Marker

Here’s a better picture of Aidan’s maker.  Yes, I blacked out our last name.

 

I love you Aidan Christopher! Oh and can you show Aunt Nicki’s grandpa around? He went up to heaven around 8am this morning. Thanks buddy, you’re the best!

Maggs

Just another day in grief land

I had a really rough day today. I know that I’m allowed to and that’s okay. I’m just shocked at what set me off.  Someone told me I need to focus more and I lost it! I had to hold back tears all day and I felt crushed! I thought that I’ve been doing such a good job under these circumstances.  I feel ridiculous for how much I blew it out of proportion, but I can’t control how I feel.

Someone on my loss board posted this list and it came at the perfect time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I will never be *ME* again. Yes, most of my personality will come back and new parts of me will emerge, but I will never be the “Old Maggie.” Trust me, that scares me because frankly I LOVE who I was. A kid at heart, always wanting to make people happy, always being happy and being in my little bubble of life. Just trying to make a mark on the world by having a baby to carry on our name.  I’m getting better and getting used to the idea of a new me, but I’ll never 100% accept it because it doesn’t involve Aidan here with us. 

I have no idea who I’ll be come, but I need everyone to be patient with me while I become that person. It may take me months or it could take years. All I know is that every decision I make is based on how it will reflect my role as Aidan’s mom.

I know this is “deep”, but I fear that people think that just because I have a smile on my face it means that I’m “getting over it.” Just because I’m positive doesn’t mean that I’m not hurting and missing my baby.  Please just give me time.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggie

Journaling

During my last grief session we talked about journaling.  There are many types of journaling besides writing. There’s photography, crafts, scrapbooking any many more.  Our counselor talked about one way of actually journaling is to write based on the alphabet.  Well I don’t want to use the whole alphabet I just want to use certain letters.  I bet you can’t guess which ones. :-)

A-Always our first born

I-I love you

D- Determined to have your feet where you wanted them

A-Amazing little fighter

N-Never forgotten

I had a more complex one written out, but it was just a lot of words that mean what I have written above. I know that I journal through my writing, but I think I want to do more. I have a lot of projects started and none of them are close to being finished. Once I get my projects finished I’ll look into starting something else.  I’m so glad that I have grief counseling, it has helped a lot and I’ve met some amazing women.  It also helps because I get to tell Aidan’s story at least once a month! :-)

I love you Aidan Christopher!

*Oh and here’s another one*

Maggs

I’m finally ready….

I would like to introduce you to Aidan Christopher

I love you Aidan Christopher and I love showing you off!

Maggie

P.S I need to thank the girls on the loss board for giving me the support post a full picture of Aidan.  It will be awhile before I post any without his goggles though.

Final test results

Okay, so remember when I told you that my initial blood work came back with positive results for an Autoimmune disorder? Well I talked to Dr. B on Thursday and my blood work came back negative. Dr. B said that since everything appears to be fine that we can start trying again whenever we want.  Like I’ve said before, she wants us to wait until August, but we can start now.  We’re not ready to start yet, but it’s nice to have the go ahead. I’ll be taking extra folic acid, possibly a baby aspirin daily and will be monitored much more closely.

I’m over the feeling that if we have another baby that we’ll be replacing Aidan.  Nothing could ever replace our first born and we promised to give him siblings to watch over.  The fear of losing another baby will always be in our minds, but for me it’s slowly starting to move to the back of my thoughts.  Only time will tell and all we can do is pray that we’ll have a healthy baby to take home.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

It’s here

Chris and I ordered Aidan’s permanent marker back in late February early March. We finally paid it off and so they installed it the other day.  It’s HUGE and looks great.  They’ll be giving us a call this week for us to come pick up Aidan’s temporary marker. We plan on putting it in our garden next to a few froggy figurines that we have.

I, of course, bawled my eyes out when I saw the permanent marker out there, but it’s just another piece of closure for us. I’ve been going to visit Aidan about once a week, sometimes more sometimes less. Every time I go, there is a new container of flowers and I love it!

I love you Aidan Christopher! I hope you like the marker that we picked out for you.

Maggie

I need

I had plans on writing a nice long post, but really the only thing that I'm thinking right now is...

I miss him. I miss him soo much!

I need to know that you miss him too.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

Reason, Season or Lifetime

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

I’ve been thinking about this poem a lot lately.  I have a group of people from each category, but I don’t want to focus on all the groups. I want to focus on the Reason group.  As we all know, my life changed dramatically on February 1st. I became a mom to an outside baby, but unable to take care of him on my own.  We had to have the help of the NICU staff.  These were people I assumed I would never meet, but now they are so important to me.  They gave me the opportunity to take care of Aidan when I was afraid. They gave me the courage to change his diaper even though the wires were very intimidating.  They taught me how to be mom to a NICU baby. Because of them I have amazing memories of Aidan that help me during my darkest times.  I’ve added a few of them on Facebook and while that made me feel awkward at first I’m so glad they are on there.  They still give me the confidence that I did everything I could to help Aidan, they tell me they love me and most importantly they tell me that Aidan changed their lives.  I’m still collecting items to donate to the NICU and part of that is because I want an excuse to see them again.  I know that when we are expecting again that they will be there for me. I’m so glad these women are in my life and I wish there was a way that I could express my gratitude for them.
Thank you so much Ingrid, Natalie, Amber, Christi, the anonymous commenter that helped Natalie with the mold kit and taking the pictures that I can’t live with out and everyone else at Community North who took care,loved or even just stopped in to see Aidan.
I love you Aidan Christopher!
Maggie

Happy Mother’s Day

I’ve been dreading this day for the past week. Mostly because of the non-stop commercials.  Now that it’s here it’s not that bad.  I wish that today would have started with Chris getting up and taking care of Aidan while I slept in. Instead Chris is still asleep and I’ve been up since 8.  I was so worried that I would be forgotten today because I don’t have an earth baby.  I may not have an earth baby, but I still got to take care of my baby.  I got hold Aidan’s hand, give him milk on a q-tip, change his diaper, take his temperature and give him massages. I read him stories, sang him songs and loved on him.  I got to rock him, rub his back kiss his head and tell him that I love him. I did something that all mom’s do. I made the best decision for him even though it was the worst decision for me. I was able to hold him as he took his last breaths and we were the last thing he saw before he passed. I woke up this morning and had a lot of messages on facebook wishing me a happy mother’s day and that means a lot to me. 

The girls on my local message board sent my flowers. It was very unexpected and very much appreciated.

I’m part of another message board and we had a gift exchange. My person sent me a beautiful necklace and my favorite candy, Riesen chocolate chews.

The necklace says Hope and has a dove on it. I love it!

My mom and I spent the day together yesterday and before I left she gave me these..

And to think, I was afraid that I would be forgotten.  I feel very blessed.

So Happy Mother’s day to all the moms, moms-to-be and moms to angels.  If you know someone that has had a loss at any time, please take the time today and send them a message.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I’m so happy that I’m your mom and you’re my son!

Maggie

March for Babies 4/25

I know this is late, but I had other things on my mind to blog about. :-)  I barely slept 3 hours the night before the walk. This is the first big thing that I’ve organized and I was nervous about how the day would turn out.  A few people cancelled on me because of the weather, but we had a huge turn out.  I told everyone to be there around 9:15. I was going to get signed in and take a quick lap of the area, but almost everyone arrived before 9:10.

There are couple of people missing from the picture. The walk was getting ready to start and they were still in line registering.

My family got gold beads and I was jealous of everyone that had the other colored beads. My beads meant that my baby didn’t survive.  Yes I obviously know that, but the beads were just another reminder. I fell into Erin’s arms to cry when I got my beads. We headed towards the starting line and the guy on the microphone started a chant. He did the “When I say healthy you say babies!”  I lost it again! I mean I’m all for healthy babies, but I was surrounded by NICU graduates and healthy babies and all I wanted was to have Aidan be a part of that group.  Thankful my co-worker Carrie was right there for me to cry on.  We didn’t start the walk as a group because I wanted to stay back with Carrie. She was 37/38 weeks pregnant and I wanted to make sure she was okay.  Along the way I could see our bright blue design on people’s backs.  It was really cool. My girlfriends stopped along the way and joined Carrie and I.

The walk was shortened from 3.1 miles down to a mile and a half due to the rain.  Speaking of the rain, the weather didn’t keep everyone away….. There were a lot of people Marching for Babies.  After the walk some of our group met back up to figure out what we were doing for lunch.  While we were standing around I saw a familiar face. I saw, Ingrid, one of Aidan’s NICU nurses! I love this lady and I’m so glad she’s in my life! Here are the rest of the Community North NICU nurses that marched.  I didn’t know most of them, but they all knew me because of our special little boy. A group of 11 of us went out to eat after the walk and that was a lot of fun! (My best friends Nicki and Erin)

I’m glad that we did the walk and that we had so many people walking with us.  I have friends all over the country that walked as a part of Team Aidan Christopher. It means so much to us to get his name out there. My friend Megan and her husband walked in Seattle Washington last weekend.  He wasn’t supposed to be able to walk because he’s in the military and was going to be gone for a month, but that got pushed back.  While they were walking he carved Aidan’s name in a piece of wood.  

My friend Tonya walked last weekend as well in Cleveland, OH. She wore her team Aidan Christopher shirt as well, but I forgot to download the picture she sent. Oops.  There were a few other walkers last week, but they haven’t sent me any pictures yet.

Thank you all so much for your support. We’ll be walking every year for the rest of lives to continue Aidan’s story and I’m excited to see who all makes it out next year.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggie

Aidan’s okay

I was talking to a few of the girls on my message board about how I haven’t had any dreams with Aidan in them yet.  I’ve had pregnancy dreams and delivery dreams but none of them had Aidan in them.  Well last night kind of changed that.  My co-workers in my department got a star registered in Aidan’s name, love that!, and I had a dream about it.  A bunch of us were outside at night looking at the stars. I was like “Hey, we can look for Aidan’s star!” We were looking and then I saw like 5 “blobs” of light dancing in the sky.  I don’t know any other way of describing it other than blobs. We went inside because the blobs were getting closer.  I remember that Chris was in the kitchen of some house and I went up into a bedroom to hide.  The blobs came into the room that was in, but they all joined into one big ball. It reminded me of the fuzzy feeling in the 1800 flowers commercial.  I just to run, but it followed me. I said “Aidan?” The blob didn’t talk because there was no mouth, but it said “No, but he wanted us to tell you that he’s okay.” I’m crying as I write this thinking about the dream, it was that moving. So I asked the blob (I promise I’m not crazy :-) ) if he’ll ever come visit me. It said “We’re not sure, he just wanted us to pass this message on to you.”  Then I woke up

I, for the most part, had a really great day. I mean how could I not after being told that my baby is okay. I know that I will still have my ups and downs, but knowing that Aidan is okay is fantastic.

I love you Aidan Christopher and thank you so much for my message!

Maggie

Sometimes I wonder

Chris and I went to Hallmark the other day.  I’m doing a gift exchange with other moms of angels for Mother’s Day. I was looking for something and I turned around to ask Chris and I couldn’t find him.  When I did I found him looking at froggy stuff.  I wondered if he looked at froggy stuff like I do. Well it was nice to see that he does.  As I was checking out he told me to turn around.  He was holding a little fish tank that had a little frog in there. Hallmark is selling a live frog!  We didn’t buy it, but I was more impressed with Chris pointing out all the frog stuff to me. 

Not related, but I went to the rheumatologist today.  My appointment was at 2:30 and I wasn’t called back until a little after 3.  Needless to say I was a little annoyed.  All of my medical information was sent over before the appointment, but when the nurse walked in she asked if I have any kids.  I think that should have been my first clue that she didn’t read my file.  That’s not the point…..I then met the Dr. and she was polite and asked me to give more details about what happened.  As we all know I don’t mind telling Aidan’s story because that means I’m talking about him.  She is pretty sure that I had a false positive and after doing an exam she’s confident in that, but I still had more blood work drawn.  They’ll only call if my numbers come back positive again, but I will hear from Dr. B once she gets the results.  She really spoils me for Drs because I was very annoyed with my appointment today, but that’s okay.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggie

3 Months

Aidan,

Hi baby boy. Wow, I can’t believe that 3 months ago you were born. Our world was turned upside down in a matter of hours. You would have been home from the NICU now, but I try not to dwell on that.  Your life was lived the way it was supposed to be and that’s what we celebrate. I know I told you this the other day when I went to visit you, but now it’s official. When it’s time for mommy and daddy to come to heaven, our bodies will be right next to yours.  We hate that we even have to think about it but that’s where we are and we can’t change our situation.

I love being able to tell you story and I do it whenever I can.  I’m looking into more ways to volunteer to help pre-mature babies or grieving moms. Both will let me tell your story. Speaking of your story, I met Jillian’s mom last night.  We both like to vision you guys playing along with our other friend’s babies. We had a great time just sitting and talking.

I love you sweet Aidan Christopher. Happy 3 monthday sweetie!

Love,

Mommy