The services

I'll start with Friday's burial service. My in-laws picked us up and I was fine during the car ride to the cemetery. When we started getting closer I could feel the tears starting. Then I saw the tent that was up and I lost it. I've always hated seeing the tents because I knew someone was being buried and when I saw it up for Aidan it was 10 times worse.

There were 4 chairs sitting in front of his little casket. Chris and I were lead to the chairs before the rest of the family so that we could have some alone time. I once again started talking to Aidan like it was the most normal thing to do. For me it is though, I talk to him every morning and every night. It feels right to me and that's what important. The funeral director said that he normally doesn't do it, but offered to let us put two roses in Aidan's casket. We accepted and I held my breath while he opened the casket. I was sure that seeing Aidan in the hospital would be the last time I saw him so I was nervous. When it was open and I saw my little boy it put a smile on my face. He was wearing a very sweet elephant outfit and wrapped up in a blanket.

The service was about 10 minutes long and after wards we went to my in-laws because I didn't want to be alone.

Saturday's service was hard for me. I've kept myself pretty secluded since we found out the severity of the bleed in Aidan's head. I kept people out of the hospital and I haven't seen people since Aidan was 2 days old. I also haven't shown very many pictures of Aidan and I had a few there and it made me nervous. There were so many people there to support us and it was amazing. Most of those people were there because they love us, but most importantly they all love Aidan even though they didn't get to meet him. Aidan really did touch many lives and helped rebuild bridges to a few relationships. Our best friends from Ohio came and of course they brought their 4 month old, Bryson. Seeing Bryson helped me so much and while it was bitter sweet to meet him this way I'm so happy that they could come.

The service lasted about 30 minutes and was perfect. Aidan's name was said a bunch and that makes me so happy. After the service a small group of us went to the cemetery and then to my in-laws. It was really nice to spend that time with friends and family. After everyone left I was talking to Chris and his parents and I told them that since the services are over that I'm afraid people are going to forget Aidan. I was reminded that I talk about him all the time and that will prevent people from forgetting about him. Chris also reminded me that all of my plans for donations, volunteering and fundraisers for the March of Dimes in Aidan's name will make sure the his name is said forever.

Thank you to all of our friends and family for all of your support. We still need it and I know that we will get it unconditionally. We love you so much for that!

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

Today we say our final goodbye

Aidan,

Today we say our final goodbye. I love you sweet sweet baby boy. I know that you will be at the church with us because you are in mommy and daddy every moment. I look at your daddy and I see you. Please know that when I cry it's because I miss you every second of every day. I couldn't be more proud to have you as my son.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Mommy

My in-laws

I started this post to talk about how the service went today, but it went in this direction instead. I'll post about the service later.

I would be lost without them. They stayed with us most days in the hospital and just sat with us. When I was feeling guilty for my cord failing Aidan they comforted me and told me it wasn't my fault. Of course they were there at the end and got to say goodbye to their beautiful grandson. After Aidan passed I curled up and didn't know what to do. They made phone calls to the funeral home and just helped us so much. I knew that they loved me when I became a part of the family, but the past two weeks they have made it very well known. They bought a beautiful flower arrangement to put on his itty bitty casket and I'm so happy they did because I wouldn't have thought about it.

After the service I didn't want to go home and be alone. I wouldn't have been alone because I have Chris, but I didn't want to think. They invited us over to their house to have pizza and just be together. What was really nice is that Nancy's sister, Kathy, flew in from Florida to be here for us. I hadn't met her before and while I wish we didn't meet in these circumstances it still really helps that she came. So I got to know her a little bit and I got to introduce her to Aidan. She could tell that I was getting ready to have a breakdown she came over and asked me to tell her stories about Aidan. It helped me so much.

I'm so happy to be a part of this family and I'm so happy that Aidan was a part of this amazing family too. I'm glad that he got to know their love for 8 days and I'm glad that they got to know him too.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

I know that I've asked for a lot already

Tomorrow at 3pm we will be burying Aidan with a small graveside service. On Saturday at 3pm we will be having a memorial service at our church for family and close friends. We had to do it this way due to the funeral home not having any directors that would be available to be at the church with the casket. We need lots of prayers the next two days to help us cope.

Thank you

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

Slowly

I'm slowly changing the look of the blog. I need to find out a new name for it, but nothing is coming to me. I know that Aidan will help me pick the right title.

I also wanted to say something that I've said so many times the past week. Thank you, thank you for the love, thank you for the support and thank you for loving Aidan. I know most of you never got to meet my handsome little boy, but that didn't matter. You still loved him and I appreciate that so much.

I'm having a very good night tonight because I've spent so much time tonight talking about my favorite subject, Aidan. I love talking about him and I can't wait for the day when I have a few bad moments, but a lot of great hours of the day. I know that talking about Aidan will help that.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

numb/lost

I'm so numb right now. I miss Aidan so much, but I know he's in a better place. I feel like I'm going through all the grieving stages every five minutes. I'm bawling my eyes out, then pissed off and then happy knowing that Aidan is in a place where nothing can hurt him.

I just don't know what to do next. All I want to do is sleep and cry, but that won't help. Chris and I recall all our happy moments with him and smile. We laugh when we think about how Aidan would wiggle around and kick his feet out from the blankets. We laugh harder when we think about Aidan peeing on us during our diaper changes. It's those memories that help me get out of bed. It's also knowing that we have to take care of Aidan's brother, Snoopy. Snoop knows that something is wrong and he's been very good at giving kisses and snuggling lots with us.

Eating right now is difficult for me and we all know how much I love food. It takes me awhile to finish my food because I get lost in thoughts. I'm 1.8 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. It's weird to think that it took me 28 weeks to gain 15 lbs and a week and a half to lose it.

I know that Chris and I will be fine and we'll get through this together. I know that we will have a stronger relationship and stronger marriage because of Aidan.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

RIP Aidan Christopher

Aidan you were the most amazing son we could have asked for. You fought so hard for us and we love you so much for that. We had the most amazing 8 days with you and we will never forget them! We got to change your diaper, give you massages, hold you skin to skin, hold you in our arms. To be able to hold you and your kiss your head since it was protected by the hat was the most amazing thing ever. Being able to do your mouth care treatments was 2nd best. The way you moved your tongue around right before I put the milk in there was so sweet. You'd open up real wide, well as wide as you could so you could get every last drop. I would hold your hand with my other hand and you would squeeze as tight as you could. Daddy and I both cherish those moments with you. While we wanted so many more moments we know how tired you were. You weren't as wiggly as you had been for so long. You didn't open your eyes with the mask off and we knew the damage from the bleed was too severe.

We promise to keep all those promises that we made to you. We promise to be happy again some day, we promise to read you Goodnight Moon every night. We promise to give you brothers and sisters to watch over and protect. We promise to never forget about you and we promise to live our lives so that we will see you again.

Aidan you were our little fighter and we're so proud of you! You made us parents and you made us better people in your 8 short days.

RIP Aidan Christopher- Feb 1st 4:44pm to Feb 9th 3:05pm.

I love you Aidan you are forever in our hearts and minds!

Maggs

PS. Instead of sending any flowers, please make a donation to the March of Dimes in Aidan's name. Flowers will die, but that donation will help other preemies.