Life after Aidan Christopher

Some Pics from Aidan's birthday

2012-02-08T07:59:00.000-05:00

Froggy from Momo and Frampa

Hearts from grandma and grandpa

Close shot of his balloon.

Aidan's birthday was beautiful. Very nice weather, nice enough to have a picnic outside at the cemetery instead of in my car. I had a really good day celebrating his birthday. I didn't breakdown until after dinner. My mom went home and Chris was talking about something random and I lost it. Just started sobbing. Chris, being the awesome husband he is, asked if I wanted to go to Dunkin Donuts for raspberry coffee. Man that guy knows the way to my heart. :-) I miss my baby, but I know he's safe.

The next day I got a pretty awesome package in the mail. I had no idea it was coming, but Chris said that we had a voice mail about it.

I asked for donations to Team Aidan Christopher on Aidan's birthday and that one day we got $200 in HONOR of my baby. I know "in honor" usually is for someone that lived, but I want to honor him. Way to go Team Aidan Christopher! Looking forward to what we can bring in this year.

I'm going to go quiet again. Today marks 2 years from when we found out that Aidan wasn't going to survive. 2 years ago today, we made the decision to take him off life support the next day. I still struggle with that, even though I know it was the best decision for him. Add in Lucas' birthday party coming up and I've got a lot on my plate. I will be posting Lucas' 11 month update soon. I have tried every day to get a good picture of him, but he won't stay still.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

Happy Birthday pumpkin

2012-02-01T08:00:00.001-05:00

Aidan,

Wow, I can't believe it's been 2 years since you've come into our lives. I love you and miss you so incredibly much! I'm in a really good place right now and I know that's because of you. Yes I still get sad, but you make me so happy. Saying your name makes me so happy. I hope you get a very yummy cake for your birthday. Momo, Lucas, and I are going to celebrate your birthday tomorrow with fun pancakes, a picnic (I can't believe it's close to 60 degrees in February)and then go out to dinner. I've decided that I always want to celebrate your birthday in a fun way. We didn't last year because of a nasty snow storm. I don't ever see snow as nasty since it was snowing the day you were born and the day you passed. It's my little reminder of you from the sky. :-)

I wish you were here to celebrate your birthday and I'm going to wish that every year. I know it's not possible, but I'm still going to tell you. I have a feeling that you are with us though. Lucas loves to wave to your pictures now and I think it's because you come and visit him. I see a lot of you in him.

I love you birthday boy.

Love, 

Momma

I love living near Indy

2012-01-31T12:21:00.000-05:00

As a HUGE football fan, I'm so excited for Indianapolis to be hosting the Super Bowl this year. I went to the NFL experience with my dad on Friday and then to Super Bowl Village on Saturday. We're going to go back on Saturday just to be in the crowd. I love the idea that the Super Bowl is going to be basically in my back yard.
Here are some pictures that I took this weekend on my phone.

Chris is a huge Browns fan so I got this picture for him

There was a large crowd, but everyone was so nice. Every volunteer that we came across was polite. Keep it up Indy!

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

10 months

2012-01-07T13:09:00.000-05:00

 Age: 10 months

 
Weight/Length:Lucas has been fighting Croup this week and we took him to the dr. He weighs 18lbs 3 oz. Didn't gain a lot in a month, but he's more mobile so I'm not too surprised. I would guess he's 28in 

Size: He's in 6-9m sleepers and 6 month outfits.

Teeth: TWO!!!!!!!!!! Here's a picture of the 1st one

Sleeping: He loves it. With the croup he wasn't sleeping well, but now that's he's on the mend he's back to his love of sleep

 
Eating:We're adding more finger foods. He loves bread and chicken

 
Movement: He crawls all over the place. Cruises around on furniture and is walking better when we hold his hands

 
Milestones: He's standing for 2 seconds without holding on

Favorite Toys: He was spoiled at Christmas and got lots of new trucks. He got a big tow truck that he loves.

Dislikes: He doesn't really have any new dislikes. 

Words/sounds: He constantly says dada. With his cold though, he was always asking for mama. It melted my heard. He talks a lot and loves to point at Snoopy or at Aidan's pictures.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

2011 in review

2012-01-01T14:56:00.000-05:00

January: I was finally feeling confident about bring Nugget home

February: Lucas was born

March-slept, celebrated Frampa's birthday and St. Patrick's day

April: celebrated Easter, met Aunt Michelle and Uncle Dave and BFF Bryson

May: Indy 500 Parade

June: Staying awake longer

July: Starting to be more active

August Started sitting on his own, Ran 4 Everettt and not a fan of apples

September: First road trip to Cleveland

October

November: Thanksgiving in Cincinnati

December:Baby's 1st Christmas

2011, you were a pretty great year. I'm looking forward to everything 2012 has in store for us.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Feeling better!

2011-12-31T08:03:00.000-05:00

So the funk that I've been in has finally passed. It was the holidays. It started in early November when I was looking to order a personalized ornament for our family, except I couldn't find anything that worked. I could have included Aidan as one of the kid penguins, but that didn't feel right to me. I also didn't want to just not include him. So I gave up and on the weekends when I didn't have my mind going 80 different ways, I was depressed. Chris was always asking me what was wrong and early December I finally figured it out. Christmas eve we went to visit Aidan and I let it all out. I just stood there and sobbed. It felt amazing. Christmas went fantastic. Lucas was spoiled, Aidan wasn't forgotten and we just had a good day. Ever since then, I've been feeling better. That didn't happen last year so I know it's because I'm healing more.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander. You boys are my heart and soul

Maggs

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T07:43:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas from our family to yours

Love,
Maggie

Merry Christmas Lucas

2011-12-25T07:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Lucas,
This will probably be the only Christmas when I'm awake before you. You are still fast asleep upstairs while mommy sits here ~~ready to rip open the presents~~ patiently for you to wake up. You are mommy and daddy's Christmas miracle. When I get sad, all I have to do is hold you and I feel better. You stare in amazement at the tree and it's been a joy enjoying this first Christmas through your eyes.

Yes mommy and daddy like to put you in the diaper box and push you around the room

Oh wait, I hear you talking right now. You don't talk in your sleep, but boy do you snore. You are just like daddy in that department! I woke up this morning to find you sleeping like a frog. On your belly with your knees up, but feet wide apart. You are such my little belly sleeper. When you went to visit Santa, you asked for you two front teeth. While you didn't get two, you do have a tooth that has finally popped through. It's not all the way up yet.

Our tree this year is modestly decorated. I see it as an improvement because last year we didn't put up a tree. We have angels for your brother and we have "Baby's 1st Christmas" for you. Of course we had to get ornaments with both of your names on them.

Last night you helped me make sugar cookies for Santa. We also made the frosting. Yummy

Well you and daddy are coming down the stairs. So let's go enjoy your first Christmas.

I love you so much Lucas Alexander.

Love,
Mommy

Merry Christmas Aidan

2011-12-25T07:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Aidan,

It's been a long time since I've written to you. I talk to you daily though so that's okay. :-) I miss you so much sweetie. This should be your second Christmas with us. You should be up right now jumping on our bed trying to wake us up. Instead I got up a little earlier so I could spend time down stairs crying. I want to remember your brother's first Christmas as a happy time so I made some time to be alone and cry.

We went to visit you yesterday and saw that Grandma and Grandpa had been out too. Grandpa said that he had to give you a fresh pinwheel for Christmas.

Of course we had your brother with us. He was trying to watch your pinwheel go the entire time we were there. He picked it out for you.

We drove by again last night after it was dark and we could see the lights glowing from candy cane lights. I love that. I love that I can instantly spot you in the darkness now.

I love you so much Aidan Christopher and words can not describe how much I miss you and wish you were still here with us.

Merry Christmas baby,
Mommy

It's not the best quality but

2011-12-19T13:22:00.000-05:00

I love this picture

I took this a few weeks ago when I was getting ready to put up the tree. Lucas had fun playing with the lights.

Still here I promise

2011-12-19T10:02:00.000-05:00

This holiday season has been hard on me. So I'm trying to focus on Lucas and trying to keep other things (such as this blog)on the back burner while I work through this time. I miss Aidan and I miss being my normal happy go lucky self. While the boys sleep in this Saturday, I'll post some pictures of Lucas and then maybe after the holidays when I'm feeling better ::crosses fingers:: I'll write about what's going on.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I miss you so incredibly much.
Lucas Alexander, I love you with all of my heart and soul. You are my bright spot on dreary days.

Maggs

9 months

2011-12-01T12:58:00.000-05:00

Yeah this is a little late and not the normal picture. I will take the normal picture this weekend

Age: 9 months

 
Weight/Length: He went to the dr on 11/29. He is 17 lbs 13 oz and 27 3/4 inch. He went from the 2nd percentile to the 9th in 3 months. Way to go little dude! 

 
Size: He wears 6m sleepers and 3-6m clothes.

Teeth: Still none

Sleeping: He loves it. He sleeps through the night and takes lots of naps

Eating: Lots. Still 30oz of milk/formula mixture and 2-3 jars of food. We would get 3 in every day except that he likes his pre bedtime nap and sleeps through that 3rd jar.

 
Movement: He is a champ at rolling. He's crawling a little bit, but prefers to roll

 
Milestones: He is such much better at changing directions. He uses his feet a lot more to spin around when he's sitting.

Favorite Toys: He loves his remote and football and this new Octopus thing by Leapfrog

Dislikes: He is starting to understand the word no. He is not happy when I tell him not to take of his hat/ socks. If he doesn't get his way, he's starting to throw a fit

Words/sounds: He's saying mama and dada more when looking at us. He's also saying baba when the bottle is around.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T07:13:00.000-05:00

Picture is from here

We have so much to be thankful for. We have our health, jobs, families and friends. We also have the two most amazing little boys. This year is a lot different for me than last year. Last year was okay at best. My mom did her best to spoil me and take care of me. I was pregnant with Lucas and still grieving Aidan. This year we have Lucas and I'm still grieving Aidan. Just the level of grieving has gone down. There is not a day that Aidan's name does not come out of my mouth. My co-workers are amazing and will just let me say his name and understand that I need to say it. Then of course they see new pictures of Lucas almost daily. :-)
In 2 hours Lucas and I will be sitting on the couch watching the Macy's day parade.
Last year I sat at my parent's house and watched it fighting back tears.
Today we won't be with our families on Thanksgiving, which makes me very sad, but Chris has to work
Last year we ate with my parents and they let me cry. They understood...
Today we will be taking Lucas to visit his big brother and put out his Christmas tree. We will let Lucas touch the grass that covers his brother. We will give thanks right there that we were chosen to be the parents to both of these little boys.
Last year we went to visit Aidan and I held up pretty well until I got to the car. That's where I do most of my crying after the cemetery.

I know I've said it twice already, but I'm so thankful to be Aidan and Lucas' mommy. I've held and hold both of my boys. I've loved on both boys. My heart is double it's size for the amount of love I have for both of them. Aidan will never, not be a part of my family. He will ALWAYS be my child and he will always be included in the number of children I have and on cards. This little boy is with me every.single.day and even though it's just his spirit, he is still with me. Then of course there is Lucas. He continues to amaze me every day with the new things he learns. He still looks a little like Aidan, but nearly as much as he did when he was a newborn. He's getting his own personality now and is an absolute joy. Lucas is honestly my rainbow after the awful storm of losing Aidan.

I love you so incredibly much Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Weight loss update

2011-11-10T08:58:00.000-05:00

I posted back in May that I was doing a weight loss challenge with some friends.

Starting picture (yay for the tampon machine again)

We finished on 10/5, but I forgot to take a picture. However I ended up losing 13 pounds and hit my pre pregnancy weight!

We have started the challenge again to help us lose or maintain during the holidays. This time we're adding in a work out check in to help motivate working out. I don't like to work out. I don't like to sweat, but I need to work out to help tighten things up.

So here's my before for this current challenge. I lost an additional 3 lbs in 3 weeks. I'm now at a weight I haven't been in a long time! Woot

Screw it, I'll put my weight. That might keep me accountable...

Starting weight was 224 ( I was 3 months postpartum)

Ending weight was 211 ( same as what I started my pregnancy with Lucas at)

Starting weight for the current challenge is 209
My goal for this challenge is to be at 195 and the challenge is ending in the middle of January.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Thoughts

2011-11-08T19:39:00.000-05:00

I miss my Aidan. I miss him a lot. I haven't posted much about him recently because I've been trying to hide my feelings. IRL people have been listening to me talk about him every day, but I was hiding it from my blog. Then I realized that my blog is the last place I have to hide my grief. For over the past year and a half you have all been there supporting me during my grief. So why would I think that would stop now. Well I know why, I've had some people (not close people) say well since you have Lucas you should be over it by now. Aidan is not an "it", he is my son and I will never be over losing him.

I don't have the mindset that if Aidan didn't die, I wouldn't have Lucas. I'm greedy and I want both my boys. When I was younger I used to say that if my brothers didn't die I wouldn't be here and now I feel extremely guilty for saying that. I don't want Lucas or any other children to think that or feel like that.
I spent a lot of Sunday looking for Christmas presents for Lucas which turned into a day of being in a funk. I miss him. I want to be shopping for toys for an almost two year old and an almost 1 year old (holy shit, almost 1?). It's not fair. I want my Aidan back.

I love Lucas more than I could possibly imagine and I'm so thankful and grateful that he's my son. He is the bright spot in my day, but sometimes it hurts so much to see him without his big brother. He hasn't filled the hole in my heart that is Aidan shaped (never was supposed to), but he has created his own space in there.

Long story short. I miss my baby and the upcoming holidays suck because I want him back.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander
Maggs

He's starting to crawl!

2011-11-03T08:28:00.000-04:00

Lucas is a champion roller and now he's starting to push off to crawl. I'm so excited

This was taken with my phone so it's not the best quality.

Here's Lucas on Halloween in his actual costume. My inlaws didn't know that he would be dressing up so we surprised them in his duck costume.

I love this picture. He looks like he's saying what the %$#@ are you putting in my hands. :-) I'm so glad my inlaws take pictures of him during the day so I can see his cuteness.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!
Maggs

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T08:40:00.000-04:00

From my pumpkins to yours

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

Video

2011-10-23T15:31:00.000-04:00

In my last post I said that Lucas is babbling more. Besides babbling more, he is also squealing more. Make sure that your volume is on.

8 months

2011-10-23T13:30:00.001-04:00

Age: 8 months

Weight/Length: No clue. I'm thinking around 16-17lbs and 26 ish inches.

Size: I have him mostly in 3-6m clothes. He may be moving to 6m sleepers soon

Teeth: Still none

Sleeping: He loves it. He sleeps through the night and takes lots of naps

Eating: Lots. Still 30oz of milk/formula mixture and 3 pouches of food. The pouches are amazing. He loves anything by Plum. He currently is trying broccoli apple and is devouring it!

Movement: Still no crawling, but is getting closer. His rolling is a lot better

Milestones: He's pulling himself up and can stand unassisted for like 2 seconds

Favorite Toys: He loves his remote and football

Dislikes: nothing really. Wait, he hates when I have to get boogers out of his nose. lol

Words/sounds: He has started babbling a lot more. It sounds like he has said "hi dada", "Hey guys" (heard and commented by Stephanie) and "yeah" Very cute!

 The pictures in his room are getting difficult because now he can see out the window

I love you Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day

2011-10-15T18:20:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning thinking about my Aidster, just like I do every morning. Then I thought about the stat "1 in 4". 1 in 4 women have their lives turned upside down by a miscarriage, late pregnancy loss or infant death after live birth. 1 in 4...wow. Now are you ready for this statistic? My mom lost twins in between my sister and I. I lost Aidan and my sister lost a pregnancy in July that was ectopic. 1 in 4? Not for my family.

I love you Aidan Christopher

We will be out tonight at 7 so I took my picture early. A candle for Aidan. A candle for my brothers and my niece Selah. A candle for all the babies who have left us far too soon. Love you all!

Aidan Christopher,
Not a days go by that I don't wish you were still here with us. I love you baby boy.

Maggs

Best friends

2011-10-09T14:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we took Lucas to go visit our friends Scott and Erin. Their daughter, Cameron, is 2 months older than Lucas. They are really starting to interact with each other.

Still not sure about what's going on

Lucas then heard the camera and quickly struck a pose

The kids had a good time playing and we had a good time hanging out watching movies.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

5 years and 1 day ago

2011-10-08T09:46:00.000-04:00

Happy 5th Anniversary to my best friend. Our marriage has been through a lot the past 2 years. I always knew we'd make it to our 5th anniversary, I just never expected the trials and tribulations we would have to go through to get here. I adore you as much as I did the day you walked into CVS and we started working together. I will never forget how you asked for my phone number. He took my keys, locked them in the high dollar lock box and wouldn't give them back until I gave him my number. I'll never forget the night we hung out for the first time. We went to go see Planet of the Apes. I had to leave during the movie because my dad wouldn't let me stay out past curfew. There are so many memories that I will never forget because they brought us to where we are today. I love you Chris.

We "enjoyed" our anniversary by hanging out at the hospital. Chris's dad had to have another stent (happy dad? I spelled it correctly) in so we both took the day off to watch Lucas and to be at the hospital. We then went out to a fancy dinner where Lucas was perfectly content just sitting in his car seat playing with his toys. Chris pre-ordered an iPhone 4S for me (I need a new phone so perfect timing) and I got him a new Browns jersey.

Chris you are an amazing man, husband and father. 5 years (and 1 day) ago, you made me the luckiest lady. I love you and here's to another 60 years

Maggs

Ps. I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander. You boys have such an amazing daddy who loves you both very much.

7 months

2011-10-02T11:36:00.000-04:00

Age: 7 months

 
Weight: Probably around 14.5/15 lbs

Length: Probably around 26in

Size: He's still mostly in 3m clothes and 3-6m sleepers. I've decided to graduate him out of the 3m clothes. 

Teeth: Still none

Sleeping: He loves it. He sleeps through the night and takes lots of naps

Eating: He's eating about 18 oz of breast milk mixed with 12 oz of formula to get 30 oz. He seems to be handling the formula just fine. He also eats 3 jars of food. He loves fruits and likes squash mixed with sweet potatoes.

 
Movement: He'll roll to where he wants to go, but no crawling yet

Milestones: He occasionally claps and will hold his bottle. He prefers to be fed his bottle, but will hold it if we stop.

Favorite Toys: Sophie, binkie,   Mr. Chewy), Mr. Fuzzy and his hands/feet. Oh and Snoopy. He loves to  watch Snoopy walk around.

Dislikes: going in his car seat

Words/sounds: He loves to babble and he has an adorable belly laugh

It's been awhile

2011-10-01T10:01:00.000-04:00

I keep wanting to write here and then I forget. I will usually have like 4 things I want to talk about but I don't want to post all at once. My mom gave me a hard time last night for not writing more often so here goes. :-)

Well I'm not writing, but posting pictures. You don't really care what I write anymore as long as there are pictures, right? I know that's not true, but I've got nothing to say (at this time. :-))

This kid is so happy when he wakes up

My little Colts fan

Lucas helping daddy shred papers

He loves to stand and is now pulling himself up when we hold his hands

Yes, I have a lot of Colts stuff for him. Baby blue eyes trying apples,strawberries and bananas. They were a big hit.

Tomorrow night, Katie Destry, will be taking our family pictures. I'll post those when I get them.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Going to start adding formula

2011-09-18T08:18:00.000-04:00

So I've decided to start adding formula to the breast milk. I came to this decision because I'm sick of pumping all the time. I have to pump 6 times a day and I'm just barely making enough. He's now eating 30 oz a day and two full jars of fruits and veggies. Well he should be eating the 2nd jar at home at night, but because of pumping and Chris was out of town I didn't have time. I had to come home, get him down for his pre-bed time nap, pump, make dinner, give him a bottle, bath and then bed. So now I will be pumping at work only during the week and on the weekends I'll be pumping on the same schedule as at work. Then adding formula. This plan will start next weekend. I want Lucas to go 7 months with no formula and since he'll be 7 months on Thursday it's a perfect time to start.

I didn't make this decision lightly. I really struggled with the idea of having to pay for food when right now I make enough for him to eat. Also I felt guilty for stopping when I know so many women who so badly want to breastfeed, but can't. I have to do what's best for my family though. I want to be on the floor playing with Lucas. So starting on Saturday, Lucas will get 1 oz of formula mixed with 4 oz of breast milk and work our way up to half and half.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Never Forget

2011-09-11T08:46:00.001-04:00

In memory of all of those who lost their lives 10 years ago

Maggs

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

It's like she knows

2011-09-10T17:35:00.000-04:00

Today is a beautiful day. The sun has been shinning off and on, Lucas has been a sweetie today and we spent the day going to garage sales. I couldn't help but think about how much I wanted Aidan to be with us. Not in spirit, but with us. I checked my phone around noon and saw that I had an e-mail from my mom. I needed it and she didn't even know. Well she probably did because she's my mom, but I didn't tell her I need it.

She went to visit my baby and took a picture for me. I hate that my parents have to visit my son at the cemetery, but I'm so glad they do. They always remind me that they miss him. Chris' parents remind me that too by always having a pinwheel there.

Thank you momma for visiting Aidan and for sending me a picture.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I miss you so much!

Maggs

I love you too Lucas Alexander

Great way to help an adoption

2011-09-01T13:19:00.000-04:00

Check out my friend Amber's blog. She is hosting a t-shirt giveaway to help raise awareness and money for her and her husband to adopt. They are going to adopt siblings from Africa. Seriously, how amazing are these two?

Amber's family is near and dear to my heart. I grew up with her husband (kinda he was a few years ahead of me) brother in law and sister in law. We went to church together. Then I met Amber on that Monday. That Monday where we found out that Aidan wasn't going to survive. That Monday where I rushed to the hospital to discuss options with the dr. That Monday where I sat and cried while holding my baby for the first time. That Monday where Amber became a part of my family. I kept in contact with Amber through face book and I would go visit her on the days that I had support group. Then the day Lucas was born, Amber was in the OR. She took care of my Aidan and now she was going to be one of the first people to take care of my Lucas.

I'm looking forward to the day that Amber writes in her blog that they are going to go get their children.

Maggs

ps. I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

6 month stats

2011-08-29T19:07:00.000-04:00

Yes, we celebrated his 1/2 birthday with a cuppy cake cut in half. :-)

Lucas went to the dr today. He's a little guy but absolutely perfect. He is 13lbs 14 oz and 25.75 in tall. Tall and skinny. He did gain almost 3lbs in 2 months! Woot Woot She said someone has to be at the low end of the scale and he's doing wonderful. We are going to start adding in more solids and will introduce a sippy cup this weekend. He got 3 shots today and will get the 2nd round of his flu shot next month. Then he won't go back until 9 months. The next time he sees Dr. K it will be after Thanksgiving. WOAH!

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Apples...

2011-08-26T16:25:00.000-04:00

Are not a fan favorite!

Lucas Alexander,

You crack me up when you eat! So far you have only loved your peas. Everything else is eh and apples are just yucky. They are a little sour and your entire body would shake instead of just your face puckering up. I love you so much you goofy little guy!

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

More pictures

2011-08-23T19:29:00.000-04:00

I have 80 of the same picture, but I can't seem to delete any of them. I love all the different angles that I get of this kid.

Here's some more

This is one of my favorite pictures of him and I took it this morning

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

6 months

2011-08-23T12:17:00.000-04:00

Age: 6 months

Weight: I'm guessing around 13.5/14 lbs. I'll find out on the 29th

Length: Guessing around 25in I'll find out on the 29th

Size: Mostly 3 months and in 3-6m sleepers. Tall skinny boy

Teeth: none, but he is teething

Sleeping: I love him for this... he's been sleeping 8p-6am. On the weekends he usually takes about 2 30 minute naps and 1 hour long nap

Eating: He's eating about 27oz of breastmilk. He eats carrots, peas and bananas. I can usually get him to eat a tablespoon of carrots and bananas and half a jar of peas. That boy loves him some peas

Movement: He can shuffle around on this belly and mostly goes around in circles. When he's sitting in his walker at gma's he can "walk" backwards. He's starting to act like he wants to crawl.

Milestones: He's sitting by himself

Favorite Toys: Sophie, binkie, Mr. Chewy (lovey with a duck on it), Mr. Fuzzy (It's a boy bear that we got that's well..fuzzy) and his hands/feet. Oh and Snoopy. He loves to watch Snoopy walk around.

Dislikes: breaks during bottle time, being hot in his car seat and when he spits out his binkie when he's tired

Words/sounds: He loves to babble while chewing on his hand.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

1st annual Run 4 Everett

2011-08-20T06:53:00.000-04:00

Today is a huge milestone/moment for a mom from my local support group. Last year, her son Everett was born sleeping due to 2 true knots in the cord and the cord being wrapped around his neck twice. She has put so much time and effort into creating Run 4 Everett to help others after tragically losing her son. Stephanie, I am so proud of you. I have watched you grow this past year and I'm honored to call you my friend. I know that Everett couldn't be more proud of you and he's so glad you're his mommy! I'm looking forward to participating in this event for years to come.

I walk in memory of Everett, Aidan Christopher, Colby, Emma, Oliver, Jillian, Katie, Matthew, Caleb, Olivia and many many more babies that were born too soon, born sleeping or passed away after birth.

I walk in honor of Lucas Alexander and other rainbow babies

Stephanie, again I am so proud of you.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

So thankful for this blog

2011-08-18T13:26:00.000-04:00

I just went back to my posts from February. I re-read the one that I wrote before we went to the hospital. I totally forgot about some of those emotions that I felt. I'm so glad that I started this blog as a way to remember stuff.

Lucas is teething right now and is pretty pathetic. Hey, I'm his mom, I can say that. He normally takes his bottle straight from the fridge, but when he's teething he doesn't want anything cold. I didn't figure that out or even think about it. My MIL told me that she had started warming up his bottle. I was going with the mindset that cold makes them feel better. He only ate 1.5 oz last. Yeah from 4:30pm yesterday until 8:30am this morning he only ate 1.5 oz. I was freaking out/ on the verge of calling the pedi. You know, because I never overreact. :-D

I don't have any new pictures right now, they are on my computer at home, so I will leave you with some "old pics"

My big boy sitting all by himself! -8/4/11

He looks super chunky here, but really, who doesn't laying on their back?

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

All of my blogs are gone

2011-08-12T10:32:00.000-04:00

I follow a lot of blogs. Every single one of them that clicked "follow blog" are gone from my reader. I don't remember all of them and I have a bunch of BLM blogs. I'm soooooooo sad. So now I have to go through and try to remember/find all the blogs. If you would like me to follow your blog please comment with your blog link so I can start adding again.

So very sad!
I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

Time is flying

2011-08-09T12:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Aidan

Hi baby boy. I miss you so much! I can't believe you would have been a year and a half old and gone for a year and a half. Your little brother is helping to ease the pain, but there are days where I feel the hurt just as much as I did a year and a half ago. I try not to think of what you would be doing now, but sometimes I can't help it. You would be walking and talking and I know you'd be helping to give Lucas his bottles. I've been seeing a lot of dragon flies lately and I've been wondering if you've been sending them to me. Grandma and Grandpa took another pinwheel out to your gravestone. They had Lucas help them pick it out. He picked out two to play with at their house during they day. We all miss you bud.

I love you Aidan Christopher. You are my first born, you are guardian angel and you are my precious baby boy. I love you and miss you with all of my heart and soul!

Mommy

5 months

2011-08-01T12:34:00.001-04:00

Age: 5 months

Weight: 12 1/2 lbs. I took him to the dr on Saturday because of his cold and they weighed him

Length: Guessing around 24in I'll find out on the 29th

Size: Some 0-3, but mostly 3 months and in 3-6m sleepers. Tall skinny boy

Teeth: none, but he is teething

Sleeping: I love him for this... he's been sleeping 8p-6am. On the weekends he usually takes about 2 30 minute naps and 1 hour long nap

Eating: He's eating about 24oz of breastmilk. He eats carrots mixed with rice cereal and started peas yesterday,7/31. He loves the peas

Movement: No new movement. Starting to get up on to his knees to crawl, but hasn't figured out that he has to be on his hands and knees

Milestones: He's getting his belly laugh going.

Favorite Toys: Sophie, binkie, Mr. Chewy (lovey with a duck on it), Mr. Fuzzy (It's a boy bear that we got that's well..fuzzy) and his hands/feet

Dislikes: breaks during bottle time* and being hot in his car seat

Words/sounds: He has said mama 3 times. It's usually a whiny mama

*We do breaks during his bottle to keep him from spitting up. He takes 20 minutes to take 4oz and rarely spits up. It works for us and it's teaching him to eat slowly.

Lucas Alexander,

I can't believe you're 5 months old already. You are such a happy snuggly boy. Even when you're sick, you have a big smile on your face. You learned to share your cold with me by constantly shoving your fingers in my mouth. Probably doesn't help that I like to snack on your toes and you do too. You love watching Snoopy and will usually stop what you're doing to see him. You like carrots and love peas. I've never seen anyone attack peas as much as you did. I'm so proud of you for eating your veggies. You would much rather be standing instead of laying down or sitting. You still sleep in mommy and daddy's room in your Rock and Play. I love that you are just an arms reach away. You are such a quiet sleeper and you love your sleep. On the weekends you have been known to sleep in until 7 or 7:30. You really are taking after your daddy. I love you so much baby boy.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

He's sick

2011-07-26T12:43:00.000-04:00

So Lucas has his first real cold. He looks pathetic! He has a runny nose, wet cough and just look blah. He sneezes, gets snot bubbles, rubs his nose and then proceeds to rub his eyes. I try to catch him before he does any rubbing to avoid him putting snot in his eyes.Of course being the happy little baby he is, he is smiling when we're playing with him. Chris called the pediatrician on Sunday and was told to use the bulb syringe and saline drops and that's it. Thankfully he doesn't have a fever and is still eating like a champ. I plan on getting a picture of his patheticness tonight, because really, it is super cute. :-)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!
Maggs

Great weekend

2011-07-10T20:55:00.000-04:00

Lucas and I went for a couple of walks this weekend and enjoyed being outside. Well he slept through most of the walks, but I enjoyed being outside. Saturday, we went to my parent's place to go swimming. Lucas loved the pool. Okay, he didn't scream so I'm considering that a success.

After he got done playing in the pool he hung out in his stroller next to frampa and played with the towel.

I forgot to bring him an outfit to put on so he wore my tank top to stay warm

Today I did a lot of cleaning around the house. Lucas has been extra clingy to me so I had to clean during his nap times. Then I made a fabulous dinner of lime marinated chicken. It was delish!

Oh and randomly I'm 1 lb away from my pre-pregnancy weight with Aidan and 3 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight with Lucas. I'm down 9 lbs from when my weight loss challenge began at the beginning of May. Slow and steady. :-)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

Videos

2011-07-03T10:55:00.000-04:00

So for Father's day Lucas got Chris a Flip video camera and I broke it out for the first time yesterday. Enjoy

Lucas has been rolling for awhile now from his back to his belly but I finally caught it on camera

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

1 year ago

2011-06-27T14:08:00.000-04:00

June 27,2010

This picture was taken a few weeks ago, but he hasn't changed much.

I can't believe that it's been a year since we found out that I was pregnant with Mr. Lucas. It has been a stressful, anxiety filled,fun, memorable year. Between grieving Aidan and excitement for "Nugget's" arrival it was a difficult year to know how I was feeling. I still cry often for Aidan. I wish he were here playing with his little brother and being a good helper for me, but he's not. Well he is, but I can't see him. I know Lucas can though.

I love you Aidan Christopher
I love you Lucas Alexander and I look forward to see how you change in the next year.

Maggs

4 months

2011-06-21T12:36:00.000-04:00

Age: 4 months...how is this possible?

Weight: I'm guessing around 12 or 13 lbs, but we'll find out next Tuesday

Length: Guessing around 23 in. Again will find out next Tuesday

Size: Some 0-3, but mostly 3 months.

Teeth: none, but he is teething

Sleeping: I love him for this... he's been sleeping 8p-6am. On the weekends he usually takes about 2 30 minute naps and 1 hour long nap

Eating: He's eating about 24oz of breastmilk. I'm only pumping for him. We're going to start him on rice cereal soon

Movement: He can inch worm himself across the room. He rolls from his belly to his back and sometimes will roll to his belly.

Milestones: I can't think of anything. He's right on track with other babies his age though

Favorite Toys: Sophie and his binkie
Dislikes: Diaper changes and burps.I have to keep reminding him that he's a boy and boys like to burp. lol

Words/sounds: He talks a lot! He has started squealing when something excites him.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!

Maggs

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T11:26:00.000-04:00

Happy Father's day to the best daddy!

Aidan, Snoopy and Lucas love you so much

And of course, Happy Father's day to my daddy

I love you Daddy

Maggs

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-15T12:52:00.000-04:00

Man I love this little boy who is looking less and less like me and more like his daddy.

How is my child almost 4 months old?

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander
Maggs

3 months

2011-06-04T16:20:00.000-04:00

Yeah, when I first posted this I hit save instead of publish post.

Age: 3 months

Weight: 9 lbs 14 oz

Length: 22 1/2

Size: 0-3 onsies and 3 month sleepers

Teeth: He's teething, but no teeth

Sleeping: He's an amazing night sleeper. I've been giving him a bottle at night so he usually sleeps from 9pm-3am and then back up at 6:30 for his feeding before going to Gma's

Eating: He eats about 3 oz when I breastfeed him, which is only one time at night and a few times on the weekend. He eats 3-4 4oz bottles at Gma's. The 4 oz bottles are keeping him fuller longer. It's kind of back firing since he has started waking up more to make up for the lack of meals during the day.

Movement: He loves sitting in his bumbo and sitting on our laps. He likes to be outward facing in his Baby Bjorn and "sitting" on my hip when I'm standing up holding him.

Milestones: His smiles are a lot more on purpose. He's starting to hold his binkie more and chewing on his hands
Favorite Toys: He loves Sophie
Dislikes: Diaper changes, burping and being put in the car seat
Words/sounds: This boy talks a ton. He is my child after all.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander
Maggs

Pictures

2011-05-27T20:50:00.000-04:00

My sister let me borrow her bumbo and I decided to take some pictures of Lucas in it tonight.

I love this little boy so much. He just melts my heart

Maggs

More pictures coming soon

2011-05-26T13:12:00.000-04:00

I ordered a cd of the pictures that Katie took of Lucas a few weeks ago. I should be getting the cd in the mail today or tomorrow. I'm so excited! I also need to take my in-laws camera so I can get the pictures that they take of him during the day off the camera.

In other news...I've lost 3 pounds! I'm now 9 lbs from my first goal weight. I've got a couple of pictures to upload to show what I look like now and will post again at each goal.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Week 1

2011-05-18T12:55:00.000-04:00

I weighed myself this morning. I lost a pound. That's it, just 1 stinkin' pound. BUT I'm so happy with that 1 pound lost. My goal is to lose 1-2 lbs a week. I'm eating smaller portions, healthier food and more healthy snacks. I can't lose too much too quickly because it will have a negative impact on my milk supply. Giving Lucas milk is far more important to me than losing weight. Only 11 more pounds until I hit my first goal and my pre-pregnancy weight. Once I hit my 1st goal I'm going to buy myself a new nursing bra. I have little presents for each goal that I hit.

Maggs

I miss

2011-05-17T14:50:00.000-04:00

I miss Aidan... a lot

I wish Chris was able to hold both his babies along with Snoopy.

I wish both of my boys were sitting in Chris' arms watching Saturday morning cartoons.

I'm so thankful for Lucas and the joy that he has brought us. This time last year, I didn't know if I could ever be really happy again. While I'm so very happy, there are times where I just start bawling because I miss Aidan so much. I don't get the sadness feeling as often as I used to, but when I do, they are so much more intense. Thankfully my c-section is healed for the most part and crying so hard doesn't hurt it anymore.

I love you Aidan Christopher and I miss you so much. Lucas Alexander, I'm so glad you are in our lives. I love you baby boy

Maggs

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-11T08:49:00.000-04:00

My first Mother's day with both my boys

Weight loss challenge

2011-05-11T05:10:00.000-04:00

I wrote last year how I wanted to lose weight before we started ttc #2. That didn't happen. Then again I only went 4 months of not being pregnant last year. When I was pregnant with Lucas I couldn't work out. I was on pelvic rest for a few weeks at the beginning and then I was too afraid to work out. I did light exercise when I was pregnant with Aidan and was afraid that was the cause for my cord failing. I knew that wasn't the case, but I still was too afraid. I don't know how much weight I gained during my pregnancy with Lucas. If I had to guess, I'd say it was around 40 lbs. I just didn't want to know. I knew if Dr. B was concerned she would talk to me and for once I wasn't focused on the scale. I lost about 28 lbs very quickly and am still hanging on to 12 lbs and I decided that it's time to get serious about losing weight.
I have about 50 lbs to lose to get to my ideal weight, but I'm taking it 10 lbs at a time. My girlfriends are doing a weight loss challenge with me. It's basically the biggest loser. We all are paying $25 to enter this challenge and whoever loses the most weight, percentage wise, will win the "fee" money. The 1st challenge is going to run from 5/11-10/5. I just picked a random date to end with and once this challenge is over, we'll start another one to help get us through the holidays without too much weight gain. I won't be losing too much at a time because I am breastfeeding (as if my 80 bazillion posts about breastfeeding had you confused ;-) ) and I don't want to cut out too many calories to effect my supply.
My main reason for wanting to start this challenge is to feel more confident. I want to take Lucas to the pool and I don't want to think that people are staring at the "fat chick with a cute baby." I want them to stare at the cute baby splashing around in the pool. Of course I'm my worst critic and I do know that not everyone judges me on my size, but I do. I constantly think that people are thinking wow, she's heavy. I also want to lose the weight so that when Lucas is older and more active, I want to be able to keep up with him. Then of course there is the fact that I want to get healthy before my next pregnancy. Yes, Chris and I have already decided on when we'll start ttc #3 (no mom, I'm not telling you. :-) ) and I want to wear smaller sized maternity clothes.
So wish me luck. Here's my starting picture. I know it's not the best of me, but my camera is mostly pointed at Lucas.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Happy Mother's Day-belated

2011-05-11T04:52:00.000-04:00

I had a great Mother's Day. I was woken up at 6:30 by a babbling baby. Chris had given him a bottle to let me get a little extra sleep and when Lucas came into my arms he was a very happy boy. I sat there thinking how lucky I am to have my special little boy and then a wave of grief came over me as I thought about how I wanted both my special little boys with me. I know Aidan is always with me, but I want him in my arms. I only had 1 person wish me a happy 1st mother's day and I quickly said this is my second. I was so (and will always be) afraid that Aidan won't be included on my cards. So much that I told Chris that I'd nutpunch him if he ever forgets to write Aidan's name. While I was holding Lucas, Chris ran out to the car to get my present. I saw the card and quickly ripped it open to see what was written. Of course Chris didn't forget Aidan and honestly, I didn't think he would, but I still have that fear. Then I was handed a pretty box. My boys got me this beautiful necklace

I love it so much. We spent the day in our pjs until about 4pm and then we went to the cemetery to visit Aidan. I had to get a picture with my boys on Mother's Day. I have the picture still on my camera and I left that at work. Oops. When we got to my in-laws for dinner (we go every Sunday and have been for the past 8-9 years) I got another present from Lucas. He with grandma's help made me a very special garden. The flowers are picture holders and the grass says "Watch me grow" and there are two pictures of Lucas on the flowers. I love it. I was and will always look forward to the cute homemade gifts that I will get from Lucas on Mother's day. So that's how I spent my 2nd Mother's day. Much happier than last year, but it will always be bittersweet.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Supply

2011-04-27T13:05:00.000-04:00

Dear milk supply,
Please come back! You're doing a great job of feeding Lucas when he's breastfeeding, but now that I'm back at work, I need you to do well with the pumping. I'm drinking the tea, eating oatmeal, downing water like it's going out of style and I'm just barely making enough for the babe to eat. I took you for granted during maternity leave and should have built up my stash, but instead I decided to sleep and let daddy feed him. Now I must feed him at night and then pump just to make sure Lucas doesn't starve while I'm working. (I would never let him starve, I'd either take him some or he'd get formula) So let's work together and start making more!

Love,
The lady who loves giving her son mommy milk

I know I'm lucky that I'm able to pump enough each day for him to eat at Gma's. I know some ladies that only pump half and they have to give formula for the rest of the day. One of my problems is that my Medela Pump in Style isn't working as well as it should be. I've changed all the parts, made sure everything is plugged in very tightly and yet it still decreases it's sucking power halfway through the session. I have e-mailed the company and will rent the hospital grade pump again if my supply decreases too much. We have boob group tonight so I'll be talking to the LC to get more suggestions.

I have lots more to blog about and now that I'm back at work I'll have time. Bossman, I'll be writing it at lunch, don't worry. :-)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T06:51:00.000-04:00

Today is not about the Easter Bunny, candy or egg hunts. Today is about Jesus going to Heaven. For me, it gives me peace knowing that Aidan has risen as well and is in Heaven with Jesus to celebrate. We plan on doing the Easter bunny thing with Lucas, but will tell him every year the real meaning of Easter.

Ohhhh I'm pretty

Okay mom, enough with the ears

Happy Easter Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander. I love you both very much!

Maggs

March for Babies

2011-04-18T10:49:00.000-04:00

The Indianapolis March for Babies is coming up in 12 days (4/30) and there is plenty of time to either donate or sign up to walk with us. Hopefully the weather will be nicer this year. Last year it was so bad they shortened the walk to get us out of the rain. This year I'm not only walking for my Aidster, I'm walking for all of his friends: Caleb, Jillian, Katie, Matthew, Oliver, Everett, Colby, Aniah, Ethan, Emma, Nolan and so so so many more babies who are gone too soon.

Here is the link to my March for Babies team If you can't donate or not in the Indianapolis area to join the team, that's fine. Just leave a comment for who YOU are walking for. (Even if you aren't walking, I know you know someone that has lost a baby too soon and I would like to acknowledge those babies too.)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Thank you Aidan

2011-04-15T17:49:00.000-04:00

I went to a garage sale for a friend of mine this morning. We became friends after she was Aidan's NICU nurse and she was in the OR when Lucas was born. Ah-mazing to have that support and someone who knew our story closely. The NICU had donated a lot of preemie clothes to the sale (which is being held to raise money so my friend can adopt two children) and I was looking through the boy clothes trying to find the bigger sizes. Tucked in the middle of the pile was something that made my heart jump and sink all at the same time. I found the outfit that we put Aidan in after he passed. We were able to bathe him and then we put the outfit on. I have thought about this outfit ever since. Sadly when I see the outfit I see how Aidan looked when he was in it, but I have another piece of him. Another thing that touched my baby is now in my hands. I didn't cry while I was there, but I sure did let loose when I got home this afternoon.
Thank you Aidan for having this outfit be brought back into my life. I miss you baby boy and I love you so much. I wish you were here with us helping to take care of Lucas, but I know you are watching over us every day.

I love you Aidan Christopher

Maggs

Wordless Wednesday

2011-04-13T12:52:00.000-04:00

Brothers...

just some pictures

2011-04-12T12:46:00.001-04:00

I have lots that I want to write, but with only 2 weeks left before I go back to work, I'd rather spend this time snuggling Lucas. Just a quick update. Breastfeeding is a bazillion times better and we're getting pretty good at nursing in public. My anxiety level is still up there, but it's getting better. Lucas is sleeping about 4 hours waking up to eat then going back down for another 2 or 3 hours. That really helps my anxiety to be able to sleep. Okay, here are the pictures...

Abbey holding Lucas with Snoopy keeping a close eye out

Happy St Patty's day

Getting ready for a day at the office

Watching the Butler game very intently

sooo sleepy

deep conversation with daddy

We finally took him to the cemetery to visit Aidan, but those pictures are on Chris' camera.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Poem

2011-04-01T17:39:00.002-04:00

I just read this on another blog that I follow and I really like it.

A Different Child

A different child, people notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow surrounded by love
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day you'll understand.
You'll understand there was once another child.
A different child.
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all...
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever:
How infinitely precious,
How infinitely fragile is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost
you will tell them with great compassion:
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here because my parents tried again."

Author Unknown

Feeling better

2011-04-01T17:37:00.000-04:00

After posting here and talking to my grief counselor I'm feeling a lot better, anxiety wise. It doesn't help that Chris went out of town and I was "alone" with Lucas. My mom came to stay with me and I went to their house. I still took care of him myself, but it was nice to have my arms free for awhile. I talked to my grief counselor and she reaffirmed that we're doing everything right. She still wants me to talk to Dr. B on Monday about my feelings and a friend of mine has given me a number to a therapist that deals with pregnancy/infant loss and most of my anxiety stems from losing Aidan. Many people suggested that we get the Angel Care monitor. We thought about it while I was pregnant, but decided against getting it. We still have decided that we don't want that monitor. I think the reason my anxiety got so bad was that Chris was going out of town and what if something happened while he was gone. Then it would be my fault and I couldn't handle that fear. Amazingly this week went very smooth and I'm feeling a lot more confident in this whole mom thing.

I'm really looking forward to the weather getting warmer and staying warm! We still haven't taken Lucas out to visit Aidan and that makes me sad but with the weather so unpredictable I don't want Lucas to catch a cold. We talk to Aidan every night, but I still want a picture of my babies "together." I go back to work in 2 weeks :-( so I'm trying to enjoy these last 16 or 18 days (depending on what day I start) snuggling with Lucas all day. My mother in law will be watching him and only lives about 10 minutes from my work so if I need to stop by and see him during lunch I can.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander!
Maggs

Getting help

2011-03-26T23:47:00.000-04:00

So I've been struggling with anxiety. It started as soon as the pregnancy test said "Pregnant", but it's gotten worse. I know that it's normal to have anxiety with a newborn, but not to my extent. I check on Lucas constantly, for example, we were laying in bed and in a 5 minute period, I checked on him no less than 10 times. Lucas is just now starting to spit up and I'm terrified that he'll spit up while he's laying in bed and choke on it. I know that he would make noises if he was choking, but I honestly can't think of that when I have the thoughts running through my head. When I'm not checking on him, I'm imagining the worst scenario. It's overwhelming! So I'm going to talk to Dr B about getting help. Maybe through medication or maybe just going to a therapist. I don't know, I just know that this is getting too much. I'm enjoying my time with Lucas and don't feel like I'm depressed, I'm just afraid. Another example is that I'm afraid that if we don't have him covered with blankets and hats that he'll get sick and die. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Just like with my grief, I want to put this out there for everyone to read in case someone else is feeling like I am. It took a lot for me to admit this, because I felt like this is normal. I thought it was normal, until this morning when I was checking on him constantly. I couldn't enjoy quiet time laying in bed snuggling with Chris and Snoopy. This is not an all day, all consuming thing, but enough that I need to tell/talk to someone. I will admit that I'm feeling a little better for just admitting this so openly.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

1 month

2011-03-25T14:35:00.000-04:00

I can't believe my baby is a month old! I've learned that having a newborn is hard. I knew I wouldn't be getting sleep, but I had no idea how hard breastfeeding would be and how difficult that would make everything else. I also try the sleep when the baby sleep thing, but he sleeps a lot during the day and I'm not tired. We had a blessing in disguise and Chris has been home with us the entire time. We found out the day that we brought Lucas home that his company was closing. He now has a new (well old, he went back to his previous company) job and started today. Because of that, Chris has been doing a lot of the night time stuff (until 2 am then I take over) to let me try to get more sleep.

Lucas is starting to "talk" more and I love it. He loves being with me and it melts my heart when he passes out on my shoulder in a milk coma. Daddy is giving him one bottle a night so they can have their bonding time. Chris is simply amazing with Lucas. I cry every time that I look over and see Lucas fast asleep on Chris' chest. This is what we've wanted for so long and we're finally here.

His stats from his 1 month appointment
Weight: 7 lbs 11 oz- up 11 oz from birth (12th percentile)
Height- 21 in- grew 1 inch (39th percentile)

He's hitting all of his milestones and Dr. K is very happy with his growth.

I love you Aidan Christopher, you're doing a great job looking over your brother! I love you Lucas Alexander, I'm so glad you're my baby

Maggs

answer to a pumping question

2011-03-15T12:53:00.000-04:00

Someone asked me "was wondering how often and how long you have to pump for each day because i'm considering doing that for my baby."
I'm really lazy at pumping because Lucas is nursing so much better now. Before I was pumping every time I tried to feed him so that was every 2 hours. I would pump until I was empty or until I filled the bottle. Now that he's doing better, I pump in the morning after his first feeding once in the afternoon and once at night. Since Lucas is still a lazy eater, it takes me awhile to nurse him and he eats every 2 hours I don't want to pump too much.

Maggie

I no longer hate breastfeeding!

2011-03-13T15:21:00.000-04:00

After all the responses that I got to my last post about it, I decided to try one more time. Something magical happened and Lucas latched on right away. We still occasionally have to use a bottle, but that's only when I'm exhausted and need a break. The support group really really really helped my confidence and I got Lucas back to his birth weight. Every day is getting a little easier and I'm so glad I tried one more time. I'm still going to the support group twice a week to keep an eye on his weight and to get more help. I really encourage anyone that is having trouble breastfeeding to seek help.

Here's what I learned at the support group:
Lucas is a lazy eater. Part of that is because of his jaundice being so bad and the pain killers that I'm on. To help combat that I have to annoy the snot out of him when he's latched on. I have to rub his head, tickle his feet, rub his sides and tap his chin to keep him going. During the support group, I weigh him every 10 minutes and then switch boobs until he gets close to getting 2 oz. At home I switch boobs every 10 minutes to make sure he's being an efficient eater. Sometimes if the annoying thing doesn't work, I push some pumped breastmilk into his mouth through a syringe. That helps to stimulate him to start sucking again. Yes it's a lot of work, but every time we nurse it's getting better. I don't have to annoy him as much (granted I don't know how much he's eating) he's sleeping better and we just have a much better relationship.

So thank you for all the advice and support from my last post. I really needed that to try one more time and I'm so much happier and so is my household. Here's another picture that Kathy took in the hospital and I'm so glad that I have this picture.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Our hospital stay

2011-03-12T13:51:00.000-05:00

Man, it's hard to blog with a newborn. Okay it would be easier if I wasn't sitting around holding him all the time. Lucas is just so snuggly!

So about our hospital stay, it was amazing! Every single nurse that came in knew our history so we never had to have the awkward is this your first conversation. Nurses that we had never met before kept telling us how much Lucas looks like Aidan. They knew that because of his picture that we had in the room, but they all talked to me about Aidan. I so badly needed that and have a feeling that my grief counselor was behind it. :-) I sent Lucas to the nursery every night for at least 2 hours and while I felt a moment of guilt, the feeling of sleep out weighed that by a lot.

We did have a little scare with jaundice. My milk had come in, but because of the jaundice Lucas was pretty lethargic and not eating much. Since he wasn't eating much, he wasn't getting the jaundice out. The dr had us use a bili blanket in the hospital to try to help break down the bilirubin. Similar to the lights that Aidan was under. I also had a lactation consultant come and help me get him to eat more. She sat with us for probably an hour doing different tricks. She was with us for so long because there was a possibility that Lucas was going going to have to go to the NICU to be under the bili light. That would mean that he wouldn't have come home with us the same day. The LC begged the dr to let us take the blanket home so Lucas would leave with us. We are so thankful for our LC and her determination.

I'm so glad that we had two completely different, but amazing stays at our hospital. I've read so many horror stories and am so thankful we didn't have that. As a prize for reading this post (or skimming it) here's another picture of our little prince.(Picture taken by Kathy)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

I hate breastfeeding!

2011-03-07T14:50:00.000-05:00

It's hard and I hate it! Lucas screams at my boob, latches on for a few minutes and then falls asleep. I love it during the day because I've had some sleep and can handle the "abuse". However, night time is awful. So I've decided (after many nights of crying, by both of us) that I'm going to pump and feed him bottles of breast milk. It was going to happen eventually because of going back to work, but I had hoped we would have been able to nurse longer than 2 weeks.
I'm enjoying feedings so much more already and we just started this morning. I'm getting the emotional connection through bottle feeding that I wanted so badly through nursing, but wasn't getting. Part of me still feels like I'm letting Lucas down and that I need to fight through this. I can't be selfish with this though as Lucas is having a hard time gaining weight when I just nurse and it's more important that he gets enough food. There is a support group that I might go to tomorrow for one last try, but I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of just pumping. To be honest, it's hard for me to actually talk about because I want to nurse so badly. I cry when I say out loud that I'm done, but in my head I know it's what's best for Lucas.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

Birth story told with pictures

2011-03-02T20:23:00.000-05:00

Since we all know I had a repeat c-section there isn't really a story to tell. I got prepped, sliced open, given a baby and still recovering. Same as last time, but on time and I got to see my Lucas right away.

I miss that belly!

Me and Dr.B. I know I've said this a bunch, but I love that woman!

Welcome to the world, Lucas Alexander

This picture means so much to me! I had asked one of Aidan's NICU nurses, Ingrid, if she could be in the OR with us. She was with us on Aidan's last day and I wanted her to take care of "Nugget" on his first day. Ingrid had a patient that she had to take care of and I found out when Amber, another one of Aidan's NICU nurses, came into the OR. I love Amber and so that was awesome that she came down knowing how much I needed them. Well Ingrid made it in time and here is Ingrid and Amber taking care of Lucas.

I had a hard time emotionally during the surgery. Most of the time was spent thinking about Aidan and how I so badly wish that he was sitting out in the waiting room with our parents to meet his little brother. I also thought about his birthday and how different it was. I was zoned out until I could hear Dr. B getting excited because "Nugget" was about to be born. At that point I started bawling, I couldn't stop. It was amazing to see him over the curtain when Dr. B showed him to me. Then to look over and see Ingrid and Amber taking care of him...I lost it again. Don't even get me started when I saw Chris holding him for the first time.

Dr. B said that I had very minimal scaring from my first c-section and that it was very quick and easy for them. I'm healing pretty well. The recovery is very similar to what I experienced with Aidan. It's a little harder because of the lack of sleep and wanting to hold/help Lucas all the time. Chris has been amazing and doing so much because I can't. It also helped a lot that my mom has been staying with us. I've only changed a few diapers, while they've changed countless. I know my time is coming soon when I'm feeling better so I'm not feeling too bad. ;-)

So that's the story of Lucas' birth in pictures. I will upload more pictures from the hospital soon along with how that went.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

He's here!

2011-02-27T19:59:00.000-05:00

I will write a longer post later, but he's sleeping so I need to sleep.

Here he is, introducing Mr. Lucas Alexander

Lucas was born on Monday 2/21 at 1:32 pm. Weighing in at 7lbs and "standing" 20in tall.

We are madly in love and so happy.

Love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

Maggs

hi ho hi ho, it's off to the hospital we go

2011-02-21T07:06:00.000-05:00

Well it's here, it's time for us to finally meet our little chicken nugget. I'm still terrified of something happening, but he's been up kicking all morning. I think I got around 4 hours of very interrupted sleep. I woke up once an hour and finally at 5:30 decided to get up for the day. How am I feeling right now? STARVING! Seriously, who tells a 9 month pregnant lady that she can't eat for 12 hours? I'm also excited, scared, excited, nervous. The "negative" feelings are for the surgery part, but I'm so excited to meet Nugget.

Chris is still passed out in bed. He'll get a nice wake up call around 7:45 to start waking up. We're walking out the door at 8:45 to go to the cemetery to drop off Aidan's presents. Surgery is scheduled for noon and hopefully they are running on time.

Thank you all so much for helping to keep me sane during this pregnancy. Also thank you for reading my struggle emotionally with being pregnant after a loss. I will update the blog tonight.

I love you Aidan Christopher and my almost outside baby Nugget

Maggs

Catching up

2011-02-20T07:16:00.000-05:00

I never posted about my shower since it was right before Aidan's birthday. I had a blast! There were about 25 people who came. It was amazing to share such an emotional day with them. (All pictures were taken by my friend, Kathy, who is an amazing photographer)

Before the shower began, we released balloons up to Aidan for his birthday. I couldn't have the shower without acknowledging him. It was amazing to watch the balloons fly away.

Hopefully she doesn't kill me, but I love this picture of Michelle. She was one of the hostesess

Monkey outfit for my monkey man

Me and my Michelle

Miss Cammy Cam (Nugget's future wife)

Nugget's presents and the froggy balloon for Aidan

My sister took this picture. We were trying to unknot all of those balloons to release them and let me tell you, it was hard! They tied those suckers together really really well.
Thank you all that came to the shower. It meant so much to me and I'm so happy that I got to share that day with you.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget

Maggs

I'm on maternity leave!

2011-02-18T18:05:00.000-05:00

This week flew by! Today went kind of slow, but that's because I am so excited. We have a pretty relaxing, but full weekend and when we blink it will be time to have our rainbow baby. I don't really have anything else to say because I'm so excited.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Chewy Nugget (having fun coming up with random names at work today)

Maggs

37 weeks

2011-02-14T11:54:00.000-05:00

At week 37, your pregnancy is considered full term, meaning baby is likely to thrive after birth. Baby spends these last weeks in preparation for the outside world… meaning careful refinement of the blink, suck, inhale and exhale. Meconium, which you’ll probably find in the first diaper, is accumulating in the intestines. If (okay, as) you worry about giving birth, consider what it’s like for the little one. During the journey out of your womb, baby will produce more stress hormones than any other time in life. (The bump) He weighs 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel (like a stalk of Swiss chard). Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long.(baby center)

Here's my 2nd to last bump picture. :-) This time next Monday (It's currently 11:48) I will be getting prepped to meet our little Nugget. This pregnancy has flown by! We've had our ups and downs, but none of that matters as we get closer to meeting this little guy. Speaking of meeting him and finally posting his name, we're back to the drawing board for names. Last night Chris decided to tell me that for a couple of months he hasn't liked the names that we picked out. So now we're back to square one. Oh joy!

I'm feeling pretty good. When I'm up walking around he rounds out his back and that hurts really bad! So even though I'm now okay to be up and walking as much as I want, I can't. We almost have the nursery completed. Chris's drill died last night while he was in the middle of hanging some things up. It's charging today so it should be finished tonight!

Aidan's balloon has been ordered. I wasn't able to find an "I'm a big brother" balloon, but I found a "Proud Brother" one that we will take to the cemetery before we head to the hospital. I just confirmed with one of Aidan's NICU nurses, Ingrid, that she'll be in the OR. It means so much to me because she was the last nurse to take care of Aidan.

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (<----the excited kind 7 more days!)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget who may not get a real name

Maggs

I'm back

2011-02-11T12:01:00.000-05:00

I decided to take some time away from blogging about my pregnancy during "Aidan's time." I wanted to reflect on what we were going through last year and how far we've come this year.

I'm now 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant!! Only a few more days until I'm full term and 10 days until we get to meet Nugget. Just in case anyone is wondering and if I haven't mentioned it yet, we aren't keeping his name a secret, we don't have a name for him. Well we have a list that we're keeping to ourselves, but it has a couple of names and once we see him we'll know. Everything is going well with the appointments and he looks great. Yesterday was my last appt with Dr. B before the surgery. She's off next week so I'll be seeing another Dr on Thursday. A dr that knows our history and that I've seen a couple of times, thanks to scares, during this pregnancy. She was the "next best one" if I couldn't see Dr. B

As for this blog, I will continue to use this one after Nugget is born. I will be talking a lot about him, but I'll also continue to talk about my Aidster. Nugget isn't replacing him and I still have a lot to work through. That's more a heads up for any BLM who are reading my blog.

Now for the pictures...this one of me was taken today. I look like crap, even more so than my normal I don't care what I look like type pictures. So that's why you're just getting the belly.

And the man of the show....Mr. Nugget

Under the flash is his forehead. You can see his nose and his puckered lips under the word face.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget

Maggs

Still here

2011-02-08T20:15:00.002-05:00

I have stuff to post, but decided not to post until after we pass Aidan's heaven date.

Happy Birthday

2011-02-01T14:27:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday sweet Aidan Christopher. I'm sorry we can't make it to the cemetery or go out to dinner tonight, but the roads are too bad. I haven't stopped talking to you or crying all day. Every time I look at the clock I remember exactly what was happening one year ago. I finally showed your face on facebook and that took a lot of courage. I just wanted to show off my handsome little boy, but still have some protection over you.

I love you sweetheart and I miss you so much!
Love,
Momma

Can you feel the love tonight

2011-01-28T11:55:00.000-05:00

Most people know that my all time favorite movie is the Lion King so it shouldn't be surprised that this song is in my head. Well let me tell you, I'm feeling the love.

My department through me a baby shower today. They got us a gift card to Babies R Us and we're having food all day. My cubicle is very decorated and I love it. I love being the center of attention and every person that walks by stops to comment. It was a total surprise! It makes me feel loved and that Nugget is too. I know he is and I didn't need a party to know that, but it's the reassurance that's nice. I don't know how to describe it. Kind of a coincidence...I decided to wear the shirt that I bought for Aidan's shower today.

So thank you co-workers from the bottom of my heart. Now I must eat my blue and pink cupcakes to get a beautiful purple mouth. :-D

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!
Maggs

34w

2011-01-24T12:05:00.000-05:00

Baby’s senses are continuing to improve -- when light peeks in through your (extremely) stretched belly, those tiny eyelids and irises blink and dilate. And, baby can now recognize and react to simple songs… time to start practicing your lullabies! Growth (at least inside your womb) is starting to slow, and you may notice baby descend into your pelvis at the end of this month.

So Nuggy has moved down a little. He hasn't completely dropped, but enough that I can breath. I'm feeling pretty good, sore, but good. Chris is having a great time laughing at me when I try to get up, sit down, roll over, so pretty much anything. My shower is this Saturday and I'm so excited! We've started getting package in the mail and it's making everything so real. The nursery basically is done except for hanging up a few things. Hopefully we get that done in 2 weeks. I have an u/s and NST today and I have a feeling that he'll pass with flying colors because he's been non-stop this morning. Well except for when I stand up.

I'm doing much better emotionally after posting my last blog. The posting and the comments have helped so much so thank you!

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!

Maggs
34w1d<------28 days to go!

Time to be honest

2011-01-23T11:18:00.000-05:00

I have poured my heart and soul into this blog. I've put my emotions out there because it helps me and I like to think that it's helping others too. Well I've been keeping something from you. I haven't been doing so well emotionally. I've been crying a lot more. I know that it's been a mixture of hormones and grieving. Aidan's birthday is in less than 2 weeks and it's been hard. I've been looking for stuff to get ready for Nugget and I find all these things that I wish I could buy for Aidan too. I feel guilty for being so excited for Nugget and I feel so guilty for being so sad about Aidan. I feel like I'm cheating both of them.

I've talked with Dr. B, my support group and Chris and am feeling better now, but I was bad. I had an amazing conversation with Stephanie and she really helped to open my eyes and know that I am and will be a great mom. I will always carry Aidan and care for him by continuing to tell story and I will be taking care of Nugget with a much greater appreciation.

To all the baby loss moms out there, be honest with your feelings because this pregnant after a loss thing is hard. Remember that you will never replace your lost child and that your baby is watching over you from Heaven.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget

Maggs

Nugget's room-in progress

2011-01-15T11:29:00.000-05:00

It's still a work in progress, but here's what we have so far.

We love the bedding so much!

We're going to buy some shelves today and make one of those dedicated to Aidan. I'm so excited to set it up and then show it to you! We're also hoping to buy a new dresser today.

36 more days!
I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget

Nugget is so my kid!

2011-01-12T11:48:00.000-05:00

For those who know me, I like being the center of attention. Not all the time, but most of the time. lol I'm loud and can be down right annoying. Well apparently Nugget likes the attention too. On Monday I had my regular NST and guess who slept through the whole thing. Yeah, Mr. Nugget was not interested in waking up. He was moving, but it was more sleep moving. They just felt different. I tried bribing him with seeing his daddy, well hearing him, Arby's or Subway. None of that worked. The nurse came in after taking the results to the on-call dr and said I was heading to L&D. I knew I was because it was already 5:30 and the office closes at 4:45. BUT I wasn't even called back for my NST until 4:50 and my appointment was at 4:30. I digress.

The nurse explained everything to me and I was very calm. I called Chris and told him to head to the hospital. I was hooked up to the monitors and an hour and a half later was told to go home because he looked perfect. The nurse and I were joking around about how the hospital was my second home and that I could practically set up the NST myself. I was so much more calm this time since everything had been explained to me. So now I have to drink juice while I'm in the waiting room to make sure he's awake for the test.

Oh and he has been "paying me back" since by kicking the snot out of me. I love the reassurance and it makes my 6-12 movements in an hour go quickly since he usually hits that within 10 minutes. So now we know, Nugget is going to like getting attention.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nuggy!

Maggs

11 months

2011-01-09T10:37:00.000-05:00

Aidan,

Wow baby boy, I can't believe it's been 11 months since we said goodbye. I'm sitting here looking at your pictures just wanting so badly to go back in time to hold you one more time, tell you I love you one more time and kiss you one more time. But I can't do that, so here I sit, staring at your pictures. To say that I miss you is an understatement, I can't even think of a word that would give justice to how I feel.

Daddy and I found the first personalized thing at the store with your name, spelled correctly. We found a little snowman ornament and had to buy it. Then when momo and I were in the gift shop of the State Museum I found a little stocking with your name on it. We've found items before, but they were all spelled Aiden and it would be kinda tacky to buy something with your name misspelled. :-) I asked Uncle Scott to keep an eye out for them when he's on the road.

Mommy and daddy are getting excited about welcoming Nugget into the world in 42 days, but not a single days goes by where I don't wish that you were here getting ready to welcome him too. We have big plans for him to always know about his big brother Aidan.

I love you so much sweetie and I miss you so much!

Love you,
mommy

31 weeks-whining involved

2011-01-07T12:26:00.000-05:00

Yes I know that I'm late to posting this, but I'm still in my 31st week so it's okay.

This week, your baby measures over 16 inches long. He weighs about 3.3 pounds (try carrying four navel oranges) and is heading into a growth spurt. He can turn his head from side to side, and his arms, legs, and body are beginning to plump out as needed fat accumulates underneath his skin. He's probably moving a lot, too, so you may have trouble sleeping because your baby's kicks and somersaults keep you up. Take comfort: All this moving is a sign that your baby is active and healthy.

I have to laugh at the thought that he weighs about 3.3 lbs...our little porky the pig is estimated at 4lbs 5oz. I'm feeling pretty good, but I have to be honest, this part is getting hard physically. I used to cringe and cry when I would read people complaining about being done at this point, but now I get it. Nugget's cute little punches and kicks are no more and now it feels like he's grabbing organs and rolling to the other side. It's painful. Or else he gets stuck in my ribs or hips and then flairs around trying to get unstuck. At least that's the best way I can describe it. I love the movement because it lets me know that he's okay, but it still hurts. I'm not ready to be done being pregnant because it's going to be awhile until we have a 3rd and if he were to come now he'd have some NICU time. So universe, do not take this complaining as a sign that I'm done. I want this little boy to keep cooking for 44 more days.

Yes, you read that right. I have 44 days to go until we meet little Nuggy! I had a slight anxiety attack this morning at 2:30 about not having things ready for him. My shower is on 1/29 so I know I will have more things at that point, but right now I'm freaking out. I was up doing laundry to make sure he had clean clothes. I was very productive, but I'm beat now. Take a look at the picture below from this morning and you can tell. I had my weekly appt with Dr. B yesterday and she is very optimistic now and was trying to fight back emotions of excitement. She also told me that I look very cute. Seriously, what girl doesn't like that? lol

Okay, here's my crappy picture from this morning. I'll get a better one tomorrow when I'm out with my parents.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!

Maggs
31w5d

March for Babies Auction

2011-01-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

Here is a blog post from a very good friend who is doing an auction to raise money for Team Aidan Christopher. If you are crafty and would like to donate please check out her blog.

March for Babies Auction

Are you a business owner? Would you like to advertise your business while supporting a great cause? Please consider donating an item to my auction as I fund raise for Team Aidan and March for Babies!

Marching for Aidan in 2010

On April 30th, 2011 I will be marching in honor and memory of Aidan Christopher (keep reading to learn more about Aidan). Last year Team Aidan raised over $4,000 for March of Dimes and the goal to prevent premature birth and infant mortality! My fund raising goal is $200 and in an effort to achieve this I would like to host an auction on my facebook page on a date TBD.

How it will work:

1. Make an item to donate to the Team Aidan Auction. Gift vouchers would be gladly accepted as well! You will not receive any payment for your donation. All auction proceeds will be donated directly to Team Aidan and March for Babies.

2. Email a picture of the item, the item's description, starting bid for the item, and your contact information to info@acuniqueboutique.com. By submitting an email you accept that you will receive no payment for the items you are donating and that you give me permission to use the images you've provided.You also agree to be responsible for shipping your item to the highest bidder.

3. Once I receive the information on the item you donate, I will post about your participation on my facebook page and your business will be advertised in the newsfeed of my fans. Currently, I have about 1,100 fans so think about how many potential new fans you may get by participating in this auction!

4. Your item will be posted in a photo album I create for the auction. Fans will bid on your item and you will be responsible for mailing the item to the highest bidder. The payment for the item will be sent directly to me via paypal and I will then donate all proceeds from the auction in one lump sum to March for Babies and Team Aidan.

I would like to have at least ten items for the auction or I'm not sure it will be worth while. Thank you so much for taking the time to consider making a donation to the auction. You have no idea how much it means to me and to Team Aidan! Read Aidan's story below.

On February 1st, 2010 my friend Maggie went in for her routine 28 week appointment where she was informed that her son, Aidan Christopher, was measuring two and a half weeks behind. After further testing the doctors discovered that there was a problem with the umbilical cord and that Aidan was in distress due to the cord being wrapped around his neck.
Aidan Christopher was born at 4:44 PM via emergency c-section. He fought hard for 8 days but very sadly he suffered from a brain injury that was too much to survive. He went to Heaven on 9 February 2010 and is survived by his grieving family, friends and his dog Snoopy.
Maggie and Chris promised Aidan that they would do everything they could to help other premature babies. I'm joining their cause and walking in honor and memory of Aidan on April 30 in Seattle, WA.

"Goodnight stars Goodnight air Goodnight noises everywhere." Goodnight Aidan. Forever in our hearts.
Feb1st 4:44pm-Feb 9th 3:05pm
The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.

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Thank you so much Megan for doing this to help keep Aidan's name alive. It means more to me then I could ever possibly try to explain.

I love you Aidan Christopher...and so do a lot of people

Maggs

Sponsor Me at March for Babies!

2011-01-01T08:55:00.001-05:00

2010

2011-01-01T06:47:00.001-05:00

Well 2010 what can I say? You started off pretty nice. We went to Vegas with our little wiggle tucked safely inside my belly.

Then we took Wiggleman to the AFC Championship game!

Then we our plans changed drastically and our baby Aidan was born.

Our world was flipped upside down with the diagnosis of a massive brain bleed, but we held on to hope for our little fighter.

We said hello and goodbye in 8 short days.

We spent the rest of the year trying to piece our hearts back together. We started off using tape, but that didn't hold very well and soon we realized that there was no magical fix.

In June, we found out that we were expecting baby # 2.

The rest of the year has been filled with sadness, fear, happiness, laughter, anxiety, grief, more laughter and meeting a ton of new people.

2010~ You were the worst year of my life, but more importantly, you were the best. I met my son, got to love on him and care for him. I grew up,was taught to love deeply, laugh at the little things and remember that everyone handles things differently.

Aidan Christopher,
I'm so glad that we got to meet you and to be your parents. I'm sorry we couldn't protect you, but your story and life have touched so many people that I know there was a reason. You are the light of my life and I love you so incredibly much.

Nugget,
Baby boy, I'm so glad you are in our lives. You have given mommy and daddy a lot of hope and happiness. Every little, and now big, kick jab and roll just make us smile. You already have your own little personality and I'm so excited to meet you and get to know you on the outside. I promise that even though we will make mistakes, mommy and daddy will love you forever and protect you to the best of our abilities.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget

Maggs

Follow up to last week's trip to L&D

2010-12-31T08:59:00.000-05:00

I had my normal NST on Monday and I asked to speak with a dr that I have seen and knows my history. Dr B was scheduled to be in surgery so she wasn't available. Nuggy passed the test with flying colors and I had no contractions. The tech (that I really like) went to show my results to the dr I requested and I could hear Dr. B talking. Imagine my delight and relief when she walked in the room. She told me she was shown my chart and that I went to L&D and then asked why. I was honest with her and told her how upset I was with the way that we were "cared" for by the other dr in the practice. While we were talking she could hear Nuggy moving around and watched his hr and was very pleased. She told me what happened last week is their normal procedure, but I'm not a normal patient and need extra "hand holding." That's exactly what I was thinking, but I don't want to ask too much. She said that she'll note in my chart that I always have to see a dr to explain things to me. I only have 2 more appointments where I don't see her and I see the dr that knows my past, so I'm not too worried.

I left that appointment feeling much better and way less terrified. Dr. B called on Tuesday after she did a more in depth look at my results from Thursday. Come to find out, the machines they use are new and are known to pick up the mom's heart beat and so it looks like the baby's hr is going really low. So their normal procedure is to send mom's to labor and delivery to a longer test with more sensitive monitors. That's fine, but FREAKING TELL ME THAT BEFORE SENDING ME TO L&D!!!! Then she told me that the test for the UTI was never ran. She said to make sure that I don't bill for it because there are no results. That really ticks me off. We waited close to an hour for the dr to call in that test and it was never ran.

I had my second normal appointment yesterday and Nuggy looked great on the u/s. He was practice breathing the whole time. We just sat and watched his belly move up and down. Man I love that little boy! Then he passed the NST with flying colors. My dad came to this appointment and he loved it. When Nuggy finally woke up, my dad sat on the edge of his seat watching Nuggy's hr and listening to him kick the monitors. Dr. B again is very happy with the results and said everything is going perfectly. Yay!

Only 51 days until we get to meet our Nuggy, and not a day sooner cord or ute!

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget

Maggs

Nugget's adventure-trip to L&D

2010-12-30T12:05:00.000-05:00

So I mentioned that last Thursday I was sent to L&D after the dr was concerned about Nugget from the NST. Notice that I didn't say Dr. B was concerned... it was another dr. Dr. B was out of the office and I was assigned to a different dr. Nugget was super active that day and kept moving away from the monitors so I would lose his heart rate. After about 5 minutes of trying to find it, I gave up and waited for the tech to come in. I mean it is her job to check on me...about 10 minutes later she finally came back in. I had tried again to find it and I found a heartbeat, but I didn't know who's it was. She took my chart to this dr that I was supposed to see and when she came back said well it looks like we're going to send you to L&D for monitoring........MY HEART FREAKING SANK! The tech saw that Nugget had stayed on the monitor while she was gone so she took that strip to see if that one passed. Once again the dr said I was being sent to L&D. Okay, minus never seeing the dr, this is exactly what happened with Aidan. I wasn't told anything and just sent over there.

If you know my family's history, you won't be surprised at the fact that I just shut down. I was staring out the window and couldn't move. Once we walked over to the maternity floor, I had to go through the admissions crap again. The lady couldn't find my previous admittance, when Aidan was born, but then was able to find it right before having to go over everything. I was in the same room, just a floor below. Not good for the paranoid/anxious/terrified pregnant lady! We kept getting told that the dr who sent us over would be in to see us in a few minutes. I was put back on the monitors for a better NST and I was laying flat on my back. Nugget still was kicking up a storm and then got the hiccups. About 5 minutes into the nurse comes in and asks how long I've been feeling pressure. I had been feeling pressure, but I assumed it was Nugget balling up because it wasn't all over pressure. Yeah......not so much, I was having contractions that were being picked up on the monitor.

The nurses rushed me out of my regular clothes so that they could do a test to see if I would go into labor in the next 2 weeks. Well I was rushed out of my clothes, but the test wasn't given for what seemed like 30 minutes later. At that point I was shaking like a leaf! I kept thinking I need the steroid shots in case I have to have my c/s sooner. I have to get that extra little bit to help strengthen his blood vessels in his brain. I know the steroids are to help with lung maturity, but another bleed was a bigger concern of mine. Now, I was not prepared to be admitted to the hospital. Read, I was not prepared to be stripped down and put in a gown. Still can't read between the lines? There was no shaveage and I was sooo embarrassed! The nurses said put your heels together and let your knees hang down. Chris and I obviously know how Aidan and Nugget were created, but we're still modest. Let's just say, it's been awhile since I've seen that man run so fast to get around the corner. lol They did the test and after waiting an hour and a half that came back negative. I was also given a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions and that worked too. The nurse did an internal to see if the contractions were making me dilate, OMG WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD ME HOW PAINFUL THOSE ARE?

The nurse walked in with my discharge papers...notice how I never once mentioned a dr coming to see me? Yeah that's because it never happened, the dr went home and never followed up with me!!!!!!!!!! Pissed is only a small word to describe how we felt about that. We had to wait another 15-20 minutes because they were concerned I might have a UTI, but didn't get the test done. So we had to wait for the Dr to call back in and call for that test. After I peed in the cup I got dressed and we headed home. I was so incredibly sore from the contractions, shaking and Nugget kicking up a storm. I was told limited activity and have spent more time laying on the couch the past week than I would like. I'd much rather be laying on the couch instead of in the hospital though!

So that was our first trip to the hospital with Nugget and hopefully we won't go back until 10am on 2/21 for his birthday!

Maggs
30w4d

30 weeks!!!

2010-12-27T13:05:00.000-05:00

He turned into a squash at 29w, but I didn't realize that until today. Here's what the bump says about this month.
Baby’s energy is surging, thanks to the formation of white fat deposits beneath the skin. (Have those kicks and jabs to the ribs tipped you off yet?) Baby is also settling into sleep and waking cycles, though -- as you’ve also probably noticed -- they don’t necessarily coincide with your own. Also this month, all five senses are finally functional, and the brain and nervous system are going through major developments.

and for this week from baby center:
Your baby's about 15.7 inches long now, and he weighs almost 3 pounds (like a head of cabbage). A pint and a half of amniotic fluid surrounds him, but that volume will decrease as he gets bigger and takes up more room in your uterus. His eyesight continues to develop, though it's not very keen; even after he's born, he'll keep her eyes closed for a good part of the day. When he does open them, he'll respond to changes in light but will have 20/400 vision – which means he can only make out objects a few inches from hir face. (Normal adult vision is 20/20.)

I'm feeling pretty good. My ribs are sore and so is my back, but I love it! We had an interesting afternoon on Thursday and I'll blog about that later.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget

Maggs
30w1d

It was hard

2010-12-25T22:51:00.000-05:00

Today was much harder than I expected. I had a really good Christmas, but we all knew something/someone was missing. I got up kind of early to finish wrapping the Christmas presents. I had the yule log on tv that had some Christmas songs playing. Then I did a very stupid thing... I went to facebook. There were all these posts from parents with little kids. Going into detail of the twinkle in their children's eyes as they came down stairs and saw that Santa had been there. I wouldn't want anyone to not post about their Christmas, but I should have avoided facebook. I just sat and started bawling. I miss my baby and I so badly wanted to pick Aidan up from his crib and see his face on his first Christmas. Chris came down stairs and found me in a puddle of tears, snot and mascara from the night before. He just hugged me, teared up and wiped the snot/tear mixture.

We then went to his parent's house for breakfast. It was perfect! Chris and I were spoiled and so was Nuggy. Grandma and Grandpa hooked him up with a bunch of froggy stuff for bath time. I loved that they included Aidan in the presents for Nugget. I really needed that because it reminds me that he is not forgotten. Of course none of the grand parents could ever forget him, but I really need that reminder.

After breakfast we went home for a nice 2 hour nap. Once we woke up we headed to the cemetery. That's where breakdown # 2 happened. Grandma Nancy had made an ornament that says Our little star with his name on it. Chris and I just started crying. We hugged while we told our sweet Aidan that we love him and miss him so incredibly much. From there we went to my parent's house. We were spoiled again, and so was Nuggy. My parents got us some awesome stuff, but I think my favorite things were the frog garden statue and a dragonfly to hang on our wall. Nuggy got some blankets and a bottle with my dad's college on it.

Overall, it was a good Christmas, but a lot harder than I was expecting. Snoopy is all snuggled on daddy's lap and Nuggy is kicking up a storm. Of course we're counting our blessings, but we are missing a huge chunk of us. So tonight, instead of kissing our sweet Aidan as we tuck him into bed, we'll lay in bed being thankful for our short time with him, his little brother who already keeps us on our toes and pray that next year will be a much happier time.

I love you Aidan Christoper and Nugget

Maggs

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T08:28:00.000-05:00

Aidan,

Merry Christmas baby boy. What's it like celebrating with the star of the show? Tell Jesus that we say Happy Birthday. Mommy and daddy are having a good Christmas this year. It's not exactly what we had envisioned this time last year. We decided to have minimal Christmas. We didn't send out cards, we didn't put up a tree, and our decorations are very modest. We love it. You helped teach us the important things in life and we are celebrating that this year. Next year, we pray, will be filled with our traditions of Christmas past, but this year is perfect.

We love you so much sweetie and miss you just as much.

Love,
mommy

He is soo grounded!

2010-12-22T12:22:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning at 6 and normally after I wake up so does Nugget. I always say he likes to help mommy make sure the bladder is empty. Well he didn't wake up (or I couldn't feel him) and I didn't think about it. Then when Chris got up to shower at 6:40 I still hadn't felt him move. I started to worry a little. So I rubbed my belly and said Nuggy it's time to wake up....nothing. Not going to lie, I was starting to panic, so I started poking the belly and talking to him more. At 7 I still didn't feel anything. At this point Chris was in bed with me talking to Nugget and trying to coax him to move. I looked at Chris at 7:10 and we both had tears in ours eyes. Finally at 7:15 I got a nice jab and then I was able to get 10 kicks within 10 minutes. I even was sitting there asking Aidan to help us to get him moving. I.was.scared!

Yes, to some it was probably an over-reaction, but I don't care. I'm paranoid and we were both terrified. We were thisclose to calling Dr.B and heading to labor and delivery. He's been super active this morning and I just keep telling him that he's mom is a freak.

I love you Aidan Christopher and (my pain in the butt) Nugget

Maggs

29 Weeks!

2010-12-20T11:53:00.000-05:00

I seriously typed that with the biggest smile on my face. :-)

Yeah, it's a crappy looking picture, but I was trying to take it quickly because someone else was in there. :-) I'm feeling really good. My ribs are starting to get sore. I thought people were nuts for complaining about that, but dang it hurts. Nuggy is breech (well as of Thursday) and I can tell. The kicks to the cervix at the same time getting punched in the ribs is an interesting feeling. I love it! Tomorrow, it will be 2 months until Nuggy's birthday (and not a day sooner!). This pregnancy is flying by. Hopefully everything continues to go smoothly and bring my baby home in 2 months.

Your baby is growing rapidly now. This week he weighs about 2 1/2 pounds (like a butternut squash) and is a tad over 15 inches long from head to heel. His muscles and lungs are continuing to mature, and his head is getting bigger to accommodate his growing brain – which is busy developing billions of neurons. Every day, about 200 milligrams of calcium is deposited in your baby's skeleton, which is now hardening. With this rapid growth, it's no surprise that your baby's nutritional needs reach their peak during this trimester.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nuggy!

Maggs
29w1d

WE DID IT!!!!

2010-12-17T12:16:00.000-05:00

We made it passed 28w4d!!!! I have not stopped beaming since the dr appointment yesterday. Nuggy and my cord are fantastic. He weighs 2lbs 14oz (2 oz shy of 3lbs) and is measuring a full week ahead. With Aidan, he weighed in at 2lbs and was measuring a week behind. Nugget is breech right now and took some practice breaths yesterday. It was so neat to watch his little (little? lol) belly move up and down with each breath.

During the NST he decided to go back to sleep (normal nap time), the tech didn't load the paper right, and the monitors were hurting me because they were so low. None of that matters because he passed with flying colors! I ended up being monitored for 45 minutes because of the paper not loaded correctly. Ummm okay, I'll sit there and listen to his little heart beat.

Dr. B is very very impressed with his level activity. She said that he continues to amaze her. Well Nuggy does have an awesome big brother who is giving him encouragement. Her eyes started to well up when she was talking about how well Nuggy is doing. My weight has gone up, but I have no idea how much. It's so freeing to look away from the scale and not care.

I'm now experiencing new things in a pregnancy and while right now it's still the same as what I was feeling...it's new! It's 1 day longer than last time. Thank you all for your love, support, thoughts and prayers for the past almost year. I wouldn't have been able to grieve Aidan or celebrate Nugget as much without you.

Oh and speaking of Aidan, because I don't do that 20 bazillion times a day, my mom had a grave blanket made for him. It's like a flat wreath and I love it! My mom has my camera, but we took lots of pictures of it.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget.

Maggs
28w1d!!!!

Well, we're here....28 weeks

2010-12-13T12:03:00.000-05:00

I'm still feeling a lot less scared than I was last Monday for my appointment. Nugget has been kicking up a storm and that helps a ton! I have a non-stress test (NST) today at 4:30 to check his activity. I go to the dr twice a week now. On Monday's I have the NST and on Thursdays I have an ultrasound, NST and follow up with Dr. B. I'm going to miss these people a ton after February 21st (not a second sooner!)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!
Maggs
28w1d

It's the little things...

2010-12-08T18:41:00.000-05:00

Two things to be very excited about

1. I passed my glucose tolerance test!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. I DIDN'T HAVE A BABY THE DAY I TOOK THE GLUCOSE TEST!

I'm very excited that I passed the glucose test because I really really like sweets this pregnancy. I'm even more excited that I didn't have a baby that day. Hey, it's the little things that are getting me through.

I love you Aidan Christopher and my sweets loving Nugget

Maggs

27 weeks

2010-12-07T10:25:00.000-05:00

Okay so this is a bad picture of my face, but Nugget looks good. lol I'm starting with myself this time because I have a lot of updating. I know that I've said that I was worried the past 2 weeks, but honestly I've been terrified. I was so afraid that at my appointment yesterday we'd find out that my cord was failing again. I was having nightmares every night for a week about it. Everyone kept reminding me that I could feel him move so much and that meant everything was fine, but it didn't to me. Nothing helped calm me down. Chris might even say I was a huge bitch to him (sorry mom), but he knew I didn't mean it.

I cried all the way to work yesterday and all the way to the hospital before my appointment. I asked Aidan to help calm me down. As I was walking towards the elevators someone was coming the opposite way. This is when I knew Aidan was listening, it was my grief counselor. I just started crying and explaining all my fears. She just held me and then we prayed. Yes she's at the hospital Mondays and Tuesdays, but she's on the 4th floor while my dr is in a different building. I so badly needed her and didn't know it until I saw her.

When I was called back for the u/s Chris and I slowly,nervously, got up and started walking towards the door. The tech could tell we were nervous because she knows me and I'm never like that. When she first put the wand on my belly we saw Nugget head down facing my back. So she quickly got his heart rate before he started getting squirmy and make it more difficult. Shortly after that he rolled over and was facing us. After all the measurements were taken she told us how much he weighs. He weighs about 2 pounds 6 ounces!!!! Such a huge relief because I knew that it meant the cord was still working. Then I started crying because he's bigger than Aidan. Of course I knew he would, but it still made me cry. It was bitter sweet. Then she looked at the cord, said it was perfect and I started crying again. She then just sat and let us watch him move around because she knew how emotional this appointment was.

Dr B said all the results from the u/s and the NST looked great and she was very happy with everything. She said that most babies this small aren't this active on the NST and she said Aidan must be talking to him all the time. That put me in tears too. Then she said the most honest and humbling thing. She said that she's has been nervous/worried this pregnancy and after this appointment she feels more confident. Of course we all know something could happen, but her honesty made me feel so much better!

I feel like I lost about 10 lbs worth of stress after that appointment and I'm feeling so much better. Speaking of weight, I only gained 1 lb in 2 weeks with Thanksgiving in there. Woot Woot. Total weight gain is now 20lbs

About Nugget
This week, your baby weighs almost 2 pounds (like a head of cauliflower) and is about 14 1/2 inches long with his legs extended. He's sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing her eyes, and perhaps even sucking her fingers. With more brain tissue developing, your baby's brain is very active now. While his lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if he were born now. Chalk up any tiny rhythmic movements you may be feeling to a case of baby hiccups, which may be common from now on. Each episode usually lasts only a few moments, and they don't bother him, so just relax and enjoy the tickle

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget!
Maggs
27w2d

Hello 3rd tri

2010-12-05T08:38:00.000-05:00

Our goal is to stay with you all the way to 38 weeks. We didn't get a chance to get to know each other in the last pregnancy. So bring on the aches and pain and I will gladly accept them.

Yes I'm on a blogging break. I have so much to say, but I can't. I'm just going to leave it at that I'm afraid. Nugget is doing wonderful, but I'm afraid.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget
Maggs
27w

answers to some more questions

2010-11-28T12:06:00.000-05:00

Anonymous asked "How does it work when you have a child in the NICU? Do you basically live there, only returning home to sleep? Do they allow you to sleep there? Are you discharged and sent home without him?"

It sucks having a child in the NICU! I spent 5 of Aidan's 8 days in the hospital. We would go upstairs during hands on time because we were told that he needed his rest and to not be over stimulated. I called up there at anytime to check on him. I also needed rest because I was recovering from surgery.

I was discharged without him and it was the most painful thing I had experienced at that time. There was a huge snow storm coming and the nurses offered to let me stay in the hospital, but without any care or room service. Basically in the parking lot of the hospital is a hotel so my mom and I opted to stay there. We only live about 15 minutes from the hospital, but I didn't want to get stranded at home. I demanded through tears to have a room facing the hospital, I had to be able to look out to see Aidan's "house" whenever I needed to. If any of his nurses still read the blog they can confirm that I called all night long. I was pumping every 3 hours so when I woke up to pump I called. I think Natalie, Aidan's night nurse, took more care of me that night with my calling than my sleeping son. I slept in because we decided that it would have been best for me to and we needed to run some errands before going back for the noon hands on time. I needed new pjs and I wanted to go out and pick them out myself so my mom and I went to Kohls. We were there for his noon and 8pm hands on time. We might have gone in for the 4pm one, but I don't remember. Do I regret not spending as much time there? Yes, but we both needed our rest.

There was a couch in his room and I guess I could have slept there, but I don't think that was really an option. They had said once it got closer for him to go home I could have roomed in because I would have been nursing him. Once we knew it was his time to go and made that decision they offered to let us stay that night with him. I couldn't do it because I was trying not to cry around him. I wanted him to have a peaceful environment and I couldn't stop crying. I barely slept that night and didn't get up to pump because I wanted to sleep when I could. That was the best decision for us because once we decided to head back to the hospital (after calling all night for fear that he'd leave us) I had taken the time to get pretty. I wanted his last moments with us and with me to be peaceful. To be honest I wanted them to be happy to celebrate his short life. Not happy in a yay it's going to be a great day, but more having my make up and hair done.

Hopefully this answers your questions, if not please write another one and I'll be happy to answer them

I love you Aidan Christopher!

Maggs

So Thankful

2010-11-25T10:14:00.000-05:00

Woah, 2 posts in 1 day. :-)

Here's my list in no particular order

Family
friends
my job
Chris's job
the girls on my message boards
Nugget (right now he's kicking the snot out of me and I love it!)
Aidan Christopher
Snoopy and all the other pets in our lives
our health
support group
my amazing support system
all the strong, beautiful baby loss moms that I've met
the men and women serving and protecting us

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you all have something to be thankful for even if it's a difficult time.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Nugget

Maggs

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T09:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Aidan,

Happy Thanksgiving baby boy. I remember watching the wrong parade last year (long story sweetie, but it's totally something your mom does) thinking I can't wait to watch this with Wiggle next year. It made me cry a little and now I cry a little thinking how I'll never watch it with you. Don't worry sweetie, I know you're watching the parade with Nanny, Papa, your uncles, Bud and all your baby friends and that makes me smile. I'm thankful for many things this year. I'm especially thankful for YOU. You taught me so many things in your short 8 days. You turned me into a mom and more importantly you're mom. I'm so thankful that I was chosen to be your mom and you my son. So this Thanksgiving we are going to eat lots, have lots of fun with family and be thankful for so many things. We will enjoy this holiday season while always having you on our hearts and mind.

I love you sweetie, Happy Thanksgiving

Love,
Mommy