After posting here and talking to my grief counselor I'm feeling a lot better, anxiety wise. It doesn't help that Chris went out of town and I was "alone" with Lucas. My mom came to stay with me and I went to their house. I still took care of him myself, but it was nice to have my arms free for awhile. I talked to my grief counselor and she reaffirmed that we're doing everything right. She still wants me to talk to Dr. B on Monday about my feelings and a friend of mine has given me a number to a therapist that deals with pregnancy/infant loss and most of my anxiety stems from losing Aidan. Many people suggested that we get the Angel Care monitor. We thought about it while I was pregnant, but decided against getting it. We still have decided that we don't want that monitor. I think the reason my anxiety got so bad was that Chris was going out of town and what if something happened while he was gone. Then it would be my fault and I couldn't handle that fear. Amazingly this week went very smooth and I'm feeling a lot more confident in this whole mom thing.
I'm really looking forward to the weather getting warmer and staying warm! We still haven't taken Lucas out to visit Aidan and that makes me sad but with the weather so unpredictable I don't want Lucas to catch a cold. We talk to Aidan every night, but I still want a picture of my babies "together." I go back to work in 2 weeks :-( so I'm trying to enjoy these last 16 or 18 days (depending on what day I start) snuggling with Lucas all day. My mother in law will be watching him and only lives about 10 minutes from my work so if I need to stop by and see him during lunch I can.
I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!
Maggs
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I'm glad things are going so much better. Bringing a baby home is a joy (and people talk about that part till the cows come home) but it's a huge, scary, anxiety producing adjustment too- and the more we talk about it the less power it has over us! Go you!!
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