Thursday, September 16, 2010

2:30 am ramblings

So Chris freaked out this morning after a nightmare. I'm talking grabbed a pillow and started swinging it around. Of course that woke Snoopy and I up. hour later and he's up in bed fast asleep while I'm wide awake. This isn't cool.  It is giving me a chance to write something that I'm finally ready to write. I don't know if I was avoiding it because that would make it not true, but that's never the case. Aidan has been gone longer then he was in my tummy. Ouch, that just hurts to write. I knew this milestone would pass and I knew it would hurt, but it sucks. I miss my little smushy baby so much.

I've had a few people say "well now that you're pregnant with nugget..." and let me tell you, that stings worse then "God has a plan" or "Everything happens for a reason." Of course until you've been in a pair of baby loss shoes, you never fully grasp how a simple phrase can end up hurting someone. Yes, I am pregnant with nugget now, but the baby will never take away my hurt and longing for Aidan. I know as time moves on the pain will lessen as it already has, but I will never look at nugget as the baby that took away the pain. These pregnancies are so similar that it scares me. Not an all consuming, think about constantly type fear, but I think about it as I lay in bed falling asleep. I think about it when I'm sitting in the waiting room, every 2 weeks, getting ready for the dr to try to find the heart beat. So after this short rambling, I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I'm now pregnant with nugget, that's never going to be a phrase that will calm my fears. It's just going to come off, to me as a baby loss mom, as saying well now that you are pregnant with nugget you should move on from your loss. It's not going to happen.

Well it's now 3:45 and Snoopy is snoring next to me so I should probably try to get some sleep.

I love you Aidan Christopher and nugget!



  1. Good night, my sweet, sweet girl. We love you. Momma & Daddy

  2. Awww, hugs. We will never forget Aidan!