So I've been struggling with anxiety. It started as soon as the pregnancy test said "Pregnant", but it's gotten worse. I know that it's normal to have anxiety with a newborn, but not to my extent. I check on Lucas constantly, for example, we were laying in bed and in a 5 minute period, I checked on him no less than 10 times. Lucas is just now starting to spit up and I'm terrified that he'll spit up while he's laying in bed and choke on it. I know that he would make noises if he was choking, but I honestly can't think of that when I have the thoughts running through my head. When I'm not checking on him, I'm imagining the worst scenario. It's overwhelming! So I'm going to talk to Dr B about getting help. Maybe through medication or maybe just going to a therapist. I don't know, I just know that this is getting too much. I'm enjoying my time with Lucas and don't feel like I'm depressed, I'm just afraid. Another example is that I'm afraid that if we don't have him covered with blankets and hats that he'll get sick and die. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
Just like with my grief, I want to put this out there for everyone to read in case someone else is feeling like I am. It took a lot for me to admit this, because I felt like this is normal. I thought it was normal, until this morning when I was checking on him constantly. I couldn't enjoy quiet time laying in bed snuggling with Chris and Snoopy. This is not an all day, all consuming thing, but enough that I need to tell/talk to someone. I will admit that I'm feeling a little better for just admitting this so openly.
I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander
Maggs
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I think this happens frequently even for mothers who have not be through a loss like what you have experienced! Certainly it is nothing to be ashamed of. It is especially common just few weeks post-partum, as I understand it. It is harder still for women like us who have lost a baby and always have in the back of our mind that bad things sometimes happen to babies. You should talk to your doctor and maybe see about joining a support group or seeing a therapist.
ReplyDeleteI have postpartum anxiety. It's really no fun. I had vivid 'daydreams' about the bad things that could happen and I was always on edge... like waiting for the other shoe to drop. There was no difficulty with attachment or love but I felt like my senses were working overtime to try and catch disaster before it happened. Turns out nothing ever happened... but I was SURE it was going to.
ReplyDeleteI take Zoloft (which is safe for breastfeeding) and that worked well for me. I just weaned my son who is just now 12 months old.
It was bad, but it got so much better! I hope you find something that works for you!
This sounds completely normal after having lost Aidan. I have a dear friend that lost her first child from SIDS. She then became pregnant soon after her passed and she was terrified. Which...I know you can relate. She ended up having 3 beautiful girls all in separate years. 2 of the girls wore heart monitors for several months of their life. She was so terrified that it would happens again so she needed reassurance that everything would be OK. With the last child she decided she was becoming confident enough not to use the monitors. It will get easier girl! Medication always helps and you may just need it temporary. You need to think about yourself too and make sure you are in the right state of mind to take on all this. You are so strong and have so many praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI would talk to your doctor about a temporary anxiety medication. You can take Zoloft while pregnant and breastfeeding. I've been taking it now for 4 years. It's made a huge difference in my life.
ReplyDeleteHoney this is so normal... It's tough, I know. My pregnancy with Alex was so stress filled and losing him on top of Nick and Sophie... God, I dont have words. But it taught me that I have very little control and that I needed to enjoy every single second. Bobby and Maya's pregnancy was much easier
ReplyDeleteMaggie, I went through this with all 3 of mine even though I haven't experienced a loss. It really is a normal part of having a new baby. There would be something wrong if a new mother didn't ever worry about those things! I know this is more intense for you because of Aidan so yes, it could help to get some therapy and/or meds. I was so worried about SIDS that I bought a monitor called Angel Care I think. It has a motion sensor pad that goes under the baby's mattress and if there is mo movement for 20 seconds an alarm will sound. I have used this with all 3 of my kids and it helped give me more peace of mind so I didn't constantly feel like I had to check on them. Don't get me wrong, I would still check, it just helped me relax a little. And for the record, every night before I go to bed I still check on all of them to make sure they are breathing even though Lily is 6 and Ollie is 4 1/2! It's a completely normal mommy thing to worry about! :)
ReplyDeleteAn Angelcare monitor may give you peace of mind. Morgan has reflux and has been vomiting through her nose..and it sounds like it gets stuck in there & I just keep thinking she's going to choke on all of it. She's right beside me & i'm the worlds lightest sleeper, but still.
ReplyDeleteI had horrible anxiety after Peyton was born, and I can say I've never had anxiety before, in my life. I would just picture these horrid scenarios and play them out in my mind. Never of me hurting her..but just what if. In the beginning it was related to her not breathing and how would I do the CPR and what if I couldnt' find my phone to call for help. We don't have a landline & my cell is forever lost. Then it progressed to dropping her off somewhere & what if this car ran into them and I watched the whole thing..what would happen. It slowly went away & came back while pregnant with Morgan..and again slowly went away. I would say it's minimal right now at 5 weeks post partum. But it got worse with Peyton later than this. I felt awkward talking to my dr. I knew I didn't want to take medicine & I don't have time for therapy, I already need therapy for childhood stuff lol. So, I just talk myself through it, and put it out of my head. If you have access to a great dr and/or therapist I say go for it. It's not going to hurt anything.
Hugs.
I am just begining the ordeal of sleepless nights with my new little guy.. I am just as terrified with the worst case senerio's happening.. I am here to talk about it too as a fellow BLM to another.. We are on yet another part of our grief / life journey.
ReplyDelete{{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteI was just like you...Anderson is now 4 months old and we had him in our room on his crib mattress on the floor. I would wake up constantly and look at him. Then I heard about this Baby Monitor called the Angelcare sound and movement Monitor. It has saved my marriage and my life. It detects your child's heartbeat and you can actually see it on the monitor. If the baby stops breathing for 15 seconds, the alarm goes off. This monitor has given us peace of mind and I am now able to have Anderson in his own crib in his own room. I purchased mine at Toys R us. I had no idea such a device existed. It is worth all the money in the world to me. with a 20% off coupon, I got it for 80 dollars. look into it. It will help with your anxiety guaranteed!
ReplyDelete