Wednesday, December 26, 2012

3rd Christmas

Yesterday was our 3rd Christmas without Aidan. It still isn't any easier. We got up late, 9:30 when we had to be at the inlaws at 10. I'm so glad I slept in. I hate being alone Christmas morning while I wait on Chris and Lucas to wake up. I got a little teary eyed while we were there. When we were done there, we went to visit Aidan. It was really cold and I was not dressed properly for standing outside for as long as I did. I just stood there sobbing. I just miss him so much. Scratch that, we all miss him so much. Lucas was worn out from playing with his toys, but we woke him up to go with us. As we were leaving his sleepily said "bye bye Aidan". Cue more sobs. I love that Lucas can say Aidan's name.

When we got home, Lucas and Chris took a nap while I went to the NICU to pass out books for Aidan's Book Corner. It was very bittersweet. I'm so thankful that Ingrid and Amber were working. I needed them, a lot. All the nurses are so wonderful and really appreciate what I created for them. It makes my heart happy to give the books out and to see the appreciation on the faces of parents and staff.

I left the hospital and went home to snuggle Lucas. He, however, wanted nothing to do with me because there were more gifts to open. With us sleeping in, we did Christmas before we went to my parents house. Speaking of my parents. My mom has been sick for a couple of weeks and this past Friday she ended up getting admitted to the hospital. She was diagnosed with pneumonia, critically low sodium and potassium. She also had a staph infection. She was release on Monday so we were able to spend Christmas Eve with my entire family. Christmas afternoon/evening we hung out with my parents. I can't be alone for too long on Christmas. I know that it's okay to cry and I do that often, but the deep feelings of sadness I don't like. Of course no one likes that, but my way to avoid it is to stay busy.

I asked Chris, while standing in the cemetery, "When will the pain stop?" Of course we don't know the answer. Every day is easier, but there are and will always be triggers. I know the pain won't stop on certain days like Christmas, his birthday and his death day. I love him so incredibly much that the pain is from my desire to love him the way a mother is supposed to love her son. So I know every Christmas will have a moment or moments of hurt. It will also be filled with The Christmas Spirit, love and the sound of laughter coming from my families.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander


Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from my family to yours.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander

*This was scheduled to post last night, but clearly it didn't.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Fort Lauderdale

Over Thanksgiving we flew down to Fort Lauderdale for Chris' work. He had to be in the area for Black Friday so we went a few days early and stayed a few days longer. It was a nice workcation. Lucas went on an airplane for the first time and did an amazing job! He slept for most of the flight and when he wasn't asleep he was quietly playing with some toys and the tray in front of us.


 While Chris was working, Lucas and I spent some time with Chris' Aunt and Uncle. We went to a ginormous mall and walked around. We also spent Thanksgiving with them and it was wonderful! We didn't participate in Black Friday this year (would have added more luggage to bring on the plane) so instead we went to the beach.
 Of course Aidan went with us. :-) We only planned on putting our feet in, but the ocean had other plans.

 On Saturday we spent time with my Aunt and Uncle. Those pictures are on my phone and currently nugget has my phone. We drove down to Miami on Sunday and decided to drive towards Key West.

 We made it halfway to Key West and then it started getting dark so we turned around. We stopped in Key Largo and ate at Hobos Cafe and it was amazing!
 On our last night, we walked around Ft. Lauderdale. It was incredibly beautiful.

The flight home was just as easy. Lucas slept and played. We got a lot of comments on how wonderful he was.

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander.


Monday, December 10, 2012

Shocking, I didn't follow through

I didn't get around to posting pictures of our trip to Florida this weekend. We went to visit Santa and then put up our tree on Saturday. Yesterday, Lucas wasn't feeling well so we snuggled all day. I also didn't post because I have the holiday blues. I keep thinking I should be "better" by now since this is our 3rd Christmas without Aidan, but I'm not. Yes things are going great with our family and Aidan's Book Corner and I try to focus on that, but it doesn't make the hurt go away in the mornings before anyone gets up. I'm trying to make Christmas magical for Lucas and I'm doing a good job at it, but I don't feel like I am. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I talked to my mom last night and she told me to just get it out there and write on my blog. :-) I think that's more because she wants me writing on here more often. I just miss my baby. I miss the what could/should have been. I hate that Lucas doesn't know his brother. I know for the next couple of months it will be rough. I'm just ready for it to be mid February. 

Yes mom, I do feel a little better after writing this out. 

I love you and miss you so much Aidan Christopher. I wish you were here. I love you Lucas Alexander. I'm so glad you're my baby and you always make my days brighter.


Saturday, December 8, 2012


I'm running in a 5k this morning. I won't be running the whole thing, but my goal is to run as close to 2 miles of it as I can. I haven't done a 5k since spring and that was just walking. I just want to see what my body can do. I have motivation by doing it with my friend Nicki. I haven't been running with any type of consistency like I was back in April/May. It's noticeable in my lack of weight loss the past few months. I'm not gaining anything back, but I'm certainly stuck at a plateau. I'm hoping that the 5k today will help motivate me to keep running. I do enjoy running when it's cold outside and it's a nice break for me. It's the time where I can just focus on me.

Sometime this weekend I plan on posting pictures from our recent trip to Ft. Lauderdale...hopefully. :-)

I love you Aidan Christopher and Lucas Alexander.