Just another day in grief land

I had a really rough day today. I know that I’m allowed to and that’s okay. I’m just shocked at what set me off.  Someone told me I need to focus more and I lost it! I had to hold back tears all day and I felt crushed! I thought that I’ve been doing such a good job under these circumstances.  I feel ridiculous for how much I blew it out of proportion, but I can’t control how I feel.

Someone on my loss board posted this list and it came at the perfect time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I will never be *ME* again. Yes, most of my personality will come back and new parts of me will emerge, but I will never be the “Old Maggie.” Trust me, that scares me because frankly I LOVE who I was. A kid at heart, always wanting to make people happy, always being happy and being in my little bubble of life. Just trying to make a mark on the world by having a baby to carry on our name.  I’m getting better and getting used to the idea of a new me, but I’ll never 100% accept it because it doesn’t involve Aidan here with us. 

I have no idea who I’ll be come, but I need everyone to be patient with me while I become that person. It may take me months or it could take years. All I know is that every decision I make is based on how it will reflect my role as Aidan’s mom.

I know this is “deep”, but I fear that people think that just because I have a smile on my face it means that I’m “getting over it.” Just because I’m positive doesn’t mean that I’m not hurting and missing my baby.  Please just give me time.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggie