruits and likes squash mixed with sweet potatoes.

Movement: He'll roll to where he wants to go, but no crawling yet

Milestones: He occasionally claps and will hold his bottle. He prefers to be fed his bottle, but will hold it if we stop.

Favorite Toys: Sophie, binkie, Mr. Chewy), Mr. Fuzzy and his hands/feet. Oh and Snoopy. He loves to watch Snoopy walk around.

Dislikes: going in his car seat

Words/sounds: He loves to babble and he has an adorable belly laugh

It's been awhile

I keep wanting to write here and then I forget. I will usually have like 4 things I want to talk about but I don't want to post all at once. My mom gave me a hard time last night for not writing more often so here goes. :-)

Well I'm not writing, but posting pictures. You don't really care what I write anymore as long as there are pictures, right? I know that's not true, but I've got nothing to say (at this time. :-))

 This kid is so happy when he wakes up

My little Colts fan

Lucas helping daddy shred papers

He loves to stand and is now pulling himself up when we hold his hands

Yes, I have a lot of Colts stuff for him. Baby blue eyes trying apples,strawberries and bananas. They were a big hit.

Tomorrow night, Katie Destry, will be taking our family pictures. I'll post those when I get them.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Going to start adding formula

So I've decided to start adding formula to the breast milk. I came to this decision because I'm sick of pumping all the time. I have to pump 6 times a day and I'm just barely making enough. He's now eating 30 oz a day and two full jars of fruits and veggies. Well he should be eating the 2nd jar at home at night, but because of pumping and Chris was out of town I didn't have time. I had to come home, get him down for his pre-bed time nap, pump, make dinner, give him a bottle, bath and then bed. So now I will be pumping at work only during the week and on the weekends I'll be pumping on the same schedule as at work. Then adding formula. This plan will start next weekend. I want Lucas to go 7 months with no formula and since he'll be 7 months on Thursday it's a perfect time to start.

I didn't make this decision lightly. I really struggled with the idea of having to pay for food when right now I make enough for him to eat. Also I felt guilty for stopping when I know so many women who so badly want to breastfeed, but can't. I have to do what's best for my family though. I want to be on the floor playing with Lucas. So starting on Saturday, Lucas will get 1 oz of formula mixed with 4 oz of breast milk and work our way up to half and half.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Never Forget

In memory of all of those who lost their lives 10 years ago

Maggs

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

It's like she knows

Today is a beautiful day. The sun has been shinning off and on, Lucas has been a sweetie today and we spent the day going to garage sales. I couldn't help but think about how much I wanted Aidan to be with us. Not in spirit, but with us. I checked my phone around noon and saw that I had an e-mail from my mom. I needed it and she didn't even know. Well she probably did because she's my mom, but I didn't tell her I need it.

She went to visit my baby and took a picture for me. I hate that my parents have to visit my son at the cemetery, but I'm so glad they do. They always remind me that they miss him. Chris' parents remind me that too by always having a pinwheel there.

Thank you momma for visiting Aidan and for sending me a picture.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I miss you so much!

Maggs

I love you too Lucas Alexander

Great way to help an adoption

Check out my friend Amber's blog. She is hosting a t-shirt giveaway to help raise awareness and money for her and her husband to adopt. They are going to adopt siblings from Africa. Seriously, how amazing are these two?

Amber's family is near and dear to my heart. I grew up with her husband (kinda he was a few years ahead of me) brother in law and sister in law. We went to church together. Then I met Amber on that Monday. That Monday where we found out that Aidan wasn't going to survive. That Monday where I rushed to the hospital to discuss options with the dr. That Monday where I sat and cried while holding my baby for the first time. That Monday where Amber became a part of my family. I kept in contact with Amber through face book and I would go visit her on the days that I had support group. Then the day Lucas was born, Amber was in the OR. She took care of my Aidan and now she was going to be one of the first people to take care of my Lucas.

I'm looking forward to the day that Amber writes in her blog that they are going to go get their children.

Maggs

ps. I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

6 month stats

Yes, we celebrated his 1/2 birthday with a cuppy cake cut in half. :-)

Lucas went to the dr today. He's a little guy but absolutely perfect. He is 13lbs 14 oz and 25.75 in tall. Tall and skinny. He did gain almost 3lbs in 2 months! Woot Woot She said someone has to be at the low end of the scale and he's doing wonderful. We are going to start adding in more solids and will introduce a sippy cup this weekend. He got 3 shots today and will get the 2nd round of his flu shot next month. Then he won't go back until 9 months. The next time he sees Dr. K it will be after Thanksgiving. WOAH!

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Apples...

Are not a fan favorite!

 

Lucas Alexander,

You crack me up when you eat! So far you have only loved your peas. Everything else is eh and apples are just yucky. They are a little sour and your entire body would shake instead of just your face puckering up. I love you so much you goofy little guy!

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs 

 

More pictures

I have 80 of the same picture, but I can't seem to delete any of them. I love all the different angles that I get of this kid.

Here's some more

This is one of my favorite pictures of him and I took it this morning

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs