Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I'm calling this progress

Much to the chagrin of my co-worker, I have the Time Hop app on my phone. Normally I can be trusted with that app, but not in January early February. Last week I was looking at it and was confused. There was a post where I asked for prayers because we were burying Aidan that day. I completely forgot the day we buried him and the next day where we had his service. This doesn't make me upset, I feel like maybe I'm progressing a little. Now his birth and death dates are still terribly difficult and they always will be, but I'm glad that I'm making baby steps!

I'm still upset about Snoopers. I miss him so much! After Aidan died I tried so hard to see him. Well, I see Snoop running in the field near my house. I see his floppy ears and his tongue hanging out the side. I can also see him when I'm laying in bed and him passing in front of the bedroom door. Before anyone calls to get me hauled off, I am sane. I've just been so used to seeing him that my mind can still see him. We are talking about getting another dog at some point. I'm getting closer to being ready. I've always had a dog so being without one has been weird. So that's where I'm at now. Not hurting as bad, but still hurt. 

I love you Aidan Christopher, Lucas Alexander, Alexis Marie and Snoopers!


Monday, February 10, 2014

A boy and his dog

I hate posting this, but I hate the reality even more. Snoopy is gone. Aidan finally has the chance to play with his puppy. Friday night, Snoopy was doing great. Playing with Lucas, begging for food and acting normal. Saturday morning, I came downstairs and saw Snoopy's food still on the floor. I knew something was up. Snoopy doesn't leave food. Snoop was sitting on Chris' lap snuggling and slowly got up to snuggle with me. When he jumped off the couch, it took all of his energy just to lay back down. He wouldn't lay down, he'd just flop. Chris and I both tried to ignore it. Maybe he was just having an off day. Then we heard the labored breathing... Since Lucas was up and not wanting to scare him, I sent Chris a text to ask if he wanted me to call my parents to watch the kids. We decided to wait a little bit to see if maybe he was just having an off morning. Snoopy did end up eating a portion of his breakfast and got his medicine with peanut butter, his favorite treat. Chris called the vet and they wanted to examine Snoop. So off we went. Before we left, Chris and Lucas took Snoop for a walk. Wanted Snoopy to enjoy the snow and for Lucas to have that extra time with him. We took the kids to my parents and we made sure that Lucas gave him a big hug and kiss. We didn't tell him where we were going, but just said he was going to play with baboo and pepe.

At the vet, Snoopy just plopped down on the floor. He's a beagle and beagles love to sniff. The vet was amazing. She offered to triage him to try to buy him more time. That would have been great for us, but not for Snoopy. They took us to a nicer more private room and then brought Snoopy in. We just sat there petting him, telling him we love him and to say hi to Aidan for us. I have no idea how much time went by. It could have been a minute or 10, all I know is that it wasn't enough. It would never be enough though. We knew Snoopy knew. He was shaking, it could have been the iv in his arm, and honest to God, a little tear came out. When it was time, I was at eye level with Snoopy with complete eye contact rubbing him. He went quickly. I thought I would have more time, but that's not how the process works. I made a scream that Chris said he hasn't heard since Aidan passed. We just sat there crying and petting him. As I told the vet, I was just expecting him to move his head to look at us. We loved on him and when his body started to get cold, I knew it was time for us to leave. I joked with Chris that we weren't going to stay until 4:44 like we did with Aidan. :-)

We decided to have him cremated. Part of his ashes will be sprinkled over Aidan and the rest will be put in the ground when we plant a bush in our backyard for him. My grieving will be long and difficult, just like it was/is with Aidan. Snoopy was my first baby and he's been my support for the past 12 years. He has loved on me during my worst times and protecting my kids as his own. We will get another dog, at some point, but please don't tell me to "just get another one." We need to be at peace with losing Snoopy and ready to open our hearts again. This is the longest I've ever been without a dog and I'm okay with that for some time. No dog will replace my Snoop and I need to come to terms with him being gone. I still look at the couch for him, I still hold my leg out when I open the door. For crying out loud, literally, I cried in Meijer at the pet section. So give me, us, time please. I'll be writing about our grief on here just as I did with Aidan. I need my feelings to be said.

RIP Snoopy Lawrence H. You are so intensely loved and missed!

I love you Aidan Christopher, please take care of your Snoopy! I love you Lucas Alexander and Alexis Marie!

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Happy 4th birthday!

Happy birthday sweet Aidan Christopher! I can't believe it's been 4 years since you were born. We're having cupcakes and sending you balloons to celebrate your birth! Your little brother loves sending you balloons and hopefully your sister will too.

We love you so much and miss you so much! Thank you for watching over us and being our sweet baby boy.

I love you Aidan Christopher!


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Update on Snoopy

Well he's still with us! Right before the new year we thought it was time. The tumor on his throat was much larger and he just looked sick. We were getting ready to call the vet. All of a sudden, the next day, he looked amazing. Tumor went down in size and he was running around like his normal self. We aren't dumb, we know his time is coming, but we'll take whatever good days he has left. He goes to the vet on the 18th for an assessment on how he's doing. Keep playin' Snoop! We love you!

Love you Aidan Christopher, Lucas Alexander, Alexis Marie and Snoop dog.


Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!
I'm currently bursting at the seams with happiness. My life went down an unexpected path and at the time, I never thought I'd be happy be again. Slowly, with time, I've gotten happier. With Lucas being our first take home baby I started to see the light again. Watching him grow up and looking through his eyes at the world has brought the sparkle back to my eyes. Now with Alexis here, my heart is exploding with happiness. Aidan is forever with us and I will always miss him, but I'm enjoying life again. I know he is happy about that and one day a LONG time from now, I will be with him again. I'm just so happy that I'm this happy again.

Snoopy is still with us. I've been begging for him to make it through Christmas. I just need one more Christmas with him. The steroids are making him feel good. He's bouncing around and running around. A very good friend from high school came to our house recently and got some amazing pictures of us with Snoopy. I'm so lucky to have her and to call her a friend. 

I hope you all have a wonderful and Merry Christmas!

I love you Aidan Christoper, Lucas Alexander and Alexis Marie!


Thursday, December 5, 2013


Our 12 year old puppy, Snoopy is sick. We found out on 11/26 that Snoop has lymphoma. Our first baby only has 1-2 months to live. Talk about being devastated. We've had Snoopy since December 2001. The same month I found out my childhood beagle was put down due to cancer while I was at school. My parents didn't want me to screw up my finals so they didn't tell me. My last memories with Schotzy was playing with her. Well I don't have that option this time. I'm the mommy so I have to make sure Lucas' last memories with Snoopy is playing with him. Right now he still has a lot of life in him. He runs around outside playing with his tennis ball or running away from Lucas. The moment he appears to be in pain, we'll make a decision.
Currently he is on prednisone to keep him comfortable. It will make the tumor on his neck less swollen and he'll feel great on it. What I was told is that when it's done working, that's when we'll know it's time. We/I'm taking pictures daily of Snoop and making sure Lucas gets lots of snuggles. I'm extremely upset that Alexis won't be able to play with him, but I can't focus on that. He is living the beagle life right now. Lots of treats, a new tennis ball, going for walks and sleeping wherever. Okay the only thing that has changed is the lots of treats.

I love you Aidan Christopher, Lucas Alexander, Alexis Marie and Snoopy Lawrence


Friday, November 22, 2013

Meet Jelly

Alexis Marie 
12:49 PM
6 lbs 8 oz 19 in
Our last picture as a family of 3

I woke up bright and early Monday morning. Just had to wait for the rest of the house to get up. Finally everyone was up and everyone ate while I made sure I had everything I needed. 

 Lucas had his backpack full of things to keep him occupied during the surgery. Ignore the fact the bag is almost bigger than him.
 Visiting Aidan before going to the hospital. Both boys got a balloon for being the big brothers.

My last belly picture
Time for the little boy (and the rest of the family) to go to the waiting room.
 I watched the entire surgery. I could see the reflection in the light. It was amazing to be able to watch her come out.

She's here! Alexis Marie has arrived safely!

I was able to do skin to skin with her in the OR while being stiched up. One of my favorite LC's was in the OR (along with some of my other favorite people)to get Alexis on me right away.
 Lucas was our visitor. I wanted him back to me as soon as I was able to have visitors. Then the rest of the family came back to meet Alexis. 
I'm nursing Alexis and it's been tough. She was content with essentially starving herself so she could sleep. After slow gain and a week of no gain I just pumped. Then when she was 2 months old I decided to see if she'd latch and well the rest is history. I nurse her when I get home from work and occasionally before bed. She takes a bottle wonderfully, which is good since she stays with grandma during the day.

 From her newborn pictures


And now our princess is almost 3 months old. Sigh... it goes so fast

I love you Aidan Christopher, Lucas Alexander and Alexis Marie