Will it get better?

Chris and I ran to Meijer to get some stuff tonight. As we were walking out there was a lady in front of us with a baby boy. That was hard, but she was covering him with one of the blankets that we registered for.  I realize that people will use those items, but it took all of me to not break down into tears.  I know it’s only been 4 1/2 months, but I really do want to be able to look at stranger’s babies and not have to fight back tears.

I know this will take time and I’m okay with that.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

New look

I went and got my hair done today. I love my stylist, she lets me talk and talk and talk. I got highlights and my hair trimmed. I love it! I'm going to take a picture of it later.  Of course my first thought was that I have to go to the cemetery so Aidan will know it's me.  Instead I went and picked up lunch because Aidan will always know it's me.  I've been uber uber stressed at work and not sleeping well. So that in turn makes me exhausted! Yesterday I was so tired that I took a nap at lunch. Now normally every Friday I go visit Aidan after work, but I couldn't go yesterday. I called my mom almost in tears and asked her if I was a bad mom to not go visit him.  She told me that Aidan wants me to be safe and to not get into a car accident because I was so tired. Also the fact that I talk to him all the time.  It's so weird the random guilt that pops up. I'm dealing with them and reminding myself that none of it is true.

Well we're off to visit my parent's and then our friends.  Have a great weekend!

Maggs

Happy Father’s Day

So we had a different type of Father’s Day yesterday. The joys of being in this awful club is fighting back tears while eating breakfast because we hear “Happy fadders day daddy, we lub you!” Or seeing the glowing daddy’s while they are enjoying their first fathers day.  Now we were with one of those glowing first father’s day daddy’s, but it wasn’t painful for us. He knows our story and knows how much we’re hurting. Heck he and his wife are still hurting as they lost a nephew.  I was fearing this day because of the obvious and that I didn’t want to “ruin” Dave’s first father’s day. We had a good time and I got to show Michelle all of Aidan’s pictures. We just sat and stared at each picture for 5 minutes each.  Plus I got to play with Bryson.  Seriously, one of the cutest babies! Overall, it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be. I know that we’ll have “Happy” Father’s Day in the future, but we’ll always have a boy missing. We’ll always have someone missing in our family pictures. I do plan on having something frog related in pictures so that way Aidan will be there, but it’s still not the same. It’s not okay, but it’s okay it’s the reality.

Aidan,

Hi sweetie. I hope you know how much mommy and daddy miss you! Daddy was sad yesterday because he misses you, but he’s so happy that he got to meet you and have so many special memories with you.  We were talking in the car about changing your diaper and how much we laughed while we struggled with the wires.  Aida, daddy would have taught you so much. He would have played catch with you, kicked the soccer ball around and been your # 2 cheerleader with everything that you would do. Mommy of course being your # 1 cheerleader. :-) We love you so much sweetie and want you here so badly.

Love you babycakes

Mommy

Happy Father’s Day to the most selfless, amazing and caring daddy!

Maggs

So much

I've had a lot of things that I've wanted to write the past week, but I'm working so much that when I get home I'm half asleep. Of course I could catch up now, but we just got home from Painesville, OH. 6 hour car trip in Chris's bosses' convertible. So on top of being tired in general from a road trip add in the wind and sun. Yeah I'm spent.

We went to Cleveland for a wedding and it was bitter sweet. It was supposed to Aidan's first wedding.  We needed this weekend get away.  We stayed with out best friend's Dave, Michelle and their baby boy Bryson.  Seriously, he's one of the cutest kids ever!!!! We had a blast and I'm so excited for our next trip.

So I'll write more later, but for now I'm going to bed.

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

Oh and I'm going to be a day late with my Father's Day post.

Happy Birthday to ME!

So today is my 27th birthday and I have to say that I’m sad to see 26 go. I had a pretty good year. Getting pregnant with Aidan was one of the best things in my life. Those 7 months with him in my belly were the best months, they don’t even touch the 8 days with him.  Yes the outcome was the worst outcome that no one should have to have go through, but I’m so lucky and thankful for him.  In my 26th year of life I realized the amount of love that I could have for someone I had never met, I realized what my parent’s went through with their losses, I found out what it was like for my mom to have me (she had a c-section too) and most importantly I met Aidan. Some would think that I would be glad to see 26 go since we lost Aidan, but meeting him changed me. I focus on meeting him.

I have some very exciting news…no I’m not pregnant. We’re not ready, but my news is that this is the first event where I was not panicked before hand. I’m normally counting down the days until my birthday. This year, eh, not so much.  I’ve been uber busy at work and kind of not paying attention to the calendar.  I was sad last night because the only thing that I want for my birthday I can’t have. I want Aidan, in his body here with me. When I woke up this morning I had 5 bazillion messages on facebook and that made me really good. At this point I think I have 80 bazillion messages. Makes me feel pretty dang loved. 

I love you Aidan Christopher and I hope you like the flowers that I brought out to you! Funny, it’s mommy’s birthday and she brings you flowers.

Maggs

Happy Birthday Nolan!

So I feel kind of stalkerish silly for posting this today, but Ashley was one of the first people people to reach out to me after we lost Aidan. Her friendship and support mean so much to me! Her son, Nolan, was born one year ago because of Ashley developing Pre-E and Hellp. He lived 2 1/2 amazing days (so I’m told and have a pretty good idea of how amazing those days were). While I’m excited for my birthday coming up, part of me is sad because I know how difficult it will be for Ashley as it’s Nolan’s heaven day.

So please go over to Ashley’s blog and give her some love.

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday dear sweet Nolan,

Happy birthday to you!

I love you Aidan Christopher and I hope you guys are having a great birthday party up there!

Maggs

What a night

So I watch the Kendra show. Mostly because my co-worker Carrie got me hooked on it because it was being filmed in Indy.  I only started watching the current season because she was pregnant, had the baby here and I could relate to the pregnancy part. Until,well, I was no longer pregnant and part of a horrible new club. I continued watching even though it hurt.  One huge knife to the gut was the episode where the Colts went to the Superbowl.  Everyone close to me knows that I didn’t really care what happened this year. My concern was for Aidan. So watching that episode I just sat there remembering what I was doing at that time. I thought huh, while they were in Miami filming this I was sitting in the hospital praying that my son would be okay.  When the Colts lost I asked my mom and Chris if Aidan would be okay. 

Anyway, I watched last week’s episode and they were in Vegas.  That was our one and only vacation that we got to take with Aidan and it was a trigger for me.  We went to a lot of the same places that they went to. I started to cry. I just want to be back in that same place where I was so happy to be walking around with my little baby in my belly.

Another problem recently is that I’m having a hard time replaying everything. I can see in my mind Aidan’s NICU room, the isolette, the couch and the big comfy chair. When I “go to look” in the isolette I just see a picture of Aidan. I see the pictures of him that I have sitting on my desk.  I don’t want to see pictures, I want to see him in my mind. Does that make sense? I don’t know if this is because a little bit of time has past and this is what happens with memories or if I’m somehow blocking this.  I’m never ever ever going to forget Aidan, but I started to panic last night that I was forgetting his body. So I called Chris to come upstairs and I had a big ugly nasty cry. It felt so good to cry.  I cried because I just want to see him.  So when I finally calmed down, thanks to Chris and Snoopy, I closed my eyes.  When I did I could see Aidan’s legs. I could see us massaging his legs. I didn’t just see the picture of his one leg sticking out.  Then I was able to see his belly. I still can’t see his face though. I’m freaking out a little bit, but I’m trying not to.

So for any late loss mama’s who got to spend some time with their baby’s and a little ahead of me in this grieving process, is this normal? Is it normal that the brain holds on to the important things and lets go of the unimportant. No, I’m not saying seeing his face is unimportant. 

I love you Aidan Christopher and I promise I’ll never forget you!

Maggs

4 months

Dear Aidan,

Wow baby, I can’t believe it’s been 4 months since you were born.  I was talking to Aunt Michelle this morning when it was 4 months ago that I was blissfully unaware of what was about to happen during my 28 week ultrasound.  I miss you so much sweetie. I’ve been going to visit you once a week. You’re looking great! You’re big boy grass is growing and is so green. When I go visit I always sit and play with your grass.  Grandpa Larry took another pinwheel out and we’ll keep it in the vase since the cemetery is apparently getting very strict with their decoration rules. 

Aidster, it’s almost my birthday and I’m pretty sure that will be very hard for me. I know that daddy’s birthday was very tough this year, but he had you here until 3:05pm and I won’t have you at all. I’m still sooo thankful for our 8 days with you, it’s just hard some days because I want you here still so badly.  Daddy and I are going to visit Aunt Michelle, Uncle Dave and Cousin Bryson in a couple of weeks. I’ll get to tell your stories again and I love that.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Love,

Mommy