Too fast?

I had a friend say to me today that she's impressed with my strength and how well I'm doing even though it's only been 3 weeks since Aidan passed. So that made me wonder.... Am I grieving too quickly?  I miss Aidan more than I can ever express, but that won't bring him back. When I'm feeling down and crying I get this feeling that everything will be okay and that it's normal to be sad. I also feel like someone has their arms wrapped around me. We went out with friends last night and we got to laughing so hard that we all were crying. At one point I almost started crying because I was having so much fun and I thought maybe I shouldn't be. But, that's not me. I love to have a good time and I love to laugh. Besides talking, Aidan heard me laugh more than anything else. While we were in his NICU room doing his hands on care we were constantly laughing. Even on his last day I was laughing while talking to him. Mostly because we were having such a difficult time changing his diaper. :-)

Basically I just want people reading this to know that even though I seem like regular Maggie, I'm not. I know that this is normal and no one is expecting Chris or I to "get over it" by a certain time. I am weak, but I have such an amazing support system that gives me the strength I need to take the next step.

We went to visit Aidan today. We made sure to say hi to Kern, the old guy who's next to Aidan.  I told Aidan that if he gets bored to go hang out with his uncles and all of the other angel babies. I like to vision him up there playing with everyone and then snuggling up with his great grandparents. It's thoughts like that, that make me smile.   

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

Sometimes I feel alone

I feel like no one really knows what I'm going through. No one knows this kind of pain, but then I'm reminded of my new friends that I've met because of Aidan's passing.  They've gone through similar losses and are still waiting for answers. I also have my parents who lost twin boys when my mom was 6 months pregnant. We didn't talk much about Matthew or Francis (he is a jr so I'm not going to post my dad's full name) growing up. They are my sister's younger brothers and my older brothers.  Even though I don't know them, I talk to them regularly and ask them to take good care of their nephew.

I know that all of us will be okay and one day soon we'll have our healthy babies in our arms. Love you : Mom, Jillian's mommy, Mary's mommy, Katie's mommy, Olivia's mommy, Hudson's mommy, Nolan's mommy, Lilah's mommy and all the mom's to angel babies.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

Got a call from Dr. B

Dr. B called Dr H. (The NICU pediatrician) and the preliminary autopsy came back.  Once again we got no new information. The bleed and the "profound" anemia are what caused Aidan to pass, which we already knew. If Dr. B gets anymore information before our next appointment on the 16th she'll give me a call.

It sucks that we're getting the answer of it was a fluke or just happened because that doesn't give us a plan for the next pregnancy.... I can't pop a pill to keep the blood flowing in my cord. I'm just so terrified to try again, but my desire to be a mom and to have a baby very much outweighs that fear. Plus I have my little man watching over me.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

I got some results back

Nothing from my dr, but I did find out yesterday that my blood work all came back negative for donating my breast milk. I went to the milk bank today to donate about 54 more oz and while I was there they gave me a tour. They showed me where they pasteurize the milk and she told me the supply that I dropped off last week and what they picked up from the hospital was in the process of being pasteurized.  It was really neat to see it and it made me happy to be doing this in Aidan's memory. She let me know that my milk will be going to premature babies to help them grow strong.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I'm so happy to be helping other babies in your name

Maggs

First day driving

I'm going to lunch today with my co-worker, Donna. Of course it's snowing today and it's my first time driving in a month. I've always loved the snow and I love it a lot more because it snowed a lot during Aidan's short life. I'm nervous to see everyone because I know I will cry, but I want to get the awkwardness out of the way before I go back for a full day. As long as I have my two pictures that Natalie took of Aidan for us I'll be ok. Yes, those pictures are my security blanket. I have them on my phone as well in case I can't take the actual pictures with me. 

I can tell that I'm starting to get better. I actually asked my mom if we can go to Michaels, I want to pick up a memory box. I don't know if I'm ready to take the diaper and goggles out of my purse, but when I am I want to have a place to protect them and show them off. I also need to pick something up to protect the impressions of Aidan's hands and feet. Oh and I'm also excited that the 3 plants that we got are still alive! Woo hoo. Normally plants and flowers die the day after I get my hands on them.

Yesterday my mom and I went to Steak n Shake and talked. We were there for about an hour and a half. I cried while telling some stories, but we laughed a lot. We laughed about Aidan raising his hand when Dr. B made the first incision and the fact that the nurses had to "tie" him down because he would wiggle so much. It was really nice. I also talked to my best friend, which is normal because I talk to her every day, but she kept reminding me that I didn't do anything to cause the cord to fail. I already know, but it's nice when a nurse reminds you.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

Home from the Dr

I was absolutely terrified as we got closer to the hospital.  It felt like a big scary building that was going to eat us up. Yes I watch far too much Cartoon Network. When I told Chris that he said hun, it's the place where we got to meet and get to know Aidan for 8 great days. Yeah....I love that guy! We passed Dr. O'Donnell's office, Aidan's neurologist. Part of me wanted to stop by and say hi, but we had things to do people to see. I was afraid that there was going to be a bazillion happy glowing pregnant woman in the waiting room, but there was only one other couple there. I think she was newly pregnant, she just had that look.

Dr B told us that all of my tests have come back negative. Which is good, but I wish we had answers as to why this happened. I go back in 3 weeks for my 6 weeks postpartum and I will get an u/s to make sure everything is healed. We'll also discuss what our steps will be in our next pregnancy and I'll get more blood tests. Hormones can alter the results, so why did I get stabbed in the arm 80 bazillion times while I was in the hospital? She still doesn't have the results of the autopsy, but she's going to call Dr. H, Aidan's dr, to talk to him and see if he has any results. She told us that we can start trying to conceive again in 6 months. She did tell me when I can go back to work, but I need to talk to my boss and HR before posting that on here.

She cried with us and is impressed with our attitudes and strength. When we started talking about the next pregnancy she said that it will probably be scary and I just said we have Aidan as our guardian angel this time. We also stopped at the NICU and I got to see Amber, the nurse that we had the day we found out that Aidan wasn't going to make it. While she was Aidan's nurse, she took care of me too. It was really nice to see her!

We also went and ordered Aidan's grave marker. We got Our Baby Aidan Christopher lastname Feb 1, 2010- Feb 9, 2010. There is an emblem of "In God's Hands" We went to put the temporary marker down and saw that my in-laws had been there. His mom got the book Goodnight Moon and covered Moon with Aidan. They love us so much and most importantly they love their grandson.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

Hope to get some answers today

I have a follow up appointment today to make sure I'm healing okay. I hope that we can get some answers and find out what our next steps are.  I'm terrified that we'll be told that we have to wait a year before we can start trying again. I'm also hoping that this week I'll find out if all the milk I've pumped can be used at the milk bank. Once we finish up with the dr we're going to the NICU to drop off all the disposable cameras that Michelle got and a couple nicu approved outfits.  I have a few preemie outfits, but I'm not ready to donate those. I think I'll donate those around my due date. After we get done with that we're going to the cemetery to see Aidan, pay the bill and pick out the grave maker.  I really can't believe my life is right now involves picking out a grave marker for my son. It was supposed to be washing all the clothes I got at my shower yesterday and putting everything together.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs