I'm not sure if I wrote about this early. I felt very guilty about everything during the month of July. I don't know if part of it was the new pregnancy, but I felt a lot of it. I felt guilty that my cord failed, i couldn't protect Aidan and then guilty that i haven't been head over heels in love with this baby. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing my heart again if we have another loss. Shockingly it hasn't been as terrifying as I thought it was going to be, but I'm still afraid. I cried every morning because I was afraid that Aidan would think that we are replacing him. I cried that I'm still mourning him so much that I'm being unfair to nugget.
I was then reminded by one of my bff's, Erin, that all of these emotions are okay. Aidan only ever knew love and up in heaven there isn't jealousy or anger. Aidan only knows how to love his little brother or sister. She also told me that I'm still being a good mom to Nugget, even though I'm still grieving. She told me that we didn't rush into things and that Nugget is just as loved.
Grief sucks! Guilt sucks just as much. Thankfully I haven't been feeling guilty anymore or if I do it's just little spurts instead of the entire month. I also have therapy to be thankful for. I can put all of my emotions out on the table (no, I haven't talked about my pregnancy at group, just the guilt) and be reminded that it's normal.
I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget
Maggs
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I hate the feeling of guilt more than anything in the world. I have felt guilty about eveything since we lost Ella. After we found out that she had anencephlay, all during my pregnancy I thought I would want to try again as soon as possible. Then after she was born, it was completely different. I couldn't even think about having another baby without extreme guilt. Now, I am to the point where I can think about it and feel some hope instead of all guilt(that may change tomorrow) I know that no other baby will ever replace Ella for me- and no other baby will ever replace Aidan for you. You are such a good mommy to Aidan and to Nugget! I am sure that they both know how much you love them!
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong Maggs. You were and are such a fantastic mom to Aiden and I know you'll be (and are being) just as wonderful to Nugget. I can't WAIT for you to find out whether it's a boy or a girl. Because my mom lost my sister Katie the year before I was born, we've done a lot of talking about her feelings during her pregnancy with me... and she said she experienced ALL of those same feelings that you just described. She said that what made her feel better though was that she knew Katie wanted her to be happy, and for her to be happy meant having another baby. Aiden knows that you are not replacing him :) Love you!
ReplyDeleteHUGE HUGS. You are an amazing mama and both Aidan and Nugget know how much you love them and want nothing but the best for them. I can't wait to keep reading about your journey!
ReplyDeleteI agree with all the rest of these ladies. I don't think I can say it any better than they did. You're an amazing mom to both Aidan and Nugget. ((((hugs))))
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