So I watch the Kendra show. Mostly because my co-worker Carrie got me hooked on it because it was being filmed in Indy. I only started watching the current season because she was pregnant, had the baby here and I could relate to the pregnancy part. Until,well, I was no longer pregnant and part of a horrible new club. I continued watching even though it hurt. One huge knife to the gut was the episode where the Colts went to the Superbowl. Everyone close to me knows that I didn’t really care what happened this year. My concern was for Aidan. So watching that episode I just sat there remembering what I was doing at that time. I thought huh, while they were in Miami filming this I was sitting in the hospital praying that my son would be okay. When the Colts lost I asked my mom and Chris if Aidan would be okay.
Anyway, I watched last week’s episode and they were in Vegas. That was our one and only vacation that we got to take with Aidan and it was a trigger for me. We went to a lot of the same places that they went to. I started to cry. I just want to be back in that same place where I was so happy to be walking around with my little baby in my belly.
Another problem recently is that I’m having a hard time replaying everything. I can see in my mind Aidan’s NICU room, the isolette, the couch and the big comfy chair. When I “go to look” in the isolette I just see a picture of Aidan. I see the pictures of him that I have sitting on my desk. I don’t want to see pictures, I want to see him in my mind. Does that make sense? I don’t know if this is because a little bit of time has past and this is what happens with memories or if I’m somehow blocking this. I’m never ever ever going to forget Aidan, but I started to panic last night that I was forgetting his body. So I called Chris to come upstairs and I had a big ugly nasty cry. It felt so good to cry. I cried because I just want to see him. So when I finally calmed down, thanks to Chris and Snoopy, I closed my eyes. When I did I could see Aidan’s legs. I could see us massaging his legs. I didn’t just see the picture of his one leg sticking out. Then I was able to see his belly. I still can’t see his face though. I’m freaking out a little bit, but I’m trying not to.
So for any late loss mama’s who got to spend some time with their baby’s and a little ahead of me in this grieving process, is this normal? Is it normal that the brain holds on to the important things and lets go of the unimportant. No, I’m not saying seeing his face is unimportant.
I love you Aidan Christopher and I promise I’ll never forget you!