I'm calling this progress

Much to the chagrin of my co-worker, I have the Time Hop app on my phone. Normally I can be trusted with that app, but not in January early February. Last week I was looking at it and was confused. There was a post where I asked for prayers because we were burying Aidan that day. I completely forgot the day we buried him and the next day where we had his service. This doesn't make me upset, I feel like maybe I'm progressing a little. Now his birth and death dates are still terribly difficult and they always will be, but I'm glad that I'm making baby steps!

I'm still upset about Snoopers. I miss him so much! After Aidan died I tried so hard to see him. Well, I see Snoop running in the field near my house. I see his floppy ears and his tongue hanging out the side. I can also see him when I'm laying in bed and him passing in front of the bedroom door. Before anyone calls to get me hauled off, I am sane. I've just been so used to seeing him that my mind can still see him. We are talking about getting another dog at some point. I'm getting closer to being ready. I've always had a dog so being without one has been weird. So that's where I'm at now. Not hurting as bad, but still hurt. 

I love you Aidan Christopher, Lucas Alexander, Alexis Marie and Snoopers!

Maggs

A boy and his dog

I hate posting this, but I hate the reality even more. Snoopy is gone. Aidan finally has the chance to play with his puppy. Friday night, Snoopy was doing great. Playing with Lucas, begging for food and acting normal. Saturday morning, I came downstairs and saw Snoopy's food still on the floor. I knew something was up. Snoopy doesn't leave food. Snoop was sitting on Chris' lap snuggling and slowly got up to snuggle with me. When he jumped off the couch, it took all of his energy just to lay back down. He wouldn't lay down, he'd just flop. Chris and I both tried to ignore it. Maybe he was just having an off day. Then we heard the labored breathing... Since Lucas was up and not wanting to scare him, I sent Chris a text to ask if he wanted me to call my parents to watch the kids. We decided to wait a little bit to see if maybe he was just having an off morning. Snoopy did end up eating a portion of his breakfast and got his medicine with peanut butter, his favorite treat. Chris called the vet and they wanted to examine Snoop. So off we went. Before we left, Chris and Lucas took Snoop for a walk. Wanted Snoopy to enjoy the snow and for Lucas to have that extra time with him. We took the kids to my parents and we made sure that Lucas gave him a big hug and kiss. We didn't tell him where we were going, but just said he was going to play with baboo and pepe.

At the vet, Snoopy just plopped down on the floor. He's a beagle and beagles love to sniff. The vet was amazing. She offered to triage him to try to buy him more time. That would have been great for us, but not for Snoopy. They took us to a nicer more private room and then brought Snoopy in. We just sat there petting him, telling him we love him and to say hi to Aidan for us. I have no idea how much time went by. It could have been a minute or 10, all I know is that it wasn't enough. It would never be enough though. We knew Snoopy knew. He was shaking, it could have been the iv in his arm, and honest to God, a little tear came out. When it was time, I was at eye level with Snoopy with complete eye contact rubbing him. He went quickly. I thought I would have more time, but that's not how the process works. I made a scream that Chris said he hasn't heard since Aidan passed. We just sat there crying and petting him. As I told the vet, I was just expecting him to move his head to look at us. We loved on him and when his body started to get cold, I knew it was time for us to leave. I joked with Chris that we weren't going to stay until 4:44 like we did with Aidan. :-)

We decided to have him cremated. Part of his ashes will be sprinkled over Aidan and the rest will be put in the ground when we plant a bush in our backyard for him. My grieving will be long and difficult, just like it was/is with Aidan. Snoopy was my first baby and he's been my support for the past 12 years. He has loved on me during my worst times and protecting my kids as his own. We will get another dog, at some point, but please don't tell me to "just get another one." We need to be at peace with losing Snoopy and ready to open our hearts again. This is the longest I've ever been without a dog and I'm okay with that for some time. No dog will replace my Snoop and I need to come to terms with him being gone. I still look at the couch for him, I still hold my leg out when I open the door. For crying out loud, literally, I cried in Meijer at the pet section. So give me, us, time please. I'll be writing about our grief on here just as I did with Aidan. I need my feelings to be said.

RIP Snoopy Lawrence H. You are so intensely loved and missed!

9/2001-2/8/2014

I love you Aidan Christopher, please take care of your Snoopy! I love you Lucas Alexander and Alexis Marie!

 

Maggie

Happy 4th birthday!

Happy birthday sweet Aidan Christopher! I can't believe it's been 4 years since you were born. We're having cupcakes and sending you balloons to celebrate your birth! Your little brother loves sending you balloons and hopefully your sister will too.

We love you so much and miss you so much! Thank you for watching over us and being our sweet baby boy.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

Update on Snoopy

Well he's still with us! Right before the new year we thought it was time. The tumor on his throat was much larger and he just looked sick. We were getting ready to call the vet. All of a sudden, the next day, he looked amazing. Tumor went down in size and he was running around like his normal self. We aren't dumb, we know his time is coming, but we'll take whatever good days he has left. He goes to the vet on the 18th for an assessment on how he's doing. Keep playin' Snoop! We love you!

Love you Aidan Christopher, Lucas Alexander, Alexis Marie and Snoop dog.

Maggs

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

I'm currently bursting at the seams with happiness. My life went down an unexpected path and at the time, I never thought I'd be happy be again. Slowly, with time, I've gotten happier. With Lucas being our first take home baby I started to see the light again. Watching him grow up and looking through his eyes at the world has brought the sparkle back to my eyes. Now with Alexis here, my heart is exploding with happiness. Aidan is forever with us and I will always miss him, but I'm enjoying life again. I know he is happy about that and one day a LONG time from now, I will be with him again. I'm just so happy that I'm this happy again.

Snoopy is still with us. I've been begging for him to make it through Christmas. I just need one more Christmas with him. The steroids are making him feel good. He's bouncing around and running around. A very good friend from high school came to our house recently and got some amazing pictures of us with Snoopy. I'm so lucky to have her and to call her a friend. 

I hope you all have a wonderful and Merry Christmas!

I love you Aidan Christoper, Lucas Alexander and Alexis Marie!

Maggs

Snoopy

Our 12 year old puppy, Snoopy is sick. We found out on 11/26 that Snoop has lymphoma. Our first baby only has 1-2 months to live. Talk about being devastated. We've had Snoopy since December 2001. The same month I found out my childhood beagle was put down due to cancer while I was at school. My parents didn't want me to screw up my finals so they didn't tell me. My last memories with Schotzy was playing with her. Well I don't have that option this time. I'm the mommy so I have to make sure Lucas' last memories with Snoopy is playing with him. Right now he still has a lot of life in him. He runs around outside playing with his tennis ball or running away from Lucas. The moment he appears to be in pain, we'll make a decision.
Currently he is on prednisone to keep him comfortable. It will make the tumor on his neck less swollen and he'll feel great on it. What I was told is that when it's done working, that's when we'll know it's time. We/I'm taking pictures daily of Snoop and making sure Lucas gets lots of snuggles. I'm extremely upset that Alexis won't be able to play with him, but I can't focus on that. He is living the beagle life right now. Lots of treats, a new tennis ball, going for walks and sleeping wherever. Okay the only thing that has changed is the lots of treats.

I love you Aidan Christopher, Lucas Alexander, Alexis Marie and Snoopy Lawrence

Maggs

Meet Jelly

Alexis Marie 

8/26/2013

12:49 PM

6 lbs 8 oz 19 in

Our last picture as a family of 3

I woke up bright and early Monday morning. Just had to wait for the rest of the house to get up. Finally everyone was up and everyone ate while I made sure I had everything I needed. 

 Lucas had his backpack full of things to keep him occupied during the surgery. Ignore the fact the bag is almost bigger than him.

 Visiting Aidan before going to the hospital. Both boys got a balloon for being the big brothers.

My last belly picture

Time for the little boy (and the rest of the family) to go to the waiting room.

 I watched the entire surgery. I could see the reflection in the light. It was amazing to be able to watch her come out.

She's here! Alexis Marie has arrived safely!

I was able to do skin to skin with her in the OR while being stiched up. One of my favorite LC's was in the OR (along with some of my other favorite people)to get Alexis on me right away.

 Lucas was our visitor. I wanted him back to me as soon as I was able to have visitors. Then the rest of the family came back to meet Alexis. 

I'm nursing Alexis and it's been tough. She was content with essentially starving herself so she could sleep. After slow gain and a week of no gain I just pumped. Then when she was 2 months old I decided to see if she'd latch and well the rest is history. I nurse her when I get home from work and occasionally before bed. She takes a bottle wonderfully, which is good since she stays with grandma during the day.

 From her newborn pictures

 

And now our princess is almost 3 months old. Sigh... it goes so fast

I love you Aidan Christopher, Lucas Alexander and Alexis Marie

 

Maggs

Feel like writing again

I read a blog post about writing everything down so when the kid grows up, she'll remember everything. This got me to thinking that I need to write things down. 

A lot has changed since I last wrote on April 27. Long story short. We sold our house, lived with my parents for 3 weeks, had a baby (she'll get her own post later) and moved into our forever house.

Longer version:

After doing some changes to our house, installing a new back door and putting down laminate hardwood we decided to put our house on the market. We had a 3 bedroom 2 1/2 bath 1300 sq ft house. So space was tight already and with a baby on the way we decided it was time. We packed up half the house, met with our realtor and put that bad boy on the market. Then we waited, we had 21 showings and one day before the 1 month mark we got an offer. We accepted the offer so it was time to start looking. We looked at a lot of houses and was thisclose to just settling. I mean I was 8 months pregnant, I was getting desperate. We went to one last house before putting an offer on another house. Walked in and knew right that minute it was the one. Then we saw the rest of the house and I said "that's it, I'm home." We put the offer in that night and the scheduled closing date was 3 DAYS before my scheduled c-section. Yeah, we were crazy. We moved in with my parents for 3 weeks. That was a curse and a blessing. I was 9 months pregnant and wanted my space, but had none. Plus I'm not the nicest person when I'm at the end of pregnancy. Add in hot summer and it's a shock that my parents didn't kick us out. It was, however, awesome because they would keep Lucas entertained, we always had a hot home cooked meal when we got home from work and my mom bought me as much watermelon as I could eat (which was a lot). 
The week of our closing was awful! The guy in charge of the appraisal just sat on the paperwork so that delayed our closing. We were no longer on schedule to move into the house before the baby arrived. I felt lost. I didn't have my own home like I was supposed to and the details were up in the air. Finally the closing got rescheduled for Wednesday. Again I had a baby on MONDAY and closing on Wednesday. SURPRISE that didn't happen. The owner said she wasn't ready and closing needed to be Thursday. So the title company sent a rep to my hospital room so I could sign the documents, then took the documents to the closing and we finally had our house. Chris had to scramble to get everything from my parent's house to our house before getting us. Baby and I sat on the couch while Chris' family moved most of our stuff in. We slept in the dinning room on my parent's guest bed and Lucas slept in the living room in his bed. It was crazy. If I had to do it over again...I would have been calling the appraiser every.single.damn.day!

Our new house is wonderful. We now have 4 bedrooms 2 1/2 baths a loft, office,dinning room and an amazing kitchen/living room area with 3100 sq ft. The backyard is huge and fully fenced which Snoopy loves! I'm so happy to be home.

Next up...Baby gets her post!

I love you Aidan Christopher, Lucas Alexander and Jelly 

Maggs

Jelly/3peat is...

So I'm 20 weeks and feeling great! I'm up about 14lbs on my scale (dr's says 16lbs)and baby is moving and grooving a lot! My braxton hicks contractions started early again this time, around 16w, but other than those smooth sailing. Well minus my anxiety, but I now go to the dr every 2 weeks so I won't really have time for anymore anxiety.Here is my 20 week belly picture. As I posted last time, our work bathroom got renovated!

3peat has a new nickname now. My work BFF is pregnant and due 2 months after me. I've known the whole time (just like she's known about me the whole time), but I couldn't say why I changed 3peat's nickname. I call her fetus Peanut Butter so it's only fitting that mine is Jelly. Plus I call Lucas peanut butter so it would be weird to call the baby that too. 

Here is our little Jelly...

Oh and drumroll please. Jelly is.......

 Yup, it's true! I finally get my little girl! She had her booty in the air showing off her goods and the tech said 100% girl. Thankfully I have so many more u/s to confirm, but I saw right away that she's a girl. As always, she won't have a name until she's born. She does however have lots of clothes coming!

Even with our tragic loss of Aidan, we are so blessed to have our two boys and our little girl. 

I love you Aidan Christopher, Lucas Alexander and Little miss Jelly!

Maggs
 

A lot has been happening

Every day I think about blogging, but I don't know what to write about. This blog was such a huge help for the early stages of grieving. It was a huge help getting through the anxiety of being pregnant after a loss and now it's just hanging out getting cobwebs. I primarily use facebook to update family on how Lucas is doing so I don't feel the need to blog as much.

I should though since it did help me with the anxiety of being pregnant after a loss with Lucas. My anxiety this time is much higher! With Aidan we lost hopes and dreams, but we didn't know what it was like to be parents. Now we do and we know even more of what we'll lose if something happens. I've only made one additional appointment because my anxiety was awful. Then the following week for a regular appointment, Dr. B had a hard time finding the heart beat. She found it eventually and it is nice and strong, but that hasn't helped my anxiety at all.

This pregnancy seems to be flying by! I'm 17 weeks already and have a nice size bump. We find out the baby's sex on 4/22 (18 days, but who is counting?) I'm almost done being a normal pregnant lady and start moving into the office. Hopefully that will help my anxiety too.

Here's the last picture of my work bathroom looking like this. We have new bathrooms now!

 I love you Aidan Christopher, Lucas Alexander and Jelly 

Maggie

Reason for the silence

I know I don't post very often, but this time there has been a reason.  Aidan and Lucas are going to be big brothers!!!! We found out on 12/31 because I got heart burn from eating a pretzel. The plans that we had for New Years fell through so I didn't have to worry about drinking. Until the next day when my mom called to invite us over and we normally have a couple of drinks with my parents. I told them I was doing a 60 day challenge. My mom saw through that, but I still said that was the reason for my no drinking. lol

We saw 3peat at the end of January with a perfect heart rate of 170. The day we saw the baby...the same day my parents left for Florida. So we had to wait a week before telling them. Both sets of parents are very excited to meet this kid at the end of August. My technical due date is 9/9 so my c/s will be around 8/26. Dr. B will be keeping a close eye on this one just like we did with Lucas. The only difference is that I'm a "normal" patient up until 22w and with Lucas I was never normal, I was in every 2 weeks. My anxiety is pretty high right now, but I have my next appointment at 12w next Wednesday.

Thankfully a girlfriend of mine who also had a loss is due 4 days before me so she has really helped me out with my anxiety.

If my stupid google+ would work I'd post a picture, but alas it does not. 

I love you Aidan Christopher, Lucas Alexander and 3peat!

Maggs

Aidan's birthday recap

Was amazing! "My Susan" (my bereavement coordinator/some big wig title of being the backbone support of starting Aidan's Book Corner) surprised me on Aidan's birthday. I thought I was going to the hospital to meet up with Jeff from Barnes and Noble of Noblesville to collect their donation from the Holiday Book Drive. What really happened is I walked into a surprise party for "National Aidan's Book Corner Day". It was perfect! My friend Melissa, from support group, was there along with reps from both the Carmel/Westfield and Noblesville Barnes and Noble. There were nurses and other staff from the hospital were standing there clapping as I walked around the corner. Mind you, I was crying when I saw what was going on and of course they had photographer there.

The community donated, are you ready for this, fourteen HUNDRED books combined to the two Barnes and Noble stores. Talk about being blown away! I also had friends sending me pictures of books that they were dropping off to their local hospitals. My friend Stephanie, who started Run 4 Everett in her son's memory, donated 63 books! Talk about being overwhelmed with books. Thankfully, the Noblesville B&N store donated a hand painted cart (by one of their employees) to store the books in Susan's office.

It was a perfect day. I laughed, I cried and I napped (hey, I had the day off and had been overwhelmed). The day was exactly what I wanted it to be, a celebration of Aidan's life. A celebration of what I have created in his memory. This year has been the most manageable in terms of anxiety and guilt. In fact I didn't play the "what-if" game that plagued me last year. I'm not going to say it's getting easier, because it's not. I miss my Aidster, but I know he's smiling down on us. 

Tomorrow is Chris birthday/Aidan's angel day. We are going to celebrate the birth of Chris (Thanks Larry and Nancy) and also mourn Aidan. We will visit him and cry and then be off to eat birthday cake. This is the first year (I know it's only been 3) that I'm making the focus be on Chris' birthday. Aidan is always in my heart and my mind, but I have to make sure that Chris gets to celebrate his birthday.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

Aidan's birthday

Aidan's birthday is less than a week away, February 1st. I want to do something HUGE for his birthday and I need your help. With the help of Aidan's Book Corner, we want to make February 1st "National Book Donation" day. We need everyone to buy a *new* book and take it to your local hospital with a NICU. Drop off the book and give them a flyer about Aidan's Book Corner. Tomorrow I will post a flyer.

Another option is to go through http://p3682.myubam.com/142800. Becky is a consultant for Usborne Books & More. The above link goes to her page where she has pledge to donate dollar for dollar, books that are purchased through her. You select your shipping area code, but then can select on the next pay free shipping and Becky will be sending the books directly to Community North. All purchases made between now and January 30th at 10pm will be matched by Becky.

Please help get the word out. I know Aidan will be proud!

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggie

Family pictures

Last week we had family pictures taken at the Indiana Museum of Arts by Taylor. We had a fresh snow and my goodness it was cold! Lucas was a trooper and had a blast playing in the snow. I'm so thrilled with how the pictures turned out!

 He sat down by himself like this.

 That nose...that perfect nose that he shares with his brother.

His first time going downhill sledding!

I'm so happy with these pictures. I'm so glad that we had them done.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs 

Happy New Year!

Picture from here

I hope everyone has a wonder 2013! I'm so excited to see what 2013 brings to my family. My resolution this year is to continue eating healthy and exercising. I also want to get our house ready to put on the market this spring. Pretty easy ones this year, but they are attainable. I'm also starting the planning of Lucas' 2nd birthday. It will be choo choo good time!

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

3rd Christmas

Yesterday was our 3rd Christmas without Aidan. It still isn't any easier. We got up late, 9:30 when we had to be at the inlaws at 10. I'm so glad I slept in. I hate being alone Christmas morning while I wait on Chris and Lucas to wake up. I got a little teary eyed while we were there. When we were done there, we went to visit Aidan. It was really cold and I was not dressed properly for standing outside for as long as I did. I just stood there sobbing. I just miss him so much. Scratch that, we all miss him so much. Lucas was worn out from playing with his toys, but we woke him up to go with us. As we were leaving his sleepily said "bye bye Aidan". Cue more sobs. I love that Lucas can say Aidan's name.

When we got home, Lucas and Chris took a nap while I went to the NICU to pass out books for Aidan's Book Corner. It was very bittersweet. I'm so thankful that Ingrid and Amber were working. I needed them, a lot. All the nurses are so wonderful and really appreciate what I created for them. It makes my heart happy to give the books out and to see the appreciation on the faces of parents and staff.

I left the hospital and went home to snuggle Lucas. He, however, wanted nothing to do with me because there were more gifts to open. With us sleeping in, we did Christmas before we went to my parents house. Speaking of my parents. My mom has been sick for a couple of weeks and this past Friday she ended up getting admitted to the hospital. She was diagnosed with pneumonia, critically low sodium and potassium. She also had a staph infection. She was release on Monday so we were able to spend Christmas Eve with my entire family. Christmas afternoon/evening we hung out with my parents. I can't be alone for too long on Christmas. I know that it's okay to cry and I do that often, but the deep feelings of sadness I don't like. Of course no one likes that, but my way to avoid it is to stay busy.

I asked Chris, while standing in the cemetery, "When will the pain stop?" Of course we don't know the answer. Every day is easier, but there are and will always be triggers. I know the pain won't stop on certain days like Christmas, his birthday and his death day. I love him so incredibly much that the pain is from my desire to love him the way a mother is supposed to love her son. So I know every Christmas will have a moment or moments of hurt. It will also be filled with The Christmas Spirit, love and the sound of laughter coming from my families.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from my family to yours.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs
*This was scheduled to post last night, but clearly it didn't.

Fort Lauderdale

Over Thanksgiving we flew down to Fort Lauderdale for Chris' work. He had to be in the area for Black Friday so we went a few days early and stayed a few days longer. It was a nice workcation. Lucas went on an airplane for the first time and did an amazing job! He slept for most of the flight and when he wasn't asleep he was quietly playing with some toys and the tray in front of us.

 

 While Chris was working, Lucas and I spent some time with Chris' Aunt and Uncle. We went to a ginormous mall and walked around. We also spent Thanksgiving with them and it was wonderful! We didn't participate in Black Friday this year (would have added more luggage to bring on the plane) so instead we went to the beach.

 Of course Aidan went with us. :-) We only planned on putting our feet in, but the ocean had other plans.

 On Saturday we spent time with my Aunt and Uncle. Those pictures are on my phone and currently nugget has my phone. We drove down to Miami on Sunday and decided to drive towards Key West.

 We made it halfway to Key West and then it started getting dark so we turned around. We stopped in Key Largo and ate at Hobos Cafe and it was amazing!

 On our last night, we walked around Ft. Lauderdale. It was incredibly beautiful.

The flight home was just as easy. Lucas slept and played. We got a lot of comments on how wonderful he was.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander.

Maggs