Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Just another day in grief land

I had a really rough day today. I know that I’m allowed to and that’s okay. I’m just shocked at what set me off.  Someone told me I need to focus more and I lost it! I had to hold back tears all day and I felt crushed! I thought that I’ve been doing such a good job under these circumstances.  I feel ridiculous for how much I blew it out of proportion, but I can’t control how I feel.

Someone on my loss board posted this list and it came at the perfect time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I will never be *ME* again. Yes, most of my personality will come back and new parts of me will emerge, but I will never be the “Old Maggie.” Trust me, that scares me because frankly I LOVE who I was. A kid at heart, always wanting to make people happy, always being happy and being in my little bubble of life. Just trying to make a mark on the world by having a baby to carry on our name.  I’m getting better and getting used to the idea of a new me, but I’ll never 100% accept it because it doesn’t involve Aidan here with us. 

I have no idea who I’ll be come, but I need everyone to be patient with me while I become that person. It may take me months or it could take years. All I know is that every decision I make is based on how it will reflect my role as Aidan’s mom.

I know this is “deep”, but I fear that people think that just because I have a smile on my face it means that I’m “getting over it.” Just because I’m positive doesn’t mean that I’m not hurting and missing my baby.  Please just give me time.

I love you Aidan Christopher



  1. Big hugs. I'm sorry people are being insensitive to you. :(

  2. "All I know is that every decision I make is based on how it will reflect my role as Aidan’s mom."

    This statement is really beautiful. It really sums up how I feel. I want so badly to be a better person in my daughter's honor.

    Sorry you had a rough day.

  3. Sorry you had a diffuicult day. It is a hard thing to embrace that you will never be your old self, but you don't want to be either. It is still so new to me, but I understand exactly what you are saying. Thinking of you today!

  4. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

    This new life without our little boys sucks. I wish they were here. I'm so sorry!

  5. Very well said! Unfortunately as well as losing our children we have to deal with the insensitive though mostly unintentional comments people make. We do just need to feel accepted and left alone to grieve in our own way that works for us and people just don't seem to get that. *hug*

    love and prayers

  6. We've never met, but I find your strength beautiful. And I don't think that allowing yourself the time to grieve and the time to find out who you are today is a break in that strength. I appreciate your and your ability to share what you have experienced, it gives others strength.