Friday, June 4, 2010

What a night

So I watch the Kendra show. Mostly because my co-worker Carrie got me hooked on it because it was being filmed in Indy.  I only started watching the current season because she was pregnant, had the baby here and I could relate to the pregnancy part. Until,well, I was no longer pregnant and part of a horrible new club. I continued watching even though it hurt.  One huge knife to the gut was the episode where the Colts went to the Superbowl.  Everyone close to me knows that I didn’t really care what happened this year. My concern was for Aidan. So watching that episode I just sat there remembering what I was doing at that time. I thought huh, while they were in Miami filming this I was sitting in the hospital praying that my son would be okay.  When the Colts lost I asked my mom and Chris if Aidan would be okay. 

Anyway, I watched last week’s episode and they were in Vegas.  That was our one and only vacation that we got to take with Aidan and it was a trigger for me.  We went to a lot of the same places that they went to. I started to cry. I just want to be back in that same place where I was so happy to be walking around with my little baby in my belly.

Another problem recently is that I’m having a hard time replaying everything. I can see in my mind Aidan’s NICU room, the isolette, the couch and the big comfy chair. When I “go to look” in the isolette I just see a picture of Aidan. I see the pictures of him that I have sitting on my desk.  I don’t want to see pictures, I want to see him in my mind. Does that make sense? I don’t know if this is because a little bit of time has past and this is what happens with memories or if I’m somehow blocking this.  I’m never ever ever going to forget Aidan, but I started to panic last night that I was forgetting his body. So I called Chris to come upstairs and I had a big ugly nasty cry. It felt so good to cry.  I cried because I just want to see him.  So when I finally calmed down, thanks to Chris and Snoopy, I closed my eyes.  When I did I could see Aidan’s legs. I could see us massaging his legs. I didn’t just see the picture of his one leg sticking out.  Then I was able to see his belly. I still can’t see his face though. I’m freaking out a little bit, but I’m trying not to.

So for any late loss mama’s who got to spend some time with their baby’s and a little ahead of me in this grieving process, is this normal? Is it normal that the brain holds on to the important things and lets go of the unimportant. No, I’m not saying seeing his face is unimportant. 

I love you Aidan Christopher and I promise I’ll never forget you!



  1. My Parker was with us for four days, and we lost him in November. I do a LOT of replaying in my head.. the time we spent with him, the delivery, the process of his passing. Some days I remember different details, and others I struggle to recall something specific that I WANT to remember. I remind myself that I have some photos to refresh my memory when I start to panic. *hugs*

    I don't know if it ever gets easier, but grief seems to change from day to day.. sometimes from one second to the next.

  2. I by no means understand what you're going through, and we talked about this last night but...I want you to know how much I love you. I will ALWAYS be there for you and for Chris. We are SO looking forward to seeing you guys in a couple of weeks. I can't wait to see your Aidan pictures again--so bring LOTS of them, okay?
    I love you I love you I love you :)
    Oh, and my pinwheel is spinning :)

  3. I am already scared about this and it has only been almost 4 weeks. We only had 20 hours with Ella, but I replay them over and over in my head. I am scared if I don't do this I will forget the details-but I know I will never ever forget Ella. I remember after my granny died(she was like a second mom to me), I got so upset when I couldn't remember what her voice sounded like anymore. She died 16 years ago. I comletely get what you are talking about!

  4. Hey Maggs. I could have written this post myself. When we were inthe NICU, I pretty much knew that Olivia wasn't going to make it. They hadn't toldus that yet, but I could feel it. I compulsively took pictures because of that. Now, I feel like every time I try to think about HER, not a picture, all I can see is one of the pictures that I took. It sucks. I never know if I'm remembering being with her, or if I'm remmbering a picture.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say that I bet its completely normal.

  5. I only spent so little time with Aurora that it's hard for me to picture her and not a picture. I was also so looped out on all of the pain medicine that they gave me, i'm honestly suprised i stayed awake as long as i did.

    I know you'll never forget Aidan and being with him instead of just a picture. Your mind may see a picture... but your heart shows you HIM.

  6. I have went through the exact same thing. Every night, before I would go to sleep, I would force myself to think of a different memory of Matthew so that I would remember being in the moment and not just pictures/videos of him.

    One of my biggest concerns with ttc another baby was that I was absolutely terrified (and still am) that I will mix up the memories in my head and not be able to remember him, or his fine details like his ears or how his hair felt on his neck, or how tiny he felt when we held him.

    It is incredibly hard.