Getting help

So I've been struggling with anxiety. It started as soon as the pregnancy test said "Pregnant", but it's gotten worse. I know that it's normal to have anxiety with a newborn, but not to my extent. I check on Lucas constantly, for example, we were laying in bed and in a 5 minute period, I checked on him no less than 10 times. Lucas is just now starting to spit up and I'm terrified that he'll spit up while he's laying in bed and choke on it. I know that he would make noises if he was choking, but I honestly can't think of that when I have the thoughts running through my head. When I'm not checking on him, I'm imagining the worst scenario. It's overwhelming! So I'm going to talk to Dr B about getting help. Maybe through medication or maybe just going to a therapist. I don't know, I just know that this is getting too much. I'm enjoying my time with Lucas and don't feel like I'm depressed, I'm just afraid. Another example is that I'm afraid that if we don't have him covered with blankets and hats that he'll get sick and die. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Just like with my grief, I want to put this out there for everyone to read in case someone else is feeling like I am. It took a lot for me to admit this, because I felt like this is normal. I thought it was normal, until this morning when I was checking on him constantly. I couldn't enjoy quiet time laying in bed snuggling with Chris and Snoopy. This is not an all day, all consuming thing, but enough that I need to tell/talk to someone. I will admit that I'm feeling a little better for just admitting this so openly.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

1 month

I can't believe my baby is a month old!  I've learned that having a newborn is hard. I knew I wouldn't be getting sleep, but I had no idea how hard breastfeeding would be and how difficult that would make everything else. I also try the sleep when the baby sleep thing, but he sleeps a lot during the day and I'm not tired. We had a blessing in disguise and Chris has been home with us the entire time. We found out the day that we brought Lucas home that his company was closing. He now has a new (well old, he went back to his previous company) job and started today. Because of that, Chris has been doing a lot of the night time stuff (until 2 am then I take over) to let me try to get more sleep.

Lucas is starting to "talk" more and I love it. He loves being with me and it melts my heart when he passes out on my shoulder in a milk coma. Daddy is giving him one bottle a night so they can have their bonding time. Chris is simply amazing with Lucas. I cry every time that I look over and see Lucas fast asleep on Chris' chest. This is what we've wanted for so long and we're finally here.

His stats from his 1 month appointment
Weight: 7 lbs 11 oz- up 11 oz from birth (12th percentile)
Height- 21 in- grew 1 inch (39th percentile)

He's hitting all of his milestones and Dr. K is very happy with his growth.

I love you Aidan Christopher, you're doing a great job looking over your brother! I love you Lucas Alexander, I'm so glad you're my baby

Maggs

answer to a pumping question

Someone asked me "was wondering how often and how long you have to pump for each day because i'm considering doing that for my baby."
I'm really lazy at pumping because Lucas is nursing so much better now. Before I was pumping every time I tried to feed him so that was every 2 hours. I would pump until I was empty or until I filled the bottle. Now that he's doing better, I pump in the morning after his first feeding once in the afternoon and once at night. Since Lucas is still a lazy eater, it takes me awhile to nurse him and he eats every 2 hours I don't want to pump too much. 

Maggie

I no longer hate breastfeeding!

After all the responses that I got to my last post about it, I decided to try one more time. Something magical happened and Lucas latched on right away. We still occasionally have to use a bottle, but that's only when I'm exhausted and need a break. The support group really really really helped my confidence and I got Lucas back to his birth weight. Every day is getting a little easier and I'm so glad I tried one more time.  I'm still going to the support group twice a week to keep an eye on his weight and to get more help. I really encourage anyone that is having trouble breastfeeding to seek help.

Here's what I learned at the support group:
Lucas is a lazy eater. Part of that is because of his jaundice being so bad and the pain killers that I'm on. To help combat that I have to annoy the snot out of him when he's latched on. I have to rub his head, tickle his feet, rub his sides and tap his chin to keep him going. During the support group, I weigh him every 10 minutes and then switch boobs until he gets close to getting 2 oz. At home I switch boobs every 10 minutes to make sure he's being an efficient eater.  Sometimes if the annoying thing doesn't work, I push some pumped breastmilk into his mouth through a syringe. That helps to stimulate him to start sucking again. Yes it's a lot of work, but every time we nurse it's getting better. I don't have to annoy him as much (granted I don't know how much he's eating) he's sleeping better and we just have a much better relationship.

So thank you for all the advice and support from my last post. I really needed that to try one more time and I'm so much happier and so is my household. Here's another picture that Kathy took in the hospital and I'm so glad that I have this picture.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Our hospital stay

Man, it's hard to blog with a newborn.  Okay it would be easier if I wasn't sitting around holding him all the time. Lucas is just so snuggly!

So about our hospital stay, it was amazing! Every single nurse that came in knew our history so we never had to have the awkward is this your first conversation. Nurses that we had never met before kept telling us how much Lucas looks like Aidan. They knew that because of his picture that we had in the room, but they all talked to me about Aidan. I so badly needed that and have a feeling that my grief counselor was behind it. :-) I sent Lucas to the nursery every night for at least 2 hours and while I felt a moment of guilt, the feeling of sleep out weighed that by a lot.

We did have a little scare with jaundice. My milk had come in, but because of the jaundice Lucas was pretty lethargic and not eating much. Since he wasn't eating much, he wasn't getting the jaundice out. The dr had us use a bili blanket in the hospital to try to help break down the bilirubin. Similar to the lights that Aidan was under. I also had a lactation consultant come and help me get him to eat more. She sat with us for probably an hour doing different tricks. She was with us for so long because there was a possibility that Lucas was going going to have to go to the NICU to be under the bili light. That would mean that he wouldn't have come home with us the same day. The LC begged the dr to let us take the blanket home so Lucas would leave with us. We are so thankful for our LC and her determination.

I'm so glad that we had two completely different, but amazing stays at our hospital. I've read so many horror stories and am so thankful we didn't have that. As a prize for reading this post (or skimming it) here's another picture of our little prince.(Picture taken by Kathy)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

I hate breastfeeding!

It's hard and I hate it! Lucas screams at my boob, latches on for a few minutes and then falls asleep. I love it during the day because I've had some sleep and can handle the "abuse". However, night time is awful. So I've decided (after many nights of crying, by both of us) that I'm going to pump and feed him bottles of breast milk. It was going to happen eventually because of going back to work, but I had hoped we would have been able to nurse longer than 2 weeks.
I'm enjoying feedings so much more already and we just started this morning. I'm getting the emotional connection through bottle feeding that I wanted so badly through nursing, but wasn't getting. Part of me still feels like I'm letting Lucas down and that I need to fight through this. I can't be selfish with this though as Lucas is having a hard time gaining weight when I just nurse and it's more important that he gets enough food. There is a support group that I might go to tomorrow for one last try, but I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of just pumping. To be honest, it's hard for me to actually talk about because I want to nurse so badly. I cry when I say out loud that I'm done, but in my head I know it's what's best for Lucas.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Birth story told with pictures

Since we all know I had a repeat c-section there isn't really a story to tell. I got prepped, sliced open, given a baby and still recovering. Same as last time, but on time and I got to see my Lucas right away.

 I miss that belly!

 Me and Dr.B. I know I've said this a bunch, but I love that woman!

 Welcome to the world, Lucas Alexander

 This picture means so much to me! I had asked one of Aidan's NICU nurses, Ingrid, if she could be in the OR with us. She was with us on Aidan's last day and I wanted her to take care of "Nugget" on his first day. Ingrid had a patient that she had to take care of and I found out when Amber, another one of Aidan's NICU nurses, came into the OR. I love Amber and so that was awesome that she came down knowing how much I needed them. Well Ingrid made it in time and here is Ingrid and Amber taking care of Lucas.

I had a hard time emotionally during the surgery. Most of the time was spent thinking about Aidan and how I so badly wish that he was sitting out in the waiting room with our parents to meet his little brother. I also thought about his birthday and how different it was. I was zoned out until I could hear Dr. B getting excited because "Nugget" was about to be born. At that point I started bawling, I couldn't stop. It was amazing to see him over the curtain when Dr. B showed him to me. Then to look over and see Ingrid and Amber taking care of him...I lost it again. Don't even get me started when I saw Chris holding him for the first time.

Dr. B said that I had very minimal scaring from my first c-section and that it was very quick and easy for them. I'm healing pretty well. The recovery is very similar to what I experienced with Aidan. It's a little harder because of the lack of sleep and wanting to hold/help Lucas all the time. Chris has been amazing and doing so much because I can't. It also helped a lot that my mom has been staying with us. I've only changed a few diapers, while they've changed countless. I know my time is coming soon when I'm feeling better so I'm not feeling too bad. ;-)

So that's the story of Lucas' birth in pictures. I will upload more pictures from the hospital soon along with how that went.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs