Thoughts

I miss my Aidan. I miss him a lot. I haven't posted much about him recently because I've been trying to hide my feelings. IRL people have been listening to me talk about him every day, but I was hiding it from my blog. Then I realized that my blog is the last place I have to hide my grief. For over the past year and a half you have all been there supporting me during my grief. So why would I think that would stop now. Well I know why, I've had some people (not close people) say well since you have Lucas you should be over it by now. Aidan is not an "it", he is my son and I will never be over losing him.

I don't have the mindset that if Aidan didn't die, I wouldn't have Lucas. I'm greedy and I want both my boys. When I was younger I used to say that if my brothers didn't die I wouldn't be here and now I feel extremely guilty for saying that. I don't want Lucas or any other children to think that or feel like that.
I spent a lot of Sunday looking for Christmas presents for Lucas which turned into a day of being in a funk. I miss him. I want to be shopping for toys for an almost two year old and an almost 1 year old (holy shit, almost 1?). It's not fair. I want my Aidan back.

I love Lucas more than I could possibly imagine and I'm so thankful and grateful that he's my son. He is the bright spot in my day, but sometimes it hurts so much to see him without his big brother. He hasn't filled the hole in my heart that is Aidan shaped (never was supposed to), but he has created his own space in there.

Long story short. I miss my baby and the upcoming holidays suck because I want him back.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander
Maggs